when gf says shes too focused on her new job and just wants to be friends?

[mrlee123]

So me and my gf have had problems for a few weeks, everything was great, she told me she loved me and had no doubts. Then all of a sudden, told me she loved me but not sure if its as friends or not, didnt like the routine we got into and wanted to go back to how we dated in the start. She wanted to take it slow and date so I agreed, our 2nd date over a week ago, was great, we laughed, kissed and had fun. Throughout our relationship she has had to maintain contact with her ex as he needs to make loan payments and she has to keep chasing him, her family are involved and they all hate him due to the suffering and pain he has caused, hes also into drugs. She has always hated him and only had contact through text/call. But as i got home i noticed she unblocked him and then had him on instagram, i called her to ask why and it was like she didnt know what to say, she said she did it to be civil at first, that there was nothing in it, she then went angry and said we need to talk and doesnt see us working.. she then hung up. 2 days later she texted me to say sorry for hurting me, i just wanted things to be like the start, i gave it so many chances. I disagreed with this because shes always shut me out. We spoke on the phone and she then said shes unfollowed her ex, but kept him to see hers as she hates him and wants him to see how shes enjoying life as that will annoy him. (childish mind games)

 

Anyway, she then said she wants those butterfly feelings when seeing me, i said those dont last forever and she said she wants that fuzzy feeling when seeing me and will think about our relationship. I didnt hear from her for another 2 days then, she small talked me one night then i didnt hear for another day. She then texted me last Sunday as i was in the area with work (she lives like 45 min away with her parents and i live alone), small talked and then said 'I would ask to meet you but will it be awkward?' i then said no its fine come to the hotel and we can chill or we can go out. At first she went back and forth and then told me i guess i dont know what i want, then in a rash way quickly said i just want to be on my own im sorry. I asked to call to discuss and she said theres nothing more to discuss. So i then sent a deep text outlining how shes made me feel by messing me around so much, how in me shes losing someone who loves and cares, gets her to see and do new things, brings no trouble, helps her and who her family loves. I then said not to contact me unless she wants a proper conversation as im tired of being messed around. We still have eachother on social media, but im in her area this Friday with work. If i dont hear from her by that night i planned on removing her but keeping her number.. im not sure i can though.. Since last Sunday i havent heard anything. Shes also starting her first new job tomorrow which i know shes worried about but ive told her ill help with that. I just dont get why she instigated meeting me, then saying she doesnt know what she wants to then quickly going to i want to be on my own. If she didnt want anything to do with me why text me to begin with?? Weve done so much together in over a year and ive treated her a million times better than her ex. She told me shes attracted to me, and told me before she does miss me but a part of her is fine on her own as well.

 

Weve not had more than 2 days no contact before, this is the longest period right now which is coming up to the second day. Do you think me removing her (if i can) will make her think and regret what shes done? and then keep up the no contact?? i dont think shes realising what shes doing as shes been making rash decisions. When i was in her parents house over a week ago her mom told me that her moods were up and down due to being off on school holidays for so long, as she constantly needs to be kept busy and that work would be good. I feel like now she will just focus on work and continue like nothings happened which hurts so much. Its her birthday in a week as well so she will just be with friends. I wont contact her, but i dont know if i can remove her and stop looking at her social media.. i know she looks at mine.. shes never really felt like shes lost me and she has all the power right now. But the text i sent last Sunday put all the cards down for her, she has no basis now to reply unless its a proper conversation about us. But Id be majorly surprised if she did...

[preraph]

No. It's to make you think and realize it's over and move on.

[schlumpy]

You have answered many of your questions you just need some validation.

 

As long as the EX is still in the room it will never work. I don't care what she says about him. She still has unfinished business with him and you are just going to end up being in the way.

 

Block her on everything. Anything she's given you get rid of.

 

If you take her back it better be with a heartfelt and action oriented apology. Even then she should be on probation.

 

Don't keep yourself in limbo waiting. It will send all the wrong signals. You were living by yourself also before you met and you can do it again until you meet someone else.

[basil67]

No Contact only makes her change her mind if she finds she misses you. However, if she finds a sense of relief at your absence, it will cement the end of the relationship.

[d0nnivain]

NC is not about manipulating the other person. If the other person want to break up, absence will not make the heart grow fonder. Rather it will be out of sight, out of mind.

 

NC is a way for the dumpee to heal, to get over the person who broke up with them. You go NC to protect yourself, so you don't go debasing yourself chasing after someone who has already rejected you.

 

Her desire for the whole butterfly thing is immature. That kind of love / romance is a fictional romantic notion. It's unrealistic & unsustainable. For her to want that means she has no idea what real love or a mature relationship looks & feels like.

 

If you expect to repair this relationship & go forward you have to talk to each other in person. Not via social media, not text, an actual face to face discussion. Anything else guarantees this is over. Even if you do talk, you may not be able to sustain this because you aren't dealing with a fully formed adult here.

[mrlee123]

thank you for your replies, I understand the guy who said about the EX still there... but he has to be in order for them to get payments from him.. her sister and brother are involved with this and they also contact him for payments. Her parents hate him so much and she has a best friend relationship with her mom... they do everything together when they can and go out to places on weekends and talk about everything. Her mom loves me, but I know she will just support what she thinks and says.... I just feel based on Sunday night it clearly showed that shes confused and doesnt know what she wants/ or that her mind isnt right.. tomorrow she starts the new job, i dont know if this will clear her mind in the coming weeks and she will see the light.

 

In over a week its her bithday, so I dont know weather I should send her a card with some money in it as thats what she did for me like a month ago. Will that show her that im still thinking of her? up to now she wont meet in person or call... but my last text put all the cards down so she cant contact me unless its to talk about this... im going into my 3rd day of NC now and this will be the longest we've gone.. like i said she thinks im in the area Friday so I will have to see if she reaches out, but im not expecting it. The whole butterfly thing she eventually agreed with me that it dont last forever.. but she wants that fuzzy excitment feeling of seeing me. When we're together its great, but then apart its non existent.. whereas before we texted a lot and spoke on the phone. She hasnt had the worry of losing me forever as she probly thinks she holds all the cards.

[d0nnivain]

If you haven't heard from her, don't send any money. Money is a card is a horrible present anyway; it shows no thought whatsoever.

 

If you are unsure, you can try sending the card but understand it's a last ditch hail mary because at that point, she's pretty much dumped you. Even if she hasn't officially ended things, why would you want to reach out & be nice to somebody rude enough to ghost.

 

If she has responded again, get her an actual gift. Part of the wanting butterflies BS is she's looking for you to step up your game on the romance side. $$ would be more of the crass unromantic stuff she doesn't want. She's looking for sparkles & magic. To that extent, I suggest getting her perfume or some kind of goofy stuffed animal with a lovey dovey sentiment.

[preraph]

Good grief, NO, you don't send her anything for her birthday. You're broken up! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I am guessing she dumped you. Why would you reward that with a card or gift. Stop.

[mrlee123]

Yeah, she hasnt actually said we're done and its over... she didnt respond to me when I asked if she 1000% doesnt want me anymore... my thinking was that she starts work today, if she has the rest of this week and all next week to think with a clear mind... i could send her something but i dont know what to do.. weather it will make her think more by showing i still care.. or if i dont it will show her i dont care and give her more reason to forget and erase me. Her birthdays on the Saturday.

 

im finding it ridiculously hard to remove her from insta and snapchat.... its like shes playing some sort of game. If i put a story up, she will do one after... like on Monday she was not active at all on it, then yesterday once i put a story up 4 min later she does one and she always looks at mine.

[mrlee123]

she knows im thoughtful with stuff anyway, I always treated her great and spoilt her as she wasnt working yet... hell last Xmas i bought her a pillow for her bed which had like 10 things i love about her that is written on it.... she liked that sort of stuff... so its not like SHE CANT think of me as that gift is always on her bed.

 

Shes very stubborn though and to forget about things she always keeps busy and does stuff... like now shes working, hangs out with her family, goes to sports games every weekend with her mom. Her head is so confused she just doesnt realise what shes got in me and has been making rash decisions. Its just at a stage now where its too awkward for her to text me small talk due to the message i sent her on Sunday. So it has to be a message where she has a clear mind and talks properly about us. I just cant see it coming soon.

[schlumpy]

Do what you want. You are so lost in the emotional haze you will have to take your lumps before you wake up.

 

You got it right that she playing games with you but she's not in love with you and you might treat her very well but it won't get her to stay.

 

You have to concentrate on making her miss you and want you. What you plan to do will not that.

[mrlee123]

I hear you, so by updating my socials and showing that im ok will that make her miss me? As she always looks on it.. if she didnt care why look on it??

 

If i remove her will that send a strong message?

[Maddie82]

Yeah, she hasnt actually said we're done and its over... she didnt respond to me when I asked if she 1000% doesnt want me anymore... my thinking was that she starts work today, if she has the rest of this week and all next week to think with a clear mind... i could send her something but i dont know what to do.. weather it will make her think more by showing i still care.. or if i dont it will show her i dont care and give her more reason to forget and erase me. Her birthdays on the Saturday.

 

im finding it ridiculously hard to remove her from insta and snapchat.... its like shes playing some sort of game. If i put a story up, she will do one after... like on Monday she was not active at all on it, then yesterday once i put a story up 4 min later she does one and she always looks at mine.

 

She has told you it's over. She told you straight that she just wants to be on her own, that's the gentle way of saying its over. She hasn't been in touch since, so yeah its over. Looking at each others social media doesn't mean anything either and updating wont make her miss you. Don't send her any messages or birthday cards or gifts, it'll just come across and needy and desperate. I'd let it go and move on.

Edited September 4, 2019 by Maddie82

[basil67]

10 characters

Edited September 4, 2019 by basil67

[mrlee123]

Yeah, i just didnt get why she mentioned meeting, then said she doesnt know what she wants and then in a split second said she wants to be alone.

 

The text i then sent outlined for her not to contact me unless she wants a proper conversation. I also asked in it if she is definitely sure about not wanting me and she just didnt reply to it. So obviously her thinking is not right... i wont send her anything for her birthday, i will be strong. She does overthink stuff a lot and in the past has had anxiety issues and she does shut people put sometimes which she knows. Like i said, we havent had that proper time apart no contact. I think ill have to remove somehow.

[Maddie82]

I can see you're finding it difficult to accept it being over, but from a female point of view here, if she hasn't contacted you for a 'proper conversation about your relationship' by now then she never will. Yes, i think it's best if you delete her number and block her on all social media. If you can't see what she's doing online then it'll make it easier for you to move on.

[elaine567]

It is difficult for most people to reject someone to their face, hence why many will come up with the "I don't know what I want", "I am confused" to soften the blow.

Your gf did that then thought I came here to end it, so then blurted out "I just want to be on my own...", which was the real reason for the meet.

As she has now disappeared out of your life then there is no "confusion".

It's over.

[schlumpy]

Mr. Lee:

 

Please go to the Chump Lady's web site and look up the 180. The program is not designed to get your GF back but to help you detach from your feelings so you can see clearly.

 

The only chance you have of getting your GF back is for you to show her that you don't need her and that actually your life will be better without her.

 

Once she sees you aren't home crying every night she may reconsider but don't count on it!

 

Make sure you block her on everything! And burn all the things she gave you.

 

If you see her, say as few words as possible and act impatient to get away.

 

No guarantees in life but good luck.

[d0nnivain]

I hear you, so by updating my socials and showing that im ok will that make her miss me? As she always looks on it.. if she didnt care why look on it??

 

If i remove her will that send a strong message?

 

 

It will send a message: that you are moving on. It will not have the effect you want; she won't come back. In fact she will be relieved that you are not pestering her.

[mrlee123]

I can see your views on this... but shes always been the type of person where if she wanted to say something then she would say it straight instead of going around in circles.

 

Her mom said she hasnt been right lately and we havent gone more than 3 days no contact.. if she didnt want something then why not just continue to ghost me forever instead of small talking me then asking to maybe meet.. i genuinely dont think she knows what she wants.. but if i remove her and show that im doing ok it may make her think. I know i wont contact her now as i cant. To keep checking up on my socials she must have some interest. But i guess ive got to see how this weekend goes as she knows im in the area. If i dont get anything i will remove as hard as that will be.

[mrlee123]

I never do pester her... i wont text or anything until she does first. Ive not pestered her at all.

[schlumpy]

Ok Mr. Lee. I'm not here to badger you. You feel you know her so you have every right to try to fix this situation according to your perceptions.

 

While you are waiting - take a look through this forum for same or similar stories. Read a bit about what other people did in your situation and how it turned out for them. It would be a good use of your time.

 

Being in love is a hard thing.

[preraph]

If you seem willing to stay under any circumstances, you may well find yourself in a "friends only, no sex ever again" relationship. Women often have no problem being just friends with men they have lost that lovin feeling for. Men on the other hand, waste a load of time thinking it's only a matter of time. Nope. Then it explodes when she dates other guys and you feel like an idiot.

[mrlee123]

yeah I dont want to be acting as friends.. I know she doesnt hate me or anything and wont delete me... if i delete her she may do the same i just dont know.. i definetly dont want to see her with another guy if there was one in future.. and i keep checking her stuff which is making me feel worse but i cant help it! which is why i need to do it.. question is when??!

 

My thinking was now shes started her job today that she can have some time to clearly think and reflect because shes obviously confused and hasnt been thinking straight. She even said like 2 weeks ago when shes working we can do a lot more together as she wont be restricted with money. If i removed her, not block. I need to get her to want to miss me, which is why maybe doing that shows some extent on moving on.. shes playing some sort of game because ive noticed she only puts stories up after i do. Going into the 3rd day on NC now, Friday and Saturday im in a hotel near her with work and she knows I will be there. So I guess I'll see what comes of it... my guess is I wont hear anything as it will have only been a week.

 

In the past we've had a similar situation, we got together in July, then October we booked a holiday to Vegas. During the next few weeks she was confused weather to go as she thought we hadnt been together long enough and wasnt happy with certain things. At the beginning it was me not open with my feelings and not showing her as much love as she showed me... but lately past couple months its been the opposite. I'm finding it ridiculously hard to move on, i go to the gym, im in decent shape, my friends live an hour away and are tied down. Everything I've done for her I just cant believe she suddenly changed. I guess time will reveal all..

[basil67]

How long were the two of you together for?