Turning point Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 It's not the responsibility of a partner to sort through someone else's baggage; that responsibility belongs to the baggage carrier. ..and yet, you're willing to sort through it for him and post a conclusion. Who's baggage is that really based on? If he likes this woman well, here's the first real test of both their metals. He's already in the experiment, might as well check the data before drawing a conclusion. See what's under all this dust and then act accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope71 Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 I would be suspicious if were not really her husband calling you....I don’t many men..even exes who would do their romantic bidding for their ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 ..and yet, you're willing to sort through it for him and post a conclusion. Who's baggage is that really based on? If he likes this woman well, here's the first real test of both their metals. He's already in the experiment, might as well check the data before drawing a conclusion. See what's under all this dust and then act accordingly. Project much? How many times must someone lie/betray you before you finally recognize they are capable of such behavior? Experiment failed. Time to move on. However, here is an interesting idea: ask OP for this woman's contact details so you too can join in on the experiment, no longer having to enjoy it vicariously. Then we can really get this $hyt show off the ground. Popcorn anyone? ( I'm being sarcastic, silly rabbit.) OP, if you want to risk your dignity, energy, heart, time, etc. for an "experiment," by all means proceed. Hopefully you will value yourself more...and I think you will since posting here means you know this situation is off for you. Hope you will return to tell us your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 (edited) Project much? How many times must someone lie/betray you before you finally recognize they are capable of such behavior? I'm not suggesting that dating someone in the midst of separation or divorce is a good idea. It almost never works out. I'm simply acknowledging that she's not in a relationship - marriage or otherwise. They have only dated and he has nothing invested.. "betrayal" does not describe this situation, it's someone else's hot button. Someone in the midst of a breakup is bound to be slow on full-disclosure. If you're a one and done person with respect to lies - so be it. But a scarlet letter is of no value. The true measure of a person is not their sins, it is how they reconcile them. Edited July 21, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 OP message the guy who messaged you on FB. Ask him if he was the person you spoke to on the phone. Seems weird that he would be all snarky and jealous on FB but then be all warm and accepting on the phone. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 Seems weird that he would be all snarky and jealous on FB but then be all warm and accepting on the phone. I don't think he was snarky and jealous on fb he sent a "smarmy" message not a sarky one. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted July 21, 2019 Share Posted July 21, 2019 I don't think he was snarky and jealous on fb he sent a "smarmy" message not a sarky one. The whole "not yet divorced" thing seems rather small compared to this queer turn. By the time I'm getting messages on FB and her ex's are calling to wish me well... my drama meter would already have gone to DEFCON 11. Link to post Share on other sites
gettinoverit Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 Well, you have been the one to finally draw me out of the shadows! I've been lurking on LS for a while doing a lot of taking and I think this is something I can finally give back on! Yes, in my humble opinion you are making a mountain out of a molehill, and here's why I think so: You said she has kept this from you for a month. A MONTH! Not years, not even monthS. Just a month! And she never actually overtly lied to you, saying she was divorced when she wasn't. She just didn't bring up the details. I am in a similar position to her. I am separated. Not divorced. We have been married almost 20 years. We do have children. We have been separated 6 months. We are in a complicated situation. We both live in America, but neither of us are American. Also, neither of us are the same nationality! He is from one country, I am from another. We married in his country and then moved here. Complicated, hey?! On top of that, we do get on really well. I have a lot of respect for him, and him for me. And we have these amazing children. No regrets at all. We are fantastic as friends, coparents and business owners. Just not as spouses. Sadly, the cultural difference between us just became too much. We have no intentions of divorcing right now for many reasons, not least the complexity of our situation. Plus I see no need to divorce right now. In the future, if he or I meet someone we want to pursue something with, then that will change. My point being: life isn't always that simple, black and white, cut and dried. I am not dating yet, and probably won't be for quite a while to come. But when I do start dating, I would not be explaining all this in detail to someone I have known and dated for a month! I would tell them I am separated, that my husband lives in a different country (as he probably will be by that point), that he is a good man and it is an amicable situation, but that I am free to pursue another relationship. Then I would see how things go and answer questions honestly - including the obvious "Are you divorced?" which you didn't actually ask. It sounds very much to me as if this woman is me 2 years or so from now. She seems very into you, you are into her, and her ex husband has given you both his blessing. It's a good start to the situation. Why in the world would you NOT continue to pursue things with one caveat: the divorce needs to happen first. That is NOT an unreasonable request if you are considering getting in deep with someone. If the divorce doesn't happen, then I think that will be a good indicator that there ARE other factors at play here you don't know about. But definitely give this one a chance. Don't walk away because she didn't spill all her guts to you in the first month! Link to post Share on other sites
gettinoverit Posted August 6, 2019 Share Posted August 6, 2019 I feel like a lot of people didn’t really read the first post. I'm inclined to agree. And definitely the additional info further down in the thread. Link to post Share on other sites
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