How to ask if he's single without being obvious?

[d0nnivain]

If I may ask, d0nnivain, how do find the assertiveness to be so direct? I find it off-putting as a quality in general, so I suppose the next step would be working past this feeling to apply it (and hopefully get asked out more!)

 

I didn't have to find the assertiveness. I'm pretty direct IRL. I've been accused of the bad words too: blunt, aggressive, pushy, etc.

 

Ironically, when I was dating back then, I was working on being more coy & less direct. It was maddening because subtle is not my strong suit. I was trying to sit on my hands more & let the guy come to me. I failed miserably at that. lol

 

Being straightforward has never led me astray. It avoids problems IMO.

 

You don't have to be as direct as I am but I am suggesting that you be a tad more direct then you have been. Try the vacation thing that preraph suggested.

[kendahke]

Isn't that insulting though?

 

well, do you want to know if they're single or not?

[beautifulearth83]

I'll usually assume a woman isn't interested until she starts asking me questions about myself or appears genuinely interested in who I am, or if she's being flirty. She could just be playing, but it gives me more to work with.

[Hopeful30]

well, do you want to know if they're single or not?

 

Single or not, wouldn't matter if I insult them lol

[d0nnivain]

It's all about breaking the ice. Sometimes a teasing insult can work. I landed my 1st college BF because he was wearing a t-shirt for his favorite baseball team. I was a fan of their biggest rival so I told him his team sucked. (Hey I was 17; smooth pick up lines had yet to be learned). Anyway he was so happy to meet a girl who had an opinion about baseball, we kept talking & eventually dated for a few months. (Again it was college -- months at that point was a meaningful LTR -- lol)

[kendahke]

Single or not, wouldn't matter if I insult them lol

 

Asking them if they're single isn't insulting. It's called "gathering information you need to determine whether or not to proceed with them".

 

After a certain age, playing coy isn't a cute look.

 

LOL

[alphamale]

After a certain age, playing coy isn't a cute look.

 

indeed kendahke, people need to move fast when they only have a coupla decades left to live

[CLS63AMG]

I'll come back to that...

 

You just don't worry about it. If they ask you out for a 1st date you just meetup with them. It is a 1st date, not a marriage, not an abduction, it is not a relationship. But while on that date, then you can ask them "How long have you been single?". Why now?,...because you are on a date with them after they asked you out, so they already implied by offering the date that they were single. So you asking them that is perfectly congruent and expected and should not be awkward in anyway. If they say they are married (or any other answer you don't like) then you just don't go out with them again. Problem solved!

 

Traditional is relative. In the 1940-1950's the women chased the men. Just watch any old Cary Grant movie or something similar from that period. Back then the guy was absorbed in his job or his "mission" and was only mildly interested in the woman at first. The woman is the one wondering if he is into her, hand-wringing over it, and she keeps finding ways to put herself into his "orbit". She may not "ask him out",...but somehow she keeps showing up every time he turns around. That IS chasing. Eventually the guy softens up, accepts her, and they live happily ever after.

 

That still works today and is the more biologically accurate way for it to work rather than the socially engineered BS that we hear today and see in all the stupid movies we have now. The guy begins the chase by offering a date. He repeats it a few more times for a 2nd and 3rd time or so. But after a few dates the woman starts to develop feelings for him and she begins to "chase back". Once she does this the guy should back off on chasing just a little bit while the woman increases. By the time they agree to exclusivity it should have leveled off to be more of a cooperative effort between the two. In fact chasing is not even the right word to use at that time because they just simply want to be together and both of them cooperatively find ways to accomplish that.

 

Now back to the first point that I said I'd come back to. Why don't they ask you out? Well for some it may be that they are involved with someone and the way they act toward you is just simply being friendly and respectful.

 

But the other reason could be that they are just insecure and "gutless" around women and are waiting around for the woman to practically ask them out. You do not want these guys. Stay away from them,...it is just a bunch of drama. They need to work on self improvement and get their act together FIRST,...then they can offer dates to women as they should be doing. They need to get their act together so that they can "share their completeness" with the woman,.... rather than have to woman "complete them" which is the BS that many of them believe.

 

 

A well versed student of CCW but you're wasting your time trying to teach it to others

[chillii]

Funny really , l dunno how many times over the years women have just said point blank, you married ?

Even hairdressers. But l've never taken it as them sussing me out ha, maybe l should've.

Well lf l'd been interested l might've l guess but l've usually just said yes or no or whatever the case,because l was married for a long time, you?

lt's never someone l'd really have been interested in anyway , but l usually just take it as of similar ages and stages in life and so a logical bit of convo really.

Actually l went out to quote a job just a few mths ago come to think of it. Quite a nice looking chick opened the door we chit chat a bit and within about a minute she says, you married.

Same thing l chuckled and said was, she said same, had 5 kids, yikes, ok where's the job we'll go check that out.

Anyway , they don't seem to pull any punches on that one.

PS, talking women late 30s and upward though type thing so.

Edited August 9, 2019 by chillii
PS

[basil67]

Why are you focusing on men who you know nothing about? I think it would make more sense to expand your social network. It's far easier to get to know someone when you're in a social situation.

[mortensorchid]

I am in the same boat as you with that. I have been the aggressor in the past but it's gotten me nothing but trouble and I have pretty much gone into the passive mode as you have. But in order to find out if a man is single? I don't know. I imagine if he's interested he would ask you out, but that doesn't mean anything either does it?

 

Maybe act like we're in junior high school again and get Friend A to ask for you without telling anyone? But you can't trust that to go on either.

[Maggiemay1]

OP, no offence meant but you consider yourself a minority (“a direct woman”) yet you come here asking for advice on how not to be direct?

 

And you consider the majority of men to be “insecure”?

 

Why is that?

 

You want a guy to spontaneously ask you out in a queue for coffee?

You’ve been single way too long and watching too many chick flicks ???

 

Real life is far removed from that!

 

You want a man who is kind and confident but more importantly TALL? Since you highlighted height in capital letters , I can only assume that’s the most important trait you look for?

 

All you can know about a stranger that asks you out on the street is his height!

But I’m guessing the tall, cocky men that might ask you out her a look in or at least your number , but a guy that actually could be all the traits you look for with the exception of height gets shot down? Am I right??

 

You need to re look at your standards if you want a relationship?

And stop looking for a fairy tale?

 

Best of luck in your search.

[Lotsgoingon]

You state clearly that you don't chase men ... You're misunderstanding dating and the process of mutual attraction and connection. (Side note: saying you don't chase men is like saying "I don't beg for big promotions." Sounds cute, but frankly is self-limiting for no purpose.)

 

Back to you ... you HAVE to signal at some point that you are interested in a man. You can't just be passive. Even a smile is a signal. Curiosity is a signal. You seemed to like the line "Did you and your family go on vacation?" Great line ... utter it and you're in the and the process of showing interest.

Showing interest does not mean chasing.

 

Let's say this guy answers no, he didn't go with family and somehow makes clear that he's single. What now? Why do you care if he's single if you don't "chase" men? In fact, you will probably turn on a really nice smile ... or you'll extend the conversation, turn up the wit ... or share a bit more about yourself. And this is what we do with still-emerging friends as well.

 

You get no response, you chill ... you aren't chasing. Just be careful that your language doesn't interfere with meeting people.

 

I'm not criticizing you ... I'm simply saying at key points before things are figured out a woman has to make her initial curiosity or beginning interest clear. (Interest may end with a date if there is no chemistry.)

[The Outlaw]

Just make conversation with them and ask in the most innocent way possible. And some just won't dare ask you, nor any woman out because in some cases they will assume a beautiful woman is taken, or they're just intimidated, or they feel that they're out of their league. And not to change the subject matter, but some just don't like rejection anymore than anyone else would.

[alphamale]

, or they feel that they're out of their league.

 

if you think she's out of your league she most likely is

[SumGuy]

"Do you and your family have plans for Memorial Day weekend?" "Did you and your family get to go on vacation this year?"

 

He should answer in some way that you know something. Like, "Yes, we took the kids to Disney World" or "Oh, I'm not married, but I think me and some friends are going to the lake."

 

 

I was going to suggest something like this. Especially plans for an upcoming weekend.

 

 

If he is feeling it he may well ask you your plans, then you can give a flirty or somewhat coy reply to reel him in/encourage him. like " I don't have any firm plans. I was thinking of doing x. What do you think?"

 

 

Where x is something you could do together. Be careful what you suggest. Trying a new bar or restaurant might be a good one. Even if it is not new to you, just make sure they don't call out your name when you walk in.

 

 

Want to get more forward, drop a bigger hint. Say "I was thinking of doing x, but don't generally like doing x alone and all my friends are busy."

 

 

I can say this has worked on me. It's also worked for me (with a modification of me asking her out when find out she has no plans). But heck I don't mind being asked directly. It really is (in my opinion) how we save face in case the other person says "no."

Edited August 12, 2019 by SumGuy

[Hopeful30]

Why are you focusing on men who you know nothing about? I think it would make more sense to expand your social network. It's far easier to get to know someone when you're in a social situation.

 

The reason I made this post is because I don't have the opportunity to dedicate enough time to expanding my social circle. At least not to the degree where I can meet plenty of men to have the options.

 

OP, no offence meant but you consider yourself a minority (“a direct woman”) yet you come here asking for advice on how not to be direct?

 

And you consider the majority of men to be “insecure”?

 

Why is that?

 

You want a guy to spontaneously ask you out in a queue for coffee?

You’ve been single way too long and watching too many chick flicks ???

 

Real life is far removed from that!

 

You want a man who is kind and confident but more importantly TALL? Since you highlighted height in capital letters , I can only assume that’s the most important trait you look for?

 

All you can know about a stranger that asks you out on the street is his height!

But I’m guessing the tall, cocky men that might ask you out her a look in or at least your number , but a guy that actually could be all the traits you look for with the exception of height gets shot down? Am I right??

 

You need to re look at your standards if you want a relationship?

And stop looking for a fairy tale?

 

Best of luck in your search.

 

Your entire post was a bunch of assumptions at least you got to blow off some steam and project your frustrations though

 

You state clearly that you don't chase men ... You're misunderstanding dating and the process of mutual attraction and connection. (Side note: saying you don't chase men is like saying "I don't beg for big promotions." Sounds cute, but frankly is self-limiting for no purpose.)

 

Back to you ... you HAVE to signal at some point that you are interested in a man. You can't just be passive. Even a smile is a signal. Curiosity is a signal. You seemed to like the line "Did you and your family go on vacation?" Great line ... utter it and you're in the and the process of showing interest.

Showing interest does not mean chasing.

 

Let's say this guy answers no, he didn't go with family and somehow makes clear that he's single. What now? Why do you care if he's single if you don't "chase" men? In fact, you will probably turn on a really nice smile ... or you'll extend the conversation, turn up the wit ... or share a bit more about yourself. And this is what we do with still-emerging friends as well.

 

 

Thank you for your post. You are stating the obvious, however. Like another poster, you are reiterating dating 101 points. Getting a man's attention is easy. Showing your interest is easy. Getting asked out? That's another story.

 

I was going to suggest something like this. Especially plans for an upcoming weekend.

 

 

If he is feeling it he may well ask you your plans, then you can give a flirty or somewhat coy reply to reel him in/encourage him. like " I don't have any firm plans. I was thinking of doing x. What do you think?"

 

 

Where x is something you could do together. Be careful what you suggest. Trying a new bar or restaurant might be a good one. Even if it is not new to you, just make sure they don't call out your name when you walk in.

 

 

Want to get more forward, drop a bigger hint. Say "I was thinking of doing x, but don't generally like doing x alone and all my friends are busy."

 

 

I can say this has worked on me. It's also worked for me (with a modification of me asking her out when find out she has no plans). But heck I don't mind being asked directly. It really is (in my opinion) how we save face in case the other person says "no."

 

This is the most helpful post!! Thank you!

[kendahke]

Getting a man's attention is easy. Showing your interest is easy. Getting asked out? That's another story.

 

I know that for me, if the guy is deadly dull/uninteresting, then I'm not asking him anything. He goes back into the 'used to didn't know you' pile.

 

Everyone does have a right to their preferences in a romantic partner...

[basil67]

If you don't have the time to attend social events, how will you find the time to maintain a relationship? Serious quesion. If you want something enough, you need to make time for it.

 

You say that showing interest is easy, but getting asked out is difficult. That's likely because you're relying on randoms who you haven't gotten to know at the previously mentioned social events. Most likley, they have a girlfriend or simply aren't interested. Other question is: just how do you show interest if you're not willing to make an advance? Perhaps you're too subtle.

 

Also, given that you don't know them, how do you choose which guys to show interest towards?

[mark clemson]

It seems like you are hoping to get asked out in the course of day to day life, e.g. at the grocery store or similar. On any given encounter/conversation, I think the chance of this is pretty low. A guy has to be in a pretty brash mood (in a good way) to end it by asking you your number, even if you've been flirty. Also your looks might actually work against you in this case - as noted men may assume your taken but just being friendly and some may be intimidated.

 

Why not just go to a bar or nightclub instead? If you're as attractive as you seem to imply it isn't likely to be a big time investment for you - you'll probably get snapped right up. You'll probably have to wade through a few players to get to a decent guy, but hey - few things in life that are worth having just fall into one's lap...

[mark clemson]

To put it another way, just because you are mentally primed to be asked out e.g. at the grocery store, doesn't mean the prospective guy is. He is hurrying through that so that he can go to the bar/nightclub and try to meet available women (or go home and watch sports, or whatever he may be up to).

 

 

 

It's certainly possible to happen, but it's not top of mind in that context. By hoping/expecting to be asked out in a marginal social context for it, you're making this difficult on yourself IMO.

[alphamale]

Why not just go to a bar or nightclub instead? ...

 

because a relationship that starts in a bar usually ends in a bar

[mark clemson]

Point taken and fair enough - wherever it is that people go to mingle/meet for more substantive bonding nowadays then. Not from what I understand, the grocery store or similar...