I ended my 13 year relationship so why do I feel depressed and not relieved?

[girlygo]

There are hundreds of posters on here who have been through the same bitter disappointment, but I doubt they reacted as your ex did either. His behaviour over the breakup only confirms that you were right to break up with him. Someone who acts in such a vindictive and frightening way when they experience one of life's most common disappointments isn't a person you want to be with. You made a good call. Stay strong.

 

Maybe that's why I feel so shell shocked now. I didn't get the chance to think straight or absorb the breakup fully because I was in a constant heightened state of alert for nearly 3 weeks, reading texts that were threatening, frightening and hurtful. He never carried out any of these threats which were mainly about trying to sully my reputation to my family but it was still alot to deal with on top of me taking the courage to tell him, which took months and months. I feel so hollow and drained these past few days. Feels like I'm traumatised but that's probably too strong a word to use. I don't know. This isn't the norm is it? I didn't want any of this to happen

[girlygo]

Added to that is that he does have some mental health issues i.e depression, long term, and in his texts he blamed me for causing him to "mentally f***" him up as he called it, with my "friends helping"me to "destroy" his life." I really think he believes it. I do worry about his mental state now and it's hard not to feel in some way responsible.

[Highndry]

Imagine how much pain you would be in if you were in love with a man and he did to you what you did to him, after 13 years. Cut the guy some slack. Yes, he made some very poor decisions, but they were made in a time of great pain. I do not condone what he did, especially the contact with his ex, but it's obvious this man is really hurting from the loss of you.

[balletomane]

OP, I have a lot of empathy for people with mental health difficulties (I work in this field professionally, and a few years ago I developed PTSD myself), but there's a difference between having empathy for someone and taking responsibility for their state. Your ex's mental health issues would exist regardless of whether he was with you or not. Him blaming you for his depression is his pain talking. It's not a rational thought. Can painful life events make depression harder to bear? Yes. Does this make you responsible? No. By that logic you would have to shield your ex from every disappointment that might come his way - bereavements, job interview rejections, everything. No one has that power. It's up to your ex to take responsibility for his depression. The most you can do is simply to be kind, and from the sounds of it, you have been. You've stayed compassionate to your ex while taking the steps you needed to protect yourself when he was threatening you and your friends. You didn't get vindictive too or lash out at him. There's nothing more you can do here.

 

Imagine how much pain you would be in if you were in love with a man and he did to you what you did to him, after 13 years. Cut the guy some slack. Yes, he made some very poor decisions, but they were made in a time of great pain. I do not condone what he did, especially the contact with his ex, but it's obvious this man is really hurting from the loss of you.

 

I think there is a tendency on LS to view people who initiate breakups as somehow not understanding the dumpee's pain, or of being callous and uncaring. There's a hint of that in the language you're using here. But just based on what she's written in this thread, the OP has been pretty considerate in how she's handled the breakup. She already gets that breakups are hard and hurtful and she's already thinking of his feelings and mental state. What more can she realistically do to cut him some slack?

 

There's nothing objectively wrong about ending a relationship that you no longer want to be in. It's not fair to either person to stay under those conditions. If my ex had forced himself to stay with me when he was unhappy and tried to act as if everything was normal, he wouldn't have been doing me any favours. Breaking up is a hard thing, but in these circumstances it's the only right thing, and in spite of the horrible pain it causes I think most dumpees are capable of recognising that on the logical level even if their emotions haven't caught up with the realisation yet.

[girlygo]

Can painful life events make depression harder to bear? Yes. Does this make you responsible? No. By that logic you would have to shield your ex from every disappointment that might come his way - bereavements, job interview rejections, everything. No one has that power. It's up to your ex to take responsibility for his depression. The most you can do is simply to be kind, and from the sounds of it, you have been. You've stayed compassionate to your ex while taking the steps you needed to protect yourself when he was threatening you and your friends. You didn't get vindictive too or lash out at him. There's nothing more you can do here.

 

There's nothing objectively wrong about ending a relationship that you no longer want to be in. It's not fair to either person to stay under those conditions. If my ex had forced himself to stay with me when he was unhappy and tried to act as if everything was normal, he wouldn't have been doing me any favours. Breaking up is a hard thing, but in these circumstances it's the only right thing, and in spite of the horrible pain it causes I think most dumpees are capable of recognising that on the logical level even if their emotions haven't caught up with the realisation yet.

 

Thanks for those comments balletomane, that means alot. This has been really painful for me too, heartbreakingly so and I think about him and our relationship constantly, worrying about him, missing him so much, feeling guilty and still loving him. There isn't an hour that goes by that I'm not thinking about him and I feel incredibly lonely when I sit with myself and my own thoughts and wonder how I spent these last few years feeling unhappy and that the relationship was dying yet I could feel this much pain and longing to be just talking or holding him again. So no, this is by no means easy or spiteful of me but deep down despite all these feelings I have to believe I am doing the right thing, and try to focus on and remember why, and that it's for the best..... even though I feel somehow that it isn't right now and it would be easier to just pick up the phone, be together and stop this pain....

[girlygo]

Well, nearly 6 weeks since I ended things and thought I'd update. I've been seeing friends and trying to get out more. The thing is, I still am not feeling like my life has changed for the better. In fact it's made me focus more on everything that I've missed out on whilst being in this relationship and now how my whole life revolved around one person. I realise I'm so behind with what I wanted to achieve in life by now and that's scary. I feel very alone still and am missing my ex everyday.

 

Added to this is that he's left me more voice messages recently still going on about having his bed (that he gifted to me) collected and that he will "win in the end" which makes staying at my home uncomfortable because I don't feel comfortable or feel like I can move on. Why do I just feel flat? Even the thought of meeting new people this weekend feels fake and like an effort as I'm going through the motions and not enjoying my new found freedom. Why aren't I happier?! Thinking about how I'm going to reconnect with my brother who I stopped talking to and avoided dealing with by burying myself in my relationship.

 

Whether I'll meet anyone and the effort of having to let someone get to know the real me all over again. Being on my own and trying to face my financial situation and planning for the future which again I avoided by distracting myself with this relationship. I think the relationship was a distraction and being in an unhealthy one seemed better than facing everything else I think. But this whole idea if being single and so much happier is not ringing true....I wonder when it will. Is this because I was in an unhealthy relationship for so long and I haven't got over it or is this just who I am now? I just don't know. I still love him despite all of this but maybe I'm just not happy with me. So confused. I actually have lost my confidence around new people....

[preraph]

If the bed was a gift, a judge would leave it with you, but honestly, if giving him the bed will get rid of him and make him leave you alone and let you feel safer in your home, I'd put it out for him and be done with him. But if that's just the start of all he'll want, stand your ground and keep notes of those calls and communication in case you need a restraining order. How can you expect to be happy with him still trying his best to make you miserable. Lighten up on yourself! Get him out of your life.

[FMW]

Do you really want to be back with him?

 

If not, then concentrate on that - that you do NOT want to be with him - and stop worrying that what you're feeling isn't right. Of course you will miss someone you spent a lot of time connected to, and yes, still love them. But the key is whether or not you want to still BE with them. If not, then realize that it will take time to work through it all, especially when the other person is being so unpleasant to you.

 

Aren't his threats helping you to see you made the right decision to get away from him? If not, then talk to a counselor and see what's holding you up here. Feeling bad is normal, but it almost seems like you think you made the wrong choice leaving him.

 

And it's way too soon to worry about whether or not you will meet and connect with someone else. Focus on the present situation and getting yourself where you need to be, emotionally and financially. If staying in the relationship was indeed a distraction for you, then you know that avoiding facing issues head on isn't going to work.

[girlygo]

At times I do want to be with him, when it comes to the weekend when I miss him most. I know I miss the companionship but I know it would just go back to how it was after a while.

[girlygo]

I guess that's what the addictive part of the relationship is. His threats have made me see sense

[lonelyplanetmoon]

It is really hard to recover from a long term relationship, especially one where you were co-dependent. You give up a a lot of yourself and so lose your identity as a result. It just takes time but it does get better.

I’m 5-6 months out of an equally long rel, and every day I am discovering a little more of the me that I lost. Things I used to like, I am finding joy in again etc. Things I put aside because he was not into it etc.

 

Through counseling, I learned it is very important to do actions for yourself that show self love and self care. I’v been working on that. Buying foods I like, treating myself etc. Doing activities I like etc. Doing it often and regularly.

I did not think much of it when told to do it but yes it helps a lot!

 

Overall you are doing great by keeping NC. Just have to bid your time while you reset your identity.

 

And yes exercise is a big help to keep your mood up. And it gets you out of the house.

[girlygo]

It is really hard to recover from a long term relationship, especially one where you were co-dependent.

 

I’m 5-6 months out of an equally long rel, and every day I am discovering a little more of the me that I lost. Things I used to like, I am finding joy in again etc. Things I put aside because he was not into it etc.

 

Through counseling, I learned it is very important to do actions for yourself that show self love and self care. I’v been working on that. Buying foods I like, treating myself etc. Doing activities I like etc. Doing it often and regularly.

I did not think much of it when told to do it but yes it helps a lot!

 

Overall you are doing great by keeping NC. Just have to bid your time while you reset your identity.

 

And yes exercise is a big help to keep your mood up. And it gets you out of the house.

 

So it took 5 to 6 months for you to recover? I feel a bit more reassured as it is 6 weeks now and I keep thinking I should be getting over him but I don't feel like I've moved on massively in a psychological, self esteem sense. If anything going out more has brought to the surface just how unconfident I have become since the breakup. I am going to start going to a Co- dependents Anonymous support group local to ma and I'm on a waiting list for free counselling, although it's 7 months until I can get seen. I aim to do some activity every 3/4 days that gets me out or around people but maybe I need to stop stressing so much about trying to keep busy.

 

How long were you in your relationship and did you sometimes feel like you wish you had gone back to it?

[Twizzlestick]

Hi Op

 

I was dumped last Dec (I’m a Male my ex female) after 11 years. It was a co dep rele I realised through counselling.

 

My ex seemed to display similar to you at first. For a month or two after she wanted to keep me there in the distance as a “friend”. It was a terrible situation for myself full of pain and anxiety so I had to break away and go NC in Feb. I can’t answer how she feels now as the dumper. I had evidence to suggest she was full of anger at my choosing to go NC. But that’s all I know.

 

For me as the dumpee, 11 months later I’m not over it. I’m better, and no where near like I was, but it still feels unresolved. My brain largely parks it. Often it comes spilling out and my mind is forced to stare at it, pain, nostalgia the loss. And then it packs it away again. I’m a bad prevarocater so perhaps my mind prevaricates with dealing with things too, I don’t think I’ll ever be over it, more come to terms perhaps. I think that’s how we deal with significant losses? Or maybe some people do.

 

Co dep reles don’t leave us lightly. It’s nasty stuff.

[stillafool]

The best way to get over a breakup is to stay really busy until you're so tired you fall into bed at night. Also to stop talking about them all the time which keeps them trapped in your mind. Eat your meals with a friend or family so you eat well. Slowly you will notice the thoughts of them lessening in your mind. If you talk about it all the time you will never heal.

[girlygo]

For me as the dumpee, 11 months later I’m not over it. I’m better, and no where near like I was, but it still feels unresolved. My brain largely parks it. Often it comes spilling out and my mind is forced to stare at it, pain, nostalgia the loss. And then it packs it away again. I’m a bad prevarocater so perhaps my mind prevaricates with dealing with things too, I don’t think I’ll ever be over it, more come to terms perhaps. I think that’s how we deal with significant losses? Or maybe some people do.

 

Co dep reles don’t leave us lightly. It’s nasty stuff.

 

I'm the person who ended it and rather than feeling better, I'm actually feeling worse now and missing him more and more. I've maintained NC, I'm not giving him false hope or trying to keep him as a friend but the fact is that I feel more of a great loss and I just can't get through a day without thinking of him and wishing I was with him. Last night I tried writing all the negatives about him and the relationship but even afterwards the feeling of still loving him and caring about him was overwhelming and took over.

 

It is him who keeps up the contact. It's now every week to 4 days. His most recent 2 days ago whereby he sent an email saying the same thing, that he wants his bed back and that I still insist on ignoring God messages. He says that he's not bothered about me, he just wants his bed and that if I think my mum won't care about the fact that I have his property then "we will see." He repeats the same thing all the time but part of me is feeding off that. I think that's the problem. If he's not bothered why doesn't he get on with his life? I can't start talking to him or getting involved in making arrangements with him about the bed that he gave me 5 years ago.

 

This is so hard. My birthday and Christmas is coming up, my friends are all in couples...

[girlygo]

The best way to get over a breakup is to stay really busy until you're so tired you fall into bed at night. Also to stop talking about them all the time which keeps them trapped in your mind. Eat your meals with a friend or family so you eat well. Slowly you will notice the thoughts of them lessening in your mind. If you talk about it all the time you will never heal.

 

I'm really trying stillafool but alot of the time I feel like I'm just going through the motions with being busy, going out, seeing friends because I'm not really feeling the enjoyment. I feel like I'm "acting" but I will keep trying. I'll feel ok for a bit but night times are worst. Pretty much as soon as I stop or I'm in bed alone.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

So it took 5 to 6 months for you to recover? I feel a bit more reassured as it is 6 weeks now and I keep thinking I should be getting over him but I don't feel like I've moved on massively in a psychological, self esteem sense. If anything going out more has brought to the surface just how unconfident I have become since the breakup. I am going to start going to a Co- dependents Anonymous support group local to ma and I'm on a waiting list for free counselling, although it's 7 months until I can get seen. I aim to do some activity every 3/4 days that gets me out or around people but maybe I need to stop stressing so much about trying to keep busy.

 

How long were you in your relationship and did you sometimes feel like you wish you had gone back to it?

 

We were together about 15 years. We had gone through a breakup/make up pattern 3 times. It was me who wanted him back each time. And with each make up I gave more of myself and he took more. It got very one sided because I did not stand up for myself and walk away. This time I am done for good. I am a lot happier. And I know now that for a relationship to work both have to be invested. One person cannot be in it half hearted because then they don’t really care or make an effort-one sided.

The opposite, I wish I had never gone back at the first break up.

[girlygo]

I know some people reading this thread may think I'm being pathetic or that I should stop going on 7 weeks after I ended the relationship. I can imagine how awful it must be to be on the receiving end.. but 6 weeks on and I feel like I was the one on the receiving end. I feel worse than I did a few weeks ago - I love and miss my ex so much. I think about him everyday, more than I did a few weeks ago.

 

I've now discovered that he has been sending emails to 2 of my old email addresses because he wasn't getting a response from my current one. They're not angry anymore but going into detail about how much he has helped me over the years with depression, other problems or life challenges I faced and that he has looked after me when other people thought he was 'scum'. He has written all of those times and how could I treat him with such contempt now. He was supportive during those times but reading these emails is making me feel guilty again and that I've left someone who really cared about me.

 

I think this is what's making me feel worse when I was trying to start to move forward. I understand that I ended it but I didn't shout or abuse him or blame him. I'm heartbroken and confused. Why is he doing this still nearly every other day? More and more I feel like I should respond - it's an ongoing psychological battle. What's worse is the first anniversary of his mother's death is coming up, my birthday and soon Christmas. These are all events that are making him and I feel worse probably... I'm trying but how do you stay strong? It's wearing me down.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Have you been taking care of yourself while you go through this?

Breaking up is very hard emotionally. And is extremely hard when you are co-dependent. Do make sure you are making the effort to take care of you.

 

Sounds like you left the relationship in order to save yourself from something that was not working for you. Your co-dependence makes you put on the rose colored glasses and think of the good things.

 

In order to move forward you have to be honest with yourself and only think about the present. What your relationship is like today is the reality. What you remember about the past is a fantasy.

 

In my situation I was the dumpee but the similarity is that the break up/make up cycle is unhealthy. If you get back with him, it may be good for a little while but then it will go back to being the same. Don’t waste years on a relationship that is not going to last.

[girlygo]

As far as taking care of myself I'm getting an early night to bed most nights but I'm still only sleeping about 5 or 6 hours on average. I spend more time with friends and am going to at least one meetup group and a Pilates class each week. I don't really think of the past through rose tinted glasses as that was worse and more stormy at times in some ways but what I miss in the present is the companionship and what has come with it is the realisation that my whole life was with him, even though in recent years we just spent all our time at my home.

 

I still feel an enormous amount of guilt because alot of the time I wonder whether he is ok because it was me who got him to move to my town originally. I am the only person he saw locally for 10 years regularly (he'd travel to visit his parents/ friends one day a week/ fortnight) and these past couple of months he's just been on his own. This must be my codependency kicking in because I try to focus on me but I get pulled into thinking about him.

 

Last night I felt so sad again and cried when I was alone at home in bed. I recognise the triggers - it's worse at the weekends when I stop being busy. These were the times when I was with him and it surprises me how my emotions catch me by surprise when in the week I was doing ok. Is that what grief does, cycle through ups and downs?

 

It's 7 weeks today since the split. Last night he left a voice message and an email declaring that he's not going to send any letters to anyone about me, he was venting his anger and that "I'll never hurt you, " Ironic because all of his previous texts did exactly that.

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[assertives]

Seeing your post about feeling guilt reminded me of a post that a user posted on another thread.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/690576-i-broke-my-bf-today-2.html#post7884562

 

Have a read, I personally thought it was very insightful. You are not responsible for your ex's happiness, life or mental health. They are his own responsibility and his alone. Hang in there, time really does heals everything. As for feeling lonely, one thing that really helped me was to change the way I place emphasis on the value of companionship. Being happy on my own is key, and relationships and friendships are just addendums to my life. Kind of like dessert and not main course.

 

Consider yourself as your own best friend, your own hero, and maybe even your own spouse. Enjoy your own company, tune in to your own wants, needs, fancies. Take a solo trip to a place you've always wanted to go, volunteer at an animal shelter, hospital or old folks home. Those would really change your outlook in life. I wish you all the strength in this world.

Edited November 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[girlygo]

I am hoping that I can start to move on from a psychological viewpoint as I received an email from the police today. They informed me that they have spoken to my ex by phone and told him that under no circumstances must he contact me again. If he does then they will look to prosecute for harassment. His response was that he was only contacting me to get his bed back (that he'd gifted me 5 years ago) but has given up so agreed to not contact me again.

 

I think those of you who posted to say he was using the bed as an excuse or leverage to keep ringing, emailing and texting me were right, as most of the contact was not about that.

 

I'm hoping that this will be the end? I won't feel manipulated any more, that my mind was getting completely messed up and feeling anxious. I'm hoping I can start to focus on me, and my issues... why I stayed in an unhealthy relationship. I still feel empty, sad and grieving for the loss of him.

[Highndry]

Why did the police all of a sudden contact him?

[girlygo]

Why did the police all of a sudden contact him?

 

This was down to me contacting the police a number of times for an update as they had said they'd attempted to visit him at his home a few times when I had reported this to them a month ago but had not succeeded in reaching him. After me phoning again today and also sending emails they have finally decided to just phone him. I have no idea why they didn't just do that weeks ago, instead of letting this go on and on.

[FMW]

Hopefully the police contact brought him to his senses and he really will leave you alone now.