when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[Marc878]

If you chase and do the needy/clingy they just move even farther away.

 

Everyone has jobs, etc but the problem you have is you are making her a priority when you're nothing but an option to her. Why?

 

She's trying to dump you in a nice way. Take the hint and move on.

 

I wouldn't make a fool of myself over someone like this.

[mrlee123]

Ok...

 

so if she keeps on small talking me.. she doesnt reply often but if she sends something tomorrow is this ok to send??

 

'Hi, sorry but I dont want to small talk.. i respect your focus is on work and will always be on hand to help with anything for you and understand when youre busy. Contact me when you feel less stressed as work wont always be like this, message me if you want to go slow and date properly and then we can go from there. Im in the area next Friday if you want to meet but youll have to let me know so i can bring your birthday present.'

[jess060191]

Sounds like she is confused about her feelings towards you and using her job as an excuse. Though I am sure as a teacher she is most likely very busy and trying to find time to reflect on the relationship probably is not easy.

 

However- from what you wrote here, sounds like she is keeping you on the back burner until she figures out if she wants to stay with you or just be friends. Which is not fair to you.

 

I wouldn't text her anything and go into NC. I don't recommend waiting for someone to come around. If you do, please do not hold hope for long. If she doesn't come around then you know you need to move on, and personally in order for me to move on from someone, I have to block them off social media.

Edited September 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ok...

 

so if she keeps on small talking me.. she doesnt reply often but if she sends something tomorrow is this ok to send??

 

'Hi, sorry but I dont want to small talk.. i respect your focus is on work and will always be on hand to help with anything for you and understand when youre busy. Contact me when you feel less stressed as work wont always be like this, message me if you want to go slow and date properly and then we can go from there. Im in the area next Friday if you want to meet but youll have to let me know so i can bring your birthday present.'

 

 

I would leave out the "sorry but I don't want to small talk" part, but I think the rest of it is fine. And stick to it.

 

ETA: Actually, I'd leave the bit about the birthday gift out. Sounds like you're guilting her into meeting. Just have the gift with you in case she wants to meet up.

[mrlee123]

Yeah we went NC after last Sunday when she messed me around instigating she would want to meet up then when I asked she said im sorry i just want to be alone theres nothing to discuss... then we went 3 days no contact and she popped up and said about her work...

 

Weve not done more than 3 days of NC before without her popping one or two text messages... she lives with her parents and I live alone 40 to 50 min away. I dont want her to think im ignoring her if i go into NC, so I could maybe text her what i wrote above?? I think if i delete her it will annoy her and she will do the same as shes stubborn. If i send her deep messages explaining stuff she thinks im mentally trying to get to her which im not. She said shes still attracted, part of her misses me but a part of her wants to be alone. She does shut people out at times and I know shes so pasisonate about this job.

[preraph]

You are no longer her boyfriend. She is telling you she'll be friends instead of just abandon you, but she's never going to be your girlfriend anymore. She will eventually date someone else when she has time. She has broken up with you and she's not "messing you about." You just aren't listening and not accepting it's over. If you tell her anything, it should be, "I can't just be friends, so I guess it's goodbye. Have a nice life. I'm moving on."

[Marc878]

You are no longer her boyfriend. She is telling you she'll be friends instead of just abandon you, but she's never going to be your girlfriend anymore. She will eventually date someone else when she has time. She has broken up with you and she's not "messing you about." You just aren't listening and not accepting it's over. If you tell her anything, it should be, "I can't just be friends, so I guess it's goodbye. Have a nice life. I'm moving on."

 

If she isn't dating already.

 

Wake up to reality

[Highndry]

It's time to move on. She's done.

[stillafool]

Yeah we went NC after last Sunday when she messed me around instigating she would want to meet up then when I asked she said im sorry i just want to be alone theres nothing to discuss... then we went 3 days no contact and she popped up and said about her work...

 

 

She's not into you dude. Sorry a woman who wanted you as a bf would never do this. Let her go and heal.

[d0nnivain]

NC is not some temporary thing. NC is FOREVER. Stop think this nonsense of not talking, playing games & giving each other the silent treatment is anything other then a bunch of BS. You are right about one thing, not talking to her is a loud clear signal that you are done & no longer wish to bother about her.

 

NC is absolutely not a way to make somebody miss you or manipulate them into coming back to you. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. It's more like out of sight, out of mind; thank God they finally got the hint & stopped bothering me.

 

NC is a healing tool. When the relationship is well & truly over, you go NC to help you move on from the relationship. It's a forward looking behavior.

 

NC does require that you disconnect on all plains. If you are still connected on social media, then you are not NC. You are kind of stalking each other in an unhealthy way that prevents you from moving on or healing.

 

If a couple is together, both people work together to foster the relationship.

 

She doesn't want that. She doesn't want you. She wants to focus on her job & is not interested in prioritizing your relationship. Take the hint already.

 

If you are broken up, her birthday doesn't matter. She has removed herself from being part of your life so you need to stay out of her life.

 

When dealing with deep emotional issues, the ONLY way to do that is face to face. You cannot fix what's wrong or even discuss in via text. Put down your phone & shut off your computer. Interact in person about important stuff like this or don't bother. Texting will make everything worse.

[mrlee123]

she did say she wants me in her life and will talk to me.. she just doesnt understand what has made her think like this.. hence why i thought NC would give her the time to think and understand, especially if i send that text.

 

She wont meet in person as shes unsure, not yet anyway.

[stillafool]

she did say she wants me in her life and will talk to me..

 

She said that to appease you. Her actions are speaking louder than her words. She doesn't want you.

[d0nnivain]

she did say she wants me in her life and will talk to me..

 

She's trying to let you down easy & soften the blow of the break up. It's a white lie lots of dumpers tell their dumpees because the dumpers hate being the source of pain to someone who used to be important to them. It's also a maddening language crutch many women have been socialized to adopt: girls are made of sugar & spice; they can't come right out & directly say what they feel / think if to do so will hurt the other person's feelings.

 

By let's be friends, she means I don't want drama if I bump into you.

 

By saying I want you in my life, at her stage in life the idea of never talking to you again ever is overwhelming. She can't perceive that so she says this empty phrase she doesn't really mean so her brain doesn't have to process the idea of infinite.

[Highndry]

she did say she wants me in her life and will talk to me.. she just doesnt understand what has made her think like this.. hence why i thought NC would give her the time to think and understand, especially if i send that text.

 

She wont meet in person as shes unsure, not yet anyway.

 

 

Contacting her is the single worst possible decision you could make. If she reaches out to you there is only one thing left to say:

 

"I'm sorry you feel the way you do. If you have a change of heart you know how to reach me."

 

And then you go completely dark.

[preraph]

she did say she wants me in her life and will talk to me.. she just doesnt understand what has made her think like this.. hence why i thought NC would give her the time to think and understand, especially if i send that text.

 

She wont meet in person as shes unsure, not yet anyway.

 

Time to understand? She already knows she doesn't want to be with you anymore. She isn't feeble. She has an operative brain. She just doesn't want to be blunt and tell you what it is that has completely turned her off you because that would be hurtful, but if you keep it up, you're going to corner her into it and wish you hadn't.

[Marc878]

Bud, she's trying to let you down easy. She doesn't care.

 

You obviously don't beg it. Until you do you'll stat where you are.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

I feel for you. I really do.

 

To start my post off, I will say this: If she was interested in you and it was mutual, there would be forward momentum. There is always forward momentum in a healthy relationship. Even if it doesn't seem like it. Somehow, someway, she makes it work. She looks for solutions and finds ways to solve problems. She doesn't have one foot out the door. She doesn't do things that risk losing you, because she values you and the relationship. She sees a future with you.

 

So when a person acts like this..it means she's no longer interested and the relationship is over..atleast right now it is.

 

Do not engage with her anymore. If you show her you're upset, you will only make her feel guilty, piss her off and/or make her go on the defensive, and drive her away. Basically anything you do that involves contacting her at this point will make her run. She doesn't want to think about you, your feelings, your pain, or the relationship. She wants to be as far away from it as possible because she probably feels guilty about how she feels and what she's done. She knows she's hurt you and she doesn't feel good about it so she avoids it. Everytime you contact her, you only remind her of those feelings which makes her feel worse. Then she runs or she gets irritated with you..which is a coping mechanism. Is this fair to you? No. It sucks.

You're not wrong for how you feel. Anyone would feel like you in your position. Like abandoned, discarded garbage.

 

She's using work to excuse the fact that she doesn't feel it with you anymore..probably in an attempt to let you down gently. I stress again, if she wanted to be with you, she'd make it happen. There wouldn't be hot and cold or on and off behaviour on her part. She wouldn't be "Confused." She wouldn't be making you confused. You wouldn't be feeling like this. All in all, none of this would occur.

 

Yes, I realize sometimes, what seems like the end might really be a rough patch that needs to happen in order to slingshot your relationship into the next level. Yes, it could very well be she might need some time apart to evaluate what it is she is feeling and with you out of the picture for a significant period of time, she'll find out how she really feels. But, you cannot put yourself in emotional limbo as a result of waiting for her. If you do, your state of mind will go to the dumps. With your well-being eroded, you won't be your best self for any aspect of your life including your family, friends, academics, career, hobbies etc. This will ultimately affect your life.

 

The way I see it is like this..if she "confused" about how she is feeling after all you two have been through together, then it's very likely, she doesn't see a future with you. Do not blame yourself. The reasons for someone to breakup and perhaps choose someone else has to do with other factors out of your control. Her upbringing, her past relationships, the people she surrounds herself with, her family, her current life situation and the way she sees herself. You cannot control these factors but yet they play a significant role in her decisions. Instead, you must accept what you can't control and let go of it, and begin focusing on what you can control..yourself. Your pain, your process of grieving and healing and returning back to a healthy state of mind, so that you can excel at your career, and treat the people who love you, well and meet new people who actually want to be in your life.

 

Do not accept friendship with her. Do not stick around. Go NC. Pull her off of social media so you don't have to see her updates and delete her number off of your phone along with all pictures and anything that reminds you of her on the phone. You can write her number on a piece of paper and stuff it someplace where you won't see it if it's too hard to delete it. Leave one communication medium available to her so that you'll know if she ever does contact you. Box and/or throw away gifts, possessions as well. You want to get rid of anything that reminds you of her and put it out of sight, out of mind. That will be crucial to your recovery.

 

Give her the silence she asks for. Do not pull your punches and allow her to ween herself off of you because ultimately by choosing not to be with you, she is telling you she is choosing to be with someone else..down the road. And when that relationship happens, you'll find yourself placeless in her life. I've been there, it's not fun.

 

Stay strong, and use this forum and the Coping Forum to help yourself recovery. Do NOT engage with her. If she wants to be with you again, she'll contact you. If not, then her silence tells you that the relationship was never going to make it and she was never going to be someone who made it to the future with you. That should be the only answer you should pay attention to.

 

- Beach

Edited September 6, 2019 by Beachead

[Mrin]

Contacting her is the single worst possible decision you could make. If she reaches out to you there is only one thing left to say:

 

"I'm sorry you feel the way you do. If you have a change of heart you know how to reach me."

 

And then you go completely dark.

 

This.

 

Ten characters

[Maggiemay1]

The only thing that happened 2 months ago is that she realised she no longer had romantic feelings towards you.

Starting a new job was simply a breath of fresh air to her. She has a new direction in life and isn’t including you in that.

 

She is also fresh out of a breakup so she may say silly things like she still wants you in her life but in time she won’t. Like when she starts dating others again.

 

Whether YOU decide to stay in contact or not, the outcome will be the same.

The only difference is that if you do stay in contact , you will delay your own grief while speeding up hers.

 

It’s over. Time to start accepting that.

[Maddie82]

Mrlee123, Imo I think you are rather mean when you talk about her. You insult her and constantly blame her for everything that's wrong between you. Do the girl a favour and leave her alone like many have suggested. She's not in the same place as you and she never will be, you need to accept that.

[mrlee123]

Hey Beach, is there any way I can contact you for a chat? that post was moving... thank you

[mrlee123]

Thank you for all of your answers, this breakup is quite raw and im hurting like mad but not showing to here the clingyness and hwo much im hurting... last week we went NC for 3 days until she popped up with a random text and yesterday is when we talked.

 

My mom texted me today to say 'shes in her first new job, give her time to find her feet and you two will come good together again' I showed her that text and she replied by saying 'hahaha shes so cute!' i then didnt reply to that.

 

So now im wondering how do I get through this, im taking it day by day. We have eachother on instagram and snapchat.. If I dont hear from her then I wont say anything and just let it be, its her birthday next saturday, the weekend after that i booked a surprise for her which she knows about, If i dont here anything at all I will delete her and I know I will at that point. I cant make myself delete her just yet and I feel if I do it will annoy her and push her away out of my life even further. Which is why after these couple weeks if she gives me NC then I know I can do it. I know all of you keep saying to block here, move on and she doesnt care anymore etc etc.. I understand what you're saying so please dont repeat that. I need advice on what to do here.

 

If she pops up with random small talk on whatsapp what do I do? just respond in the same way, or not reply for a long time? If we dont talk at all through the week then I wont wish her happy birthday and Ill stay quiet, if we do I will say happy brithday and thats it.. keeping her on social media but never looking at it will help i guess.. I know she will look at mine. The only worry with deleting was that it would annoy her and then give her the mindset of ok if thats how he feels fine, I'll forget.

[d0nnivain]

In your shoes I would delete her off all social media & not answer at all if she randomly messages you. Unless the message says: OMG I made a horrible mistake. I love you. I miss you & I want you back, she's jerking your chain. Stop letting her.

[mrlee123]

if i delete her without telling her it will annoy her and push her further wont it?? at the moment shes in the mentality of im busy, this is my focus and nothing else... if i was to do that she would find it as me trying to play games and would be annoyed even further.

[d0nnivain]

She's the one playing games but you know her, I don't

 

You are clutching at straws desperately struggling to rekindle a romance that is long over with a woman who treats you like dirt under her feet.

 

I told you what I would do -- delete her. You won't do that but it won't fix the relationship. She has already checked out but you refuse to see that. You will remain mired in misery until you face facts, accept its over & work to heal yourself.