georgia girl Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 What Elaine just said resonated with me... When my dad was having his affair, he also travelled a lot for work and we lived about 40 minutes from his office in a neighboring town. He would create this ruse where he had to go out of town for a few nights and would leave his car at the airport. His OW would come pick him up. It makes me cringe now to think about it all. How humiliating for all three of them. Hope, I think you are very likely on the biggest part of the roller coaster. From this past weekend high of making plans to the low of his phone call saying he’s back home to when he reaches out again and says something along the lines of loving you and really wanting to figure out a way to leave and then back down when he says that he’s agreed to counseling for one reason or another. For self-preservation and without any judgment, I would tell him to look you up when he is well and truly on his own, whether that he fully divorced or in process but living on his own for awhile. He will always know where to find you, if it’s Meant to be. But in the meantime, you get away from all of the emotional turmoil and you get stronger so that if he does come back, you can start fresh and have a healthier, stronger relationshup. The more you hang around for him to engage in push/pull with, the more hurt you will get and the more hurt one partner is by another, the harder long-term it will be for the hurt partner to recover and forgive. Best of luck to you. I am so sorry you are hurting. 1
Amethyst68 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I'm sorry but I'm not convinced my first thought was wrong and he never really left home. Every action of his in the past week can be explained by a business trip and now he's just returning home to his family. Even the birthday message from his daughter, you never saw the actual message (if it existed and wasn't just another manipulation tool), you have no idea of the content but it could have made it clear he was still living at home.
sandylee1 Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I thought he wasn't happy in the marriage and didn't love his wife. Or have I confused this with another thread. Why is he going back? He has a grown up daughter...so no young kids to consider. It can't be loneliness...or perhaps it can be and he needs to have you and his wife. One woman doesn't seem enough for him. I'm also wondering if he really did leave at all.
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 Sorry to hear this Hope71. I agree about blocking him. Not only will it keep you from backsliding should he reach out (and he likely will at some point but not for the reasons you would hope), but it also puts you back in the driver seat. It will feel better knowing that you took a stand for yourself, as in if he's willing to make such a choice after all your investment, he has no right to ever contact you again. You know you deserve better, overall and better than today's conversation. Take the stand for yourself to say 'never again!' and block. Then focus on all the self care you can. Wishing you the best. ❤ 2
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 I also want to give you a big congratulations for the way you handled yourself on today's call. When I read that you'd be spending the weekend together, I thought you'd be sucked back in hook, line, and sinker. Good for you for keeping your wits about you as painful as it must be! You got this!
Author Hope71 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 Thank you all. I am hurting bad right now....I do believe he actually left his house because he showed a few texts from his daughter about it. The one thing I am proud of is how I handled the breakup. I know that the way you leave is the way they remember you...I will be implementing NC from this point. I have also looked into booking a trip in the next couple of months. I always need a plan when I go through something like this. Work helps too..right now though I just want to cry.
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Go ahead and cry. Get it out. Just don't wallow; you don't seem to be the type to wallow anyhow!
FMW Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 Be sure you're strong with your decision because he WILL reach out to you again. Get (and keep) your head straight so that you don't weaken when it happens. And remember that unless he's actually divorced his reaching out to you again is absolutely no compliment to you or testament to his "love" for you. It's just all about his ego and desires, just as it always was. A man who truly loves a woman doesn't put her in that position. 1
Author Hope71 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 @ Hadme...lol that made me laugh because you’re so right. ..thank you! @Finding myway: I’m trying to execute a plan on sticking to my guns. MM knows I won’t take him back under these conditions...and it angers me that he said he loves me before hanging up. I don’t get that at all. 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 (edited) @ Hadme...lol that made me laugh because you’re so right. ..thank you! @Finding myway: I’m trying to execute a plan on sticking to my guns. MM knows I won’t take him back under these conditions...and it angers me that he said he loves me before hanging up. I don’t get that at all. Maybe he said he loves you more for himself. It reminds me of this guy who I worked for. I'll call him CJ. The initial terms we agreed to when I started (work pt from home with very good pay) morphed 2 years later into me commuting 5 days/week, and eventually getting a 2nd apartment, with zero pay increase/hour. I had contributed a ton of improvements to get the company to the next level (taking from small biz to mid, formalizing processes and accounting systems and risk management etc). He was unwilling to share my expense of either the 3 hours daily commute or inexpensive second apartment, which led to souring of the relationship, me losing motivation, and him terminating me (replacing me with someone less skilled for half the pay since I had already 'upgraded' the company). My point to the story is...he hugged me immediately after the termination talk. Totally awkward, wierd. Seems like the same thing as your MM's I love you. CJ was also a serial cheater btw, which led to his divorce (a couple years before my employ). Edited July 31, 2019 by HadMeOverABarrel
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 MM knows I won’t take him back under these conditions... He has rejected you twice now and you are still apparently in negotiating mode. Why is that? Why do you want a man who is not only rejecting you, he is rejecting you in favour of his wife. There is usually a reason men find married women and women who live far away, to have affairs with. He is unavailable for long term commitment so a married woman is safely married, she is going nowhere... LDRs suit cheaters as they can control the narrative. He calls, he Facetimes, he emails, he texts... he doesn't have to sneak out or tell loads of lies to explain himself. He arranges and manages real life meetings around his wife's schedule... All hunky dory. Only, as we see so often on the board once separated or divorcing the OW turns her attention to the MM leaving his wife. She calls his bluff, "If you loved me you would leave..." He doesn't want to do that, not really, but wants to maintain the status quo, and the whole sad story plays out here again and again... (He told you he loves you to keep you on the hook... Like most men, he knows women are suckers for love...)
Author Hope71 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 @Elaine I’m not in negotiating mode....?? I’m in recovery mode. MM made his choice....he is going to have to live with it. Guess what...I am going to be fine. I am free to move on ...he gets to live with his choice..not to say staying with his W is horrible but he knows what he did ..,and just because he’s back doesn’t mean it’s “over”. My rose tinted glasses came off yesterday. I’m not over it ....but I’m definitely not going back. 1
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 @Elaine I’m not in negotiating mode....?? Ok, I am glad you are moving on, but the implication in what you wrote was that if the circumstances changed you would take him back...
Author Hope71 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 The day after breakup: I don’t know why but I woke up feeling empowered. Maybe because it’s over and I feel free? It’s strange. Last night was hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. I’ve also been watching videos on doing NC and how beneficial it is...so I’m resigned to doing NC . I haven’t checked my phone ...which normally I do. So maybe this is a good thing. Of course maybe later I’ll feel worse...but for now I’ll take any small amount of strength I can get. Hope you all are being strong.. 2
Author Hope71 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 @elaine Lol....only if he chased me ..with signed divorce papers . Which will never happen. I don’t think I would want him by then anyway. 1
Author Hope71 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 Home tonight. Still pretty raw. Less than 48 hrs since breakup.. No desire to talk ..or even be upset. I’m ready to move on!!! He can keep her....at least in six months MY life will be different!! His...status quo.......ewwww!!! 2
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 (edited) So today he called and we broke up.ne said he went back last nite because he didn’t want to stY in a hotel and of course he wants to see if it will work out....blah blah blah. ....said not not what he wants but he doesn’t see another way. I said...well you’re making the choice. It’s not like you’re being held hostage. I didn’t beg..l I just asked him not to do this . What really made me angry was right before we hung up he told me he loves me . I didn’t respond back I just hung up. So there you go I am officially a statistic ... and not a good one . Be kind to yourself throughout your grieving process. Block him on all social media and from your phone too. Make it impossible for him to contact you (because chances are he will reach out at some point when he feels it's safe to). This isn't punishment for him it's protecting yourself from future unnecessary pain. Stay in No contact mode. Grieve, reach out to good trusted friends and family who love you and support you. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion This will help you with no contact. Edited August 1, 2019 by whichwayisup 1
Maddie82 Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Home tonight. Still pretty raw. Less than 48 hrs since breakup.. No desire to talk ..or even be upset. I’m ready to move on!!! He can keep her....at least in six months MY life will be different!! His...status quo.......ewwww!!! You said this before then you took him back. You seem to be repeating the same cycle.
Author Hope71 Posted August 3, 2019 Author Posted August 3, 2019 It seems like NC is getting harder now. I guess reality is sinking in that I’ve been dumped. Ugh. Even being busy every single minute doesn’t seem to help. I also deleted my FB app off my phone so I’m not tempted to use it. Why is is so f ing hard? I booked myself to work two weeks straight because I need to be busy...and working out. I wish this would end..
Abetterme Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Hang in there Hope. You’ve been through a roller coaster in the last month and it will take a bit to level out. The only way forward is through, but it will get better. You are taking the right steps. Tomorrow is a new day!
HadMeOverABarrel Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Don't be discouraged. I'm sure you realized it would take longer than a few days, and it certainly will. You are doing all the right things. It will be a rollar coaster ride for weeks and months, but you will make it through. Be kind to yourself and don't judge yourself during the process. IC recommended if you have not already started to help you process the emotions as they come up.
Author Hope71 Posted August 3, 2019 Author Posted August 3, 2019 I haven’t started IC but I’m sure it would help. I want to see how I feel in a few weeks...and get some distance. I know the process is slower for the dumpee at first. It feels like he is relieved to be rid of me. I feel disposable and I know that’s normal but it hurts so much.i really miss him even though part me wants to hate him. All these feelings are juxtaposed . Right now I have this board, my work and my gym. So IC is next if it’s not getting better. Any success stories with IC? Please tell me I’ll be better and it gets easier. Mornings are really rough for me. I can’t seem to sleep long right now I am awake at 4 am posting this. I will do an early workout then work all day. Work helps because I’m around people all day and focused on my tasks. I’m trying to avoid being alone and it’s not like I can vent to anyone. All I imagine is MM talking to his W about me and things we did even though he may not be....turning me into the one who caused it all. I feel like a wreck on the inside but I have to smile on this outside and I hate it.
Author Hope71 Posted August 3, 2019 Author Posted August 3, 2019 On another note..in addition to all this i found out that my beloved dog may have cancer and I am devastated. I have pet insurance but I don’t want to lose my baby ...
Crazelnut Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 It does get better. It really does. But it takes a lot of time. It was 6 months before I felt like myself again. But you're doing all the right stuff. You can do it! I'm so sorry about your pet. vHugs.
Naivewomen Posted August 3, 2019 Posted August 3, 2019 Hope, keep smiling because smiling on the outside will help you internally. You will begin to reprogram your mindset and will find yourself smiling with real intent. Dont let him take away the power of your smile! Push through and force happy days until they just become happier naturally.
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