when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[elaine567]

She's putting you in the "friend zone" and once you're there you'll never be her man. Tell her now, if you're not her man you won't be her friend.

She put him in the friendzone whilst they were dating, that was the moment he should have walked away, but he wasn't listening.

Then all of a sudden, told me she loved me but not sure if its as friends or not,

She lost the "spark".

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

and this morning she called me!

 

I deleted her so I didnt recognise the number so answered it, she called me on her way to work and said she just thought she would call for a chat and be nice, talked about random stuff and how busy and how much work she has to do.. then said she would call me or text later on.. i mean what!! why would she do that?! after what i told her...

 

Because she herself isn't thinking rationally. Write her number down on a sheet of paper and store it out of sight so you have it. This way her number is not on your phone to torment you, but you'll still know when she calls. When she calls, do not answer. She's weak right now and she's attempting to test your resolve, to see if she can push you around. Keeping you around makes her life easier. It reduces her anxiety and makes her relax knowing she can have you when she wants. Subconsciously, she won't respect you for it. She'll take that confidence and use it to get over you that much faster.

 

As I mentioned earlier, deciding to break up isn't an easy decision to arrive to. Although she's largely over the relationship, she still has lingering doubt about whether she might have made the right decision. She may have anxiety over not having someone steady in her life anymore. And..she's still used to talking to you. After all, you two had a relationship over a year. Takes time to work through these things.

 

Don't mistake this for her wanting a relationship with you. If that was the case, she'd say she wants to get back together. She willingly ended it with you for particular reasons she had been thinking about for months before the breakup. Those reasons are still very much there. It's just hard for her to cut you off immediately. So here she is, slumming around you, attempting to keep you in her life despite the obvious fact that you just told her yesterday, that you needed your space. If you stick around long enough, you'll see her distance to the point where she's no longer in your life. Worse, you may even discover she's started talking to someone else.

 

This won't be a one time incident either. Expect that she will attempt to contact you a couple of more times while she works through her anxiety/doubts about breaking up. She may try to ask you for advice about something irrelevant or may pawn off a fake crisis just to get you to try and engage with her. She may bring up old memories or may say she "misses you." But anything less of "I made a mistake, I'm sorry, I would like to give us a second chance" is a waste of your time. This girl broke up with you and while her decision to end it is fine..what she's doing here isn't fine.

 

Respect yourself. Stand by your decisions and don't back off.

 

- Beach

Edited September 9, 2019 by Beachead

[d0nnivain]

Well ive deleted her off social media now... and told her why..

 

It's a start. Good for you for taking that first step.

 

I have my own house, a brand new car and a good job..

 

Im also worried about if i go on dates that they wont be like her, since i bought my house she was the one who helped me through it all from start to finish so i get reminded of her easily which is hard. Tomorrows a new day, and one day at a time i will take it as it comes.

 

Taking it one day at a time is all you can do. Yes, dating somebody else will be different. Right now you need not to be dating. You have to heal from the break up. I'd say put dating out of your mind for the rest of this year.

 

Take some time & Grieve. Keep yourself busy. Work on your house. Make it different from when she was there. Rearrange some furniture. Get new sheets. Redecorate. Just change something. Throw yourself into your work to keep your mind occupied.

 

and this morning she called me!

 

why would she do that?! after what i told her... .

 

She called you to reassure herself that you would always be there to support her. She is flattered by the attention you give her. You coming back, you answering, is you affirming that she can manipulate you & be horrible to you, pushing you away, making you the lowest priority in her life & yet you will be take her back, care about her & no matter how bad she is to you, it won't matter. She will continue to give you these breadcrumbs & make empty gestures as long as you let her.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

and this morning she called me!

 

I'm sorry . This must feel so confusing to you . I think you should probably block her so you can heal and move on, but I know you feel like that would ruin any chance of you getting back together. Tough stuff .

[mrlee123]

Yes this is very confusing, do you think me deleting her off social media may have affected her in some way?

Edited September 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Marc878]

Nothing's changed but she just wants to matter.

 

At this point you're stringing yourself along. She can't unless you allow it.

 

This is nothing unusual

 

Actions are all that count. Words, texts, calls don't matter much.

 

You are going to see what you want to see.

 

Hopium addiction is strong

[d0nnivain]

, do you think me deleting her off social media may have affected her in some way?

No. She's too self absorbed to care about anything other than what she wants to care about & on her time table.

 

This is not as confusing as you are making it out to be. You are struggling to reconcile the reality of what's happening vs what you want to happen.

 

Busy is an excuse. It's valid for a few hours or a few days. It is not valid in the context she is using it.

 

When I first started dating my husband I had a full time job (just opened my own business); I was a part time adjunct professor at a local college; I served on 3 boards of trustees & I was the caregiver for parents. My now husband, then new BF, had a FT job, a PT job, & was going to college on line FT. We were very busy people & yet still managed 2-3 dates per week.

[preraph]

I thought you blocked her! What's the point of leaving it where she can call and jack you up? Either you didn't really tell her you didn't want to hear from her or she's being very disrespectful. If she wanted you back, she knows the magic words.

[preraph]

Ask her when she's going to stop talking and come over and have sex.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Yes this is very confusing

 

You're confused because you're choosing to see what you hope for, rather than what is actually happening here. There is no mystery here.

 

She ended it with you. You directly told her you need space and time to get over this. She said she understood. Today, she woke up and decided f*ck what he wants and reached out to you anyway. She was seeing if she could take advantage of you. When you answered the call and then conversed with her over the phone, you told her "Yes." She now knows you have no control of yourself, your decisions carry little weight. With a little bit of manipulation, she can get what she wants. At the expense of your well being, she'll soothe her guilt, clear her doubts and quiet her anxiety. She'll keep you on the backburner and begin searching for someone new, without fear of losing you. When she's gotten everything she requires from you, she'll drop you.

 

- Beach

Edited September 9, 2019 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes this is very confusing, do you think me deleting her off social media may have affected her in some way?

 

Likely not in the way you're hoping, no.

 

She doesn't want to lose you as a convenient source of attention. She probably also feels guilty that you're hurt to the point of deleting her so she could be trying to assuage that guilt by calling you. Either way, I don't think deleting her is suddenly going to make her realize she wants to reconcile.

[stillafool]

do you think me deleting her off social media may have affected her in some way?

 

Yes. I think it gave her peace of mind that she doesn't have to come up with excuses not to see you anymore and she can feel free to move on with her life as your friend. Which she is doing but you don't want to be friend zoned while she waits for another romantic partner. I don't care what she tells you if it is somebody she wants to see she will make time for them.

[mrlee123]

Yeah, well I havent heard from her all day so far...

 

If this small talk continues I will tell her again that she needs to come back when she wants to date again.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

No. Say nothing to her. What she wants is your attention. She wants to know she's still got you hooked. She'll know the moment you lose your cool or if you continue to respond to her. You need to starve her of your attention. Without your participation, she won't be able to engage with you. She'll learn she won't be able to mess with your head. You'll gain her respect. And at some point, what she's really feeling about everything will come out either behind the scenes or directly to you..whatever it'll be.

 

You don't need to say or do anything at this point. Just focus on yourself.

Edited September 9, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

ok thanks...

 

I just didnt want her to continue small talking or calling me on her way to work in the morning and treating me as a friend... so I was going to tell her to stop treating me like a friend and just come back to me when shes thought about us.... but like you said i will stay quiet..

 

Last night i basically told her to go away and properly think about what she wants and that im removing her from social media which i did. At the end of the day I love and care about her, so if shes worried or scared about something then I am here for her.. but she needs to know not to treat me like a friend.. which is why i was debating sending that to her if she carries on.. but so far nothing today.. maybe there wont be anything tomorrow but wel see...

[d0nnivain]

She's gonna keep calling as long as you keep answering the phone. In a few weeks she will think all is good & you two are great friends. In a few months she's start telling you all about this new guy she met . . .

[mrlee123]

I honestly believe her mindset right now is that she wants nothing to do with the stress of a relationship... and I dont think she would be bothered to go through the whole dating thing again... especially with this new teachers job.

 

I get what you're saying abotu not answering though, if i dont she will immediately think im ignoring and playing a game. Then she will go into stubborn mode and do the same...

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Yea I understand. But, your silence is going to do more for you than you words can at this point. Don't pamper her feelings. If she wanted you in her life, then maybe she shouldn't have ended it. She needs feel the gravity of her decision. She can only feel that when she feels she has no access to you. If you make her feel like you'll always pick up the phone when she calls, she won't feel your absence in it's entirety. Yes, she hears what you're saying but she can't bring herself to stop talking to you. Could be because she's just being selfish. Could be there's something real there. Let her figure out why that is. And she can only do that in the silence.

[mrlee123]

I hope you're right... because shes got a lot on with work, stress etc... and on the weekends she goes with her mom to a football game shes constantly busy. This weekend its her birthday so she will be real busy, then October shes going on holiday for 5 days with her mom.. so its like shes got stuff planned so would my silence actually play on her??? seems like she can easily move on like nothings happened but i guess i dont know what goes on in her head. Instead of ignoring her though, after speaking today I feel like she would definetly think im playing a game and go stubborn. I may be overthinking this anyway, and she may not even call again anytime soon i dont know...

 

I wonder what she really thought of me removing her from social media, because its not like she can see what im doing every week now. I have never been one to hassle her about this, I have given her space these past few weeks and only talked when shes messaged first.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

I can tell by your posts you have hope that this is all just a result of her being busy. That she'll get through the tough patch and come back to you and all will be well. I urge you not to allow yourself to be seduced by that fantasy. It's very easy to be when you're in pain and that explanation is easier on your heart.

 

You have to attack this situation on all angles. Even if she does return, how do you know she's not going to drop you again the moment life gets tough? She's already done it once. What if you had been going through a terrible time in your life and she pulled this? She would have left you at your worst, all alone to hand your problems, adding the heartbreak of losing her to it.

 

Is this a person you can rely on? Relationships run deep into the heart. This girl can potentially have the power to destroy you. Relationships also often lead to marriage. Marriage requires trust and loyalty and respect. Reliability. It's a partnership. You want to know you can count on this person. Judging by her actions from this entire situation, she's not doing herself justice.

 

Being busy and ending it?..it just stinks of I'm not invested in this guy and this relationship and I don't know how to let him down.

 

But one more thing..what if she doesn't come back? Have you embraced that possibility yet?

Edited September 9, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

Everything you say makes sense, i get it...

 

In the past I can see what I've done wrong for her to think about certain things such as the same routine, me sometimes not being as positive as she would like as shes a very positive person and other things... all of what can be changed and I believe I have made better changes.

 

All in all I do believe she has been stressed about this job, soon after she got offered it thats when this first started and shes shut me out and been stubborn (she knows that) and last night said in time she will let me in. But I do get what you're saying, like I said she has always been the type of person to just say it how it is. Deep down she is a reliable person and has helped me out a lot.

 

I've thought about her not coming back at all but not in the sense of never ever coming back.. I cant think of that right now as its too raw. If she was to want to start again I would not make it easy for her, and I would ensure she knows exactly what I want going forward. But in reality im not expecting it to go that way.

[Marc878]

I honestly believe her mindset right now is that she wants nothing to do with the stress of a relationship... and I dont think she would be bothered to go through the whole dating thing again... especially with this new teachers job.

 

I get what you're saying abotu not answering though, if i dont she will immediately think im ignoring and playing a game. Then she will go into stubborn mode and do the same...

 

I can't tell you how many times I've heard this one then boom!!!! She has time it's just not for you. You don't mean enough to her.

 

You're just gonna have to live and learn. Sometimes learning the hard way is best. Which is where you're heading.

[Marc878]

I hope you're right... because shes got a lot on with work, stress etc... and on the weekends she goes with her mom to a football game shes constantly busy. This weekend its her birthday so she will be real busy, then October shes going on holiday for 5 days with her mom.. so its like shes got stuff planned so would my silence actually play on her??? seems like she can easily move on like nothings happened but i guess i dont know what goes on in her head. Instead of ignoring her though, after speaking today I feel like she would definetly think im playing a game and go stubborn. I may be overthinking this anyway, and she may not even call again anytime soon i dont know...

 

Look what you wrote. She has time for football games, holidays/vacation, etc but no time for you?

 

You're being way to naive here.

[fromheart]

Super busy, but suddenly finds time to call you when you move off. Always the way.

 

Just tell her that you want her, she can call you is she feels the same way but you're not interested in friendship, as that's not what you want.

 

Then you never contact her ever again. You may get her back this way, but bear in mind that its likely the same thing will happen again. That's why its best to forget an ex and move on.

 

Check Corey Wayne ASAP. Vids on youtube, his book is free.

[preraph]

I don't know how you can keep saying she's too busy with a straight face when she's spending so much time just with her mother

 

it's not like it's mandatory to go to football games and vacations with your mother. It sounds to me that she's got plenty of time but she'd rather spend it with her mother than with you so what does that tell you.