Will ex be ready to commit, or is it really over forever?

[SophieG]

Django: Maybe I can ask you then, Can you pinpoint your fear in your recent relationship when she got closer? Were you afraid of it failing? Were you afraid of experiencing the same loss as you had? Because it seems like it cant be fear of loss, otherwise you would be motivated to stay together...its fear of something else. Losing your independence?

 

For my boyfriend, it’s the fact that everytime he moved in with an ex, she started acting differently and things went south fast. He’s afraid it will happen again. Also, his family keeps giving him the impression that he’s broken and doesn’t deserve to be happy and loved. So everytime he gets close to it, he’s afraid (thus the therapy he’s seeking).

[django]

Django: Maybe I can ask you then, Can you pinpoint your fear in your recent relationship when she got closer? Were you afraid of it failing? Were you afraid of experiencing the same loss as you had? Because it seems like it cant be fear of loss, otherwise you would be motivated to stay together...its fear of something else. Losing your independence?

 

It was all of those things, but mostly fear of being hurt badly by someone I loved deeply. I'd pull back and keep myself from doing certain things, or going too far on gifts.

[Silver_star]

About a week and a half after my ex and I met up while he was in town he texted me. Just asking about my life, and if i was getting excited about an upcoming trip. We small talked for an hour or so over text, and at the end he sent flirty messages based on some inside jokes we had. I was super confused because I thought when I saw him last that was going to be it. I know he is STILL not giving me what I want for a relationship, but I love him and don't want to close the door fully. What is he doing instigating flirtatious messages? Is he just bored? Just being friendly? Keeping me on a string just in case?

 

I was confused at his messages and what they meant because they seemed a bit flirty to me and that got my hopes up again....but I don't want to keep those hopes up because he doesn't live here.

 

This past weekend I went online to see about meeting new guys so I can just move on, but out of 265 "likes" on my profile I only matched "liked" 3, and after talking to those men I was not interested or attracted. I am in a weird place of wanting companionship and connection and NOT being ready to date. Don't know what to do.

[schlumpy]

Don't know what to do.

 

Get involved in a group activity and keep at it until you feel emotionally balanced once again.

[Silver_star]

My ex and I broke up 6 months ago. I initiated it because I was hurting from him moving away, and him not knowing about when we would be together again in the future and his uncertainty about our relationship growing.

Last time we had contact was one month ago via text because we wished each other Happy Birthdays. The texts are always very warm and positive.

 

I took a long vacation recently, did some soul searching, and it did put some things into perspective. I have a wonderful life. I know I am going to be just fine without him in it and I can be happy of course, but truth is if I could choose I would want him in my life again to share things with, if we could fix our problem. He was and still is one of the best people I've known. I feel that the relationship ended suddenly...the deal breaker was his lack of vision for a future with me. I understand he is coming from different circumstances that impact his choices (a divorce that hurt him in the past) and so while I do feel that he loves me, and cares for me even today. I think he is not reaching out because he has been hurt and he literally doesn't know how to fix this. He believes that he is damaged forever. He could tell me he wants me in his future, but I don't know if he believes anything lasts. I almost want to prove him wrong but I know I cant fix his issues.

 

I think he may have started dating, but like me I don't think he has moved on fully from our relationship. I just feel this way in my gut. He doesn't post anything to social media but he does watch every single story i post. He is a quiet type, and keeps his cards close to his chest. I almost feel that I need to make the first move and open up the conversation some how. Not to beg or anything...just to see if I could get him to admit how he feels about me and do something about it. Is this a bad idea? Is my gut wrong? I don't want to go into the next decade with regret, and if I just dont contact him again and walk away forever so that I have the "upper hand" I might wonder what if we both had feelings still and were just too proud to do anything to try to come back to each other. Anyone have any experience with this?

[schlumpy]

I'm so sorry that you can't let this go. Your feelings must be rooted deep.

 

You say he feels damaged from his divorce and that it is keeping him from making a commitment to you.

 

Did he offer to do anything about the damage he suffered? He could have told you the same thing but let you know that he was going to therapy to try to either get over or manage it. That would have let you know that he considered you worth the effort. You then could have rationally stayed in the relationship for a period of time until the outcome was clear one way or the other.

 

Instead it's "I'm damaged and can't commit. Take it or leave it."

 

Is that who you want to contact?

[Silver_star]

Yes my feelings really are rooted deep. I consider what you said last time and I do activities and stay busy, but my heart is stuck on him.

Again, I know I will be fine without him but I have so many loving feelings and memories with him that I don't want to full let go for fear that once I really do it will be over forever.

 

He didn't even say "im damaged I can't commit". He hinted that it was that, but never had the emotional capacity to open up that deep. He has problems with emotional intimacy. He said "I don't know if I can commit to you, or anyone" and he said to our mutual friend that he feels that his divorce was an injury to his heart that he doesn't fully recover from.

 

I can't hate him for feeling that way. I feel sorry for how he feels about Love.

Unfortunately yes that is who I want to contact because I still love him despite this.

[schlumpy]

You can be with him today but it will be on his terms. If you are willing to play a subservient role in the relationship without any real commitment from him then do it. I will say again it is not in your best interest but I can't control who you fall in love with and there is always hope.

[Mr. Lucky]

just to see if I could get him to admit how he feels about me

 

Silver_star, I've learned the hard way to judge people and their feelings based on actions, not words.

 

So while I understand it hasn't been the message you've wanted to hear, his deeds have spoken clearly. And honestly, he sounds like a good guy and a gentleman, having walked away knowing he can't give you what you want. Others might have hung in just to reap short-term benefits of the relationship.

 

I'd guess he'd have as hard a time as the rest of us understanding why you won't accept his conclusion?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Time to put down the hopium pipe.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I would honestly dismiss this guy. A guy who really loves you will not ever treat you the way your ex did. I have had guys tell me similar things just to get rid of me. They would commit, that is to another woman, just not me. If he cared for you, nothing would stop him from being with you.

[elaine567]

You need to stop projecting how you feel onto him.

How do you know how he feels?

You assume he is feeling the same way you do, but he patently doesn't.

 

Stop wasting your time on a guy who told you he doesn't want to commit to you.

He let you go rather than commit to you.

You are looking for a husband, he just wants to fool around in a "filler" relationship until he finds someone who he deems IS wife material.

 

This is often the problem with separated/divorced men, they enjoy the company of a woman, but are not ready for commitment again.

Your ego is doing you no favours.

It is telling you, "Of course, I can make him change his mind, I am a great person, of course he is in love with me...",

BUT a guy who keeps telling you he sees no future with you, but is willing to keep seeing you and sleeping with you, is a guy you need to stay well away from.

What usually happens is you will give away your fertile years to him as his gf, and one day he will go off and marry someone else...

[Silver_star]

Thank you for the advice, and even the blunt nature of some of the replies are very appreciated.

I dont feel like I have any common sense when it comes to him and I am trying to shake that, which is when I come to the forum.

 

I do feel you are right about the projecting piece. I think I did that for much of the relationship otherwise I wouldn't be in the position of heart break that I am in.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do feel you are right about the projecting piece. I think I did that for much of the relationship otherwise I wouldn't be in the position of heart break that I am in.

 

Silver_star, don't get down on yourself, that vulnerability and willingness to give of yourself makes you a good relationship partner.

 

Just not with him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[chillii]

Why , it's simple , it's just called closure. He cares about you and wants to know your ok , and to say hello and hear about where your at .

But nope, he isn't interested in more .

As far as your going , well you said first post you loved him, l know that's thrown around like confetti in forums 2 mths later they're with someone new but if you really did then yeah , of course it's going to take a lot lot long than 3 mths, a year , 2 , maybe even 3 or 5, who knows.

 

Commitment problems isn't usually about commitment, it's about things just not being quite right for commitment. l went through hell fighting off commitment to others before l was married but when we met l knew and l couldn't wait to commit.

So you really have no choice but to leave this one behind , because imo it just wasn't quite there for him tbh , it just wouldn't have been right for him and your last meeting proved it.

Edited October 27, 2019 by chillii

[chillii]

Can only guess about the still caring part btw, it might've been more curiosity just wanting to check you out again , who knows, but it's all the same. He saw you again and then he left, so he's got whatever it was he needed from it basically.

[Silver_star]

I believe that you have to be a pretty crappy person to willingly and knowingly put someone through that, knowing in your gut that its "not quite there" for you, but giving them enough time/attention and promises to keep them in your life. Super selfish. Just leave the relationship if its not quite there for you. I love how people like to say... "yea before my current partner I could never quite commit, and then i met her and everything was a no brainer, so it's definitely the girl, and how special she is, and nothing about my own personal growth and self reflection about relationships". Sure...if that is what you choose to believe.

I don't think there is ONE special person out there for everyone. If you are in a relationship with someone that is mutual you can choose to grow and make a commitment or not. If you dont want to grow together, that is fine be honest about that.. but dont waste years of someones time just so you are not alone...that is garbage morals.

[Silver_star]

I do understand now it is not worth pursuing anything with him by reaching out anymore. I won't encourage him reaching out to me either.

I understand that he made his choice and that despite my feelings about our relationship and hopes I had..I accept that his uncertainty about the relationship does mean that we were not on the same page, and it wasn't "quite it" for him.

 

I am deciding to delete him from all my social media to create some finality to the situation and so I have less ways to torture myself with questions about him. I have contacted a counsellor to help me deal with the different feelings that this situation has stirred up for me. Time will make the difference.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I know you are hurting. It really sucks to be sure. I feel your pain.

I can tell you that it is best to walk now from a relationship like this.

 

The attachment you have to him is also the result of his uncertainty towards you. It makes you insecure and fuels the attachment.

 

The last 5 years of my 15 year relo, I felt like I was at times begging him to love me. His love was not given freely. You don’t notice it at first but over time it causes damage to your ego/self worth.

And the funny thing is that I am the catch in our relationship. That much I am sure, and shows just how much it can mess you up.

 

Stay strong. It does get better. I am miles from where I was. I am so much happier. You will get there too.

[kendahke]

I felt like **** that he didnt chase after me like in the movies...

 

Real life isn't reel life. Believing in RomCom's is the biggest mistake because those are scripts written specifically for a certain outcome and life ain't that ordered.

 

Leave it alone. He already knows what you want and has yet to reach out to you to make it happen. He is also fine letting 30 days go by without talking to you, so that should tell you a lot about how he's already moved on.

 

If he reaches out to you to tell you what you want to hear without a prompt from you, cool--that means he's done it of his own volition and not because you're attempting to persuade/manipulate him when he's already told you he's not checking for you in that way.