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when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

mrlee123

By mrlee123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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With that last note you want to send, you're painting yourself into "I will wait for you forever" corner, leaving it all up to her and leaving the door open. You will never move on. She already knows you want to be with her. She doesn't want to be with you. Stop professing your love to her. It's sooooo humiliating. It's so cringy. What you want has ceased to matter to her.

 

The goal is to stop caring what she's doing or thinking. Stop telling her you still want her and care and just, if anything, write, I need to go no contact so I can move on. Being friends isn't an option.

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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I'm wondering if how you're acting could be a reason she doesn't want a relationship with you.

 

You probably should take a good introspective look at yourself for your next relationship.

 

We all have to do this from time to time. How we view ourselves isn't necessarily how others view us.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Well ive deleted her off social media now... and told her why

 

She thanked me for being honest and said she totally understands... then said shes sorry for it all but shes just super super busy right now.. she also said she knows she shuts everyone out and not just me..

 

Damn thats the hardest thing ive ever had to do! i hope things get better.. right now i feel so bad..

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

It's nice that she assured you weren't the only one being pushed away but you're not just anyone. You were her boyfriend. Does she mean to tell you that everytime life gets overwhelming, she'll push you away and neglect you? That's not a very comforting quality regarding the girl you want to be with. I say this, because it's very important you see her for who she is and what she's actually doing, rather than who you wanted her to be. If you can do that, it's going to make your road to recovery smoother.

 

Now that you've said what you had to say, focus on yourself now. Your ex has to come to a decision on her own. If she doesn't contact you again, that's all the answer you need. If she does, you should accept nothing less than "I made a mistake, I'm sorry for hurting you, and I want to get back together." Meaningless conversation with no direction will not be enough. You want a relationship with her and nothing short of that so know what you want and stick by it. She'll respect you for it.

 

It'll be tough. Grief isn't pleasant, healing is slow, the process will be up and down..but do everything in your power not to contact her again.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Thank you for your kind words....

 

 

she has had anxiety issues in the past, and she does seem to shut people out in certain situations which she knows about... she knows where im at now, shes never had the feeling of losing me as ive bene in the background (social media) and shes known to what im doing... but now she wont..

 

I know i wont contact her, i will be strong like that. I know im going to try focus on myself now but there is some hope deep down she will come to realise what shes done. I get shes super busy with work now, but all i wanted was to be there for her.. she knows i would be understanding with that so she will have to figure out herself now whatever she wants.

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schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

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Good luck Mr. Lee

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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I can't believe she's sticking with the "I'm busy." That's never an excuse to just totally break off with someone. That's more just she can't handle an involved relationship. I hope you find someone who can.

 

You did the right thing. Hope you are able to get busy socially with friends and stay distracted here for awhile. Maybe take up a new hobby or volunteer effort.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Thanks, I do hope Ive done the right thing.... i do get that shes busy, she goes to work at 7am and when she gets home she works all night then... its in her head because its a new special needs teacher job she has to work super hard.

 

I guess I dont know if absence will make the heart grow fonder, I go to the gym, made some friends and today went for a walk with one. As weird as it sounds even though im so hurt and miss her, there is a tiny bit of relief in me that Ive done this and I dont know why...

 

But I do hope she will contact me sometime saying how shes realised what shes done... thats not to say im gonna wait because im not. But i hope she does because she knows i was brilliant with her.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

Time will tell, friend.

 

For now, what's more important is getting yourself to focus on you and your life because it's what you can change. It's important to see that so that you can feel in control again rather than out of control. Start letting yourself feel and express your pain without shame as you'll need to feel it to work through it and get better. At the same time, continue to live.

 

It would be a good idea to pay close attention to your feelings and thoughts through this process. Try to document it in the form of written journals every now and then. It'll give you an idea of what your most dominant thoughts and feelings are. When you get a grasp of what's going on within you, you can then construct a far better game plan through your recovery. You can do this once or twice a week.

 

Furthermore, you can even just target a journal towards one or two things you are grateful for in your current life. This will help you focus your mind on appreciating what you still have in your life, despite her absence. This you can do more frequently.

 

I did this during some very difficult periods in my life and it helped me learn about myself, the way I think, the way I react etc. In turn I used that knowledge to adjust myself and become better at handling adversity. Breakups, as miserable as they are, provide opportunity for tremendous internal growth. If you use it as such, you will apply all your wisdom from this experience towards your future.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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I know i wont contact her, i will be strong like that. I know im going to try focus on myself now but there is some hope deep down she will come to realise what shes done. I get shes super busy with work now, but all i wanted was to be there for her.. she knows i would be understanding with that so she will have to figure out herself now whatever she wants.

 

Everyone is busy. That's life. You are kidding yourself with excuses.

 

Most will do anything to let you down nicely. That's all this is.

 

Living in hopium is a self imposed state.

 

You can't deal with reality so you'll have yourself stuck longer than you need yo.

 

Live and learn

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Thanks Beach, these past couple weeks have been horrible... all ive been thinking about and looking at is her... its affected me in work.

 

Now that I dont have her to look at it will be weird, and at the moment because im hurting and hoping she will get back to me at some stage i guess its going to take time. I dont know what it is, I have my own house, a brand new car and a good job.. whereas she lives with her parents... difficult to find someone who can stand on their own two feet these days.. especially where im from anyway. Obviously it wasnt enough for her right now.

 

Im also worried about if i go on dates that they wont be like her, since i bought my house she was the one who helped me through it all from start to finish so i get reminded of her easily which is hard. Tomorrows a new day, and one day at a time i will take it as it comes.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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You just have to remember that it was she who chose this lifestyle and job that made her this busy. She chose it over a relationship with you. she may have chosen it over any relationship. Only time will tell.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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You having a job, house and all that is good, of course, but it's not what makes people fall in and out of love with you. If you don't have it, it can prevent it, but it can't make someone. She's not shopping for a good vacuum. It's about her feelings and her priorities and her attraction and there was some dealbreaker about you she didn't want to live with or else the attraction went away or both.

 

Since you do have little insight and a hard time facing reality, it could even very well be that that made her lose feelings for you. In your eyes, everything was good. In her eyes, it wasn't. You have an inability to see through her eyes. Whenever one half of a couple thinks everything is perfect, often it's because they've gone blind to the other person's needs and the other person is the one making all the concessions.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Thats whats weird even through all of this she still says shes attracted to me...

 

when I asked her a few weeks ago if everything was fine she said it was, she loved me and had no doubts... then it suddenly happened. Whats done is done from tonight now... its up to her if she contacts me again. But im not expecting it..

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@mrlee123

 

Im also worried about if i go on dates that they wont be like her, since i bought my house she was the one who helped me through it all from start to finish so i get reminded of her easily which is hard. Tomorrows a new day, and one day at a time i will take it as it comes.

 

You're wise to worry about that because it will happen if you begin dating too soon.

 

I would stay away from dating for awhile. The grief that you're going through is going to put you through a rollercoaster of ups and downs for awhile. Getting better and returning to a healthy emotional balance takes a lot of time and work and while you are trying to make sense of it all, you don't want to bring another person into that. Dating can lead to more and if it does, you won't be in any condition to take that responsibility on. Remember, you'll be dealing with another person's heart. Not only will you complicate your own life even further, but you'll end up very likely having to hurt this person and that'll just make you feel worse.

 

A lot of people plunge into denial about their situation after the initial shock of the breakup wears off and feel "better" convincing themselves that their exes are just confused will return when they sort it all out. Thinking they're better, they date others and all is seemingly well. Time passes and after some period, they start facing the facts that their ex isn't coming back. Reality will kick in and they'll fall into depression while with someone new. So now, while they have to give 100% to someone else, they also have to grieve without showing it to other person which is the worst thing a person can do, because getting through grief requires us to express our pain freely. If we can't do that, it manifests itself in other ways. The result is damage to the new relationship.

 

In summary, avoid it for awhile until you find feel more emotionally balanced.

 

..when I asked her a few weeks ago if everything was fine she said it was, she loved me and had no doubts... then it suddenly happened. Whats done is done from tonight now... its up to her if she contacts me again. But im not expecting it..

 

All this should tell you she is in no condition to be with you. Her words carry very little weight if they can lose value in a matter of weeks. Better to be broken up and far away from that confusion, than in it, being pulled and pushed by it.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Thats whats weird even through all of this she still says shes attracted to me...

 

when I asked her a few weeks ago if everything was fine she said it was, she loved me and had no doubts... then it suddenly happened. Whats done is done from tonight now... its up to her if she contacts me again. But im not expecting it..

 

She wasn't being fully honest. This is where actions speak much louder than words. Sounds like she is nonconfrontational and probably didn't bring up all her reservations and issues, but once she'd had enough, she nicely left trying not to hurt feelings. Nonconfrontational.

spiritedaway2003 Established Member

spiritedaway2003

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I would stay away from dating for awhile. The grief that you're going through is going to put you through a rollercoaster of ups and downs for awhile. Getting better and returning to a healthy emotional balance takes a lot of time and work and while you are trying to make sense of it all, you don't want to bring another person into that. Dating can lead to more and if it does, you won't be in any condition to take that responsibility on. Remember, you'll be dealing with another person's heart. Not only will you complicate your own life even further, but you'll end up very likely having to hurt this person and that'll just make you feel worse.

 

Tons of wisdom in what Beach says. Heartbreak is hard, but try to get that emotional balance first. You need time to process the loss. It's fresh and raw right now.

 

(By the way, thanks Beach. I really enjoy reading your posts. They are very calming to read. And the advice is always well-balanced).

 

I don't have any real advice. I've not yet succeeded myself, except for maintaining NC (and even then you still experience the ups and downs). You'd feel better one day and you're not in as good a state the next. The heart wants what it wants - even when you know it's not good for you sometimes. Hang in there.

Edited by spiritedaway2003
Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Words are meaningless. People lie or hold back on the truth.

 

The real test is their actions. Always.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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@spiritedaway2003

 

(By the way, thanks Beach. I really enjoy reading your posts. They are very calming to read. And the advice is always well-balanced).

 

I'm happy to hear it and glad it has helped you on your own journey :).

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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and this morning she called me!

 

I deleted her so I didnt recognise the number so answered it, she called me on her way to work and said she just thought she would call for a chat and be nice, talked about random stuff and how busy and how much work she has to do.. then said she would call me or text later on.. i mean what!! why would she do that?! after what i told her...

 

I dont know if removing her off social media had an effect... maybe it did maybe it didnt...

 

 

small talking like this cant go on forever..

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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You'll starve on breadcrumbs

assertives Established Member

assertives

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and this morning she called me!

 

I deleted her so I didnt recognise the number so answered it, she called me on her way to work and said she just thought she would call for a chat and be nice, talked about random stuff and how busy and how much work she has to do.. then said she would call me or text later on.. i mean what!! why would she do that?! after what i told her...

 

I dont know if removing her off social media had an effect... maybe it did maybe it didnt...

 

 

small talking like this cant go on forever..

 

And this is why others have recommended you block her number. Random texts and calls like these is only going to mind**** you unless you've reached the point where you don't want anything more than friends and feel indifferent to her. Block her. If she uses another number to call you, tell her not to call again, keep it short and polite and end the call.

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Maggiemay1 Established Member

Maggiemay1

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and this morning she called me!

 

I deleted her so I didnt recognise the number so answered it, she called me on her way to work and said she just thought she would call for a chat and be nice, talked about random stuff and how busy and how much work she has to do.. then said she would call me or text later on.. i mean what!! why would she do that?! after what i told her...

 

I dont know if removing her off social media had an effect... maybe it did maybe it didnt...

 

 

small talking like this cant go on forever..

 

That is the very reason you were advised to block her!!!

 

She called you because she is self centred. It’s nothing to do with you.

Sorry, but she is a cow for ignoring your politeness to tell her you were deleting her from social media and for the reasons you gave. (You didn’t owe her that)

 

And here she is throwing you breadcrumbs.

She knows where you live! IF and that’s a highly unlikely IF , that she changed her mind about you, she can cut out the BS and come see you.

 

You KNOW that!

 

Block NOW for your own sanity.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
and this morning she called me!

 

I deleted her so I didnt recognise the number so answered it, she called me on her way to work and said she just thought she would call for a chat and be nice, talked about random stuff and how busy and how much work she has to do.. then said she would call me or text later on.. i mean what!! why would she do that?! after what i told her...

 

You should have asked her that question.

 

She is being disrespectful by continuing to contact you like this when you've made it clear that even seeing her social media was too hurtful for you. She is apparently relying on you to bolster her self-esteem when she has nobody else to talk to or make her feel good about herself.

 

In other words, she realizes single life can be dull too, and she would still like you to fill in those gaps for her. Either or that or she's got her eye on another guy but isn't sure where that's going and hopes you'll remain on standby until she figures that out.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
and this morning she called me!

 

I deleted her so I didnt recognise the number so answered it, she called me on her way to work and said she just thought she would call for a chat and be nice, talked about random stuff and how busy and how much work she has to do.. then said she would call me or text later on.. i mean what!! why would she do that?! after what i told her...

 

I dont know if removing her off social media had an effect... maybe it did maybe it didnt...

 

 

small talking like this cant go on forever..

 

She's putting you in the "friend zone" and once you're there you'll never be her man. Tell her now, if you're not her man you won't be her friend.

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