Did I do the right thing?

[Reading_Josh]

So, I've pushed myself into the NC phase on this one. She did eventually come back and say it was a false alarm, but yeah....I won't be responding to her any time in the foreseeable future.

 

I've also dumped her off of social media as she's happily, already, posting pictures of her and her 'new' guy on there. Whilst it makes me wonder if what we had was nothing, it makes me thankful that I didn't end up trapped as was the real risk here.

 

So, I'm focusing on myself as people have said. Going out there, meeting up with old friends, going on random social meetups with groups (No idea who any of them are, but it can't be a bad idea).

 

I'm not doing this to find another girl, just saying. This is just for my own mind and improving myself, if there's someone else who comes along then they come along when the time is right.

 

I will certainly take a lot of lessons and experience from what I've just been through which should help me through the rest of my life!

[Beachead]

@Reading_Josh

 

Perfect.

 

If you need little bit of an emotional boost, just drop by here and let your thoughts fly. We'll be here to help.

 

- Beach

[Reading_Josh]

So, I'm feeling the lowest I've felt today.

 

Here I am contemplating writing a letter and going to her doorstep today with it, today is the first day I'm regretting what I've done.

 

I don't think I should, but I want her back. I miss her more than anything I could have ever thought. The void in my life during the week and my days off work are just beyond anything, I don’t feel like I can cope at the mo.

 

I tried to throw myself out there last night and meet some new people, but it wasn't what I thought it was and it feels like its set me back decades in terms of how I feel about myself.

 

All I know is that she made me feel wanted, loved, appreciated. All of that right now feels impossible to get to and I cannot see how I will ever get that again.

 

I'm sure I did the right thing, I waiver between that and wondering a lot....but today has been the first day I've had the deepest thought of regret and an urge in my mind to go back and fix all of this.

 

What on earth can I do from here?

[ExpatInItaly]

All I know is that she made me feel wanted, loved, appreciated.

 

Until she discovered you weren't going to donate your sperm to serve her own agenda.

 

You need to distinguish the feelings you got from the person she truly is, OP. You're conflating the two right now.

 

Of course it doesn't feel right to get back out there yet. You are still processing how this girl could be so different from who you imagined she was. Time will help with that. It doesn't mean going back to this immature girl is a good idea and better than waiting for a more rational and mature woman.

[Beachead]

@Reading_Josh

 

You don't want her. It's just your anxiety and fear of the future kicking up which is normal. The reality is she tried to trap you into giving her a baby with zero regard for your life. It was about her and her life only at the expense of destroying yours. You chose to end it because you care about yourself as well. There is a reasonable way of doing things and her way was lunacy. Reread your thread frequently and remind yourself of this. When I was getting over my breakup, I used to write out why we weren't going to last..everyday.

 

Also, when you get close and intimate with someone. Your brain does change chemically. You develop neural pathways that translate to habits and patterns that you get accustomed to doing automatically in your life. Maybe you got used to that morning text, a nighttime call. A friday at her place on the couch watching a movie. Or maybe it was just those consistent daily thoughts of a future with this woman. Whatever it is, you got used to it.

 

So when you breakup, those pathways are still firing away, making you feel a void, making you feel like you need to go back to that way of life. You are still operating on that wavelength and it takes time to unlearn these things and break these pathways apart. This isn't something you can do immediately. You'll have spend months stimulating your mind into building new thoughts, new stresses. But little by little as time passes and you fill your mind up with other things, it'll break those old habits and patterns apart and you'll feel less of a need to return that old life. Give it time, it'll happen.

 

If you have the same routine has you did with her, try to change it up. Take up one or two new activities. Try something that challenges you or scares you. Things that help you work on your weaknesses and build skill. Things that generate emotional extremes that can force you to thinking about something else. Just don't overload your schedule though, because you don't want to use this as a means to bury your pain and anxiety. You want to use them as a stimulus to help you move forward. It's just as important to let yourself feel things so that you can work them out.

 

I'll remind you..grief is slow. I'm talking several months to a year, slow. Maybe more. It takes time to work through the pain. Because you're not just working through a breakup, you're also working through yourself as well. Your insecurities, your baggage, your fears etc. Don't expect things to happen on a finger snap. Avoid dating for awhile.

 

- Beach

Edited July 13, 2019 by Beachead

[Maddie82]

What on earth can I do from here?

 

You ignore those feelings and carry on with your life. You know what she was trying to do. You know that all you were to her was a sperm doner. You put this girl out of your mind and keep yourself busy. Contacting her in any form will be a huge mistake.

Edited July 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Reading_Josh]

Thanks everyone, i know you're all speaking so much sense, I guess our minds just wander in the initial stages of this. This has been a proper difficult day, but I haven't broken NC so that's something I guess.

 

 

I just hope it gets better soon and that all women aren't the same as this.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just hope it gets better soon and that all women aren't the same as this.

 

Well, had you ever dated before her? If so, I am assuming you already know all women are most certainly not like this.

 

Your emotions are getting the best of you, but we are not all baby-driven liars who needlessly make men worry when we claim to be pregnant - but oops, false alarm!

 

Come on, man. Give us a little credit here.

[Reading_Josh]

So, I thought I'd check in here and conclude this story as such.

 

First and foremost, thanks to everyone for their input, advice and opinions - not just in this thread, but across the entire forum. There are some very wise people on here and it's impossible not to follow the advice.

 

So, I have focused on myself this last month. Thrown myself into things, new hobbies, and new work. Haven't had time to dwell or focus on anything else which has been a godsend. I’m not dating, I’m not looking for anyone else yet. I’m just enjoying my own time and whatever happens will happen when the time is right.

 

I’d pretty much put all the ex-stuff to the back of my mind, but unfortunately I bumped into a mutual friend the other day, well I say mutual - but it was more a case of he knew her and worked with her. He had some interesting things to share.

 

He knew we'd split but said sheepishly how she’d moved on so quickly, I think he said it was a day after 'I did the deed' - or however he put it. He did say that they had been getting close for the week prior to me ‘ending it’. He said he's lost respect for her. This new guy she’s found isn’t even an old flame or a long-term friend, it’s a new fella on the block who just started at the same job – back in mid-June I think. He's 15 years her prime too.

 

But get this - she's already moved to another city and he's moved with her. They’ve both quit their jobs to start again and apparently start a family. What an absolutely moronic thing to do.

 

All I know is that I have had an extremely lucky escape here and she can keep trying to make it out that I'm the bad guy (which I know she has to friends), but I know I was the stronger one and the one who listened to my head and didn't get caught up in any of this bollocks. More fool this absolute sap who has seemingly agreed to it.

 

I wouldn't say I'm hurting or upset anymore, maybe a bit angry, but my main emotion is a bit of bewilderment as to what state her head is in - if she can find someone that quick and then quit her life to move with that person so quickly.

 

So, that’s it really! I guess the moral is to always be true to yourself – ask yourself if this is what you really want and if you are unsure at any stage where this is going, then don’t commit, don’t settle just to keep 'them' – enjoy your life as you want to enjoy it, don’t create a life for someone else to enjoy.

 

On-wards and upwards!

[Maddie82]

Good for you RJ. You sound very positive and that's great. I feel for that guy who doesn't realize that he is just a sperm doner. I wish you great things for your future

[Beachead]

You dodged a bullet friend. Good riddens.

 

- Beach