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when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

mrlee123

By mrlee123
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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so if i totally ghost her on her birthday and not say happy birthday.. that in the long run will be better?

 

Better for whom?

Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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so just by ghosting here thats better?? ill still have her on social media as i cant bring myself to remove her yet... ive muted her so i dont see anything so im trying my best now one step at a time to not look at her... i may sound weird but its hard and i am trying.

 

 

so if i totally ghost her on her birthday and not say happy birthday.. that in the long run will be better?

 

I wouldn't call that ghosting, considering you two officially broke it off by her decision. She knows what's up. It would be ghosting if you two were still together and you disappeared out of her life without an explanation.

 

If anything, not wishing her on the one day she expects to hear from you, will drive the point home, that things are over and she's the reason it happened. Don't do this with the idea of manipulating her back into your life. Do this with the idea that you won't be able to get passed this and get over her if she's in your life constantly reminding you of the heartache she caused you. You need space and time. You're doing this for you.

 

Silence and action do more than words in situations like this. Don't waste time with small talk. You got a life to live.

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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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If anything, not wishing her on the one day she expects to hear from you, will drive the point home, that things are over and she's the reason it happened. Don't do this with the idea of manipulating her back into your life.

 

Similarly, don't say or do anything with the idea of manipulating her back into your life. It sounds like you might be in the "if I just say or do the right thing she'll take me back" mode of operation here, and that's just not gonna work because she hasn't said that's what she wants from you. You feel awful right now because you have no control about how this goes, she does. Understandable.....breakups suck :(.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Yeah, I just thought if I dont wish her a happy birthday then she would just go into stubborn mode and think.. wow, hes playing games or think that I dont care anymore.. so then she would get annoyed and not care herself about me. I know she cares, just not at the same level as I do.

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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I know she cares, just not at the same level as I do.

 

Wishing her happy birthday isn't going to change that, I'm sorry to say. :(

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Yeah, I just thought if I dont wish her a happy birthday then she would just go into stubborn mode and think.. wow, hes playing games or think that I dont care anymore.. so then she would get annoyed and not care herself about me. I know she cares, just not at the same level as I do.

 

If she does think that, she'll soon realize it isn't a game.

 

The reason she contacts you is because she's still used to the routine of talking to you. But make no mistake, she'll put an end to it eventually. The decision to end relationships don't happen overnight. It happens months before the breakup. Maybe even a year before. It starts off as a thought here..a feeling there. It begins to accumulate and consume their mind. They spend a lot of time weighing it leaving versus staying. Sometimes, they get over it. Sometimes not. And if they don't, guilt starts to take over, knowing they're not invested anymore. They have to be around their partner pretending they are, while their partner has no idea. Makes them feel like a bad person. When they do end it, it's a relief to them. That's why often times, we find our exes are so cold to us. They just don't want to think about the breakup or us because it reminds them of the hurt they caused so they run from it. But they know they wanted to do it, they know why they did it and their over it. The only thing that lingers is the attachment to the old routine of talking their partner on the daily. They're afraid of walking into a world alone without the comfort and familiarity. They may not be sure if they made the right call. This is also another reason why she is keeping in contact with you. It helps her sort those remaining feelings and transition out.

 

This is why I'll tell you there isn't much you can do to change her mind at this point. Her mind is made up. She's just not fully ready to leave yet. Could it change? Perhaps..months down the road..a year maybe. But putting yourself in limbo to wait will be destructive to your state of mind and your life, so waiting isn't worth it.

 

For you and for any person who's been dumped, the one thing you have to do is the one thing you don't want to do..which is walk away. By contrast, the one thing you want to do is the one thing you shouldn't do..which is stick around. It's very difficult to see that when you're in shock and in disbelief over your relationship and the way your ex is acting right now. To you, you see things as fixable and you haven't even thought about healing and moving forward. Your progress is at 0% and it won't even get to 1% until a few months later. She on the other hand, did her getting over you, in the relationship and is almost over this. She leads the break up and the pace and you're at the mercy of it.

 

So you see, her feelings shouldn't be your concern because she already has a headstart on the breakup and gained a significant emotional advantage over you. Your concern should be yourself.

 

You're really going to have to put in a lot of emotional strength to disconnect from her in the beginning and expect that you'll feel miserable for awhile and won't start to feel better until months later. Hope is the hardest thing let go of for people who are broken up with. Takes months of daily disappointment of not hearing from them or nothing happening to finally admit "Wow, she can actually live her life everyday without me and she's fine with it. She doesn't care. F*ck her." Eventually holding on begins to feel excruciating and begins to feel pointless and the thought of letting go and moving forward begins to make more sense. At which point you accept the possibility that they may never come back and that you have to start moving forward. The good news is, you will get through it and you will recover. There's plenty of people on here that know the routine and have been through it. They'll provide guidance and support for you. I know how miserable you must feel and I know it's difficult.

 

Stay strong

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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Maggiemay1 Established Member

Maggiemay1

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She is your EX!!!

People do NOT wish their exes a happy birthday, happy Easter , happy thanksgiving, happy Christmas or happy anything.

 

You can’t push someone away who has already willingly walked away because they wanted to.

 

You need to START the grieving process!

Sure, breakups hurt , we have all been through it.

You will get over it but you haven’t even started trying to yet.

A good start would be to stop reading and watching videos about break ups!

 

Instead process your own feelings!

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Yeah, well yesterday all i got was"

 

So how was your day today? to which i replied was good thank you, and then she said oh great stuff - to that i didnt reply and then didnt hear anything all day..

 

Im not expecting anything today either.... what I do want to know though if there is a single bit of love or part of her that misses me... because i know there is... but i wont ask her! a week before this happened when we were chilling together watching tv a girl came on and she was jealous asking me if i thought she was hot!

 

in the beginning she was the one who was chasing me and obsessed... roles have switched now. Its ridiculously hard to stop thinking about her, like i said i will keep her on social media but hide her for the time being... i was thinking a couple weeks, if we dont talk thats when try to delete.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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a week before this happened when we were chilling together watching tv a girl came on and she was jealous asking me if i thought she was hot!

 

You realize this has little to do with you, and much more to do with her ego?

 

It's not a sign she is in love with you.

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Im debating of i should text her this today...

 

Im sorry for sending this but i have to. i cant change how you feel and im not tryna mentally get to you. I have had an amazing year with you and done so much, been so happy both in doing things and obviously we had a great sex life. I respect youre busy with work and will always understand and give no pressure.

 

You are the girl i love and the one who i love making happy. I like it when we do stuff and bond and then that smile on your face makes it million times better which then makes me happy. Im removing you from social media only because i miss you, and if i see you everyday on there then i miss you more not because i hate you cuz i dont. You are the most amazing, kind hearted girl ive ever met. I just wanted us to try properly clean like the start without any stressful thoughts and now ur working it would be fun. If you want to try slow woth fresh minds then you have my number to contact me. Im near you more now anyway with work. Even if its just to vent about some **** going on or on way to work ill help. You are my girl, and the one who i will cherish deep in my heart.

 

Also i have your birthday presents but cant give them unless i see you. See what happens.

 

Thanks x

 

 

Should i send that? Or wait a few days...

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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...what I do want to know though if there is a single bit of love or part of her that misses me... because i know there is... but i wont ask her!

It doesn't matter if she misses you or not. many dumpers "miss" the dumpee, but it doesn't mean they want them back.

a week before this happened when we were chilling together watching tv a girl came on and she was jealous asking me if i thought she was hot!

Jealousy is no indication of "feelings".

Plenty people get jealous, when they don't actually want you, but they don't want anyone else to have you either.

It can be a territorial thing.

"He is mine, I don't want him but you cannot have him."

It can be about making sure they have a plan B, by eliminating any competition. They don't want you checking out other options.

They can also enjoy the buzz and ego boost of you being still interested in them, even if they are no longer interested in you.

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Should i send that? Or wait a few days...

 

NO, NO and more NO, on so many different levels...

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Obviously you aren't getting it.

 

She's gone.

 

Let her go completely or just keep yourself tied up in this.

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Maddie82 Established Member

Maddie82

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mrlee don't send that text. It comes across very obsessive and creepy.

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Im debating of i should text her this today...

 

Sounds high Schoolish

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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No, do not send her that message, OP.

 

She's already gone, man. What you write to her now won't help your cause, but it will make you cringe later when you realize you should never have sent her something so emotional and needy.

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Beachead Established Member

Beachead

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Im debating of i should text her this today...

 

Unless you are doing it for peace of mind, don't send that. I can tell you're attempting to get a reaction out of her with that letter. You're not going to get what you hope for. You'll just get a lifeless, emotionless, dry response that'll leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Months from now, you'll look back at it and cringe. There's too much explanation on how you feel about her. You have to understand that she already knows how you feel. She knew what she had and she left it because she didn't want it. Don't slum around someone who voluntarily left your life.

 

If there's something you want to say before you cut ties..then tell her this:

 

"I'm not angry with you but I'm hurting. I understand your uncertainty but you broke this off and I didn't want that. I don't want to be in emotional limbo, wondering if or when we'll ever get back together. I need space and time to heal and get passed this. I hope you understand that. Take care of yourself."

 

It shows you cared but you're being firm. You can alternatively just cut ties first and tell her this IF she contacts you out of anger. After you've said this, stand by it and don't trade back and forths with her. Just disappear. She's going to need the silence and the time to sort her head out. She'll still have your number so she can still reach you if she ever does.

 

- Beach

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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Im debating of i should text her this today...

 

 

She KNOWS you don't hate her. She KNOWS you still love her. Do not send that text. It will NOT get her back and it isn't necessary to make sure she knows how you feel. She already knows.

 

Listen to what Beachead said: "To you, you see things as fixable and you haven't even thought about healing and moving forward. Your progress is at 0% and it won't even get to 1% until a few months later. She on the other hand, did her getting over you, in the relationship and is almost over this."

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mrlee123 Established Member

mrlee123

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Ok i wont send that..

 

but i need to send something to tell her im deleting her off social media.. I have to because i just keep looking at it. What about something like this:

 

Hi, you know how I feel about you and how I want to restart properly and slow with you like the beginning. I respect your wish to focus on work now, you have my number to contact me if you want to talk this out when youre less stressed.

 

I have to remove you from social media though (not block) because the more I see of you on there everyday the more I miss you. Im not angry with you and understand your uncertainty.

 

Thank You

CautiouslyOptimistic Established Member

CautiouslyOptimistic

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You do not need to inform her of this. If/when she notices, she will know why.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Actually it's the opposite. Regularly posting things like going out, fun things etc makes you look like you're just trying to make her jealous.

 

I couldn't agree more. It looks like you're screaming for an ex's attention by posting all that you're doing in your life. It's better to not post anything and go silent which raises curiosity.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Also i have your birthday presents but cant give them unless i see you. See what happens.

 

Thanks x

 

 

Should i send that? Or wait a few days...

 

No. Do not send her anything when she has asked for space and wants to just be friends. You have got to pull yourself together and stop chasing a girl who has made if as clear as she can without hurting your feelings that it's over.

 

At the beginning of hte thread you had only one birthday present for her and now you're saying "present(s)". Did you go out and buy more? Take them back and get your money refunded.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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No, do not send her that message, OP.

 

She's already gone, man. What you write to her now won't help your cause, but it will make you cringe later when you realize you should never have sent her something so emotional and needy.

 

^that right there

Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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I need to send something to tell her im deleting her off social media.. I have to because i just keep looking at it. What about something like this:

 

All you're doing is trying to have an excuse for contact hoping she'll come back. This makes you sound weak and needy. You need to grow up a bit. This wreaks of immaturity.

 

You don't owe her a thing and I doubt she even cares. Block her

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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a week before this happened when we were chilling together watching tv a girl came on and she was jealous asking me if i thought she was hot!

 

 

She said this because she was jealous that the girl on tv was prettier than her and wanted you to verify that she wasn't; which you did.

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