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Gf wants to marry, but seems she puts everyone else first?


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Posted

I read your thread quickly, do you have a considerable age difference? You 2 sounds from 2 different generations that cannot understand each other. You have different life style, different views on family and friends, you take everything she says literally when I think she's just day dreaming outloud. You 2 are not compatible, on any level. Why force it.

 

She sounds like my daughter (32) on many levels, she has a huge social circle, is close to family, grabs all the over-time she can get, needs alone time. It works pretty well with her bf because they have the same dynamic. He's ok with visiting me on Sundays, my daughter is ok with visiting his mom once a week, they let each other spend time with friends, they respect each other's need of space. My daughter says all the time she can't live far from me but here she is buying a house with her bf at 2 hours away. She'll do just fine!

 

See my daughter and her bf have no preconceived idea of what a relationship should be like. They travel through life and build it together as it presents itself. In your case because you were married before you have an image of what a relationship would be and you're not open to anything else. Your girlfriend has told you and shown you she doesn't want to fit in your relationship definition, she wants you and her to have your own dynamic.

 

 

.

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Posted

Honestly, I can't find fault with her at all. I just think she needs a different man. To me, she sounds like she lives a busy but balanced life and is no busier than most single women I know.

Posted

Prerah, she's a reckless spender with mounting debt. That in itself is a big problem. Any day off or early finishes she gets she avoids him to do absolutely anything else but be with him, yet she wants to get married now, have babies now, fly around once or twice a month to see sister 1, travel other places to see sister 2. Clearly wants him to foot the bill for everything. Acts childishly when he tries to talk to her about wanting to see her a little more. You really can't find fault with any of that?

Posted
One thing I wonder about is I think we have a fundamental incompatibility of how we view marriage.

 

There - fixed it for you.

 

I'm usually loathe to flag personality disorders, but some of her reactions you describe are seriously OTT.

 

That said, what do you think you're doing explaining marriage to her? You're being so very patronising. Every marriage is different and if she wants a different type of marriage to you, there's nothing wrong with that....as long as you don't marry her.

 

Given both the incompatibility of values and her extraordinary reactions to basic comments, you're doing both of you a disservice by staying together. Stop stringing this woman along and leave her to find someone who is a better fit.

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Posted

I'm posting a bit of history to remind you of how dysfunctional this whole thing is

 

In this post everyone pretty much came to the agreement that she's completely nuts and you should walk away. Did you get any value from our comments?

 

But in this post it appears you've still got an unhealthy level of involvement with your ex..who has moved on anyway. So perhaps your current girlfriend's jealousy is actually quite rational.

 

What's the big picture here? At face value, it doesn't make sense.

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  • Author
Posted

Ok let me ask this.

 

I am under the impression, when married “2 become 1”

 

Even as it is now, she is very hurt if I want a night alone. Or if I go have a beer with a guy friend.

 

So,

 

What women would be ok with this and want to marry me?

 

A. I have debt. I still want to spend lots on my family. So I won’t pay bills.

 

B. I will work long hours and every weekend

 

C. I must play tennis 3 nights a week

 

D. I won’t be around or at home much to cook, clean or have family time. I’ll get home around 9pm.

 

E. I must see my family atleast two nights a week.

 

Is it me, or is that not acceptable in any marriage? Which makes me think she must change or remain single.

  • Author
Posted

Basil my ex wife lives across the country. We don’t even talk. What is the unhealthy level of involvement? Yes we have a son.

Posted

So, she visits her mother and sisters but gets upset when you want to visit a friend for a beer. She has some serious double standards here. OP, do yourself a favour and find a woman that is crazy, and actually wants to be with you instead if actively avoiding you whenever she gets some spare time.

Posted
Basil my ex wife lives across the country. We don’t even talk. What is the unhealthy level of involvement? Yes we have a son.

 

You wrote about a whole push and pull thing you've got going on with her. Doesn't sound like an ex wife. Unless the "ex" you wrote about is the current girl you're seeing but you were broken up at the time?

Posted

Is it me, or is that not acceptable in any marriage? Which makes me think she must change or remain single.

 

You don't get a say in whether she changes or may or may not get married in the future. The only decision you get to make is whether or not she's right for you as she is. Stop trying to be 'right' and just accept what is.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
......It seems like she wants a family and marriage, but doesn't want to work together. She wants her entire life separate, with the security of marriage?

 

What. Is. Your. Decision. On. How. You. Are. Going. To. Proceed? Nevermind her. She's got her support system and everyone is going to think exactly what they want to think about the situation. You. How much more of your youth are you going to waste in a rudderless relationship with someone who resents you for having had a life before you knew she existed? I wouldn't want someone like that around my child--no telling what she's saying about him (and more to the point: to him) when you're not around.

 

Why do you feel you deserve this punishment and why do you feel that you have no control over steering your life away from the rocks?

I refer you to my tag line below:

|||

vvv

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
Posted

OP, you've done a good job in this thread and others of convincing us that your gf is essentially nuts. So if that's how you feel, what exactly is the question? You don't need anyone's approval to break up with her, and I doubt that, based on what you've posted, anyone here is going to encourage you to save the relationship. Do what you need to do.

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Posted

Ugh I know.

 

I am thinking she has some really good qualities. Yet in a way “just doesn’t know any better”. So if she could change some things, it could work out.

 

She has a very sweet side. Attractive. Sex. Etc.

 

I wonder if one person can ever encompass everything, or most everything better.

Posted

How does your child feel about her?

  • Author
Posted
How does your child feel about her?

 

She is amazing with him. He absolutely loves her

Posted
So if she could change some things, it could work out.

 

Given her reaction to any suggestions you make, it's unrealistic to expect any change at all. You need to look at what you've got now and decide if you can live with this. If you can't marry her as is, then stop stringing her along.

Posted

She has a very sweet side. Attractive. Sex. Etc.

This is not enough to compensate for all you incompatibilities. All women have a sweet and attractive side to them. I think she's hot and good in bed and that's why you're hooked. You cannot build a long term relationship on that if nothing else units you.

 

 

I also find you very 'judgemental' of her. She is who she is, someone will love her just the way she is with her emotional dependency to her mom, with her lack of cooking and cleaning skills etc. You're not that man.

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  • Author
Posted
This is not enough to compensate for all you incompatibilities. All women have a sweet and attractive side to them. I think she's hot and good in bed and that's why you're hooked. You cannot build a long term relationship on that if nothing else units you.

 

 

I also find you very 'judgemental' of her. She is who she is, someone will love her just the way she is with her emotional dependency to her mom, with her lack of cooking and cleaning skills etc. You're not that man.

 

I hear you. I have known her for years before dating The theme of her life was “guys just use me for sex. Nobody wants to marry me”

 

So I now see why.

Posted

Someone who pegs themselves as a victim to all their previous partners is completely undateable. Giant reg flags waving before you even started with her. Also, be prepared to be added to her list of men who've used her.

  • Like 1
Posted
I hear you. I have known her for years before dating The theme of her life was “guys just use me for sex. Nobody wants to marry me”

 

So I now see why.

 

 

She's not a victim in any of that--she is a volunteer. She volunteers for everyone to put upon her so she can feed off of/weaponize the resentment it creates.

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  • Author
Posted
She's not a victim in any of that--she is a volunteer. She volunteers for everyone to put upon her so she can feed off of/weaponize the resentment it creates.

 

Yes. Exactly. I already started to hear so many variations of it.

 

“You would never marry me. I am not pretty enough”

 

I guess from my point of view she always claimed to love me for years.

 

When I ask her about the future then she starts with the “well my mom, my sis, running, my hours, my other sis”

 

As soon as I dump her, which I think I have, she will do a complete 180 and want to make me the focus of her life.

 

Just a constant push pull

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Posted

Honestly, she sounds so immature and childish. You are last on her list of priorities, if not lower. Can you honestly live with that?

Posted
”As soon as I dump her, which I think I have, she will do a complete 180 and want to make me the focus of her life.

 

Just a constant push pull

 

And that's how you know she's a master manipulator.

 

Not if you put her on block and don't deal with her or cave in to go back to what she's been doing all these years.

  • Author
Posted
And that's how you know she's a master manipulator.

 

Not if you put her on block and don't deal with her or cave in to go back to what she's been doing all these years.

 

Yes. Then her priorities change. For a while.

 

Is this a red flag? At 30 she never been married, lived with a man, or had a relationship other than me. She had most likely a bunch of 2 to 3 month relationships.

 

So part of me was thinking “well she just doesn’t know any better”. But it seems like that is just how she is.

Posted
Yes. Then her priorities change. For a while.

 

Is this a red flag? At 30 she never been married, lived with a man, or had a relationship other than me. She had most likely a bunch of 2 to 3 month relationships

 

From everything you have said, I can understand why she hasn't been married and in any proper relationships. She's a master manipulator. Crazy.

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