amaysngrace Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 My oldest son was pretty tight fisted. He went away to college with a plan to just fool around because two drinks cost more than one. He met this girl and didn’t really go out of his way for her. One night in a place she was dancing and some other dude came up and started dancing with her. He told me about it and I told him he must care about this one since it’s bothering him. I told him he should ask her on a date, buy her dinner and have a conversation about defining their relationship. She’s now my daughter-in-law It can’t be all one way but I agree this guy babybrowns is with may have a reason why he’s being so cheap but could be a decent guy otherwise. 4
Author babybrowns Posted September 5, 2019 Author Posted September 5, 2019 (edited) Thank you so much everyone for your replies so far and especially to Donnivain and amaysngrace for sharing your personal experiences, it does give me hope that perhaps there is more to this and potential for it to change. He might have a good reason for being cheap or he may not. But it hurts me enough to make me question his level of interest. Currently the most concerning thing for me is him confessing he is not completely over his ex and that he doesn't want to go to 'that deep level' with anyone just yet and just wants good times with me, whatever it may lead to. It is bothering me a lot because when I'm dating a guy I do want to get closer to him but there is this limit and this memory of this other woman for him. It is making me want to keep him at arm's length even though he tries to get closer to me and it is hard because I like him. I don't want to start liking him too much, become attached and then get hurt because he is still not over her. I have told him that after thinking about things I really need to slow things down, I want us to just be friends for now and nothing more. Edited September 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quotes removed 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 It is making me want to keep him at arm's length even though he tries to get closer to me and it is hard because I like him. I don't want to start liking him too much, become attached and then get hurt because he is still not over her. I have told him that after thinking about things I really need to slow things down, I want us to just be friends for now and nothing more. Natural biology at work. This is smart. The guy wants "fun" without having to invest anything, and he'll never get anywhere with a decent woman with that approach. 4
Allupinnit Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 Tread carefully here. When men say they are not over their ex and don't want anything serious, believe them. We women lie to ourselves so often when it comes to this, thinking if we hang around long enough he will fall in love and change his mind. This is almost never the case. Be honest with yourself about what you want. If you want a real relationship, this man is not it for you. 4
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 Currently the most concerning thing for me is him confessing he is not completely over his ex and that he doesn't want to go to 'that deep level' with anyone just yet and just wants good times with me, whatever it may lead to. This is a bigger problem then the money thing. If you enjoy his company, can pay for yourself & most importantly can keep your own emotional distance, you can continue seeing him. If you know yourself well enough to know that you are falling for him, you need to back waaaayyyyy off because he is not open to being invested in you. Perhaps, this explains the money thing & my perception of him as a stingy person -- he just doesn't have it (emotions) to give to you because he's still hung up on the EX. You may be a rebound / stop gap / interim / way for him to make himself feel better which is not good for you if you are looking for something more then just a casual good time. 1
preraph Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 Yeah, he wants "good times," but without the expense. He wants free no-strings "good times." This is just a guy wanting sex. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 This is just a guy wanting sex. To be fair, babybrowns said he's not pushing sex. I think he just wants free NSA companionship . . .somebody to sort do date like things with but with no obligations. If sex happened I think he'd be fine with that but I also think it's not his primary motivator. 1
preraph Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 To be fair, babybrowns said he's not pushing sex. I think he just wants free NSA companionship . . .somebody to sort do date like things with but with no obligations. If sex happened I think he'd be fine with that but I also think it's not his primary motivator. Isn't that what same-sex friends are for? 2
preraph Posted September 5, 2019 Posted September 5, 2019 Maybe he's just trying to make his ex jealous. 2
salparadise Posted September 6, 2019 Posted September 6, 2019 We aren't all saying money, money, money grab as much as you can from some unsuspecting guy. It's more about romance, being socially savvy, and generosity of spirit. I know I'm a high wage earner so even as a woman I often expected to have to pay but I still wanted to feel valued. Yes, I get that it's not a gold-digger scenario. All I'm saying is that if romance and socially savvy equals the man must always pay, then it's time to put that in the same dumpster with women's work and different pay scales. I think this guy is a good guy in other ways. The OP pointed out that he's attentive & remembers things. This one issue though & they way he went about it is just sooooo off-putting. I completely agree that the guy comes across as picayune in his insistence on paying separately (as opposed to taking turns). It seems like he's trying to make a point in a dramatic fashion. I think that's something we all agree on, and yes it's off-putting. My objection is with notions that a man is supposed to flow a stream of financial benefit to the female in deference to her kitty, or in this case just company, being inherently more valuable than anything he could offer. The only difference between that and outright prostitution is that the currency is exchanged with third parties on her behalf rather than being tossed on the bed. As for her not stepping up either some old fashioned stereotypes die hard. That's the understatement of the year! Before the OP gives this guy the old heave-ho, perhaps she should offer to treat the guy at least once to see what kind of a reaction that gets. If he doesn't open up about his views or fails to reciprocate, then we can move on from him because there is just something that isn't coming across as he values her. I do think that she needs to figure this out and determine whether he has some kind of weird obsession or trauma from being financially drained in the past, or whatever. Being the first to offer to pay for drinks or a meal would surely bring it to the surface and open it up for conversation. I'll recount this for the 40th time for some context... when my previous girlfriend and I had our first date at a relatively inexpensive restaurant, and the waiter left the check on the table... I laid my card on the little tray, and she did likewise. I said, "that's okay, I've got it." And she looked me directly in the eye and said, "I really prefer that we split 50/50." I just smiled and said, gotcha –– it was a clear signal, and at that moment we had an understanding. She was a whole person, and this was to be a fully reciprocal relationship. The next morning she initiated the first text between the two of us; "had a great time, hope to see you again soon." We split at a much nicer restaurant on the second date, then we started taking turn and not keeping score. It's just a different way of being in the world, a different way of relating. There were plenty of ways for us to show appreciation and express masculinity and femininity without making it about money. I'm done with the pay to play nonsense. I just wish I could screen them easier. 2
Veronica73 Posted September 6, 2019 Posted September 6, 2019 Yeah, I think it was smart to decide to just be friends right now. He’s emotionally unavailable. 1
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2019 Posted September 6, 2019 This would stop me in my tracks if a guy felt I had to earn it to have my dinner paid for, because that's what I see here. A guy that has been burned too many times, thinking why should he shell out for a date that may never come of anything. For me first impressions count. I like a guy that likes to and wants to treat me like I'm special. but that is me. I ain't damaged or a gold digger. I have taken men out on first dates, and paid for everything in my dating days. 2
preraph Posted September 6, 2019 Posted September 6, 2019 I used to say I like "spoil and be spoiled," but it was never in any expensive way, just little things. Certainly consideration is a bare necessity, and being told to pay on a first date with no forewarning or agreement beforehand, that would be a dealbreaker for me. 1
Veronica73 Posted September 7, 2019 Posted September 7, 2019 Honestly, some people have no class whatsoever.
Maggiemay1 Posted September 7, 2019 Posted September 7, 2019 I’m confused! Did he order his drink and pay for it. And then you ordered yours? Or did he order both and pay for his only? And why are you “so” hurt?? When he asked if you had remembered to pay for your beer, how did you respond? I would have said “no, I plan on doing a runner, hope you aren’t planning on coming back here!” And laughed!!! If it was the first date, yes awkward. But it was the 3rd. And you are still uncomfortable around him? Why?? Your dates sound so sterile so far!? Are either of you attracted to the other at all??
Shining One Posted September 7, 2019 Posted September 7, 2019 Pretty sure there are very few women who think that a guy paying for her beer on a date means that she is going to have sex with him. It’s not transactional for everybody.While I agree that few women think that she's going to have a sex with a man who buys her a drink, quite a few women make sex contingent upon being paid for. For these women, paying for a date does not turn a no into a yes, but not paying turns a yes or maybe into a no. I'd say that these women are making it transactional. As it relates to the OP, she has already said sex is off the table for the foreseeable future. Perhaps the man in question is approaching this as a "friends first" arrangement (even though it hasn't necessarily been defined as such) with both people holding back for now. While I generally avoid such arrangements myself, I certainly would not be "courting" a woman in this situation. I would be less brash about how payments are handled than he was though.
Tristian Posted September 7, 2019 Posted September 7, 2019 Hi everyone, just a note that I moved 33 posts to the The new, consolidated, Paying for Dates thread. Those wishing to continue that general discussion can pick it up there, we'll return this one back to the OP and her situation.
Sam2020 Posted September 7, 2019 Posted September 7, 2019 Having a man pay for me has nothing to do with sex. But I can tell you IF I am offering to pay the bill and/or pay my half it’s because I’m not that interested in him. Yes! This is absolutely true for me as well. As many have already stated, he doesn't have room for you in his heart. So if you're just looking to have another friend, fine. But don't expect anything better from this guy.
An0nymiss666 Posted September 8, 2019 Posted September 8, 2019 (edited) Long story short, it really doesn’t matter what kind of good qualities this guy has or if he’s nice to you otherwise. It doesn’t mean he is or is going to be serious boyfriend material, and it appears that’s what you’re looking for. I’ve had men text me every day, always appear to be sincere to me, remember everything I’ve ever said to them, buy me gifts, dinners, etc. But if something seems off, then it’s just off. It’s not exactly the “who pays” issue here, but how he goes about it. Then the whole part with him not being over his ex and whatnot...oh no no. That just sounds like a mess, I’m sorry. I briefly dated a guy who acted like a jerk when it came to money. He was an alright guy aside from that. We did make it to the point of being exclusive but it didn’t last long. I didn’t mind always “going Dutch” even from the first date, but it turned into some seriously heinous BS. The last straw was when he suggested we eat at a restaurant we both liked, and then when we sat down, told me we’d have to order one entree and split it because he’s broke and even then, he still didn’t want to pay. Not that kind of restaurant. I told him just order whatever he wants and I’d cover it (again). I got some crap for it but I cut things off after that. There was a bit more to it than money anyway. Edited September 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator formatting
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