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! I reached out after 7months no-contact and we are about to meet 2 days from now!!

aSadGirl

By aSadGirl
in Second Chances

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
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Reserve heartfelt letters for those who actually care about you.

 

He was happy to roll about with you in the park, but in public with his friends? No way.

 

Stop chasing him he is NOT interested.

DO NOT send any letter, leave him be.

 

Once guys reject you, have the self respect to go dark and walk away.

  • Like 3
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Good lord! All this over a guy you only dated for 2 months, 7+ months ago? This was not some torrid , star-crossed love affair. It's just a guy who dated you casually and isn't interested in the same kind of relationship you are. You can write him 100 letters and he's not going to change.

 

What may happen is that he realizes just how stuck you are on him and he may decide to play on that and use you for sex once in a while because you can't see the forest for the trees.

 

He was straight up honest with you about "where he's at" with you. Believe him.

  • Like 1
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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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Thanks guys, you all said I shouldt write him anything, at least nothing long... I was very emotional when i wrote that letter and its not how i exactly feel now. Ive gathered myself the last couple of days and reactivated my social media accounts... thinking, i might rather send something like this instead?

 

"Hey:) here we go again. Yes, but what happened to the "reverse method" you preached? (about trying despite being scared of feelings when it feels good)

 

I think this is a mistake anyway. Tell me if you doubt and change your mind even though I´m not certainly still am here...

 

I just want you to be happy anyway so do what you need, because I just want to be with someone who is sure he wants to be with me too."

 

Doesnt that sound better and ok to send? I could send it on instagram then delete it there even... its more comfortable than replying on messenger where it would be saved forever...

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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I wouldn’t send him anything. Even the revised message makes it pretty clear you’ll still be there as a fallback option if he changes his mind. That isn’t appealing to someone unless they just like thinking they’ve got an easy lay on the back burner.

  • Like 2
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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Don't send that. It's no better, it's awful, it is desperate...

The guy was mortified you showed up with his friends, he sent you a "I am not interested in you, leave me alone" response...

 

Listen to him. Leave him be.

If he changes his mind it will be because he wants to.

YOU can't make people love you/like you they either do or they don't.

 

Find someone else.

  • Like 4
brownygoldy Member

brownygoldy

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Seriously? To me it seems like he did like you! You connected on many important levels - interests, books, deep stuff. However you also didn’t connect on some crucial levels - dating approach. You want consistency and consistency breeds a future. He’s just not there. Maybe he will be with the right girl but that’s not for you to control!

 

I think he was willing to keep seeing you as he’s single and in the same place as before so what’s he losing? Nothing. He’s willing to have fun and take it easy but not willing to commit. What are you losing? A lot. This doesn’t work for you so get away!

 

You don’t mesh on this level which is such a crucial one - we let our similarities on other levels take over, ‘but we both liked this’, ‘but we both did this’, yes, but do you both want the same thing? No and that’s the most important and defining factor we should be taking notice of more.

 

I get why it’s hard, it’s hard to find someone that you get on with on and share similar interests with - but at least you know what you want and now you’ve got one more thing to add to that list - being on the same page about dating approach and commitment.

preraph Established Member

preraph

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My God, NO, don't send him anything! He has rejected you. You can't talk someone into wanting you. You can't argue someone into wanting you. You can't nag someone into wanting you.

 

Any contact is simply going to make you look desperate and like you'll take him under any circumstances. You will only get humiliated in the end and wish you hadn't groveled, and yes, that is what you are wanting to do.

 

You have basic incompatibility anyway! He's not willing to make any effort at all with you, none. He doesn't CARE. There are a million guys out there who will happily make out with you at the park if that's all you want. Surely you require more than that.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Thanks guys, you all said I shouldt write him anything, at least nothing long... I was very emotional when i wrote that letter and its not how i exactly feel now. Ive gathered myself the last couple of days and reactivated my social media accounts... thinking, i might rather send something like this instead?

 

"Hey:) here we go again. Yes, but what happened to the "reverse method" you preached? (about trying despite being scared of feelings when it feels good)

 

I think this is a mistake anyway. Tell me if you doubt and change your mind even though I´m not certainly still am here...

 

I just want you to be happy anyway so do what you need, because I just want to be with someone who is sure he wants to be with me too."

 

Doesnt that sound better and ok to send? I could send it on instagram then delete it there even... its more comfortable than replying on messenger where it would be saved forever...

 

 

No it's not better at all. Let this be. He's thinking he's done what he needed to do and tried to do it kindly and it's behind him now. Sending this liikely going to make him roll his eyes or worse, piss him off because you're being slow on the uptake.

  • Like 1
basil67 Established Member

basil67

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No, please don't send either of your long letters. If you must send something, the "thanks for being honest" comment your friend said is the best option.

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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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Seriously? To me it seems like he did like you! You connected on many important levels - interests, books, deep stuff. However you also didn’t connect on some crucial levels - dating approach. You want consistency and consistency breeds a future. He’s just not there. Maybe he will be with the right girl but that’s not for you to control!

I think he was willing to keep seeing you as he’s single and in the same place as before so what’s he losing? Nothing. He’s willing to have fun and take it easy but not willing to commit. What are you losing? A lot. This doesn’t work for you so get away!

 

You don’t mesh on this level which is such a crucial one - we let our similarities on other levels take over, ‘but we both liked this’, ‘but we both did this’, yes, but do you both want the same thing? No and that’s the most important and defining factor we should be taking notice of more.

 

I get why it’s hard, it’s hard to find someone that you get on with on and share similar interests with - but at least you know what you want and now you’ve got one more thing to add to that list - being on the same page about dating approach and commitment.

 

Thank you, you´re the only one here who said it seemed like he liked me at least.. yeah we connected on many things but you´re right that the relationship-status thing was totally off. He just seems to want to have fun, go to festivals, take drugs etc like some kind of Hippie.. I just want a stable guy who is ready to Seattle down with me.. sure we can travel but I want the man to focus more on me.. do things with and for me.. not just by himself…

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You are all so negative and sure about me not sending anything, it depresses me ☹

Cant I send something like:

“Ok thanks for being honest. I just wanted to hang out, no need for commitment right away, Im not so sure about you either… but being just friends isn’t gonna do it for me. I wish you luck and happiness. Let me know if you doubt your decision and change your mind but im not gonna be easy then” or something like that, no?

 

I saw he checked my new Instagram-stories but yeah.. he will probably never comment anything, especially if I took this “so hard” but i´m extremely hurt and Im tired to be the “bigger mature person”, like last time in December after 2 months of dating when he sent a similar letter and I sent him an: “ok I understand, im here if you want to talk” or something like that.

 

I know this was a mistake to contact him in the first place, but since he seemed so curious/open so I just “bet” and asked if we could meet which he wanted and even checked in the day before to see if out “coffee” were still up for next day.. he wanted a casual date though.. while I wished for a romantic one which it turne out to be in the forest somehow anyway (he even said “stop check around.. if someone would picture us now it would look magical, we have to remember this moment” then proceeded to make out heavily with me etc…

 

My girlfriend (a girl im friends with) who is living with his guy-friend (she and her boyfriend are a couple since many years) spoke to me at a party yesterday and said she heard them (his boyfriend and this guy I dated speak on phone) and she got angry cause she felt he must be clear.. so she told her boyfriend to tell “my guy” to speak up and so therefore he forced the issue I think.. I don’t blame her, she was just trying to protect me because she don’t want him leading me on and since we´re all in the same “gang” and everything.

She said she overheard her boyfriend and the guy speaking about me and this guy´s relationship like “nah its probably not gonna work out”. I wished her boyfriend could put in some good words about me and “cheer the guy up” to take a shot with me cause everyone seems to like me among our friends group.. and him aswell (last week when I was out with them her boyfriend gave me a warm hug and said we´ll see each other soon again after the bar and partying) but I don’t know if he did that or just said” ok”

 

Anyway my girl-friend said she heard he is dating some girl for some time but she doesn’t know about her really.. she told me the girl´s name but she said she isn’t even sure if its really that name..

Anyway the traces ends here.. my girl-friend cheered me up a lot with much peptalk I appreciate about how he is an idiot for not giving me more chance since im very good on all levels and we seemed to click and all.. but she also thinks he seems immature.. and we agreed its probably cause he had 2 relationships non stop for like 10 years.. so from he was 19-29 he almost never been single..

Look, im trying to move on, being open to opportunities, tinder, friend´s friends and all but I really am closed off and feel like I never might like someone so much again.. I think something is fundamentally wrong with me.. I wish I could meet a dating-coach but those doent excist here.. and the americal culture is not the same as in mine.. Psyciatric advice isn’t for love, only diagnosis and medicine here…

so im trying to find answers on the internet but its hard. And frankly im tired of “tips” on how to get the guy etc. I just wished somebody could love me for me! With all my bubbly cheerful social, smart, sensual, extravagant but a bit clumsy and sensitive personality that I am…

 

This really drags me down and im gonna be hesitant to meet the group if he might be there from now on.. it really sucks.. Im so sad and empty hollow inside.. I was out a while yesterday at clubs but I wish I just was married and had kids at my age of 30.. I feel like im being left behind and perhaps never find the happiness I´ve always longed for… to just be lucky in love and share a life together.

 

The Sunday when he dumped me I cried like 15 hours.. since then ive only head like 2 years every day.. though it still hurts.. Ive been through similar “dating” before where im even more lead on and taken advantage off (the guys had sex etc).. this time im “protected” but still sad and feel extremely unsuccessful. I fear im only gonna have experiences like these and never find a lover who loves me back to grow old with. It´s my biggest fear to be old, without my own family, and alone </3

 

This guy said he wants a relationship where the girls says “good that youre traveling alone! Have fun” if he wants to go to Antarctica or something.. I´m to be honest really not that comfortable with his high demand of freedom. I´ve been single almost all my life except for about 2-3 years around my 20’is then maximum dated someone for a half year so im tired of it.. but Ive noticed a pattern Im having anxious attachment style and drawn to “avoiding style” despite I know they often break my heart with their “distance and back & forth”.. I don’t want someone very clingy.. a secure person would be best but I don’t know where to find him..

 

Does anyone have tips on some books or readings I can go through that would perhaps benefit my love-life? Or some other tips on how i will get success in love? Would very much appreciate it!

 

I´m reading a book called “The power of the pussy” now by Kara King but it requires that the interest level by the guy is high and it accompanies many areas.. like body, looks, work, how I behave speak, etc.. im afraid I have a hard time to change so much.. I feel I kind of am comfortable with how I am, pretty comfortable, educated etc, but I just wish someone I love could accept me and love me for me..

I´m so sad I´m not who he wish I was.. I feel like such a failure.. even if my friends and family loves me I still feel like s*it since the one I want doesn’t want me back.. just “friends who philosophize without being intimate” – I don’t want to be in that friendzone ☹ I feel so humiliated that pretty much everyone now knows about him dumping me the second time, I know its my fault for even trying.. but he was like a drug I couldn’t resist. ( ive never tried drugs though but he has pretty much)…

 

Now I saw he put up some Instagram stories but I don’t dare open them cause he will see I´ve watched them! But im planning on open them and put my phone on “airplane mode” some hours so he never sees ive watched his stories… Im so afraid to see him be on date with some girl or something ☹ yet I will not be able to not look since I do want to know who he is choosing over me! To know my “competition” even if its game-over </3

Edited by aSadGirl
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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

Posted
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can i just ask him why he doesnt want to be with me?

I´m so afraid that if i dont know what i should make better/change then I´ll just fail in love times and times again till im old ugly and grey and its to late to make happy family...

:(

ive been through this so many times.. and i hate that none can give feedback! I really wanna know what they feel and think about me so i can be better, but i dont get the real answer probably even when i ask... is there a way to make him give me an honest answer about why Im not good enough to be in a relationship with!??!?!

Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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You are all so negative and sure about me not sending anything, it depresses me ☹

 

Being realistic is not being negative. We just don't want you to demean yourself for someone who seemed pretty clear he is not interested romantically.

 

Cant I send something like:

“Ok thanks for being honest. I just wanted to hang out, no need for commitment right away, Im not so sure about you either… but being just friends isn’t gonna do it for me. I wish you luck and happiness. Let me know if you doubt your decision and change your mind but im not gonna be easy then” or something like that, no?

 

Still a bad idea. You and he both would know you don't really mean it when you say "I'm not gonna be easy then." He's got no reason to think you won't jump at the chance to spend time with him if he requests it.

 

At this point, enough time has passed that I think it would be weird to respond at all. No response at least makes it look like you're not so severely affected by his decision. Sending him something like the above now is going to override that and still not have the effect you want.

 

I'm really sorry you're hurting so badly. I've struggled with self-worth at times, too, so I know how frustrating it can be to just feel like you're less than and somehow unworthy if someone you're interested in doesn't feel the same. But as others have said, we cannot negotiate objects of our affection to feel a certain way for us. It's hard to accept, but we must.

  • Like 1
Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Posted
can i just ask him why he doesnt want to be with me?

I´m so afraid that if i dont know what i should make better/change then I´ll just fail in love times and times again till im old ugly and grey and its to late to make happy family...

:(

ive been through this so many times.. and i hate that none can give feedback! I really wanna know what they feel and think about me so i can be better, but i dont get the real answer probably even when i ask... is there a way to make him give me an honest answer about why Im not good enough to be in a relationship with!??!?!

 

Please don't do this. You won't get an honest answer even if you ask. And even then, it's highly possible there's not a specific reason. Sometimes we just don't feel it and it's not anything wrong with the person.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Our responses aren't about being negative. We said what we did in order to try and keep you from feeling like you are right now. We hoped you'd protect your heart and keep your expecations realistic.

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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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Our responses aren't about being negative. We said what we did in order to try and keep you from feeling like you are right now. We hoped you'd protect your heart and keep your expecations realistic.

 

Please don't do this. You won't get an honest answer even if you ask. And even then, it's highly possible there's not a specific reason. Sometimes we just don't feel it and it's not anything wrong with the person.

But how about this text then???

 

Hi. I got stunned when I got your message so that why it took long to respond. Yeah the festival was fun until I came to the bar and noticed how Off you were, so I kind of expected this message but never get used to it anyway haha. Also, our friends have been pushing you to be honest so that must have been partly because you wrote it so suddenly? Because I hadn't even contacted you for several days prior to it.

 

However, I understand that you were doubtful. We've only seen each other twice since last winter, but I wasn't as invested as you think. Because when I show it, you might perceive it as 100% although for me it may be just 50 ... I´m just expressive ?

 

Anyway, you deserve to be with those you are absolutely sure of so go ahead and do what you need? As long as you are happy I am glad while I go on my own way too because I want to meet someone who feels I am valuable to him and want me fully ❤

 

I feel I can't only be "philosophy-friend". I think we seemed to have too much in common for that (like: being beaten when we were little, different experiences, political views, open deep thoughts, same friends, spirit of discovery, vision of the future on how to live / be a team / married forever, hot passion when we made out etc.) ?

 

Can you tell me what the others you would rather meet have? I´d also appreciate if you can give tips on what I can do better with the next one I meet. Guess regardless that you thought I showed I liked you too fast which probably made you not to dare to run the "opposite method" (?) That you preached (to dare going for it when doubt strikes as you catch some feelings that “this relationsip might be right…”)? ?

 

I regret I sent the "sex song" because you will probably get laid to it with someone else ? I wanted it to happen with me! ?

 

Also, I don't think you should see this as you did me a favor, I´ve met guys who have misled / exploited me before and will probably happen to meet someone like that again. However, I´m tired of "dating". I just want it have it like when we were hanging out: relaxed and exciting no matter what we did because the company is Key?

 

I am sorry that I did not manage to make you feel more for me, but of course I accept and respect your decision anyway. Take care now. I wish you all the best ?

LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

Posted
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But how about this text then???.................Take care now. I wish you all the best

 

No.

 

The best message to send him is no message at all. He will "get the message" that you have self respect if you do not contact him again.

  • Like 2
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Desperation is never an attractive trait when dating.

 

OP, you don’t want to “hang out” with this man, you want to date him. You know it, we know it, and he knows it.

 

He has clearly chosen something different. It’s no reflection on you, it is just a choice that he has made for himself. Respect that and move on with your life.

 

No more letters, texts, or sex songs... You will not accomplish anything more than appearing to him to be a desperate and crazy woman, one that he would be wise to avoid. I’m sorry.

  • Like 1
Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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Sorry, but that draft makes you look even more desperate and insecure than the other ones. Don't send it.

 

Believe me, I know how difficult it is to not respond. But you have to remind yourself that there's nothing you're going to send him that will really change how he feels for you.

 

I'm actually struggling with a similar thing right now. But I've already made my position clear, so I know that whatever I say is just going to be redundant and that my urge to send some sort of message is simply because this person did not respond/react the way I had hoped when I made my position clear the first time.

 

Bottom line is he knows how you feel. You don't need to repeat yourself.

Edited by Blanco
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Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

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Friend - please save your dignity. He just dumped you for the second time. Men don't respond to lengthy letters where you try to get him to see things your way. They respond to NO CONTACT.

 

Remember that YOU reached out to HIM. You sought him out first. Don't go chasing after men who dump you, even seven months later!

 

Do you mind my asking how old you are?

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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OP, just stop. Stop contacting him and thinking up ways to get him to talk to you or date you. Stop everything with him.

 

I would strongly encourage you to contact a therapist to get to the bottom of all this. You seem to struggle tremendously with attachment and it's getting to be self-destructive. Until you address what appear to be some deep, underlying issues, this is a pattern that will repeat itself in future relationships. You deserve to be happy, but you won't get there behaving like this.

  • Like 1
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aSadGirl Established Member

aSadGirl

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No.

The best message to send him is no message at all. He will "get the message" that you have self respect if you do not contact him again.

How is it selfrespect to not honor my feelings and just let him go like this?

 

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Can I atleast ask what he is looking for in a woman that he thinks I dont have!!?!?!?!?

Im going mad by not understanding what i lack for him to feel he wants something serious with me.. i feel so worthless now...

 

Believe me, I know how difficult it is to not respond. But you have to remind yourself that there's nothing you're going to send him that will really change how he feels for you. Bottom line is he knows how you feel. You don't need to repeat yourself.

How can you be sure? it wont change anything? Like if i adress i know he might be scared to go into love but reassure him im here or something..?

 

Friend - please save your dignity. He just dumped you for the second time. Men don't respond to lengthy letters where you try to get him to see things your way. They respond to NO CONTACT.

Remember that YOU reached out to HIM. You sought him out first. Don't go chasing after men who dump you, even seven months later!

Do you mind my asking how old you are?

Thanks, but how would no contact help this case? Everyone here probably thinks its over for good between me and him :( but i cant accept it! we had too much common ground.. he seemed so lovey-dovey when we dated now again and i cant understand how he just throws it away!

Im 30 and he is about to turn 30 soon too. I just think he has a 30-crisis...

 

OP, just stop. Stop contacting him and thinking up ways to get him to talk to you or date you. Stop everything with him.

I would strongly encourage you to contact a therapist to get to the bottom of all this. You seem to struggle tremendously with attachment and it's getting to be self-destructive. Until you address what appear to be some deep, underlying issues, this is a pattern that will repeat itself in future relationships. You deserve to be happy, but you won't get there behaving like this.

 

 

I havent contacted him since he sent the dump text.. it hurts like hell though.. we have so many same friends.. i feel in panic mode like im about to lose them too even though i know then love me as friend.. i feel in danger like this might influence them... even if they rather see him in a dissapointing light not me.. they cheer me on and say im the best and deserve better but my heart cant hear those words.. i still feel like ****.. depressed.. and im having a cold.. crying a lot and cant move on with life..

I just want him to tell what kind of woman he would commit to that im not.. it would ease my anxity to know.. perhaps try to become that or just accept i cant be that.. but just moving on like this without knowing what i couldve done or how i couldve been better kills me!

 

Thanks for the therapy tip but here in my country relationshiptherapist dont excist if its not big money and i dont have them...

 

I feel awful, this night i cried a lot to the song : "Powfu - Scars on my heart" its bean on repeat

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Posted

No, you should not ask him what his dream woman is. It isn't you, and that's all you need to know. The rest really isn't your business and isn't relevant.

 

You will lose your friends too if you keep this up. Why? Because word will get back to them (through him) that you are not emotionally stable and most folks don't know how to relate to instability, so they will distance themselves.

 

You need to leave this guy alone now.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I just want him to tell what kind of woman he would commit to that im not.. it would ease my anxity to know.. perhaps try to become that or just accept i cant be that.. but just moving on like this without knowing what i couldve done or how i couldve been better kills me!

 

 

TBH, guys I've known who are similar to him always end up with a much younger girl. He likes to hang around younger people so I would say he's looking for a 21 year old. If he's good looking he can get that.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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No, you should not ask him what his dream woman is. It isn't you, and that's all you need to know. The rest really isn't your business and isn't relevant. .

 

This, absolutely.

 

The other reason why you don’t ask - because you will twist yourself and change yourself trying to be what you “think” he wants - and that is not who you are. A woman with self esteem will not do that. She will recognize her self worth and know that THE RIGHT MAN for her will love her for exactly who she is... As such, your attempt to make yourself into the woman that he thinks he wants is not needed. It’s a pointless endeavour.

 

Besides, who cares what this one man thinks he wants in a woman? He is NOT the only man available to date. The next guy may well find something totally different attractive.

 

Just live your life and never change who you are for a man. You will drive yourself crazy trying... and men will lose respect for you, because you don’t value yourself and you lack healthy boundaries.

  • Like 1
  • 2 weeks later...
Amethyst68 Established Member

Amethyst68

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OP, just for clarification I've only read your posts not the replies.

 

Can I gently say that what comes across is a sense of desperation and disbelief that because you want this man it's not possible he can't want the same thing or he can't be made to want it, if only he'd date you. I don't know if it's just your writing style, kinda insecure yet insistent, you definitely, IMO, come across a lot younger than 30 yrs old. I don't mean to be harsh but this can be of putting in real life.

 

Let this man go live his life in peace.

  • Like 1
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