when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[mrlee123]

Yeah I get you, if I do delete.. which I will eventually... will not being able to see me at all make her want to find something out about me?? either that or she wont care and move on.

[d0nnivain]

Yeah I get you, if I do delete.. which I will eventually... will not being able to see me at all make her want to find something out about me?? either that or she wont care and move on.

 

It will not lure her back. It's an out of sight out of mind thing. She'll breathe a sigh of relief that you finally got the message & went away & stopped bothering her.

 

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder in these situations.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah I get you, if I do delete.. which I will eventually... will not being able to see me at all make her want to find something out about me?? either that or she wont care and move on.

 

Yes, one of those two things would happen. Probably the latter, sad to say. Sorry, Mr. Lee .

[preraph]

Yeah i mean she loved the 2 dates we went on, said she felt young and it was just how she wanted it... but as soon as I brought the ex thing up thats when it got bad... if i didnt bring it up she would have come to my house and we would have gone on our 3rd date.

 

Guess I will just stay in the NC, remove her and just see what comes of it.. I know I have to try get through this, its easy for people to just say move on forget about her..

 

You've only been on 3 dates? All this over someone you barely know?

[mrlee123]

Noooooo

 

 

Weve been together over a year, since all this stuff happened she wanted to go slow and since that weve been on 2 dates which were really great. Theres just stuff happened since then and weve come to this..

 

 

I appreicate everyones input, im trying to cope with this but when people say its done, move on, youre acting desperate.. that doesnt help me at all... ive joined this to somehow cope and gain peoples insight into things... I really want to delete her but right now I just cant find it in me to do so...

 

Like I said im going to see if she contacts me this week with anything, if she doesnt then I know I will.

[preraph]

You've said she's fresh off a breakup with her ex but that you've been dating a year. It doesn't compute.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Wait a few weeks before blocking if you feel you should. It may actually be better for your strength of resolve, several months from now when you look back at this period of time and reflect. By then, feeling like you left or gave up too early could lead to regret which can keep you stuck in the past being how powerful of an emotion it is. So, it's okay to make sure for yourself, that you've done everything you could do.

 

Having said that, respect yourself. Don't stick around in limbo for too long. Make sure you give yourself an expiry date for when you cut ties. Perhaps 1 month is good. This way, for your heart and peace of mind, you know you gave her the benefit of the doubt but ultimately had to do what was best for you. You'll be able to live with that.

 

If she gets annoyed at you for doing what you have to do for your own well-being, then she is being unreasonable, because she is the one that broke it of with you. If she didn't want to lose what you brought to her life, she shouldn't have ended it. Do not allow her to squeeze boyfriend-level treatment out of you, when she has willingly made herself an ex-girlfriend. She wanted out and she got exactly what she wanted. We teach people how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. If you allow her to do this, you devalue yourself in her eyes. She'll then learn she doesn't have to be with you to have you and that she can get everything she needs without having to commit. As a result, she'll value you less and less, and will eventually find someone new.

 

She needs to understand, if she broke it off, she loses your presence...entirely. No more being around when she needs it, how she needs it etc. She needs to feel the gravity behind her decision.

 

Is it possible, your absence may help her figure her feelings out? Possibly. But from what I've learned from my own experiences and the experiences of others, I'd say unlikely. In any case, just remember that blocking her off of social media, boxing all reminders of her, deleting her number and pictures off of your phone..are for you, to help you clear your mind and help you heal. It should never be to manipulate her back into your life.

 

- Beach

 

Ps. You can personally message me in my LS inbox if you wish to talk.

Edited September 7, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

thank you, not sure if i can private message you as im not an established member??

 

Well this week its her birthday so Im gonna see what happens, the weekend after I booked something for us to do which she knows about. If I get nothing this whole week then I will delete her the day after her birthday, not block but remove myself from her instagram and snapchat and then remove her off mine. I feel if I removed her off instagram and she was still able to see mine then im still lingering there...

 

She may small talk me this week I dont know... if I dont speak to her I dont see why she would want to? last week I was pretty active on putting stories up and she watched them all... yes I know it means nothing as she may just be curious. If I was to delete her do you think I should tell her why? or just do it without saying anything...

[mrlee123]

You've said she's fresh off a breakup with her ex but that you've been dating a year. It doesn't compute.

 

No, you've misunderstood...

 

Shes been broken up from her eax for nearly 2 years.. but they have an ongoing thing where at the time she foolishly signed a document saying that she would pay these loan payments if he didnt keep up on them.. so now further down the line he stopped as he got into drugs and stuff so she has to keep chasing him so that no money comes out of her own pocket. Her family are all involved in this and I do believe her when she says she would never in a million years entertain getting back with him. And I do believe her when she says there is nobody else...

 

Me and her have been together a year, once all this stuff happened in the past month this is when she said she wanted to go slow and date like the beginning. Shes in a new job now which is her first as a special needs teacher, its a stressful one i get it. Ive just told her i will be understanding, she knows im great and attracted to me. Just right now she wants to focus on that and doesnt know how shel feel in future.

 

I've just got to somehow get through this and at this moment in time i dont see how... im constantly thinking about her, worrying if I will be alone all the time, and not like other girls like i liked her as we had so much in common and i loved her personality. Just hope it gets better.

[mrlee123]

like right now out of the blue, shes just messaged me asking how did today go? as she knew i was working in her area... what do i even say back to that!! i dont wanna come across as just being nasty or anything..

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

like right now out of the blue, shes just messaged me asking how did today go? as she knew i was working in her area... what do i even say back to that!! i dont wanna come across as just being nasty or anything..

 

I think you should just ignore it. Or just say "Good, thanks for asking."

[preraph]

That's her being "just friends."

 

Thanks for the explanation about her ex.

Nonetheless, she has broken up with you and you are now "just friends." This isn't a waiting period. She already hit the reset button once before and nearly broke up then, and now she has given it a second shot but it didn't work, so she's broken up with you. She is staying friends because she feels sorry for you and isn't mad at you. But she's also no longer romantically interested in you. She knows this isn't a relationship that is going to work for her and she's left it.

 

Now you've agreed to be just friends by continuing to contact after she broke up with you, but it's already making you mad when she complies.

[mrlee123]

Well I told her yesterday to contact me when shes less stressed and wants to go slow and date again properly, i said i respected her decision... we didnt date properly after those 2 dates we went on after she wanted to start again...

 

Reason being was because I found out she was following her ex and he had her on instagram, once i brought that up she went mad and this is why were at where we are now... she then explained shes unfollowed him and only had him on there to be civil, and show shes strong and that she wont let him get to her... few months ago she would never have unblocked him but never mind, it is what it is.. i do believe her when she says she would never allow herself or want to ever get back with him.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

I wouldn't respond. What if you do and you don't get a response until days later and it ends up being dry and emotionless. What if you don't get one at all. Neither case will make you feel good and will make you analyze. For the same reasons, I wouldn't even wish her on her birthday. What if you get a dry response for that? Will that make you feel good? No. Because at the end of it all, you want more. You wish to be with her and have a connection. You wish to have a future. She, on the other hand wants something You both want different things and ultimately, those wants will lead the both of you down different paths.

 

Being you two broke up, you're heartbroken. Being you are the one who got broken up with, you have hope that you can reconcile with her. She is leading this breakup at the pace she wants and you are at the mercy of it, having to constantly second guess your words and your actions with her. There is a massive social imbalance there as a result which is why the two of you can't be friends. Not right now or anytime in the near future atleast. So when we got through the bs, her messages are pointless, because it'll lead to nothing. All it does is play on your hope and vulnerabilities.

 

As I said, she willingly made herself an ex-girlfriend. She ended it. She should understand what that means. If she gets upset by your silence, that's on her. I can't think of any reasonable person who would side with her for being upset with the person she dumped because he decided to do what was best for him.

 

If she's got things to figure out, it's something she can only do without your presence.

[fromheart]

Your treading on eggshells, she gets angry and its over. She has all the cards in this deal.

 

That's because you accepted her terms, and gave her the power. And she will never, ever respect you for this.

 

I have been in tis situation many times. Now, I will just call it a day at the very hint of her wanting to break up. For the simple reason that there is nothing more that you can do at this point.

 

You want her attention, I can tell you how to do that. Just tell her to call you when she feels the same way and completely disappear. Look after yourself and meet other women. But the best you'll get with her is FWB. Go for a relationship it'll just get back to this same point eventually.

 

Takes a few years minimum, to know someone. Have you ever asked why she was with a useless drug addict? Like attracts like, she may not have been taking drugs but her choice of partner, reflects something about her. Major red flag really.

 

I'd really just call it a day here. The pain your feeling is more about you than her. Try and face up to it, learn about yourself and what your really want. Don't eggshell tread for anyone. Don't take the disrespect of break up, make up. She wants to talk break up, break up it is. Take back your control and self respect. Better to be single, than put up with nonsense.

[Beachead]

@mrlee123

 

Reason being was because I found out she was following her ex and he had her on instagram, once i brought that up she went mad and this is why were at where we are now... she then explained shes unfollowed him and only had him on there to be civil, and show shes strong and that she wont let him get to her... few months ago she would never have unblocked him but never mind, it is what it is.. i do believe her when she says she would never allow herself or want to ever get back with him.

 

She did this while with you. It's not a cheat or anything but it is a cause for concern. If the roles were reversed, I wonder how she'd feel about you suddenly following your own ex. Considering you mentioned this playing a role in your breakup, it's very likely her change in behaviour could be due to her ex. Your concern at the time was warranted and reasonable.

Edited September 7, 2019 by Beachead

[preraph]

You're wondering why she contacted you about something less than wanting to get back together since you told her only to contact you about that. But you have also agreed to be "just friends," so I'm sure she's muttering to herself right now how you don't know what you want and wish you'd just move on.

[mrlee123]

I have stayed silent to her small talk and not replied... I wont wish her a happy birthday or anything on Saturday if we dont talk.. I cant be dealing with this small talk..

 

But like I said if we dont talk all week then I will remove her after Saturday, I know what you're all telling me to do and say.. but theres just something inside me that cant quite delete her yet.

 

I guess the way im coping through this is going on forums like these and watching videos.. i already go to the gym, im in decent shape, got a brand new car, my own house... I've always treated her great, got on amazing with her family, weve had amazing times and passionate intimacy.. she said shes still attracted to me.. but obviously in her mind thats not enough. So i guess I will see how this week goes.. one day at a time.

 

I did read another post on here though.. where one guy said to mute an ex on social media, try your best to ignore her and just post yourself going out and doing fun things from time to time. He was saying if you delete them then it makes you look like youve lost the breakup and weak, but if you keep them and have fun and keep updating now and again when you have fun it makes you look mature and in control of your emotions. Interesting point..

Edited September 7, 2019 by mrlee123

[mrlee123]

in regards to her birthday next saturday... would you just give her a short happy birthday through text and thats it??

 

or just leave it if we stay quiet... it was my birthday a month ago and she got me a nice gift, obviously things were a better at that time though.

[Maddie82]

I did read another post on here though.. where one guy said to mute an ex on social media, try your best to ignore her and just post yourself going out and doing fun things from time to time. He was saying if you delete them then it makes you look like youve lost the breakup and weak, but if you keep them and have fun and keep updating now and again when you have fun it makes you look mature and in control of your emotions. Interesting point..

 

Actually it's the opposite. Regularly posting things like going out, fun things etc makes you look like you're just trying to make her jealous.

[Highndry]

like right now out of the blue, shes just messaged me asking how did today go? as she knew i was working in her area... what do i even say back to that!! i dont wanna come across as just being nasty or anything..

 

 

Apparently you didn't read what I posted before, or it didn't resonate, so I will copy and paste it. Read it 1,000 times if you need to. It's BASIC.

 

 

Contacting her is the single worst possible decision you could make. If she reaches out to you there is only one thing left to say:

 

"I'm sorry you feel the way you do. If you have a change of heart you know how to reach me."

 

And then you go completely dark.

[Marc878]

I did read another post on here though.. where one guy said to mute an ex on social media, try your best to ignore her and just post yourself going out and doing fun things from time to time. He was saying if you delete them then it makes you look like youve lost the breakup and weak, but if you keep them and have fun and keep updating now and again when you have fun it makes you look mature and in control of your emotions. Interesting point..

 

Sounds very high schoolish. I'm gonna make you jealous so you'll come back, thing.

 

If you have to manipulate it won't last long anyway. If someone don't want you then take the hint. You can't fix that.

 

Too many live on the hopium addiction which just keeps you bound in fantasyland. Why fool yourself like that?

[Beachead]

in regards to her birthday next saturday... would you just give her a short happy birthday through text and thats it??

 

or just leave it if we stay quiet... it was my birthday a month ago and she got me a nice gift, obviously things were a better at that time though.

 

You don't owe her a happy birthday man. You owe her nothing. You're only thinking you should because you're afraid to lose her and you carry hope that perhaps you to can reconcile and get back together down the road. So long as you're around, she won't consider you as a partner (Not anytime soon anyway) because she's already taken the best you had to give and decided "Meh..not for me."

 

She's already materialized your fears when she broke up with you. By doing this, she is coincidently choosing to be with someone new, whether she's met him already or not. She's choosing this everyday she is apart from you. She knows she could have stayed with you. She knows she can get back together with you. She didn't and she hasn't. There is nothing more for you to do here.

 

So if she gets upset that you're not wishing her a happy birthday or you're just not around anymore..who cares. She got what she asked for. A breakup. Both people go their separate ways. No more happy birthdays. No more talking on the phone. No more spending time together. No more being around during tough times. She's on her own. If she doesn't get that, she's a selfish person who only thinks about herself and this isn't someone you should want to be with.

 

Furthermore, consider that for over a year, you gave your best to her. If after all that time of receiving your best, she's wound up confused about how she felt, then that only means she wasn't feeling your best. She wasn't feeling who you were or what you brought to the table. You can't be anyone else but you. She did what was best for her...which is fine. But that you have no choice but to do what's best for you now..and she's going to have to understand that.

 

You are responsible for yourself. Do not pamper her feelings or make her exit easy for her at the expense of your well-being. You don't have to cut her off yet, but don't contact her.

 

- Beach

Edited September 7, 2019 by Beachead

[mrlee123]

so just by ghosting here thats better?? ill still have her on social media as i cant bring myself to remove her yet... ive muted her so i dont see anything so im trying my best now one step at a time to not look at her... i may sound weird but its hard and i am trying.

 

 

so if i totally ghost her on her birthday and not say happy birthday.. that in the long run will be better?

[Marc878]

You are projecting. You still have feelings for her so you think she must feel same way?

 

What's her actions telling you?

 

The only one that can keep you in this one sided state is you.

 

What's that gonna get you?