Frustrated!!!!!!!

[Redguitar35]

I need to vent about this. My friend met his partner at work. It was easy as cake and he didn’t have to do any work at all. Ive read about others finding their partner through all sorts of low effort things. One guy said he met his girlfriend at his ACT test. Meanwhile, I’m given advice on this forum to go to all these events, meetups, etc in attempt to meet people. I’ve done online dating for YEARS and have only got a string of one nighters and one thing that lasted a few months. Why is it for some people finding a relationship is easy but for others it’s a struggle. It is frustrating to me that I have to do all this work but for others it was easy. Not a damn bit of it is fair and I am frustrated!!!!!!

Edited September 12, 2019 by Redguitar35

[mortensorchid]

I hear you. I am in the same boat. Yet at the same time I hear just as you have said, some people have the best luck. Then again, I have known some women who are aggressive as hell and all out demand. There is no happy medium anymore. Incidentally all the aggressive women end up divorced or dumped from these guys they were chasing so fervently.

[PRW]

The relationship is only going to form and work out when the attraction is mutual and natural. You can't force it to happen.

 

You also can't attribute those two example at work and at the ACT test as successes because they are only BF/GF. Now if the are are married and stay that way a couple decades, then it was a success. Many so called relationships are very over-the-top emotion driven "frenzies" from both parties that may look great on the surface but is destine to fail and will fail big due to all the out of control emotion driving it.

 

Age range makes a big difference too. Late 20's through the 30's is the sweet spot. Younger than that and they are too immature and childish. The older they get beyond that the more baggage is carried around.

 

Online Dating is just a cancer on the dating world and you need to stay away from it.

[greymatter]

I was lucky and met someone amazing online. Luck, timing and persistence, and not settling or giving up, worked for me. However, OLD is simply one avenue for meeting people. It is not a “cancer on the dating world” (eye roll).

 

Marriage is not the goal for all who are currently dating. I was coupled/married for 18 years, and if still together with him, would consider that a fail. I am happily divorced and love my current partner. Marriage is not a universal definition of success but I love those broad proclamations that PRW is so certain of.

 

OP, keep trying and keep venting here and most importantly be open to feedback and coaching about what you could improve to increase your chances of meeting someone.

[Redguitar35]

The relationship is only going to form and work out when the attraction is mutual and natural. You can't force it to happen.

 

You also can't attribute those two example at work and at the ACT test as successes because they are only BF/GF. Now if the are are married and stay that way a couple decades, then it was a success. Many so called relationships are very over-the-top emotion driven "frenzies" from both parties that may look great on the surface but is destine to fail and will fail big due to all the out of control emotion driving it.

 

Age range makes a big difference too. Late 20's through the 30's is the sweet spot. Younger than that and they are too immature and childish. The older they get beyond that the more baggage is carried around.

 

Online Dating is just a cancer on the dating world and you need to stay away from it.

 

I actually deleted all my dating apps this morning permanently. I’ve been doing online dating for years and it’s just been doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. The dating apps aren’t working and they aren’t going to work. I need to meet someone organically but I don’t know how a 30-something guy with no social circle does that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Do you think maybe this should tell you something? Stop trying and just focus on things that make YOU happy and maybe it will just come?

[smackie9]

If that's the case I would have to say you don't "present" yourself well. Not just appearance, but attitude too. People don't find you appealing enough to see you as a potential partner.

[Redguitar35]

If that's the case I would have to say you don't "present" yourself well. Not just appearance, but attitude too. People don't find you appealing enough to see you as a potential partner.

 

Yep, I’m not somebody anybody wants to date and probably never will be. Not like I’m getting any younger.

[Redguitar35]

Do you think maybe this should tell you something? Stop trying and just focus on things that make YOU happy and maybe it will just come?

 

I doubt it. I don’t have the “look” or the whatever women are looking for.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I doubt it. I don’t have the “look” or the whatever women are looking for.

 

Well, I'd have to agree with you after observing you on LS. I don't know what you physically look like, but the vibe you give off is admittedly undesirable. So, that's why I suggested just forgetting about dating for a while and focus on things that make you happy....hobbies and activities you enjoy. Maybe you will meet someone if focusing on finding someone becomes less of an obsession as you focus on other things. You may find a natural improvement in your attitude if you immerse yourself in hobbies you find enjoyable. Just a suggestion.

[PRW]

but I don’t know how a 30-something guy with no social circle does that.

You won't.

 

Get a social circle. No decent woman is going to trust a guy without a social circle. Loners appear dangerous, unsafe, and creepy.

 

They immediately think WHY doesn't he have a social circle?, WHY no friends?, There must be a reason and I (the woman) don't want to be the one to find out.

Edited September 12, 2019 by PRW

[mark clemson]

You have some control over that, though. For example, you can do what you can to make yourself more attractive (thread below). Perhaps they will come to you? It's easier said than done and takes time, but you can probably improve your odds.

 

Link: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/gen...tive-about-man

 

If/when they do start coming to you, it's important to make sure they have a good experience once they get there. Try to work on smoothing out your (understandable) frustration with women. Do your best to make the conversations fun and to limit anger or neediness on your part as these will be offputting.

 

It's also true there is a certain amount of luck involved. Things just fall into place for some folks sometimes. That can happen for you to at some point.

[smackie9]

It's true, no one feels comfortable around a hermit. If you are not sociable, you are undesirable. Complaining is no resolution. This is something you have no choice in the matter. YOU have to be more open to socializing, making friends, and trusting people.

[PRW]

You won't.

 

Get a social circle. No decent woman is going to trust a guy without a social circle. Loners appear dangerous, unsafe, and creepy.

 

They immediately think WHY doesn't he have a social circle?, WHY no friends?, There must be a reason and I (the woman) don't want to be the one to find out.

I accomplish that via Meetup.com. Create an account on Meetup.com and see if there are Meetup Groups in your area that are interesting to you.

[Gaeta]

Why others have it easy isn't important. It's not relevant to you. I've spent 3,5 years looking for a descent boyfriend while I had it all, the looks, the job, the personality, the financial security. I did not spiral down into 'why oh why', I just believed the more doors I knock on the more probability I will meet someone, and it worked. While I was searching I did a lot of personal development, self-analyze, I tried different approaches, I stayed positive AND the most important I continued living and having fun and building a life on my own.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree it doesn't seem fair. It's super easy and almost zero effort for some people to meet the right person, and this colossal effort for some of us.

 

I also agree that wallowing in this fact doesn't help matters. Nobody's attracted to a negative, unhappy person. So you do whatever you need to do to enjoy and be grateful for what you do have in life. Positive energy is magnetic.

 

For myself, I've given up on dating sites, haven't gone back after my breakup in May. Yet I'm still being contacted occasionally by men who seem dateable through various online channels. I feel I'm on the brink of getting my inner flirt back on, just starting to feel somewhat ready again. Hope springs eternal

[Redguitar35]

I agree it doesn't seem fair. It's super easy and almost zero effort for some people to meet the right person, and this colossal effort for some of us.

 

 

That’s all I’m saying. It is not fair and frustrating as hell that some of us can really put forth the effort and still fail miserably while others it just falls right into their lap with no effort.

[Ruby Slippers]

That’s all I’m saying. It is not fair and frustrating as hell that some of us can really put forth the effort and still fail miserably while others it just falls right into their lap with no effort.

It's also unfair that some of my friends were born into pretty well-to-do families and had dozens of opportunities I never did. But complaining about it isn't going to do a darn thing to change it or improve my life. So I don't bother.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That’s all I’m saying. It is not fair and frustrating as hell that some of us can really put forth the effort and still fail miserably while others it just falls right into their lap with no effort.

 

But these people are not just sitting at home behind a keyboard all the time when they are not at work....or are they?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It would be lovely if life was fair.

[scooby-philly]

That’s all I’m saying. It is not fair and frustrating as hell that some of us can really put forth the effort and still fail miserably while others it just falls right into their lap with no effort.

 

OP,

 

I get your frustration. It's not fair. And it's not fair if you're a decent, hard working guy in a world full of tools, d-bags, adult boys (man children), loners who sit in front of a computer playing online games all day, etc. Take your frustration out productively - lift weights, run, go to a gun range. Talk with people and ask first - can I vent? Maybe, if you can afford it, see a shrink for a while.

 

No person's journey is the same. People may look at you and say "wow - I wish I had his looks" or "he's so good at his job, I'll never be like that ", or "wow, I wish I wasn't tied down with a relationship/marriage and kids at 33". Your journey is your own. And part of the that journey is discovering what you want and then discovering what you can do, stop doing, start doing, change, etc. to help you achieve that.

 

I'm 38 yrs old. My parents provided a home, food, clothes, encouraged me to study, etc. From the outside - looked like a "normal family". But they were shame based. They would argue (and my dad's mom was in the house too), threaten to leave forever, my mom got into drugs when I was 10, my grandmother ended up 20, 30k in debt to the point my dad had to take a mortgage on a house my family had owned for 80 years or so. It was an emotionally incestuous environment. My older brother went to boarding school when I was ten, leaving me all alone. My parents never let me express emotions, every argument fight like a fight for my life, and they were too busy with their own crap to provide nurture, guidance, and emotional support to me. Now they've gotten older and better and I'm no longer a kid. I spent 6 years in a religious order even though I knew I wanted a wife/kids and i enjoy sex very much - but no one gave me guidance or helped with choices. I was a walking a-hole of a know it all. Stuck in my ways, emotionally immature, socially awkward, co-dependent, and just a wreck on the inside. I've spent 10 years in recovery.

 

I have a master's degree, am a leader in my field, make six figures, have little debt and have a decent amount in retirement savings - maybe nowhere near what the fools making 500k a year say someone may age should have - but I have more then the average person. I'm a pretty affectionate, caring, loving, kind, gentle person - but with an attitude and sassy approach that I'm not a carpet. Passionate, sensual, well h....and more. Yes, I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to describe myself as it. But my point is - a lot of women would hopefully call me a "catch". Yet I just had my gf of close to two years walk away from me, dump me via text/im becaeuse she was a bit younger than me and she was immature, from a dysfunctional family which she hasn't started recovery from, and is selfish and inconsiderate. For close to three weeks I cried - multiple times a day even - and am just starting to realize - I deserve better. I've stayed way longer in the 3 ltrs I've been in in the past 10 years because I was raised to be the "good boy" and I didn't own that my needs weren't being met, and I also was in love, with being in love. That's my journey and it's what I've had to endure to make myself better.

 

What's your journey? Only you can help drive that story, discover the answers, and set yourself free.

[Redguitar35]

Well, I'd have to agree with you after observing you on LS. I don't know what you physically look like, but the vibe you give off is admittedly undesirable. So, that's why I suggested just forgetting about dating for a while and focus on things that make you happy....hobbies and activities you enjoy. Maybe you will meet someone if focusing on finding someone becomes less of an obsession as you focus on other things. You may find a natural improvement in your attitude if you immerse yourself in hobbies you find enjoyable. Just a suggestion.

 

I’ve got a lot to be bitter and frustrated about. I dropped everything I was doing to support my previous partner through clinical depression. Drove my partner to the airport. Helped pick out a new wardrobe when they asked for my help before starting a new job. Didn’t stop them breaking up with me two weeks before Xmas. I brought a lot to that relationship, and was told it was the first healthy relationship this person had ever been in. And here I am single and alone anyway. In the end nothing I do matters.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’ve got a lot to be bitter and frustrated about.

 

 

We all do! You can choose to not let it define you, though. My exH cheated on me with a Craigslist ***** and then when I took him back years later for another try, he cheated on me all over again (and we have kids so the heartbreak was even worse). Right after that, I bought a home for my kids and me based on my six figure income I was earning from working for my sister/BIL's business. 6 months after I signed on the dotted line they reduced my income by nearly 50% with no notice so THEY could start traveling all the damn time. Was I bitter? Hell yes! I now live paycheck to paycheck and can't get out of the debt I've incurred since then (I still have near perfect credit though thank-you-very-much! ). I was in therapy for over a year for my bitterness and resentment over the hand life had dealt me with my ex and with my sis/BIL. Life just sucks sometimes! It sucks even worse if you constantly blame other people and/or the universe for bad things that happen to you and get angry that they didn't happen to someone else. I personally choose not to do that because none of us were ever promised life would be easy or fair. Comparing yourself to other people is the ultimate killer of joy.

[an0nym0us123]

Op, im the same age as you and basically in the same boat. Used dating apps, got dates and a couple of flings. Only met one girl who really made my heart skip a beat. She bailed after 4 dates.

 

My social circles are small, yeah i go out to the pub but thats just a tiny pub in a tiny village, chances of meeting anyone is zero.

 

When i was 18 to 25 there were numerous girls locally but most left for the big cities.

 

Dating apps would appear to be the answer for those of us with little time on our hands, small social circles or living in remote areas. However it seems the dynamics on them are different to real life, for starters there are more men than women. Anyone without killer looks seem to get bypassed.

 

I once walked home from a party with 2 hot women, one was an absolute stunner, one on each arm! Both were smitten with me. Go online and most of your messages get ignored!

 

I met my ex in real life. She left her boy friend and a while later came after me. The door opened and i walked in. Easiest thing i ever did, no games, no hot cold crap. It was a breath of fresh air.

 

I dont know the answer but i try to be hopeful that there is always the unexpected. Everything can change in an instant. I do agree with the rest that you and me need to get out and about more. Sitting festering at home is not healthy

[Ruby Slippers]

I’ve got a lot to be bitter and frustrated about. I dropped everything I was doing to support my previous partner through clinical depression...

OK, so you're a giver. So am I. Eventually you learn not to give your time, energy, and love to anyone who hasn't earned it. Any man who gets to that point with me experiences a level of attentiveness and devotion that in most cases he never came close to before. But he's definitely gotta earn it. Don't cast your pearls before swine.