Need some input on abusive relationship

[Chloo]

I started seeing this man about 2 years ago now...he’s had a lot of issues in the past, like a lot although that doesn’t really justify his behaviour..

He was super emotional the first few weeks we met and then I guess he got scared about the emotional connection and just distanced himself, about 5-6 months of no kissing, cuddling, CONSTANTLY telling me he doesn’t care and never wanted a girl,

 

we’ve never had sex btw because his ex gave him herpes, things like grabbing the wrong juice or his car keys missing would cause huge problems for him he would yell at me go crazy, we had cops called a few times for noise complaints. Fast forward I ended up distancing myself, he made it so hard to talk to him and I know that’s a me problem but I normally don’t have issues expressing myself, I tried sleeping with someone else... it was more of a want to be loved and affection because he was so neglecting of it,

 

I’m constant pushing myself onto him. He found out, got mad, said he wanted to fix things and understood why I did it/where I was coming from. From there, things like putting the wrong lid on a pot or sleeping on the couch cause I fell off our bed and tried waking him so he could move over would get me kicked out of his house, even if it’s 3am “find your way home.”

We broke up for a bit and ran into each other and decided to try and make it work, one week in he breaks his dogs legs and makes me pay for it and threatens me if I don’t, I stay around to help the dog out cause god knows he won’t...he told me if I payed I can keep her so one day he kicked me out and I took her and brought her home, started to hang with my friends again and I happen to see his ex, it was nice to see her because I felt very alone in the situation and talking to someone who could relate helped a lot.

 

A week later he showed up to my house and took the dog and I went with him because she was still in recovery... I told him I saw his ex and I explained to him why, he slapped me, I went to the hospital that night because I broke my worst getting out of is car, and he texted me while I was at the hospital saying “I love you, I want to make this work but I need u to be real with me” but one hour ago he was spitting in my face, and dropped me off on the side of the road in the middle of no where. he’s always saying he’s trying to work on things, and I am to but it’s so confusing...

 

I try so hard and even when I do his things still go missing, I still get him angry, he always says how I say nothing about whats happened, but I’ve told him everything I could, nothing left out...I told him how him being unemotional makes me feel... because one and a half years later it’s still a hassle to get him to kiss me, and he just says well I told you how I am from the start you should no better...

 

this morning I was trying to fix his hand because he cut open his hand, and the gauze from last night stuck to his cut and he blamed me for it and spat in my face. Always tells me I’m useless, I have no character, that I’m stupid and could never do anything right. it’s so hard, he’s been through so much I understand why he is this way...but it’s heart breaking. I’ve gotten a broken hand , and wrist during this relationship in arguments, he always tells me how he wants to beat me up or kill me,

 

tried to make me pay for his time wasted or when were fighting he tries to make me give him money so I can just talk to him. I just need help. Advice, it feels really good to talk about it and see what others have to stay. I know I should’ve told him from the jump about how I felt, and I tried in different ways, I feel awful for sleeping with someone else even though we’ve moved past that, it’s so out of character for me I’ve never done an I loyal act like that in my life...

Edited August 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, please use them

[Beendaredonedat]

Honey, please get yourself away from him. Did the vet not want to know how the dog had broken legs? What did you tell the vet? Anyway...

 

You need to get yourself away from him before he breaks you in two and kills you.

 

Here is a link that will help you with resources you will need in order to get away from him and no longer allow him to hoover you back in for more of the same.

 

The man is mentally damaged and he will NEVER change so get away.

 

https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse

[Rayce]

Please be safe and visit the thread tacked at the top of this section of LS for resources. You should report the animal abuse to the police. I agree you need to remove yourself asap.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/51194-immediate-help-victims-domestic-abuse

[Chloo]

Honey, please get yourself away from him. Did the vet not want to know how the dog had broken legs? What did you tell the vet? Anyway...

 

You need to get yourself away from him before he breaks you in two and kills you.

 

Here is a link that will help you with resources you will need in order to get away from him and no longer allow him to hoover you back in for more of the same.

 

The man is mentally damaged and he will NEVER change so get away.

 

https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse

 

I was with his mom at the vet because he told me to figure my way there... his mom tried saving him but I just straight up told the vet what happened. The reason why they let quiet because 1. We had the surgery done at a complete different place and 2. I believe the women at the desk understood what I was going through. She made a DA file on the dog and I can pretty much go back anytime and try open the case

[Beendaredonedat]

Then why don't you get HER to report the abuse to the proper authorities? If you are too afraid to take yourself out of the situation then have the strength to get an innocent animal out of there and hopefully adopted by a family that will take care of her.

 

Your partner is a rabid dog himself so if you leave, you will have a better chance of leaving without a pet because many places will not take you in if you have a dog. The dog will be in dire straights there with him without you.

 

Its not surprising his mother tried to cover up for him... I suspect she has been enabling his sociopathy since childhood.

 

Have you contacted any of the phone numbers that are available to you through a simple google even of "escaping domestic abuse?"

[Chloo]

Then why don't you get HER to report the abuse to the proper authorities? If you are too afraid to take yourself out of the situation then have the strength to get an innocent animal out of there and hopefully adopted by a family that will take care of her.

 

Your partner is a rabid dog himself so if you leave, you will have a better chance of leaving without a pet because many places will not take you in if you have a dog. The dog will be in dire straights there with him without you.

 

Its not surprising his mother tried to cover up for him... I suspect she has been enabling his sociopathy since childhood.

 

Have you contacted any of the phone numbers that are available to you through a simple google even of "escaping domestic abuse?"

 

Exactly like you said, she’s been enabling it his whole life. She wouldn’t put herself in that position, she’s asked me to find a place to put the dog which I am working on. Luckily I have my mom I can stay with for now, and yeah I have contacted them and I called a support group on my area for people who deal with domestic abuse. He recently told me to leave him alone so I’ve taken the opportunity, I got all my clothes and belongings out of his house, now the dog is the next step. I have to file a restraining order before I get the dog taken away.

[Beendaredonedat]

He recently told me to leave him alone so I’ve taken the opportunity, I got all my clothes and belongings out of his house, now the dog is the next step. I have to file a restraining order before I get the dog taken away.

Fantastic news. Please keep yourself safe. So glad you have contacted a support group too.

 

Please keep us updated on how you are doing and how you are progressing in getting him out of your system/life.

[Rayce]

I am glad to read your at your moms. Please do be careful though. Trust the process of those trying to help you at the support group. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck to you. Peace...

[Big Aus]

Take the dog, if you can. If he tries to say you stole, say he agreed to give it to you and inform the police of the animal abuse.

Get a restraining order, and cut off ALL contact with him. Call the police if he attempts to breech the order in any way.

If you can't get the dog, report it to the authorities and ask the vet to back up your report. Then move on.

 

Whatever you do, keep this lunatic away from you and have nothing more to do with him, ever.

 

And please learn. Don't EVER give abusers a 2nd chance. NEVER.

An abuser may (or may not) love you in their own sick twisted way. That doesn't matter. There is something broken in their head, and you cannot help them. They will never change.

Get out at the first sign of abuse and never look back.

 

Understand that you are not to blame, not in any way.

 

There are two aspects to Abuse. One is the disproportionate response to a minor or even imagined aggravation. An abuser may never hit you, but screaming at you because of some minor or non-existent issue is still abuse.

Secondly there is the actual physical abuse, or extreme verbal or psychological abuse. This is NEVER acceptable or excusable.

Your abuser may exhibit either or both of these. Neither is ever acceptable.

Get out at the first sign, and never look back.

 

And let me be clear. You don't attract abusers. It's not anything you say or do. It is never your fault.

If you make a mistake it is by trying to be forgiving and compassionate, which unfortunately does not work.

Get out, leave them behind, don't look back.

[spiderowl]

Glad you got away from him. Can you restrain yourself from contacting him? The reason I ask is that you seem to view most of this relationship almost as if it is 'normal' - it isn't! You were trying to persuade him to love you physically when he has been a violent, dangerous, abusive, psychopath - why would you want someone like that to love you?

 

This is not as simple as you getting out of the shared home, though that is really important. It is also a question of seeking help to enable you to understand just how abnormal the relationship was. Some of the things you have said suggest to me that you might try to rekindle this relationship because you are desperate to have him love you and find you attractive. I think unless you get help, you will likely seek love and attention from him and might get it for a very short while, then you will get abuse. Deep down you know this is what you will get but I sense you feel compelled to try to get something from him and that getting out of the house will not stop you trying to do that.

 

I really, really hope I am wrong. I hope you can find someone who is not related to him in any way to stay with - in fact you may be better off in a women's shelter if there is such a thing near you. At least there you will get some help to understand how you stayed in this situation so long.

 

You are capable of changing your life but if you try to do it without the support of women's groups or domestic violence support organisations, you are likely to end up falling into the same traps.