preraph Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 That bit she told you about loved you but not sure if it were friends or not is very telling. I think honestly that she has lost her attraction for you and that you will end up in the friendzone no matter what you do. Think about it. If you were attracted to some woman, would you ever tell her you might only be liking her as a friend lately? I mean, once you say that, it's kind of done. No one would say that if it wasn't true. She's tiptoed around it trying not to hurt your feelings. My guess she was attracted in the beginning but the attraction fizzled after you spent however much time together. I mean, that is what dating is about, spending time to see if love grows or fizzles. So I'd do what was best for you to move on in this situation. You can even tell her, Look, I need to make it easier on myself to move on by not having reminders of you, so hope you don't feel bad that I'd removing you from contacts and social media. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrlee123 Posted September 4, 2019 Author Share Posted September 4, 2019 Weve only been together for just over a year, its bad for me because i have so much in common with her, i love her personality.. well i did before this.. and weve done so much and shes helped me since i moved into my house. she only told me that love but not sure as friends bit after i found out she was following her ex etc on instagram... she went into a mad rage and thats when she said it... shes said she still finds me attractive.. Once this situation came up she first said her head was messed up and wanted time, she said she wanted something inside to click and miss me.. she then said her not working for a long period has drover her insane as she constantly needs to be doing something, she then said she didnt like the routine we got into but never told me as she thought it was just a phase. Then she told me this love thing but not sure if it was as friends.. and then its gone to wanting that butterfly feeling when seeing me. So all this shows how messed up her head is considering the dates we went on she loved it and we kissed etc... Ever since this I have realised I've not been distant from her.. shes always known im there no matter what and that shes in control. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 The butterfly thing and a lot of other stuff she's told you means she's now lukewarm on you, unfortunately. It's fizzled for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrlee123 Posted September 4, 2019 Author Share Posted September 4, 2019 Yeah i mean she loved the 2 dates we went on, said she felt young and it was just how she wanted it... but as soon as I brought the ex thing up thats when it got bad... if i didnt bring it up she would have come to my house and we would have gone on our 3rd date. Guess I will just stay in the NC, remove her and just see what comes of it.. I know I have to try get through this, its easy for people to just say move on forget about her.. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 The fact she hated her ex was a bad sign. Hate is actually close to love. What you needed to see was indifference. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 4, 2019 Share Posted September 4, 2019 Yeah i mean she loved the 2 dates we went on, said she felt young and it was just how she wanted it... but as soon as I brought the ex thing up thats when it got bad... if i didnt bring it up she would have come to my house and we would have gone on our 3rd date. I'm confused. You say that you went on two dates with her and she loved it....but you were together for a year. Am I right in understanding that you went on only two dates in a year? Did the two of you ever have sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrlee123 Posted September 4, 2019 Author Share Posted September 4, 2019 The hate for her ex was genuine and no love was there to be seen.. not from my point of view anyway. Her ex has mental issues as well as being into drugs, something she and her family are majorly against. Her family would cause hell if they ever got together after the suffering hes caused. But they know they have to play the long game with him in order for him to keep up the loan payments out of his pocket... Sorry for the confusion, we were together a year.. but since these problems have happened she wanted to date like the beginning, take it back to the start and date slowly.. which is what we agreed on. Since agreeing on that we went on 2 dates... Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 (edited) My thinking was now shes started her job today that she can have some time to clearly think and reflect because shes obviously confused and hasnt been thinking straight. She even said like 2 weeks ago when shes working we can do a lot more together as she wont be restricted with money. If i removed her, not block. I need to get her to want to miss me, which is why maybe doing that shows some extent on moving on.. shes playing some sort of game because ive noticed she only puts stories up after i do. Going into the 3rd day on NC now, Friday and Saturday im in a hotel near her with work and she knows I will be there. So I guess I'll see what comes of it... my guess is I wont hear anything as it will have only been a week. You can't 'make her want to miss you'. You need to stop with all this and accept it's over. She wont be coming back. I know you're just spending your time right now watching her social media and waiting for her to give up no contact, but she's not going to do that. She has told you that it's not working and that she wants to be on her own. All this obsessing over her is not healthy and you need to block everything (as i said in a previous comment). She is not playing games with you. She just doesn't want to be with you. Move on. Edited September 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrlee123 Posted September 5, 2019 Author Share Posted September 5, 2019 I accept your point and I will try to move on.. hence why i will remove her this weekend... But you need to understand that she is the type of person that will say its over i dont want this anymore.. instead of sending cryptic messages or first saying she doesnt know what she wants then quickly saying wants to be on her own and not replying.. i asked her so you 1000% dont want me anymore? And she didnt reply, she keeps checking my social media and only puts up a story after i do. She has other things going on in her life which can co tribute to messing up her head and we havent had clear space before to properly think. Removing her will send out a message on my part.. but i also.need to do it for me to not look at her and get down on myself. Im going to stick to NC, not even say or get her anything for her birthday and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 (edited) But she didn't send any cryptic messages. She told you straight that she doesn't think your relationship is working and that she wants to be on her own. That's pretty clear. Removing/blocking will send out the message that you are done and moving on from her. Edited September 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrlee123 Posted September 5, 2019 Author Share Posted September 5, 2019 She never told me shes done.. when she was angry at me for questioning her about her ex she said she wasnt sure and hung up imstead of discussing.. shes a very indecisive person at times. Last sunday she said again she wasnt sure what she wanted. All.i can do.is just wait and see what happens.. she knows im tired of her games, how good ive been with her and how well we do click when we are together. I guess time will tell. Because she needs time to clear her mind.. but yeah id be surprised if she messaged me. But it is weird her checking my stories etc and only doing some.herself after i do.. Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 (edited) 'We're not working' and 'i just want to be on my own' is clearly saying she's done. It's not weird that she looks at peoples stories and posts stories at all. That's all in your head. She is looking at others peoples storied too, not just yours. You are taking every little thing and turning it around to mean something that it doesn't. The sooner you realize how ridiculous this is the sooner you can move on. Edited September 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 she knows im tired of her games, how good ive been with her and how well we do click when we are together. I guess time will tell. Because she needs time to clear her mind.. but yeah id be surprised if she messaged me. But it is weird her checking my stories etc and only doing some.herself after i do.. How could she possibly know you are tired of her games when you are still throwing the ball back? As for her ex, if there is money owed by him she should absolutely still be in contact! In every way! Social media included and still be civil! Unless she wants to cut her losses! What is this loan he is paying off still? She talks about butterflies in early stage relationships? Yes sure we all love that!! But we forego that for genuine love and no longer care for it anymore but rather reminisce about it with the one we love and create new memories. The fact that she still wants those butterflies suggests that she never grew to genuinely love you. That’s ok! It’s only a year later and often the year mark is when people realise whether they want to continue the relationship or end it. She has chosen to end it. Whether you stay in contact or no contact , will not change her mind. My guess is that she would prefer you go no contact. It will alleviate any guilt she may have over ending it. I certainly was super happy when my last ex went no contact!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrlee123 Posted September 5, 2019 Author Share Posted September 5, 2019 I guess you're all right.. she randomly texted me today saying congrats on your job promotion, however me working has made me realise that I currently dont have time for anything. She only started this job yesterday!! its Weird because last year she was super busy as well with College and i was understanding of that and there was no problem. I guess she just doesnt want me, I hope one day she regrets this. So now im deleting, it hurts so bad to see someone who was over the moon with me a month ago now go to this. There is no point me talking to her anymore so I wont, again it only lasted 3 days NC until she messaged me. As for the person who asked about her ex... yes she has the right to keep in contact and she knows ive always respected her with that and never given her any grief about it.. but keeping him blocked for so long and then unblocking him was weird, and once i ask why thats when things turn bad for us. Thanks for all your comments, I dont think I will be back on here anytime soon due to the pain im in... if any surprising situation comes up I will let you know.. but i doubt she will say anything ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrlee123 Posted September 5, 2019 Author Share Posted September 5, 2019 (edited) and this cycle just keeps on going lol.... she now texted me saying ok i will meet you friday night, thats not a problem, promised she has nobody else lined up but shes super busy with work and has a boring life.. She then asked if i only want to meet her if i want her to try again with me... so that shows she just wants the friend thing or whatever what on earth is going on here!!??! Edited September 5, 2019 by mrlee123 Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 Personally I wouldn't do it. I'd block her and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrlee123 Posted September 5, 2019 Author Share Posted September 5, 2019 she said shel phone me on her way to work tomorrow... shes so messed up in the head i just dont get her... Link to post Share on other sites
Maddie82 Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 (edited) Like I said, block her so she can't call you. She can't confuse you then. Edited September 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 5, 2019 Share Posted September 5, 2019 Her not doing what you want doesn't mean she's messed up in the head. She's happy to meet you as a friend....it's your choice as to whether or not you agree to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggiemay1 Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 and this cycle just keeps on going lol.... The cycle is going on because it seems you want it to and allow it to. It will end eventually but how many tries of the roller coaster are you willing to give before you realise it goes nowhere and just makes you sick? It’s amazing how you received a text from her when you had stated you were blocking her?! Sue your phone provider?! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 she now texted me saying ok i will meet you friday night, thats not a problem, promised she has nobody else lined up but shes super busy with work and has a boring life.. She then asked if i only want to meet her if i want her to try again with me... so that shows she just wants the friend thing or whatever She is obviously agreeing to YOUR request to meet up Friday night. Dumpers can be friends with exes all day and all night, as they are no longer emotionally "involved". Yes they can get a bit upset or nostalgic at times but it does't mean they regret their decision or that they want you back. They are happy being friends as that assuages their guilt, and means there are no lingering hard feelings. Ergo, they are not a bad person for dumping you... This is why NC is the best course of action for dumpees. A dumpee cannot be "just friends" as long as they want "more" or have "feelings" - it tears them apart. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrlee123 Posted September 6, 2019 Author Share Posted September 6, 2019 So me and my gf have had problems for a few weeks, all of a sudden shes been saying different things are wrong. She first didnt tell me as she thought it was a phase but it wasnt... Shes messed me around a lot as shes so confused and doesnt know what she wants or what will happen in future. This week she started her first new job as a teacher, i spoke to her on the phone today, we didnt speak for 3 days as i told her to not contact me unless she wants to talk about this. So a day after she started her job she said she doesnt have time for anything right now as shes so busy with work from morning until night.. shes promised me there is nobody else. I spoke to her today and she just said that right now her sole focus is her job, she knows im brilliant, she knows ill be there for her and understand how busy she is, she still wants me as a part of her life so wont delete me etc.. and she doesnt know why she feels like and maybe in time she will feel different but right now wants to remain like this.. its her birthday next weekend and im in the area with work.. so i dont know weather to meet up with her or not. Anyway, I dont know weather to remove her off social media and tell her the reasons why and then go NC to see if she gets back to me in the next 2 weeks. Or if I should just keep her on there and mute her and try not to look at it, and also go NC. Im tempted to text her this today but not sure if I should: 'right, if you dont want me in your life then im gone, sort your head out because youre acting mental, you know im here to always help you and not put pressue on you. So if you wanna date properly/go slow and have fun then contact me when youre ready because you wont be this busy all the time. No, im not mentally trying to get to you. You will be working for a long time now so sort yourself out otherwise youll never be happy, dont stress about work, you will be fine and i have your back. Im in your area with work next Friday, so if you wanna meet me then let me know and I can bring your birthday gift. But im no pushover so im just saying it how it is'. Basically I dont want to be friendzones.. but some people have told me if i delete her without telling her that will make her mad and stubborn. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 Do not send that text. It makes YOU sound like the "mental" one. Just curious, do you know how busy teachers often are? Their jobs don't end at 3PM. She's telling you that she wouldn't make a good girlfriend right now because of how much time and energy she's putting into doing her job well. Believe her. No need to insult her by calling her "mental" or telling her she needs to "sort herself out or she'll never be happy" (this isn't true and just makes you sound disrespectful out of insecurity). You made it clear that her busyness is not ok with you ("don't contact me unless you want to talk about this"). You being so testy with her about the way she sees her priorities in life right now (and being honest about them) is not cool. She has a right to feel this way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrlee123 Posted September 6, 2019 Author Share Posted September 6, 2019 only reason i would say those things is because of how much shes messed me around without considering my feelings.. this has been going on for weeks with other things going on... now shes trying to keep me as a friend after everything i have done for her..... i knew how busy she would be, she was like this with college last year and i was totally understanding of it which she knows. Theres just something in her making her like this, 2 months ago she was over the moon. So i dont know weather to go NC and tell her why or just keep small talking and see what happens... I could maybe say sorry, i dont want to small talk, come back to me when you realise you want to take it slow and date properly.. you wont always be busy with work. And after 2 weeks maybe delete her if i dont hear anything?? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 Don't keep on with the way things are or your resentment over the situation is just going to grow and you will lash out and say awful things to her. I suggest you nicely let her go for now so she can focus on her job and tell her if it's meant to be, once she feels less stressed in her new job and feels like she has more free time to put into a relationship, you will find each other again. Then leave her alone. Don't harass her if she says "OK." Respect her. (And yourself) Link to post Share on other sites
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