How Serious Are These Red Flags??

[soulforge]

Even though I dated her just under 4 months, I am

Surprised how upset I have felt.

 

We only went exclusive two months in..

 

She was the hottest girl I ever dated, maybe that's why it feels so tough and I probably let the amazing sex cloud my judgement too.

 

If I am this upset 4 months in... Imagine how bad I would be, 2 years in, when those RED FLAGS come back to bite

me in the azz.

 

Maybe I should count myself lucky I got away this soon!

[soulforge]

Really struggling today... Kinda miss her..

 

But I know in the long run this person is likely to destroy me.

 

I will continue with NC.. I know deep inside I need to run away from this person!

 

The red flags are Too Much

[soulforge]

Why am I struggling so much?

 

Shouldn't I be feeling relieved for a dodging a bullet here

[Maddie82]

Why am I struggling so much?

 

Shouldn't I be feeling relieved for a dodging a bullet here

 

That's exactly how you should be feeling. The relationship would never have lasted. There are too many things in her lifestyle that any sane guy would not tolerate. As for this photographer guy that HAD to sleep over once a month, it is very likely she is giving some kind of sexual service in exchange for money.

[soulforge]

That's exactly how you should be feeling. The relationship would never have lasted. There are too many things in her lifestyle that any sane guy would not tolerate. As for this photographer guy that HAD to sleep over once a month, it is very likely she is giving some kind of sexual service in exchange for money.

 

 

She swore up and down that they have never had sex..

 

She even wanted me to be present everytime he comes over.

 

This made me realise that this pornographer would AlWAYS be in the picture.

 

And why should I have to drop everything to babysit them both, incase something is going on.

 

No quality woman should be putting his man is this type of SLEAZY situation.

 

Even of nothing was going on between them both, the entire situation was still wrong and unhealthy for a relationship.

[Gagis]

Why am I struggling so much?

 

Shouldn't I be feeling relieved for a dodging a bullet here

I think you are struggling because you know she needs someone.

 

Feeling needed is very attractive to men.

 

You've made it quite clear that you are not the man to save her from herself, if such a thing is possible, and there is nothing wrong with that. As you said it is not your job to fix women, but having been intimate with her, you will struggle for a bit before you move on, because you know that she is a soul that is suffering.

[doyathinkso]

So far so good. Keep on moving on.

 

 

 

Put as much distance as you can from her before you end up getting mangled by that human train wreck.

[soulforge]

So far so good. Keep on moving on.

 

 

 

Put as much distance as you can from her before you end up getting mangled by that human train wreck.

 

 

Easier said than done.. I found her very attractive, we had some fun times together.

 

However.. My only option seems to be to get away from this situation as quickly as possible

[Marc878]

The heart wants what the heart wants but you have to take what comes with that.

 

Better use your head on this one.

[soulforge]

The heart wants what the heart wants but you have to take what comes with that.

 

Better use your head on this one.

 

I won't deny she was the hottest girl I ever dated, and I am 45 she is 37

 

The connection was good too... But I sense nothing but danger and pitfalls ahead.

 

If I take her hotness away or the sex... And try to think about how it would be for a LTR with her, then I can see so many problems ahead.

 

Trust being the biggest issue.

 

It would be easier to walk or RUN away now... Than be in a WORLD of pain another year down the line.

[soulforge]

I just wanted to clarify that the nude dancing, and

nude modelling she claims to have done around 8-10

Years ago.

 

Her involment in porn was with this old sleazy man.. Apparently they where business partners and they used

to film other people in pornography and bondage porn.

 

She claimed that she was not in any porn herself... However this could be a big lie.

 

Porn, modelling and drugs generally go hand in hand

 

Even if all the sleazy stuff was in the past... The FACT remains that the pornographer is still a BIG influence in her life... And the cocaine is still there.

 

This to me seems like terrible conditions for getting involved in a LTR with her.

 

Even though I miss her, it seems easier to walk away now, than potentially have my life ruined by her later.

[MINAKO]

It all sounds like a disaster.

 

You may miss her incredibly right now, but in the long run, you will be glad you left.

[soulforge]

It all sounds like a disaster.

 

You may miss her incredibly right now, but in the long run, you will be glad you left.

 

 

I just need to use my logic... occasionally the emotions take over.

 

I know you are right... Everything about her history and CURRENT state, suggests I should RUN

 

I would need eyes on the back of my head with her.

[spiderowl]

I don't know what she is like as a person, how she is with you, how you feel about her. What is clear is that if you stay with her, there are always going to be dodgy or sleazy characters on the edge of your mutual lives together - the cocaine people, the pornographer, maybe friends from the past.

 

Would that be acceptable to you?

[soulforge]

I don't know what she is like as a person, how she is with you, how you feel about her. What is clear is that if you stay with her, there are always going to be dodgy or sleazy characters on the edge of your mutual lives together - the cocaine people, the pornographer, maybe friends from the past.

 

Would that be acceptable to you?

 

 

No I would feel very uncomfortable with it.. I wouldn't be able to trust her.

 

This is why I ended it... Also she could easily go back to her previous life, with those influences still there.

[Osho]

When I have the need to ask another about red flags it’s usually a red flag in itself.

[soulforge]

When I have the need to ask another about red flags it’s usually a red flag in itself.

 

The only reason why I ask is, because of my feelings and the great sexual chemistry, I am certain my judgement is being clouded.

 

Sometimes it takes a person who is outside of the situation and not emotionally invested, to be able to look at the situation for what it is.

 

Even after a week away from her, I am realising that this was DOOMED to fail.

 

Too many obstacles, trust issues and sleezy things going on..

 

And the drugs to make matters worse

[soulforge]

I tried to imagine today what a long term relationship with her would be like.

 

Firstly I would be always wary and cautious about her going out drinking with her friends..

 

Is she out getting high on cocaine..

 

People who use cocaine with alcohol are even more likely to get involved in risky behavior.. The sexual kind

 

There must still be elements and contacts/freinds still around from her nudity/porn days

 

Then I would be cautious about the type of freinds she hangs out with.

 

One of her friends has a cocaine problem.. Obviously a negative influence in her life.. They talked about hanging out together, i'm sure she could get convinced into doing a line.

 

Then she has quite alot of male friends she hangs out with..

 

Possibly a dealer in the picture somewhere.. She must be getting the cocaine off someone.

 

I can't see how the relationship could last, with me having to question everything or simply worry about everything.

 

I don't think she is the type to communicate and resolve conflict easily too.. I have seen her pull back and minimise contact with me, instead of head on resolve it.

 

Then the intamicy issue.. She was quite wary about holding my hand.

 

We went to the cinema to watch a movie as GF and BF

but we barely even held hands.

 

We did eventually, but only for a short while.

 

It felt kinda strange.

[soulforge]

I wish I had left sooner before I developed any feelings

For her at all..

 

There was a point where I felt uneasy about the relationship, and that was two months in

 

I should have walked

Edited July 12, 2019 by soulforge

[soulforge]

Am I being shallow?

 

This was the most attractive girl I dated.

 

I am pretty sure I won't get another one that

hot again.

 

I suppose that is the trap? The looks and the sex.

[soulforge]

I haven't posted in a little while, as I wanted to take my

Mind off the whole situation.

 

I was doing reasonably well.. However starting to miss her again, and beating myself up a little.

 

Is it normal for a guy to feel a little insecure or mistrusting around someone who has that many red flags, or has quite a sleazy background?

 

I am usually a very confident guy!

Edited July 20, 2019 by soulforge

[soulforge]

Anyone here been in a similar situation to mine?

[soulforge]

Guys is moving on and leaving this woman in the

past definitely the right thing?

 

I don't know what has come over me the last few days,

Starting to feel down about the whole situation.

 

Also her being so hot doesn't really help either lol

[Commongoal123]

So I met this girl from online.

 

We dated for 4 months, but I recently ended it with her.

 

Over the course of the four months she slowly revealed more things about herself, and I came to the conclusion that I don't think I could trust her in a Long Term

Relationship.

 

I am a little confused about if I did the right thing... The sex and attraction between us was insane, and she was the hottest girl I ever dated.

 

I also enjoyed her company and we had things in common.

 

She even talked about me moving in with her, meeting her family etc. Got totally sucked into this idea of getting serious with her.

 

 

What are your thoughts on the Red Flags??

 

 

01.Was abused as a child from the age of 5 upwards.

 

02.Has self harmed herself at some point in the past, has scars on her arms.

 

03.Has worked as a semi nude dancer in bars & clubs & various hotels around the world some years ago.

 

04.Has done nude modelling, bondage modelling & has been involved with pornography too.. she told me from the filming side of it, but she could be lying.

 

05.The guy she did the nude modelling for, the photographer stops at her house with her, every other month.. I think he runs a photography company, but dabbles in porno too.

 

He looks old and ugly, probably in his 60s, but she claims they have never had sex, and wants me to be okay with the situation or for me to be present everytime he comes over to sleep at her house.

 

How can this situation be strictly platonic, when he has photographed or filmed her private parts?

 

06.She uses cocaine occasionally and has a friend who is addicted to cocaine, that she lends money to.. Financially irresponsible!

 

Also I don't know how serious her cocaine use is, she could be an addict for all

I know, or become an addict one day.

 

 

07.She has many male friends, and talks about them very often.

 

 

08.She claims to have taken part in a 3sum and foursome in the past, but didn't enjoy it.

 

 

09.She has had a 6 year Lesbian relationship too, but claims they didn't have sex.

 

 

10.She admits to having intamicy issues, due to her history.

 

11.She made little effort to text me..Usually only hear from her once a day, for a few minutes. The communication between us, was rather brief and regimented.

 

13. We once had a little fallout, and she pulled away, and reduced communication with me, imstead of talking things over like an adult.

 

14. She invited me to her brothers birthday party, everyone was pretty drunk.. One of the very close family freinds said to me.. GOOD LUCK MATE, SHE IS YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

 

That really scared me... I kind of feel like she is too damaged to have a relationship with.. and she doesn't have good morality or values.

 

The nudity and porn she claims is all in her past years ago, however it is still a reflection of her character.

 

Also keep in mind... The pornographer is still on the scene and stops at her house, and she still uses cocaine.

 

How do i know that she won't get into financial difficulties one day, and with the encouragement of the pornographer start doing nudity again or worse?

 

The influence and the cocaine is still there.

 

Hey OP,

 

#1 and #2 seemed like "yellow flags" to me, but having known, dated, and been friends with people who have been abused and also self harmed in the past, some of them just made a really dumb mistake as a teenager once while being abused by said parents/adult figures.

 

With that being said, everything else you described are all major (MAJOR) red flags.

 

Regardless of whether she had sex with said nude photographer guy, the fact that he still comes over every month means A) she is still letting him take nude pics, B) is ****ing weird if he isn't. I'd lean more towards A...

 

Regarding your most recent posts, the fact that you are normally a confident guy and are not feeling so much like "yourself" now is also a huge red flag.

 

And yes, it is normal for a guy to feel insecure and mistrusting around someone with so many PRESENT red flags and a sleazy background. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you... or that "normal" means this is "part of dating someone with so many red flags". I means your instincts are trying to tell you something. I means there is something right with you. You feel the way you do because it is a bad situation to be in.

 

And keep in mind that some of these red flags are in the present, not in the past.

 

Stay away. Do not reach out. Do not let her suck you back in, and don't let her gaslight you or make you second guess yourself.

 

There is no doubt that you made the right choice here.

 

Don't second guess yourself.

 

Also, it is normal to feel ****ty after a breakup, even if you were the one doing the breaking up. It is called attachment. When attached to someone, a breakup severs it, and it is normal to miss them, even if they weren't good for you.

 

It is even harder when the sex is awesome and the other person is super hot. B/C that **** can become an addiction.

 

(Been there myself)

 

-Common

Edited July 21, 2019 by Commongoal123

[soulforge]

Hey OP,

 

#1 and #2 seemed like "yellow flags" to me, but having known, dated, and been friends with people who have been abused and also self harmed in the past, some of them just made a really dumb mistake as a teenager once while being abused by said parents/adult figures.

 

With that being said, everything else you described are all major (MAJOR) red flags.

 

Regardless of whether she had sex with said nude photographer guy, the fact that he still comes over every month means A) she is still letting him take nude pics, B) is ****ing weird if he isn't. I'd lean more towards A...

 

Regarding your most recent posts, the fact that you are normally a confident guy and are not feeling so much like "yourself" now is also a huge red flag.

 

And yes, it is normal for a guy to feel insecure and mistrusting around someone with so many PRESENT red flags and a sleazy background. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you... or that "normal" means this is "part of dating someone with so many red flags". I means your instincts are trying to tell you something. I means there is something right with you. You feel the way you do because it is a bad situation to be in.

 

And keep in mind that some of these red flags are in the present, not in the past.

 

Stay away. Do not reach out. Do not let her suck you back in, and don't let her gaslight you or make you second guess yourself.

 

There is no doubt that you made the right choice here.

 

Don't second guess yourself.

 

Also, it is normal to feel ****ty after a breakup, even if you were the one doing the breaking up. It is called attachment. When attached to someone, a breakup severs it, and it is normal to miss them, even if they weren't good for you.

 

It is even harder when the sex is awesome and the other person is super hot. B/C that **** can become an addiction.

 

(Been there myself)

 

-Common

 

Thank you.. I have been feeling down in the dumps about it for a few days now.

 

 

I understand some of the sleazy things she was involved in was some years ago.. However they still make it very difficult to trust her and to trust her sense of judgement.

 

Also.. What man would be happy about a 63 year old ex pornographer stopping over at his girlfriends house every other month? No man.

 

She swore that they are only freinds, and never once had sex...

 

But.. This dude was taking pics or filming her naked body.. It surely can't be right for him to sleep over at her house. How that even a platonic freindship.

 

She was expecting me to go along with this set up and come stay over everytime he came to stop.

 

Hey I don't want to be in the same room as this guy.

 

Also she uses cocaine currently and has a friend who has a cocaine problem..

 

Cocaine and this pornographer in the picture makes me feel very uneasy.

 

I have been beating myself up about it, because I began to feel a little insecure in the relationship.. Also was second guessing her... Not sure if she was telling the truth about things.