4 great dates and he updated his tinder profile

[lana-banana]

Having sex so quickly is not nearly as important as the fact that YOU SAID you thought it would be just a bit of fun. That did way more to set the tone than even sex could have. Those are your words, on the record, saying that you aren't looking for something serious. And no, a man isn't updating his Tinder profile because he secretly wants to be with you. Come on.

 

I agree you need to be direct with him for your sanity's sake, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to go the way you want it to.

[spiderowl]

I think if you have changed what you want with this guy, you need to change what you are doing. I wonder what would happen if you backed off, turned down the next date by telling him you could easily get attached to him and knowing he is not looking for that, you'd rather stop things now. If he is not attached to you, he will just accept that and not bother you again. If he is becoming attached, he will discuss this with you.

 

I do not think, given the way this started as FWB, that anything but withdrawing the benefits is going to get this guy to look at what is happening afresh. By doing that, you are changing the rules. Of course it could be that he updated his profile because he was beginning to see the benefits of being in a relationship because he really likes you. That is something we cannot know. Maybe it is a message to you that he is looking for more, just in case you only want FWB for ever.

 

I think you do have a chance with this guy but you have got to become something other than a standard FWB, you've got become the one who behaved differently and did not continue in a relationship that ultimately would have been hurtful. It is like drawing a line in the sand - retrospectively, admittedly, but at least there is a line for him to ponder.

[salparadise]

I do not think, given the way this started as FWB, that anything but withdrawing the benefits is going to get this guy to look at what is happening afresh.

 

I think you do have a chance with this guy but you have got to become something other than a standard FWB, you've got become the one who behaved differently...

 

I agree in principle, but she said the guy is really good-looking, and other things that lead us to believe that he gets women easily. A guy like that has no motivation to hang around if she tries to change the rules and withhold benefits.

 

Women are used to being on the advantaged side of the supply/demand curve, and in that context can develop considerable leverage by withholding. But when faced with a situation where there is parity or perhaps even a reversal, it will require a lot more cunning than just cutting him off for awhile. She's going to have to be alluring in other ways, and perhaps a bit less available.

[dramallama]

Don't worry I don't believe he updated his profile 'for' me, but I do wonder if meeting me has made him have a bit of a think. He's certainly done that to me, ha.

 

 

She's going to have to be alluring in other ways, and perhaps a bit less available.

 

 

Yes! I told him I was free after today when we spoke Thurs and he asked to meet up (i.e. no Fri or Sat night this week). He's still got me waiting to set up a date but he's told me he wishes he had more time as he wants to spend a whole day with me - that certainly could be 'a day in bed' but that's not how he phrased it.

 

 

 

Anyway, he has told me things that make me think he's a bit sick of women only seeing his appearance / the surface, he shared something really hurtful someone said about his personality, told me he ended an engagement because she was more interested in what he could provide than him as a person etc. He's also said women try and lock him down really fast before they know each other and it freaks him out.

 

 

So my game plan....

 

 

 

a) I do my own thing and forget he exists until he pops up - this is the key!!

 

b) I make sure to focus more on really getting to know him, asking the big questions - I don't think he's used to that (and he keeps saying how much he enjoys our conversations, he'd drive 'all night' just to sit and chat with me etc)

c) if he wants to meet up near me, there's an event by his favourite fragrance house at a really nice restaurant, so I'll suggest that - it's a detail I've remembered, shows some interest without being over the top.

d) I'll tell him where my head's at - he's surprised me, I want to get to know him properly, and ultimately I'm looking for a relationship - where's his head at? At this point, if he too is ultimately looking for a relationship and I *could* be an option, then let's continue. If not, we've had a lovely time which was all I intended in the beginning. And I've learnt a harsh lesson about voicing my opinions too soon!!!

 

 

 

Meanwhile, I've got a date tomorrow with someone else who seems fun, and I get a couple of offers per week in real life whether I'm looking or not. Plenty of fish out there!

[Maggiemay1]

a) would be a great option but why are you not doing that and instead posting a thread about him?

 

b) aren’t you doing that already? But what do you mean by big questions? It’s only been 4 dates!?

 

c) what do you mean by IF HE wants to meet near you? Where have you been meeting and why wait to see where he would like to meet rather than have your own suggestions?

 

d) he might consider you one of those women that try to lock him down really fast and freak him out.

 

Since you are dating regularly , I’m wondering if your recent attraction to him is because of his updated tinder profile and a sense of rejection ??

[dramallama]

a) would be a great option but why are you not doing that and instead posting a thread about him?

 

 

b) aren’t you doing that already? But what do you mean by big questions? It’s only been 4 dates!?

 

c) what do you mean by IF HE wants to meet near you? Where have you been meeting and why wait to see where he would like to meet rather than have your own suggestions?

 

d) he might consider you one of those women that try to lock him down really fast and freak him out.

 

Since you are dating regularly , I’m wondering if your recent attraction to him is because of his updated tinder profile and a sense of rejection ??

 

 

 

 

The first is easier said than done, and maybe there is an element of my interest being heightened because he's not throwing himself at me. With regards the rest - I'm not going to go super heavy but it's questions like 'what drives you' rather than just 'what shows you do you like on Netflix' - so just more of the same really.

 

 

We live in different towns and so far he's come to my town every time, that's why I say if he wants to meet near me - I feel like I should go to him this time, but he's living with his mum while his house is being renovated so that's a factor for him.

 

 

 

How do you recommend I broach the change in my interest without seeming like I'm trying to lock him down?

[Maggiemay1]

 

How do you recommend I broach the change in my interest without seeming like I'm trying to lock him down?

 

I would not recommend broaching him at all.

Because he isn’t showing enough interest.

 

I would suspect that he is married “claiming” to be living with his mother and therefore needs to come to yours.

 

“Wishes” he had more time but doesn’t? Why not?? Single guy with a mother to cook and clean for him? If that was the case!

 

He “freaks” out at people that become too attached too soon , why? Because his wife might find out?

 

Enjoy your date tomorrow and enjoy the sex with this guy when he can fit you in mid week! Seems like weekends are a no no but maybe dependant on his wife’s shift work?

[dramallama]

I would not recommend broaching him at all.

Because he isn’t showing enough interest.

 

I would suspect that he is married “claiming” to be living with his mother and therefore needs to come to yours.

 

“Wishes” he had more time but doesn’t? Why not?? Single guy with a mother to cook and clean for him? If that was the case!

 

He “freaks” out at people that become too attached too soon , why? Because his wife might find out?

 

Enjoy your date tomorrow and enjoy the sex with this guy when he can fit you in mid week! Seems like weekends are a no no but maybe dependant on his wife’s shift work?

 

 

It's common in his faith for men to live with momma for a long time, but yes you can never take things at face value. I've seen him 3 weekends in a row so he's not keeping me as a mid-week option, it was me who couldn't do this weekend. But yes, i do hear you.

 

 

 

Tomorrow is a new day, a new guy, and let's see how things pan out.

[lana-banana]

I don't think this guy is necessarily married, but it does strike me as somewhat weird that he's going out of his way to meet you every time. And yes, I get a sense that he can tell you are extremely interested in him---it jumps off the screen here in every post you write, even (especially) the ones where you insist it's no big deal---so I assume he can tell, too.

 

No matter how this shakes out it's always a good idea to be honest about what it is you want. If you're looking for a serious relationship there's nothing wrong with saying so. I know younger women in general tend to think they can play Cool Girl and be the easy, breezy, impossible-to-catch chick that men fall over themselves trying to "win", but the Cool Girl is a creation of Hollywood. In reality, when a woman says she's not interested in a relationship, men say "OK, cool" and use her as a FWB.

 

I always told men up front that I wanted a serious relationship and to be married someday. That's probably why I'm married now and not still trying to lure men into wanting to be with me. Heck, a girl friend of mine would tell men on every first date that "If this works out, you have exactly four years to propose until I move on" and while she probably scared off a lot of great guys, she's now very happily married to a man who appreciates her sense of directness (and yes, she's that direct about everything!). Dating is about honesty. Always be true to yourself and let the right ones meet you at your level.

[salparadise]

He's still got me waiting to set up a date but he's told me he wishes he had more time as he wants to spend a whole day with me - that certainly could be 'a day in bed' but that's not how he phrased it.

 

Yea see, he's got you waiting. You need to subtly shift that dynamic the other way. He's given you clues as to what he dislikes about some women –– selfish and superficial, trying to lock him down early, and apparently preoccupied with money (I didn't realize he was wealthy too). I also suspect he's tired of women being too easy, even if he doesn't consciously realize it.

 

There's a fundamental rule in nature and marketing (behavioral science), that when something is harder to obtain it makes us desire it more. So you need to be unimpressed by the reasons other women have tried to lock him down early. You need to do the opposite –– present a challenge. Big questions are good; depth and complexity are intriguing.

 

I think your plan is on point overall. I'd just have a couple of comments... (d) I'd suggest holding off on this as it comes too close to the lock him down mentality, and because you don't want to give him a blueprint of your strategy. Let him begin to realize that he's the one who wants the relationship, while you carry yourself with the kind of class and semi-aloofness that triggers his want for more.

 

About spending the whole day together... don't go for a day in bed (yet). This is your equivalent to women wanting him for the wrong reasons. I do not think you should cut him off completely (you can't put the genie back in the bottle), but I do think you should shift away from that as the central theme. Shift the status to dating with purpose without announcing it (don't sex every time you see him). Increase depth, connection, intimacy. Try to leave him wanting more of everything, not just sex. Not being sexually available at the drop of a hat will frustrate him in a good way.

 

PS: I am not suspicious the way other posters are. This is a constant theme on LS, and usually unfounded.

 

 

a) I do my own thing and forget he exists until he pops up - this is the key!!

b) I make sure to focus more on really getting to know him, asking the big questions - I don't think he's used to that (and he keeps saying how much he enjoys our conversations, he'd drive 'all night' just to sit and chat with me etc)

c) if he wants to meet up near me, there's an event by his favourite fragrance house at a really nice restaurant, so I'll suggest that - it's a detail I've remembered, shows some interest without being over the top.

d) I'll tell him where my head's at - he's surprised me, I want to get to know him properly, and ultimately I'm looking for a relationship - where's his head at? At this point, if he too is ultimately looking for a relationship and I *could* be an option, then let's continue. If not, we've had a lovely time which was all I intended in the beginning. And I've learnt a harsh lesson about voicing my opinions too soon!!!

[Cora]

Yeah, I was in a 2 year fwb with a guy who was actively seeking “the one”. I just didn’t know that at the time. He ended things with me once he found her. They’ve been married for years now. I thought he liked me more than that since we actually went out on dates to the movies and such and spent time together just talking. Boy was I naive. Lol

[dramallama]

I also suspect he's tired of women being too easy, even if he doesn't consciously realize it.

 

I think your plan is on point overall. I'd just have a couple of comments... (d) I'd suggest holding off on this as it comes too close to the lock him down mentality, and because you don't want to give him a blueprint of your strategy. Let him begin to realize that he's the one who wants the relationship, while you carry yourself with the kind of class and semi-aloofness that triggers his want for more.

 

 

 

Thanks, that's useful.

 

 

 

To zone in on a few bits - yes he's showed me an inappropriate text one of his clients sent him. You might be on point with that one.

 

 

 

He's a successful businessman, but has not necessarily done his long term planning yet. I'm a little older, I've been extremely successful and still have room to go, am financially comfortable long term etc. I don't 'need' any of the things women often secretly or openly want in a man (money, status). My situation can make me wary of men - fixer uppers throw themselves at me, people get weirdly attached to a superficial idea of me, etc.

 

 

 

The fact I've got a date tomorrow is a very handy stalling tactic and distraction!

[mortensorchid]

There is FWB and then there is a bf/gf relationship. It seems you agreed to a FWB set up but he's looking for a relationship with someone other than you. Better accept that or not.

[crispytoast]

I don't think this guy is necessarily married, but it does strike me as somewhat weird that he's going out of his way to meet you every time.

To be fair, I can relate to the OP's love interest with women getting too attached too quick. I've experienced FWBs popping over to my place unannounced and much crazier stuff like parking down the street to watch my house and see if I'm really doing what I say I'm doing or who I am hanging out with... Once even woke up to a woman I was seeing who had picked the back door and climbed into my bed. Now I won't let a woman come to my house unless things are getting serious.

 

@OP I would ignore what people are saying about FWBs never evolving into more. While this might be true in some cases, it is on a case to case basis. To some people, 4 dates is enough to know if they want to date a person. For others, 4 dates is nothing. People move at different paces in relationships and a man who has things going for him is not going to be quick to jump into something. I would not bring up the relationship talk so soon were I you. Don't get too attached and keep being the awesome person that you are. If he has good taste, he will recognize your qualities and if not, then on to the next. Also, I think continuing to play the field while he does is a good route to take, and who knows you might find someone much better in the mean time... Or your trysts with Mr. Tinder might evolve into something real.

Edited August 18, 2019 by crispytoast

[Watercolors]

My situation can make me wary of men - fixer uppers throw themselves at me, people get weirdly attached to a superficial idea of me, etc.

 

The fact I've got a date tomorrow is a very handy stalling tactic and distraction!

 

Fixer uppers who throw themselves at you -- I hope you don't agree to fix these guys?

 

This guy you've posted about has you right where he wants you. He's manipulating you emotionally and for some reason you're allowing him to. Why do you think you're allowing it, esp. since you recognize when fixer uppers throw themselves at you?

[stillafool]

Men usually know as soon as they look at a woman whether she is relationship material or not. They don't try to set up a FWB relationship with that girl but ask her out and court her. Women don't have to scheme to raise his interest when he's really interested.

[crispytoast]

Men usually know as soon as they look at a woman whether she is relationship material or not. They don't try to set up a FWB relationship with that girl but ask her out and court her. Women don't have to scheme to raise his interest when he's really interested.

What?? No definitely not. Nobody can look at someone and know off the bat if they are relationship material. Everyone has some degree of hidden crazy. Any man who looks at a woman and decides she is relationship material is a fool.

[Flame Aura]

What?? No definitely not. Nobody can look at someone and know off the bat if they are relationship material. Everyone has some degree of hidden crazy. Any man who looks at a woman and decides she is relationship material is a fool.

Not sure if you are male or female but yes it is very much true. We can tell straight away whether a woman is potential relationship material or whether it's someone we just want to sleep with and nothing more.

[crispytoast]

If you read my post that is barely up the page you would know if I am male or female. And I stand by what I said. I can tell very easily if someone is not relationship material, but I would never put someone in the "I Would Date You" category just from looking at them.

[Watercolors]

If you read my post that is barely up the page you would know if I am male or female. And I stand by what I said. I can tell very easily if someone is not relationship material, but I would never put someone in the "I Would Date You" category just from looking at them.

 

Meh. I disagree. I saw a sweater in the shops yesterday that I loved, and bought it without trying it on. When I got home, I tried it on and....THE SLEEVES WERE TOO TIGHT NOOOO...so I had to return it and get my money back.

 

Never judge a book by its cover. Covers lie.

[spiderowl]

Only thing is, OP, I would not wait around for him if he has not made a firm date. Leaving you wondering is not good. I think you are doing the right thing by making other plans.

 

If he really is as good-looking and well-off as you say, then he is probably accustomed to women dropping in his lap and being prepared to wait for him. He also needs to learn that not every woman will do that. He might be expecting you to wait around and could be shocked if you don't. That's not a bad thing

[Lisa_Lisa]

One of my friends was just f*cking this one girl, and the times they spent together increased little by little. I even heard both of them mention it's just FWB. So you can believe how shocked I was when she moved in and they became official boyfriend/girlfriend going on a year now. So I do think it's a case by case basis.

 

 

P.S. I heard Chrissy Teigen hooked up with John Legend the first time they met and they're married now. How does that work with him being a celebrity and all? Linda McCartney hooked up with Mick Jagger, Warren Beatty, and hooked up with Paul while he was still engaged to Jane Asher....I don't know, but go forth with both eyes and options open....

[stillafool]

What?? No definitely not. Nobody can look at someone and know off the bat if they are relationship material. Everyone has some degree of hidden crazy. Any man who looks at a woman and decides she is relationship material is a fool.

 

Well I've known plenty of men including my husband and brothers who said the moment they saw their wives they knew she was the one. Call it crazy if you want to but it's working for us.

 

Of course there are exceptions to the rule. Some FWB do end up together but that is usually not the case.

Edited August 19, 2019 by stillafool

[Fekenaws]

As far as I'm concerned you're overreacting. You went on 4 dates, you're not dating. Big difference. Until we are exclusively boyfriend and girlfriend then there is no harm, no foul. My last GF and I went on dates for 6 months before we officially started dating. That's just how it works.