I broke with my bf today

[thecrucible]

Okay so I'm still feeling raw after breaking up with my bf today. I felt it was the right decision as our relationship deteriorated so much, to the point where we hadn't seen each for weeks and we didn't even talk on phone or text very often. So I bit the bullet and did it, and he seems to accept it.

 

I'm finding it all very hard. I'm turning 30 in a few months and obviously it's less than a day since it happened and it's hard to think about adjusting. I've also moved to a new city for a career opportunity - probably part of the reason our relationship just fell apart (he eventually moved down himself). I broke up with him partly because he'd always say hurtful things when arguing in the heat of the moment and never apologise later...and he would say things like wanting to break up and it just ruined it for me. I didn't feel safe in the relationship anymore after that as it felt like mixed signals. I wanted to settle down and even though he said he did, I didn't fully trust what he said. I hated breaking up because I didn't want to hurt him.

 

I keep thinking of all the good times and I'm surrounded by gifts he has bought me which is hurtful to see. I also think about my own flaws and what I did wrong. For instance, I developed mild crushes on people at work or who I met real life (though I never cheated on him or pursued anyone while we were in limbo). A few nights ago, I told a guy I thought he was cute (hardly the crime of the century but I felt really guilty about it).

 

I'm on anti-depressants at the moment and I'm worried about my weight. It feels like I'm a shadow of my former self. I guess I'm just looking for some reassuring words about how to move on. Well done to me that I've got through the first day of self-pity and guilt all included.

[Beachead]

Hey there,

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I'd sit tight for awhile and focus on your new job. If you have some time, try to take up something that's fun or something that challenges you or teaches you something. It can be a social activity or an independent one. Something to change your schedule up into something different from when you were with him.

 

Secondly, you want to let yourself feel your pain. Doing so will allow you to process it. In processing it, you'll get passed it. Feeling guilty is normal. Not many people enjoy hurting another person like that. Anxiety can often make you look back at your relationship favourably and you'll get weak and will be tempted to contact your exes...especially in the beginning. This means you have to really target your thoughts towards the negatives of the relationship to offset those feelings and hold yourself strong to your decision to end the relationship. You did it for a reason. What you have to remind yourself of is why you ended it and list all the negatives of the relationship and why they're negative. Ultimately, relationships are about investing into the future together so try to connect how those negatives led to you no longer seeing a future with him. One of the best ways to do that is to write it out. You can do that here or in a book every couple of days when you feel overwhelmed or everyday depending on your needs.

 

Also, I'd strongly advise you to stay away from dating for awhile. You don't want to add someone else' feelings into your own while you are still working through yours. It's complicate your life. You'll only bury the pain you need to heal from regarding this relationship, and consequently project it towards others..especially if they get close to you. Dating can lead to more and you want to be ready to handle it emotionally. You're not ready. Keep life simple for awhile and don't do it. Learn to find your smile in your own company. Spend time with loved ones. Rediscover the people who matter in your life and rediscover pleasures in the little things.

 

That's all I got for you for now. Hope you're night goes well

 

- Beach

[LivingWaterPlease]

I agree with Beachead's post, OP. And just want to tell you that you seem to be a very balanced person who has good judgement from the way you write. I'm sorry you're hurting but seems to me you did the right thing.

[thecrucible]

Hey there,

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I'd sit tight for awhile and focus on your new job. If you have some time, try to take up something that's fun or something that challenges you or teaches you something. It can be a social activity or an independent one. Something to change your schedule up into something different from when you were with him.

 

Thank you very much for your kind and thoughtful reply. In a way I'm fortunate because we weren't with each other regularly so I got used to not talking much to him or seeing him. It was initially a relief to break up with him. I didn't cry, just felt numb...however tears came later when I thought about good qualities of his and also what I've done wrong. I've realised now that having these feelings doesn't mean I made the wrong decision. I do some volunteering so I'm going to get absorbed in this, but being in a city I have options to try new things so I'll have a think about what I want to do.

 

Ultimately, relationships are about investing into the future together so try to connect how those negatives led to you no longer seeing a future with him. One of the best ways to do that is to write it out. You can do that here or in a book every couple of days when you feel overwhelmed or everyday depending on your needs.

 

Thank you. I may give this a go later. I do feel strongly that he couldn't commit and I felt very much like he set the terms despite his statements to the contrary. All my friends were telling me he wasn't good for me and after months of that, I've made a decision. It wasn't to please my friends but because I realised I couldn't go on any longer in limbo. Basically it was hard to know what was true or not with him because sometimes he would say certain things to get a reaction or for me to respond in a certain way.

 

Also, I'd strongly advise you to stay away from dating for awhile. You don't want to add someone else' feelings into your own while you are still working through yours. It's complicate your life. You'll only bury the pain you need to heal from regarding this relationship, and consequently project it towards others..especially if they get close to you. Dating can lead to more and you want to be ready to handle it emotionally.

 

Thank you. I'm going to try hard to zone out from this guy I mentioned in my opening post. You're right, and I'm not ready. Neither do I want to come across as desperate or rebound. So I made a whoopsie telling him he's hot so the cat's out of the bag now. What can I do? I'm just going to sit tight and do my own thing.

 

My flatmate is on Tinder and some of my friends have mentioned it a few times but I'm not ready for it. I actually feel kind of scarred by online dating and apps. I would much rather meet someone in person and get to know them slowly even if this makes me feel alone. I also feel too fat and unattractive so I need to get my confidence back up.

 

You're not ready. Keep life simple for awhile and don't do it. Learn to find your smile in your own company. Spend time with loved ones. Rediscover the people who matter in your life and rediscover pleasures in the little things.

 

Thanks I'm planning to meet up with a friend this evening and then tomorrow during the day, I'm meeting with a group of friends for a garden party. I told them in advance so they are prepared for it. Another friend has invited me to hang out on Sunday.

[thecrucible]

I agree with Beachead's post, OP. And just want to tell you that you seem to be a very balanced person who has good judgement from the way you write. I'm sorry you're hurting but seems to me you did the right thing.

 

Thank you. That's lovely to hear. I'm a perfectionist and have Anxiety so it actually feels good to think I've handled this well. I just can't hate him but I don't feel like I've lost the love of my life either. It's still very upsetting all the same but I will hold myself back if I don't try to be positive about it.

 

I deleted our relationship status from Facebook this morning and chucked out a Valentines Day card. However I've not done anything else in terms of "no contact". I'm waiting until I'm brave enough to do all the other little things I need to do.

 

I'm glad I sent him a nice message to end it. I didn't see my point in inflicting any pain for the sake of it, even though I know he has upset me a lot in some ways.

[Big Aus]

you wouldn't have been together in the first place if there wasn't something there, and if he didn't have some redeeming qualities. So it's only natural that you will feel some regret and even remorse over breaking up.

 

I gather that you are also second-guessing your decision. That too is natural, if unhelpful.

I can't say if you made the right choice.

 

All I can suggest is to give yourself a few days for the emotions to be less raw, then calmly evaluate it.

Does the relationship have a future?

What needs to change to enable that future?

Are you both capable of making those changes and living with them?

 

Personally, his history of emotional abuse, without apology, rings alarm bells, and I suspect you have already made the right decision.

 

If, after careful consideration, you decide you made the right choice, then stick with it and move on. From that point on, there is nothing to be gained by second-guessing or having regrets.

 

If seeing his gifts is a painful reminder, smash em, turf em, or both.

I don't know how long it really takes to get over a relationship. My marriage breakup nolonger hurts, but I am still dealing with the fallout. Take however long you need, but most importantly keep yourself out there and socialising.

Treat yourself. A day at the spa or whatever it is that women do.

[thecrucible]

Thank you for your kindness. Today I managed to get through the entire day without bursting into tears although I was slow at work as it was hard to concentrate. I'll hopefully have my mojo back next week....so I have ups and downs...it's hard to see myself as a single person so that will take time. But all my family and friends support my decision so it's good to know they are there for me.

[Saracena]

Personally, his history of emotional abuse, without apology, rings alarm bells, and I suspect you have already made the right deciision.

 

And me. Alarm bells most certainly. Something as well that would in all likelihood get worse, if not much worse, as time went on. This trait alone would be a major deal-breaker for me.

 

Not a lot else to add to the very good advice above but although sorry to hear you're (understandably) hurting now but I can guarantee, in time you'll be fine! Just take care of you now. That spa weekend sounds great, btw!

[d0nnivain]

You will be OK & intellectually I think you know that. Right now the pain & the fear are new & raw. This too shall pass. Congrats on getting through a whole day without crying.

 

Right now the gifts are painful reminders. First step is to remove them from your sight. Time to box 'em up & put 'em away. If you can't bring yourself to throw them out, put them where you can't see them. When I broke up with one EX it was hard because he'd given me some pieces of furniture so I was conflicted about what to do. I had to do a lot of self talk reminding myself that it was my lamp & my mirror & it was OK for them to still be in my house. Jewelry & stuff went away into a box for a year. When I reopened the box a year later it was easy to throw out the stupid stuff -- stuffed animals etc & less emotional to keep the earrings & necklaces.

 

Throw yourself into your job. Exercise. You need the endorphins to elevate your sad mood plus it will help with the weight you are concerned about. If you are not a gym rat at least take a walk around the block when you get home. You are in a new city. It's time to explore & embrace this opportunity.

 

Best wishes.

[justwhoiam]

I developed mild crushes on people at work or who I met real life (though I never cheated on him or pursued anyone while we were in limbo). A few nights ago, I told a guy I thought he was cute (hardly the crime of the century but I felt really guilty about it).

 

 

Don't beat yourself up on that, due to the coldness between you and your bf, you had kind of checked out a while ago. And that was your need of feeling some connection again and feeling lighter.

[preraph]

Just be assured that this wasn't the right relationship for you. He wasn't who you hoped he would be, and you know people really don't change their basic tendencies. He was careless about making you feel secure, and he had an intolerable way of not dealing with issues, so just be glad you didn't waste even more of your precious youth on him.

 

It's been over for some time. I hate these "take it or leave it, I'm going to treat you like crap and you can stay or go" type men and there's a lot of them, unfortunately. Best to run at the first sign of it. I don't think they even have the capacity to really love someone, only themselves.

 

It's early days, but you'll get past this. My advice, be kind to yourself for a couple or three days, get a massage or take a long bubble bath and treat yourself well and pamper yourself. Let it all out, scream and cry and just get it out. If you can't separate the memory of him from those gifts, pawn them. I never had that problem, so maybe you won't either. Maybe you can just think, "Well, at least I got something good out of it."

 

Then after a few days of grieving, time to contact friends and go do active hobbies and get the stress out of your body and cleanse and start living again. At first, you will have to fake enjoying it, but the sooner you do that, the better.

[thecrucible]

And me. Alarm bells most certainly. Something as well that would in all likelihood get worse, if not much worse, as time went on. This trait alone would be a major deal-breaker for me.

 

Not a lot else to add to the very good advice above but although sorry to hear you're (understandably) hurting now but I can guarantee, in time you'll be fine! Just take care of you now. That spa weekend sounds great, btw!

 

Thank you very much. Yes if you wanted to read more about him, you'd just have to go through my past posts. I'm already feeling a lot better actually. I cheered up yesterday after spending time with some friends and acquaintances at a house party. Being around people made me feel a lot better. I guess the harder thing is adjusting to the idea of being my own person, and dating again. Once payday comes, I'm going to get my hair done, which will hopefully help me feel a bit better.

[thecrucible]

You will be OK & intellectually I think you know that. Right now the pain & the fear are new & raw. This too shall pass. Congrats on getting through a whole day without crying.

 

Right now the gifts are painful reminders. First step is to remove them from your sight. Time to box 'em up & put 'em away. If you can't bring yourself to throw them out, put them where you can't see them. When I broke up with one EX it was hard because he'd given me some pieces of furniture so I was conflicted about what to do. I had to do a lot of self talk reminding myself that it was my lamp & my mirror & it was OK for them to still be in my house. Jewelry & stuff went away into a box for a year. When I reopened the box a year later it was easy to throw out the stupid stuff -- stuffed animals etc & less emotional to keep the earrings & necklaces.

 

Throw yourself into your job. Exercise. You need the endorphins to elevate your sad mood plus it will help with the weight you are concerned about. If you are not a gym rat at least take a walk around the block when you get home. You are in a new city. It's time to explore & embrace this opportunity.

 

Best wishes.

 

Thank you . I couldn't bring myself to sort the stuff this weekend so I'm going to do it next week. I have been able to throw out cards and letters. Exercise is the next plan as I need to lose some weight. I'm planning to meet up with a friend from work at some point to do some city walks.

[thecrucible]

Don't beat yourself up on that, due to the coldness between you and your bf, you had kind of checked out a while ago. And that was your need of feeling some connection again and feeling lighter.

 

Thank you. Yeah I'll try not to get invested with anyone else too quickly. Don't really want to come across as desperate or get together with the wrong person. I swear I'll be so embarrassed the next time I see that guy.

[thecrucible]

It's early days, but you'll get past this. My advice, be kind to yourself for a couple or three days, get a massage or take a long bubble bath and treat yourself well and pamper yourself. Let it all out, scream and cry and just get it out. If you can't separate the memory of him from those gifts, pawn them. I never had that problem, so maybe you won't either. Maybe you can just think, "Well, at least I got something good out of it."

 

Then after a few days of grieving, time to contact friends and go do active hobbies and get the stress out of your body and cleanse and start living again. At first, you will have to fake enjoying it, but the sooner you do that, the better.

 

Thank you. What I struggle with the most is the guilt - I think about what I did wrong in the relationship...although right now I'm just chastising myself for staying so long in a situation which didn't make me happy. However I had to build my confidence first and my new friends helped with that.

 

When I was at my friend's party yesterday I had a bit of a wobbly and another friend of mine managed to calm me down to texting me discreetly. It made me think that there's another person who's better at handling my sensitivity than ex bf was. I told him I was surprised I wasn't more upset and he said "It's cause you're free. It's like you've felt imprisoned rather than come out of a mutually loving relationship".

 

I'm just thinking about new active hobbies to do...though it's a bit overwhelming knowing where to start really.

Edited September 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[thecrucible]

Aargh I've had a bit of a confusing time of it lately. I was just thinking about one of the reasons we broke up - which was that if he said something hurtful, he wouldn't apologise. He saw at as me being too sensitive and I guess I am sensitive. Sometimes I think is it okay for me to be upset about that? Some female friends have said this is just a male trait and when I google the question, a book called "Real men never apologise" even comes up in the results. It makes me feel like I am being too picky about it. What do you guys think?

[d0nnivain]

People say insensitive things all the time & other people's feelings get hurt. In a good relationship each partner recognizes when they have done wrong & apologizes. Your guy's stubborn refusal to apologize makes him self centered.

[Nosoul]

my ex was on anti depressants for 2 weeks before she left me, i read online that the can make people emotionally numb and fall out of love, it almost magnifies the issues and diminishes the love , do you even remember all of the posative things in your relationship, usuallty the good always out weighs the bad, but if you think of a murderer , they can be perfect there whole life until they commit the crime, then no one cares how good they were. you should just talk it out and be mature about it

Edited September 23, 2019 by Nosoul

[thecrucible]

People say insensitive things all the time & other people's feelings get hurt. In a good relationship each partner recognizes when they have done wrong & apologizes. Your guy's stubborn refusal to apologize makes him self centered.

 

Thank you. That's really reassuring. I've heard both signs of the coin but it felt for me that he didn't see my point of view. There were a few times where he'd mention wanting to break up but then say later he didn't mean it. The trouble is I couldn't get that out of my head as I felt insecure in the relationship. My friends have said I seem a lot calmer and chirpier since last week.

 

I threw myself into my job today but I also had a wobbly. He liked one of my tweets. I have told myself to do 30 days no contact though so I won't respond to that. I just wonder why he would do that?

[thecrucible]

my ex was on anti depressants for 2 weeks before she left me, i read online that the can make people emotionally numb and fall out of love, it almost magnifies the issues and diminishes the love , do you even remember all of the posative things in your relationship, usuallty the good always out weighs the bad, but if you think of a murderer , they can be perfect there whole life until they commit the crime, then no one cares how good they were. you should just talk it out and be mature about it

 

I started on anti-depressants because the relationship was really stressing me out. I'm not saying he was a terrible person but I just wasn't happy. I didn't feel emotionally numb but I withdrew emotionally to avoid getting hurt as there were times we argued and it wasn't resolved, or he'd threaten to break up. That just made me feel that I couldn't be close to him...it felt unsafe. I tried talking it out with him but it just resulted in more intense arguments.

[Beachead]

I threw myself into my job today but I also had a wobbly. He liked one of my tweets. I have told myself to do 30 days no contact though so I won't respond to that. I just wonder why he would do that?

 

I'd advise you not to analyze that because it could mean numerous things..all of which you wouldn't be able to confirm no matter how hard you tried. You would only have assumptions at best. Could be that he's trying to subtly grab your attention by reacting to things. Could just be nothing more than him agreeing with whatever you wrote or posted; a passing thought that he put it out of his mind 5 seconds later.

 

I wouldn't keep him on twitter or any social media. You'll see his activity and because you're still used to his presence in your life..still vulnerable..you begin to analyze it and overthink which does a number on your anxiety. When you're broken up, the ultimate goal is to detach your mind from your ex, and return a state of mind where you can be content on your own. Being smacked around by things like this, no matter how subtle, can slow that process down significantly.

Edited September 24, 2019 by Beachead

[thecrucible]

I'd advise you not to analyze that because it could mean numerous things..all of which you wouldn't be able to confirm no matter how hard you tried. You would only have assumptions at best. Could be that he's trying to subtly grab your attention by reacting to things. Could just be nothing more than him agreeing with whatever you wrote or posted; a passing thought that he put it out of his mind 5 seconds later.

 

I wouldn't keep him on twitter or any social media. You'll see his activity and because you're still used to his presence in your life..still vulnerable..you begin to analyze it and overthink which does a number on your anxiety. When you're broken up, the ultimate goal is to detach your mind from your ex, and return a state of mind where you can be content on your own. Being smacked around by things like this, no matter how subtle, can slow that process down significantly.

 

That's a good idea. Thank you very much.

 

I had another wobbly today. Ended up bursting into tears in front of my boss and had to tell her what happened but she was very reassuring and said it hadn't really affected my performance. It was about the fact that I have Anxiety and I was freaking out thinking that it's maybe a big part of why things went wrong, that he wasn't able to work with it. I did try to help myself but it's not always possible to be completely anxiety free. I did 'fight or flight' thing whenever I got anxious or we had a bad disagreement and it didn't get resolved with an apology from him for saying hurtful things.

 

When I got home today I did an exercise video and I feel much better. Phew! I want to set new goals for myself to do exciting things and I'll maybe spend the weekend doing just that.

[Optimystic]

Aargh I've had a bit of a confusing time of it lately. I was just thinking about one of the reasons we broke up - which was that if he said something hurtful, he wouldn't apologise. He saw at as me being too sensitive and I guess I am sensitive. Sometimes I think is it okay for me to be upset about that? Some female friends have said this is just a male trait and when I google the question, a book called "Real men never apologise" even comes up in the results. It makes me feel like I am being too picky about it. What do you guys think?

 

I had a similar experience with my ex, I found a lot of his actions hurtful and he accused me of not having a thick enough skin, or told me to, or some BS like that- which is ridiculous. He would refuse to apologize later in the relationship, but in the beginning he would when I called him out for being a dick. I should have known it would get worse with time. It's really important not to ignore those red flags.. but because people have redeeming qualities, it makes it harder.. but they will keep popping up, unfortunately.

 

There are plenty of men out there who have the sense to be aware of their actions and do the right thing- apologize, be more delicate with their words, self-awareness, etc.. and I have faith sensitive people like you and me will find them.

 

Also that book title is complete nonsense. Real men DO apologize, and they do it without being asked.

[thecrucible]

I had a similar experience with my ex, I found a lot of his actions hurtful and he accused me of not having a thick enough skin, or told me to, or some BS like that- which is ridiculous. He would refuse to apologize later in the relationship, but in the beginning he would when I called him out for being a dick. I should have known it would get worse with time. It's really important not to ignore those red flags.. but because people have redeeming qualities, it makes it harder.. but they will keep popping up, unfortunately.

 

There are plenty of men out there who have the sense to be aware of their actions and do the right thing- apologize, be more delicate with their words, self-awareness, etc.. and I have faith sensitive people like you and me will find them.

 

Also that book title is complete nonsense. Real men DO apologize, and they do it without being asked.

 

 

Thank you. That's really reassuring to hear. I find I retreat into myself without that assurance of comfort and safety so when a man I love doesn't apologise, it just drives me away...he stopped texting me almost all the time and we didn't see each other for weeks before we broke up. Maybe he thought I would go after him with his withdrawal or he wasn't interested? I just don't know but it just made me want to withdraw more.

 

Anyway that's super nice to hear I think with the ex, he would sometimes say that I should accept these harsh words because of all the other nice things he did...but to me if someone has hurt me and I feel it's important, I can't weigh it up in that kind of way he suggests.

 

Haven't cried at all today though I was a bit emotional...I found it hard concentrating. I might need to take a holiday to get my energy back.

Edited September 26, 2019 by thecrucible
typo

[thecrucible]

People say insensitive things all the time & other people's feelings get hurt. In a good relationship each partner recognizes when they have done wrong & apologizes. Your guy's stubborn refusal to apologize makes him self centered.

 

Update: I've almost got through the 30 day no contact period. I thought I was doing really well and then I get a letter from him :/. I really don't know what to do right now. I can't even bring myself to read it but I think it says something along the lines of "I still love you. I will go to therapy...".