Don’t want to lose her, but feel like I already have

[MountainGirl111]

I already read what you posted previously. It was good and probably what I needed to hear. If that is really the state she is in and she doesn't want me in her life, then maybe I am wasting my time. I already have a stressful life and don't need someone in it who wants to play with my emotions when all I've ever wanted is to benefit her life in a positive way. I feel like I deserve someone who cares about me the way I do about them and if she feels that way after several months of not seeing each other despite perhaps a dozen attempts on my end to do so, then maybe this isn't someone who is worth my effort. I've spent a lot of time in my training understanding psychological states, and I can't "fix" or help anyone who isn't willing to accept it on their end. I really don't think this person is dating or spending time anyone else though. It is maybe worth keeping her on the back burner in case something changes down the road?

 

You are free to keep anything on the back burner you desire. Just be aware that things on the back burner never make your stove clean. Maybe it's time to clear off the stove and clear the back burners. I think when we do this for ourselves we actually discover issues within us that we didn't even know we had.

[fromheart]

Chasing a woman who's not interested in you shows low self esteem. That's adding to her stress! Woman do not like this. They know they're being rude (Well, some do) and instead of you standing up to her, you're pursuing her. That shows you to be yet another nice guy, willing to be a doormat. I'm sorry to be direct.

 

How do you stand up to her? 'Hey, sorry you're feeling stressed, give me a call if you ever want to hang out and have some fun. Got to go, bye...'

Then you move on completely with NC.

 

Thing is, until she starts doing some self work she's not really relationship material. It's an absolute nightmare dealing with people like this, to be intimate with her would be to share her nightmare. Bad for you to get closer to her. A person has to be happy, to be happy with someone else.

[preraph]

It's possible that just her knowing her own limitations as she does, that having you trying so hard only makes her feel guilty for not being able to reciprocate or function further. So that could be the source of her stress, that it is pushing her envelope.

[fromheart]

the state she was in the last time I saw her (dark room, in bed, almost catatonically depressed, talking about not wanting to live anymore, etc).

 

So that's a proper depressed state she's in. For you, trying to have romance with someone who's in this state is not good for you, and not good for her.

 

I would get in touch with any family member or long term friends of hers, and inform them of the situation.

[Orthopod]

So that's a proper depressed state she's in. For you, trying to have romance with someone who's in this state is not good for you, and not good for her.

 

I would get in touch with any family member or long term friends of hers, and inform them of the situation.

 

I thought of doing this via an anonymous message at the time. I ended up not however since it seemed like it would have been a huge breach of trust, as well as a violation of her privacy. But considering how close she was to hurting herself, it was a really hard decision to make. Honestly one of the most challenging ethical scenarios I’ve ever been in. I honestly didn’t sleep that night at all, and if she had tried to harm herself that evening, I would have inevitably blamed myself for leaving her alone. I suppose this being my last memory of her in person doesn’t make it any easier for me to move on from having her in my life.

[Orthopod]

Do you really believe the above description of her was seeing her in a positive light?

 

It’s a realistic perception of who she is. Not positive or negative.

 

How she got to be this person you described is irrelevant to you.

She is choosing to remain a victim , nothing you can do about it.

 

If surgery was an option to save a patients life but the patient refuses to undergo surgery there is not a damn thing you can do about it , because while you might have the potential to save their life , it’s not your choice, it’s theirs.

 

I know. This becomes more and more apparent to me as time goes on. I definitely adopted a idealized version of her in my head that was totally out of touch with reality. I guess when you want something to work bad enough, you blatantly ignore obvious signals that indicate someone isn’t ready to embrace a new person in their life. This seems to be what happened to me. Doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, but seems to be a common trap people fall into based on my research.