Intense Connection

[Piper1988]

Met the man of my dreams in January. We immediately fell in love and after several months he told me he wanted to book a trip abroad to propose later this year. I've never been treated so well by any partner and we connected on all levels. We're both successful in our respective careers and have independent lives but each make time for one another.

 

Several weeks ago we had a fight when he went on a bachelor party and didn't call me. We got over it. Several days later I told him I wanted to make sure we weren't rushing the proposal timeline because I had been in this situation before and had been dumped out of the blue. He said I shouldn't be comparing him to my prior ex bf. The VERY NEXT DAY he sends a text out of the blue saying he wants space. I oblige and leave him alone. This goes on for two days and he comes over to talk and tells me that me getting mad at him for not calling on the bachelor party is giving him doubts and he needs more time. I oblige. After almost a week, I get my wits about me and realize he's giving me the silent treatment as a means to get me to panic and manipulate me into begging him to stay. I realize this is unhealthy and being given the silent treatment is not acceptable. So I show up unannounced and say his treatment is disrespectful and that I can't continue in the relationship. He is shocked and basically says nothing (trying to pretend he doesn't care).

 

My assessment of the situation: I told him i was insecure about proposal timeline, he saw a weakness that he could exploit, used it in an attempt to get me to panic and get me to submit and beg for him.... and it blew up in his face. I don't think he ever wanted to breakup and I didn't either. However, I can't be a self respecting person and accept that behavior.

 

I do love this man. I do want a relationship with him. But I know he has to be the one to come back to me and apologize since he created this mess in the first place.

 

Advice? Suggestions? Action items?

 

All appreciated.

[Camillus]

Hi,

 

 

My first reaction was that would be a plan that Machiavelli would be proud be of.

I can't say what he is or was thinking but if someone told me they needed time to think after we were far down the road, I think you are, I would assume I was being politely dumped, my guess is that is how he felt when you asked for time.

[SophieG]

I hate manipulation and games, so his behavior would be a dealbreaker for me (assuming that those were his intentions from the start). But my question to you is, why was there a fight because he didn’t call you during a bachelor party?

[Piper1988]

He agreed to call me once a day as I had called him everyday on a 10 European trip abroad. He said it was torture without me. He had been gone every weekend for the last three weekends. So I asked if he could just call me once a day as he had time (Was only expecting a 5 min convo). So when 36+ hours had went by, I sent a sassy text (nothing outrageous) saying I wanted him to call. He got irritated, didn't call, and we discussed and moved on. Honestly, this just doesn't seem like a big deal.

[SophieG]

He agreed to call me once a day as I had called him everyday on a 10 European trip abroad. He said it was torture without me. He had been gone every weekend for the last three weekends. So I asked if he could just call me once a day as he had time (Was only expecting a 5 min convo). So when 36+ hours had went by, I sent a sassy text (nothing outrageous) saying I wanted him to call. He got irritated, didn't call, and we discussed and moved on. Honestly, this just doesn't seem like a big deal.

 

I understand since you previously agreed to it, but bachelor parties are parties and people are often drunk of lose track of time. My boyfriend went on a bachelor party weekend, he didn’t text or call during those 2 days, and he would have been pissed if I sent him a sassy text. But I do agree that his reaction is extreme in this situation

[Piper1988]

Like the Machiavelli comparison - and agree.

 

I didn't ask for time or to delay proposal, just wanted to confirm we were on the same page. Important to note the proposal and timeline were his idea that i fully supported

[schlumpy]

So you are at an impasse. He saw an opportunity to force you to submit and beg for him to come back and you called him out it. Now each of you have retreated behind your fortress walls and set the guard.

 

I don't want to take his side but it bothered me that throughout your post you detailed his thought process and then when he had a chance to speak you said he said nothing.

 

Are you sure that was what he was thinking? Did he ever say what he was thinking or did you supply his words?

 

You guys need to call a truce. Offer an olive branch. Sign a piece treaty.

 

Meet him at a lake that has a pathway around it and take a long walk and have a long talk. I don't know how else to settle it unless you prefer pistols at dawn.

[Piper1988]

So you are at an impasse. ......

 

I agree. But afraid to show weakness as this seems like it's a power game. During the break up I said I loved him and wanted to talk and he just said nothing. I think that speaks volumes...

Edited August 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[vla1120]

He agreed to call me once a day as I had called him everyday on a 10 European trip abroad. He said it was torture without me. He had been gone every weekend for the last three weekends. So I asked if he could just call me once a day as he had time (Was only expecting a 5 min convo). So when 36+ hours had went by, I sent a sassy text (nothing outrageous) saying I wanted him to call. He got irritated, didn't call, and we discussed and moved on. Honestly, this just doesn't seem like a big deal.

 

This was something that got me in trouble with my very controlling husband. If he did not hear from me when he expected, he punished me with nasty texts and/or ignored me for days. I'm not saying you are controlling. It just struck a nerve with me that you didn't hear from him when you expected, and sent him a "sassy" text, especially since he was at a bachelor party. Again, when my husband suspected I could be having fun with my daughters, or a friend, he felt threatened and made sure he imposed on my time away from him, eventually usually ruining my evening. I would go home resentful of not being able to have the slightest bit of freedom.

 

You both need to lay it out on the table and SAY what you want (and it shouldn't be constant knowledge of the others' whereabouts.) I mean that in the most sincere way possible. In this day of constant technological communication, I think we lose a little bit of our freedom to just BE without the constant threat of offending our SO.

[Piper1988]

This was something that got me in trouble with my very controlling husband. If he did not hear from me when he expected, he punished me with nasty texts and/or ignored me for days. I'm not saying you are controlling. It just struck a nerve with me that you didn't hear from him when you expected, and sent him a "sassy" text, especially since he was at a bachelor party. Again, when my husband suspected I could be having fun with my daughters, or a friend, he felt threatened and made sure he imposed on my time away from him, eventually usually ruining my evening. I would go home resentful of not being able to have the slightest bit of freedom.

 

You both need to lay it out on the table and SAY what you want (and it shouldn't be constant knowledge of the others' whereabouts.) I mean that in the most sincere way possible. In this day of constant technological communication, I think we lose a little bit of our freedom to just BE without the constant threat of offending our SO.

 

I hear you - and agree. During our discussion regarding said event, I agreed that I shouldn't have expected a phone call on my timeline. I think that's a reasonable response and demonstrates that I heard what he was saying and would react differently moving forward.

[MetallicHue]

I don’t understand- all the people I know are pretty stand up guys who I don’t think would do this sort of thing. It almost just seems like terribly bad luck. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I think eventually you will find the right guy just some guys are flakes

[Piper1988]

I don’t understand- all the people I know are pretty stand up guys who I don’t think would do this sort of thing. It almost just seems like terribly bad luck. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I think eventually you will find the right guy just some guys are flakes

 

Thanks for the support.

 

Ultimately, I'm pretty sure he'll come around. Most I've discussed with feel the same. I realize wanting him to call may have come across as difficult... but so what? Everyone makes mistakes. You discuss and move on. His response is disproportional to the event. This leads me to believe this is a power play.

[vla1120]

Thanks for the support.

 

Ultimately, I'm pretty sure he'll come around. Most I've discussed with feel the same. I realize wanting him to call may have come across as difficult... but so what? Everyone makes mistakes. You discuss and move on. His response is disproportional to the event. This leads me to believe this is a power play.

 

I am a hopeless romantic, so I am hoping that he comes around and realizes a silly power play like this isn't his best approach. Like you said, everyone makes mistakes. It's the willingness and ability to admit them, accept them, and move on from them that can make or break a relationship. You've done your part. Hopefully, he'll step up.

[chillii]

l think you got the bull by the horns but now you've driven him a bit crazy and pushed him away.

The wkend wasn't even near over before you send him a text. He;d been partying , he might've just called you later that night yet.

As for his space , what makes you think he was playing games , you got on his nerves so he asked for space. It wasn't even a week , he might've well been still thinking about everything and genuinely pissed off.

Just sayin.

[healing light]

I have to disagree with the crowd here. I think it is on you to contact him if you want to reconcile because you actually ended the relationship. I tend to feel the dumper needs to be the one to reach out, not the dumpee. He can't be expected to be a mind reader here.

 

Did you tell him why you were ending things? That you thought he was playing games with you?

 

I don't know if he was truly needing space or being passive aggressive (one of my pet peeves), but pulling the plug on an entire relationship that is headed toward marriage over a few days of silence given that someone asked for space seems like an overreaction to me if the silent treatment wasn't a recurring pattern.

[chillii]

Yeah something like what l was thinking too.

[healing light]

Yeah, I mean, when someone asks for space (which I think was reasonable given your "sassy text" on a bachelor weekend with the boys and saying you want to delay the proposal), I expect that means there will be no communication or very minimal communication for a bit.

 

He already warned you before he went MIA, and then you assumed that meant he's punishing you and wanting you to grovel, so you broke up with him. If someone doesn't preface their need for space with a conversation and just goes totally silent, to me that's more of an actual silent treatment/cause for concern.

 

Asking for space and then going silent for days is just taking space, imo.

[ajequals]

I once heard a radio personality say.. men are simple creatures

 

give them sex

 

don't bitch at them

 

and feed them and they are happy

 

 

with that said you are reading things that probably don't exist..might have blown this one IMHO

[elaine567]

I know many people are great advocates of "space", but IMO its not a good sign when a person in a serious romantic relationship wants "space".

 

It is often the beginning of the end. It can also set up unhealthy relationship behaviours, the silent treatment, sulking, push and pull, all designed to manipulate the other into doing what they are told...

 

Even the not calling during the bachelor party was probably a power play at the very start. He induced fear in you. Why didn't he call? What was he doing? Fear you were losing him...

 

"space" leaves the other person in limbo, unsure where they are headed, fearful, insecure and knocked off balance.

Once over and "service is resumed" the relief felt is palpable, there is a euphoria experienced, a "high".

All is well until the next time he pulls the same stunt to punish you.

It is called intermittent reinforcement and is a powerful manipulation tool.

If you do return to him.

Be very careful.

[Foxhall]

You've been together since January (about the same time Ive been on this forum- though it seems longer!!) which is not really that long,

 

yet your going mad about him attending a bachelor party and then sending your thoughts on marriage proposals to him,

 

I think your mind is running away too when you suggest that he was playing you to come begging!!

 

I think the more simple reading of it is correct this time- he just wants space!!

 

take some time relax- I think you need to re-initiate contact actually too but take things at a slower pace,

 

you know each other since January? too early to be talking marriage yet.

Edited August 16, 2019 by Foxhall

[elaine567]

Met the man of my dreams in January. We immediately fell in love and

after several months he told me he wanted to book a trip abroad to propose later this year.

 

Another warning sign. Sounds like love bombing to me.

[Turning point]

I can't help but notice how mired in detail this is.

 

Other than the phone schedule, how's the rest of the relationship?

[ExpatInItaly]

You two need to slow down, first and foremost.

 

You're still getting to know each other and this is why you should not be planning a proposal any time soon. Rushing creates a false sense of intimacy and expectations that your very limited time together cannot support yet.

 

This is a time to learn about each other, without placing unrealistic expectations on the relationship. You are seeing a difference in communication style and conflict resolution skills. Observe and reconsider this too-quick timeline before deciding if you really want to put this back together.

[Tristian]

Folks, the OP hasn't logged in since starting the thread so we'll close this one up for now.

 

 

If the Op returns and would like to update they can request the thread reopened via the ALERT US button.