Wife and her ex-fiance

[S2B]

What do you do for work?

[usa1ah]

Beaver this is going to eat you alive, I think you are a lot like me in this. Deep down I know I could never stay with my wife if she had done what yours has. I would probably try and work it out for my kids but I could never stay.

 

You won’t find the answers you need in her phone.

 

Has your wife ever used the words with you that she did with her ex?

 

If not have you asked why she is able to say those things to him but never to you?

[S2B]

I think he doesn’t want to know the truth. That’s why he’s avoiding getting the info.

[Buffer]

Is there any more information?

[Turning point]

...the three kids under five scenario is well known to be hell on earth.[/Quote]

 

So is living in infidelity.

If the wife has 3 preschoolers to look after and manages to carry off the intense affair so many people insist MUST have occurred all thee years just beyond the husbands view then the wife should first and foremost get a gold medal for time management.

 

I don't accept at face value that the wife had any obligation to cut social connections to her past. The husband's insistence that she do that is for her alone to measure, and not a clear indication of infidelity.

 

The sudden lack of urgency and wife's participation seems to favor a different reality.

Edited August 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sparta]

If I read a message that my wife said to another man “you are my drug.!” I would be so far gone I would never let her sit her eyes on you again and I would DNA your kids. I definitely would not do you want to I would not want to raise his kids. After all the disrespect she’s done to you, trust me later on in your life you completely hate yourself. You don’t need that negativity in your life. but if you do the right thing we haven’t heard one guy ever that divorced his wife because of infidelity ever regretting it not one.!

[Beaver0273]

What do you do for work?

 

I plan maintenance for a factory. Unfortunately, a lot of slow, down time.

[S2B]

You look like a VERY compliant betrayed spouse. Not taking action looks very weak on your part.

 

Why don’t you make effort to get evidence? I’m curious to know what makes a person so compliant that they walked all over themselves by not doing more?

 

 

 

Are you afraid to know what’s real?

[Turning point]

Are you afraid to know what’s real?

 

The exact opposite, IMHO. He's the kind of man who's chosen to slow down and proceed with his own best interest, rather than be pushed by a crowd of thirsty onlookers.

[Beaver0273]

The exact opposite, IMHO. He's the kind of man who's chosen to slow down and proceed with his own best interest, rather than be pushed by a crowd of thirsty onlookers.

 

I am doing just that. Getting my **** straight so when I know what I need to do, I can do it.

[notbroken]

Rug sweeping will destroy your soul - and will result in eventual divorce anyway. Whatever happens, don't do that. If you do, you will be weak in both your and your wife's eyes. Find a way to get the truth (phone recovery, var, etc) and then decide what you want. Don't just let 'it slide'. This doesn't slide.

[DKT3]

I am doing just that. Getting my **** straight so when I know what I need to do, I can do it.

 

Dont buy into this ideal that the posters here are pushing you to action for some kind of entertaining value.

 

Truth is most of us have been where you are right now, most of us handled it in a very similar way. Inaction, waiting, hoping and none of it will change what happened, your wife cheated on you and has likely been doing so your entire marriage. Doing nothing wont make it go away, it will only eat you little by little.

 

Secondly, its unlikely your wife will respond to your indecisiveness which she will and has likely viewed as weakness.

[Turning point]

... your wife cheated on you and has likely been doing so your entire marriage....

 

Facts NOT in evidence.

I think the OP is wise to arrive at HIS OWN decisions, based on his own experience.

[Normm]

your wife cheated on you and has likely been doing so your entire marriage..

 

 

Where are you getting these crazy unsubstantiated ideas from?

[DKT3]

Have you last two posters actually read this thread? OP is a rebound guy with a wife who calls the guy she rebounded from a drug for her.

 

Its obvious to most everyone else posting on this thread.

[Normm]

Have you last two posters actually read this thread? OP is a rebound guy with a wife who calls the guy she rebounded from a drug for her.

 

Its obvious to most everyone else posting on this thread.

 

 

Oh, forgot about the backstory on this one. Nevermind, yes I agree the affair has probably been ongoing since day 1.

[S2B]

Facts NOT in evidence.

I think the OP is wise to arrive at HIS OWN decisions, based on his own experience.

 

How can he - when he won’t look at the evidence?

[Beaver0273]

How can he - when he won’t look at the evidence?

 

I have looked at the evidence I have. All i can confirm is an emotional affair. Not that that makes it any better.

[S2B]

She stayed connected to him for many years.

 

Have you dna tested your kids? Have you obtained all her communications with him?

[usa1ah]

Facts

 

She was supposed to get married to the OM.

 

She invited the OM over to their home many times. Always when Beaver wasn’t home. Very easy to put kids down for a nap when he was there.

 

She referred to the OM as her drug in text messages.

 

She said when he left Beavers home that she didn’t want to let him go.

 

They both said if only it worked out differently.

 

This went on for a long time. No single guy is going to hang around a married woman with out getting something in return.

 

It stopped as soon as the OM started dating someone else. If they were just friends, why did they stop seeing one another at this point?

[schlumpy]

Mr. Beaver:

 

I was at picnic jam Sunday - all acoustical of course. I got to do three songs: The Streets of London, There Ain't No Getting Over Me, and Whose Been Passing Dreams Around. Lifted from Ralph McTell, Ronny Milsap and Tom Paxton. Good food, sometimes good friends, good music and good times.

 

You are stuck. Sitting in limbo. May I make a suggestion.

 

This forum contains many threads that exactly pertain to or are very close to your situation. I suggest you take the time to seek them out and read them. You will discover what others have done and what the consequences have been. It won't be an exact fit but there will be enough similarity that you will be able to relate.

 

It's the closest you will come to doing a double blind study on any decisions you are considering with minimal risk to your marriage.

 

Please think about it and also consider this:

 

Next time you write song

Think of me, and I'll sing along.

[Turning point]

If they were just friends, why did they stop seeing one another at this point?

 

Because people are capable of self-assessment and self-correction.

 

A few other facts:

 

She chose to marry and start a family with the OP, is still married to the OP, and whatever contact with the ex provided her - it ended with no intervention by the OP. In other words - she STILL chose the OP.

 

Maybe there's some things they need to hash out, but there is also a lot to work with.

[Chaparral]

Many people keep their old phones. I know I run into one every once in a while at my house. Check to see if you can find any of her phones and see what’s on them.

 

Other things to think about.

 

How has your sex life? Have you gone through periods of increased or decreased frequency?

Has she changed her personal grooming habits?

Does she have sexy underwear you do not see her wearing?

Have you searched every nook and cranny, boxes , clothes etc. to see if she has hidden burner in phones, journals, cards, condoms, mementos, toys etc.?

[pepperbird]

OP,

Take a deep breath. I know it may feel like everything out of control right now, but you have more options open to you than you may realize.

 

First off, in your shoes, I would arm myself with as much knowledge as possible. Speak to a lawyer about your situation and consider his or her counsel. I would also visit a doctor for some STD testing.

 

Given what you say about your wife, I don't think she would give counseling an honest try, as I'm not getting the sense from what you say that she thinks she did anything wrong.

 

As for the DNA testing? Well, as someone who has had that done for other reasons, I'd avoid the "over the counter" style. If you really feel it's something you need to do, talk to your doctor. He or she can steer you in the right direction.

 

The whole goal is to gather as much information as your can so that you will be able to make informed choices about your life. You may never know the full extent of what happened/ didn't happen between your wife and this other guy, but at least you will have done your due diligence.

 

Make sure you eat well, get lots of rest, exercise and if you have a good (male) friend you can trust, it might not hurt to talk all this through with them.

 

One more thing to keep in mind is trust. Do you feel you can trust her? This is one of the reasons that full disclosure is so important. If a BS has a suspicion in his or her mind, it can fester. When someone doesn't know the full story, their mind fills in the blanks. Do you feel you can ever trust her ?

[pepperbird]

And it gets straight to the biggest, most egregious issue of all. Paternity fraud.

 

.

 

 

I hope their kids are his kids, both for his sake and theirs.

 

OP, if you do believe there is a chance your wife may have conceived with someone else, as painful it may be, please have them tested. Don't let them be like the people I've seen in adoption/NPE forums who find out as an adult that the man they thought was their dad isn't their genetic father. From what I've seen, it can make them feel very sad and bitter.

 

If they aren't your genetic kids, that won't make you any less their dad. Your dad is the person who is there for you when you need him. He's the person who wold do anything for you. Anyone can be a sperm donor.