Foreigner girlfriends wants to marry only 2 months in

[rovert2000]

TL;DR at the very end

 

Is she dating me for my citizenship and will leave once she gets her status to stay in Canada? I'm just a normal looking guy and not rich. Someone of her looks can easily get a rich or good looking guy. Instead, she falls for my charm and personality.

 

She is 28 years old and I am 27. She is from China and I am from Canada.

 

I also want to apologize in advance that I may have put in more detail than needed but it is to help the readers determine if she is genuine or not. tl;dr at the end.

 

In January 2019 I found her on a dating website. She’s from mainland China and just came to Canada on a travel visa. We hit it off great and she shows genuine interest in me. We did everything a couple does. Celebrated birthdays and holidays together. She was also keen on meeting my family and friends. We’ve been intimate together. Etc

 

However, it did phase me when she asked me to marry her in the first month of us dating. It sounded like a joke but she said it. I shrugged it off like she was joking.

 

She seems to really want to stay in Canada and tried studying English so she could get a study visa or work visa. However, those weren’t possible as her 6 months will be up way too soon. 6 months wouldn’t be enough for her to learn English fluently enough.

 

Fast forward to mid February 2019 and she tells me she will have to leave soon as her 6 months stay is running out. She was also genuinely very upset when I didn't invite her to my family Chinese new year gathering. I said that’s fine as she can go back to China where I might visit and we can return together and see where that goes. She is sad that she’s uncertain about us because she will need to stay in China for a few months before she can return.

 

It is near the end of February and she once again brings up marriage and strongly pressures me this time. I love her lots but 2 months just isn't enough time to be doing this. I told her I would consider her but I still need to talk to my parents. She tells me to talk to my parents and I do. They are of course against it and says it is too quick and that I don't know her history or her enough. She cries over the phone when I told her. The next day... she announces that we are over. She wants to start a family and the only way I can keep her here is if I marry her. At night she apologizes to me for giving me so much pressure. She told me she takes back breaking up with me and to let nature take its course on what happens to us and her.

 

The very next day, she receives bad news that her dad is terminally ill. She tells me while crying and tells me to stay the night with her and take the next day of work off. She tells me that she loves me and to not forget her as I send her to the airport.

 

During the time away gap, I've noticed she doesn't talk to me unless I talk to her. She sometimes forgets to reply too. I call her out on it finally and she apologizes and she starts talking to me more for a few days. It resumes right back to what it was a week later where she doesn't talk much.

 

It is September 2019 and she finally returned but she was on the other side of the country to visit her uncle first. She tells me to come and explore the city with her and treat it like a vacation. I quickly take off and go see her. I can see we are both happy and she jumped on me when I saw her. We had a great time and felt like we were a couple again.

 

We return back to my home city and she goes to her friend's house to stay. She ignored me for the rest of the day. I called her the next day and she told me she wanted some peace and silence. She told me she had thought of it for a long time and that we just can't be together. She tells me how she is not young anymore and wants to marry and start a family. She can see that I am not ready and won't be ready to marry until a lot more time has passed. Time that she doesn't have. She apologizes and said that its too stressful to continue going back and forth from Canada and China. So as a result, I have nothing for her to keep her from leaving me she says. Since I can't help her with her situation then she will find someone else to help her. I'm devastated and ask if there's any other way. She says the only way I can keep her is if I marry her. As there’s no point of being together if she can’t even stay in the country.

 

So here I am, I'm old enough to marry but I don't know if she wants me for my citizenship or for me. It seems like a bit of both which I am ok with but all I'm worried about is if she gets her citizenship and then leaves me for someone else. I just wanted to get people's opinion on if I should chase her back or did I just dodge some bullets. If I don't count the months she's been away. She's only been with me for 2 months officially.

 

--------------------------------------------

 

tl;dr

 

Girlfriend from China and only on a travel visa. Met from a dating app. She talks about marriage 1 month into relationship. Seems like she really loves me and is genuine and wants to stay in Canada. 2 months in she pressures me hard. I tell her my parents won't allow the marriage as it's too soon. She cries and breaks up with me the next day. Later on she regrets it and says to let nature take its course. Her dad suddenly passes away and she returns to China. 6 months pass and she returns to Canada. We go on a mini vacation. She breaks up with me once we both return to my home city saying she is not young and really wants to marry. Says if I can't help her get what she wants then she will find someone else that is willing to help her. So does she genuinely love me and just wants to settle down or is she only using me for my citizenship and will leave me once she gets it?

[salparadise]

So as a result, I have nothing for her to keep her from leaving me she says. Since I can't help her with her situation then she will find someone else to help her.

 

Did she actually say that to you? If so, well, there's your answer.

 

Nobody can say if she would remain loyal, or leave you high and dry, once she gets what she needs, but it's apparent what's motivating her push for a quick marriage. It's a big risk.

 

When she threatened to find someone else, as if this were purely transactional, she was telling you who she is and how much she cares about you. I'd be inclined to send her down the road before she finished that sentence.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, it’s pretty obvious why she wants to marry you. As Sal pointed out, you’re her pathway to legal immigration.

 

But why on earth would you want to marry her? Only known her two months, your family’s against it and she has more loyalty to country than commitment to you.

 

Enough red flags to start your own drill team and not a recipe for marital success. Be very afraid...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited October 3, 2019 by Mr. Lucky

[stillafool]

She wants to use you to gain citizenship. She does not want YOU but to use YOU as a path to her goals. Find another girl.

[Art_Critic]

She wants to use you to gain citizenship. She does not want YOU but to use YOU as a path to her goals. Find another girl.

 

 

Yeah.. I would also bet that there is more than one guy she is trying to land, there always is.

[mark clemson]

Yeah, as per comments above you need to let her go so she can get her needs met without it screwing up your life big time. This "love story" is only marginally about love, I think.

[BaileyB]

It’s not love if she tells you she wants to marry after a month. She pushes even harder after two months, and then breaks up with you and threatens to leave and find someone else when your family objects to the marriage.

 

Her motives are clear. What exactly are your motives here... why are you even entertaining the idea of marrying a woman who is so clearly dating you only to gain citizenship?

[preraph]

Yes, she wants to marry you for citizenship and money. She will end up with at least some of your money and belongings in a divorce. Now that you know she's just trying to make a quick "deal," block her.

[rovert2000]

She did show genuine love and interest though. I also really love her a lot. Lately I've been feeling torn and just wanting to marry her so I can be with her. I didn't like how she said all that but I'm hoping she wants to stay in the country with me and live a happy life with me forever.

[preraph]

When people are after something, of course, they are EXTRA nice and act like they worship the ground you walk on. Always take your side, tell you how great you are. It's all a con. People actually pay prostitutes to lie to them like that.

[rovert2000]

When people are after something, of course, they are EXTRA nice and act like they worship the ground you walk on. Always take your side, tell you how great you are. It's all a con. People actually pay prostitutes to lie to them like that.

 

I have heard of stories where it has worked out. Are these extremely rare ? Is it also very common that this kind of “scam” happens? Where the girl is the sweetest girl ever. Tells you she will always be with you forever. Treats you like how a girlfriend should treat you. Then after she flips 180 after receiving her citizenship.

 

How do I avoid those in the future anyways? Or is it just never date anyone foreign ?

[Mr. Lucky]

She did show genuine love and interest though. I also really love her a lot.

 

Rovert2000, is she your first GF, first serious relationship?

 

There’s no such thing as ‘genuine love’ at the one month mark, though I’d guess she showed a lot of interest, people do when they’re after something specific. But it should be fairly obvious her focus was on something other than romance with you, she openly old you your role could easily be filled by someone else.

 

There’s a difference between the ‘one’, and being one of many...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

Rational people do not talk about marriage after a month.

 

After two months you DO NOT KNOW SOMEONE. You have no idea if you two have compatible life goals, can live together etc.

 

How many children do you two want? What is the 5 year plan? Why do you think you love her? Why does she love you? Have you talked about finances, religion, merging of families? All these things need to be agreed upon before marriage should ever be discussed.

 

Do you want to have a wife that openly tries to manipulate you for her own gain? Do you think you will be able to work through all the problem marriages face when after two short months there are already disagreements and threats?

 

Why for a moment do you think it would be a good idea to agree to spending all eternity with someone you have known for two months?

 

This is silly. Is she really so hot that you are blind to rational thought?

[BTDT2012]

Tell her she has to sign a pre-nup and see how she responds.

[Tamfana]

Sure she wants citizenship, and apparently children. People don’t leave their homes, families, friends, and all they’ve accomplished (a tremendous sacrifice few of us would make) without very good incentive. I’d expect that in any international dating.

[rovert2000]

Rovert2000, is she your first GF, first serious relationship?

 

There’s no such thing as ‘genuine love’ at the one month mark, though I’d guess she showed a lot of interest, people do when they’re after something specific. But it should be fairly obvious her focus was on something other than romance with you, she openly old you your role could easily be filled by someone else.

 

There’s a difference between the ‘one’, and being one of many...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She’s neither my first nor first serious one. She did show lots of interest and she’s really attractive so that’s what is making me really want to keep her. I was thinking also that she’s old for her age in china and she would not stray. She’s told me before that there was a guy who was willing to marry her already but she declined because she couldn’t love him. I guess this was during January so I don’t know if she’s changed now and feels more pressed for time.

 

I’m guessing in your eyes. She is most definitely going to divorce and probably find someone else after she gets her permanent residence?

[rovert2000]

Rational people do not talk about marriage after a month.

 

After two months you DO NOT KNOW SOMEONE. You have no idea if you two have compatible life goals, can live together etc.

 

How many children do you two want? What is the 5 year plan? Why do you think you love her? Why does she love you? Have you talked about finances, religion, merging of families? All these things need to be agreed upon before marriage should ever be discussed.

 

Do you want to have a wife that openly tries to manipulate you for her own gain? Do you think you will be able to work through all the problem marriages face when after two short months there are already disagreements and threats?

 

Why for a moment do you think it would be a good idea to agree to spending all eternity with someone you have known for two months?

 

This is silly. Is she really so hot that you are blind to rational thought?

 

Haha I admit she is pretty hot and I’m feeling very blinded probably. I just need someone to tell me that she will probably leave me after she gets what she wants. I already know lots of people said it but unfortunately for me I’m thinking about the sweet things she’s done making me feel that maybe she’s different

[Sunlight72]

OP, you have now seen how she handles problem solving. She treats you very nicely when you two agree. When you don't do what is important to her, her way, she gives you an ultimatum.

 

Therefore, in the future you can expect her to continue this tactic.

 

"rovert2000 my parents need a home here. The medical care is better than in China. They will live with us."

"Honey, it will be difficult on my salary, but we can set them up in a little apartment. But I don't want them to live with us, they are mean and criticize everything we do."

"rovert2000, I already bought their plane tickets. They will be here Wednesday. Either they will live with us, or I will divorce you and you can leave our home so my parents can live with me."

 

"rovert2000, I want 2 more children besides the 2 we have now."

"Honey, remember we planned 2, we have 2, they are healthy, I am happy, no more kids."

"OK rovert2000. I am going to have 2 more kids with you, or I will find someone else. I need your answer by Tuesday."

 

Relationships aren't always easy to forecast, but this one is.

 

Jump dude. I know it will be sad now, but it will be much, much worse later if you marry her. Much worse.

[RecentChange]

I am less concerned about her leaving you, than you signing up for a marriage full of misery.

 

Nothing you have said indicates that you two have laid the foundation for a long and happy marriage. You are smitten with a hot girl who is wrapping you around her finger.

 

She is looking for a mark and found one.

 

Good looks do not make problems go away. Good looks do not settle arguments. Good looks are only skin deep and eventually fade.

 

But hey, it's your life. If you want to take an extremely high stakes gamble - and can afford to lose - go for it.

 

The odds are stacked way against you, but some people believe in miracles.

[RecentChange]

OP, you have now seen how she handles problem solving. She treats you very nicely when you two agree. When you don't do what is important to her, her way, she gives you an ultimatum.

 

Therefore, in the future you can expect her to continue this tactic.

 

"rovert2000 my parents need a home here. The medical care is better than in China. They will live with us."

"Honey, it will be difficult on my salary, but we can set them up in a little apartment. But I don't want them to live with us, they are mean and criticize everything we do."

"rovert2000, I already bought their plane tickets. They will be here Wednesday. Either they will live with us, or I will divorce you and you can leave our home so my parents can live with me."

 

"rovert2000, I want 2 more children besides the 2 we have now."

"Honey, remember we planned 2, we have 2, they are healthy, I am happy, no more kids."

"OK rovert2000. I am going to have 2 more kids with you, or I will find someone else. I need your answer by Tuesday."

 

Relationships aren't always easy to forecast, but this one is.

 

Jump dude. I know it will be sad now, but it will be much, much worse later if you marry her. Much worse.

 

EXACTLY great post.... OP she must be REALLY REALLY HOT to allow yourself to be manipulated and treated the way she has treated you.

[preraph]

I have heard of stories where it has worked out. Are these extremely rare ? Is it also very common that this kind of “scam” happens? Where the girl is the sweetest girl ever. Tells you she will always be with you forever. Treats you like how a girlfriend should treat you. Then after she flips 180 after receiving her citizenship.

 

How do I avoid those in the future anyways? Or is it just never date anyone foreign ?

 

Date local. It's so much less complicated. I have someone in my family that got the bad end of this. But he did go looking for it. He lost his leg in an accident and while he was still in the hospital, she took the insurance check from it and sent it to her family on foreign soil. Once she got a job, she never paid for anything or shared expenses for the household. It all went to her family overseas OR to bringing them over here, which was a big part of it. She's always acted sticky sweet.

[RecentChange]

Also, if she loved you and was dedicated to you, you would have zero worries of her leaving you.

 

But she doesn't - she gets mad and turns her back on you. She would find leaving you easy to do. This isn't about love, this is about you fulfilling her needs.

[BaileyB]

She did show genuine love and interest though.

 

Have you ever heard of a bait and switch?

 

She did that to get you on board, so that you would marry her and grant her path to citizenship. As soon as she gets what she wants, she will drop you like a hot potato. She has already pretty much attempted to do that, when your parents disapproved and you were not willing to rush to city hall, wedding rings in hand.

 

My friend, when people show you who they are, believe them. What she says and what she really means are two very different things here... This discussion has been unanimous, this woman is as transparent as a wet t-shirt. Every single poster has said run - lest you want to be quite literally paying for this mistake in judgment for a long time to come...

 

You need to watch an episode of 90 day fiancé on TLC - you will find a lot of similarities in your stories...

[schlumpy]

There is a cultural expiration on marriageable women in China as noted by the "leftover women." So what she is saying from that perspective does have some substance.

 

I'd say flip a coin but this is your life you would flipping into the air. It does look bad that she wanted to marry after one month. That is against her but like she said time is precious.

 

It also bothers me that she lapsed in her communication efforts while you were apart.

 

I think the prenup that was mentioned by BD is the best option if you are inclined to marry her. Other then that I can't offer any good reason why your marriage to her should be a greater risk or suffer less success then any other.

I've never been able to predict who would have a successful marriage.

 

You would be wise to let this go but I have a feeling that "what if" will always be in the back of your mind.

[rovert2000]

OP, you have now seen how she handles problem solving. She treats you very nicely when you two agree. When you don't do what is important to her, her way, she gives you an ultimatum.

 

Therefore, in the future you can expect her to continue this tactic.

 

"rovert2000 my parents need a home here. The medical care is better than in China. They will live with us."

"Honey, it will be difficult on my salary, but we can set them up in a little apartment. But I don't want them to live with us, they are mean and criticize everything we do."

"rovert2000, I already bought their plane tickets. They will be here Wednesday. Either they will live with us, or I will divorce you and you can leave our home so my parents can live with me."

 

"rovert2000, I want 2 more children besides the 2 we have now."

"Honey, remember we planned 2, we have 2, they are healthy, I am happy, no more kids."

"OK rovert2000. I am going to have 2 more kids with you, or I will find someone else. I need your answer by Tuesday."

 

Relationships aren't always easy to forecast, but this one is.

 

Jump dude. I know it will be sad now, but it will be much, much worse later if you marry her. Much worse.

 

This was well said thank you. Gave me a good chuckle too