So lost right now.. can anyone relate?

[Lurker123]

7 hours ago, Beca L said:

This made me feel so sad because I know exactly how you feel. My mind is constantly playing tricks on me and I too have these same thoughts. How could I have had all these strong feelings about him and now I think did he really feel the same way for me ? If he did, how could he have gone back ? 
But as people have mentioned on my thread some of these MM do not have the capacity for deep love because you don’t hurt the people that you love if you can help it ! 
Here are some other good quotes from my thread: 

‘he lies, he manipulates. He is the manipulator. Be happy the trash took himself out!’

’He is where he wants to be period’

’judge people by the actions not words’ 

‘you are worthy of more love than this man could offer’ 

Finally this is a great quote I found on another site which I read a lot :

’ Anyine who lacks the courage to do the right thing and thinks that what he/she doesn’t know won’t hurt them - should be avoided like the plague because selfishness -as Jane Austin said - is the one flaw for which there is no cure !

We are here with you and you are not alone Lurker123. You got this. Xo xo 

Are these quotes from your thread Beca? I think this is a great idea to go through and pull all these points and reiterate them to yourself! These are valid points from outsiders who have read your thread and can give an honest, unbiased opinion. 
 

The time wasted plays heavily on my mind. I even said to MM at the start of lockdown, if it wasn’t for him, I could be going through this with someone else who I met in the meantime, who actually could be there with me, going through this whole experience with me, instead of sending the odd message here and there. That is not enough for anyone. 
 

The truth is we will never know why these MM acted the way they did or what thoughts went through, or are still going through their heads. There is no point in torturing ourselves by trying to guess why they did what they did. All we can do now is remain strong and try to move on the best way we can.

 

p.s I particularly love that last quote! I’m a massive fan of looking on Pinterest at motivational quotes- perhaps I will find a few this evening! x h

[Lurker123]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

He didn't' send an email at 9 in the morning outlining a legitimate plan as to how he was going to leave his wife and get a divorce...
NO, he sent an email in the early hours, no doubt from the safe confines of the toilet or the corridor or the study... saying he missed her...
Hoping I guess to trigger "feelings" which would give him an "in".

I did think of this Elaine! I had another email at midnight yesterday evening saying he ‘still missed me so much’. I woke up to it this morning and my first thought was.. clearly he’s so bothered he sent a quick email when BS went to bed to try and make sure I’m not forgetting about him. Not once has he made a concerted effort to set out any kind of plan to leave her- probably because he knows he wont.

 

I of course ignored this message and will continue to do so. Perhaps this is his ‘weekly reminder’  that he is still there in case I have a moment of weakness

Im sure when he received zero response he will eventually gave up and either try to focus on his marriage or move into the next willing EA partner... 

[Lurker123]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

Let’s hope he honours that request.

I really hope so. I really just want to move on with my life now!! 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

I had another email at midnight yesterday evening saying he ‘still missed me so much’. I woke up to it this morning and my first thought was.. clearly he’s so bothered he sent a quick email when BS went to bed to try and make sure I’m not forgetting about him. I of course ignored this message and will continue to do so. Perhaps this is his ‘weekly reminder’  that he is still there in case I have a moment of weakness

Im sure when he received zero response he will eventually gave up and either try to focus on his marriage or move into the next willing EA partner... 

Ugh. You were right elaine, I should have known better... I would block him in every way possible. 

Edited May 15, 2020 by BaileyB

[Lurker123]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Ugh. You were right elaine, I should have known better... I would block him in every way possible. 

I haven’t responded and I won’t. 
 

This is the one possible way is is unfortunately able to contact me. The fact is he has nothing worthwhile to say. He’s just trying to exert his final bit of power over me I think, hoping he can keep himself in my mind that little bit longer. 
 

It makes me feel stronger to be able to ignore it and not respond- so I’m trying to see it as a positive! 

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Lurker123 said:

I did think of this Elaine! I had another email at midnight yesterday evening saying he ‘still missed me so much’. I

So very selfish of him and like his other email, that he sent at the same time, I'm sure he was under the influence and feeling sorry for himself. I'm sure he does miss you very much but like others have said he is not prepared to take the necessary steps to leave and divorce to be with you. He just wants to keep you there in the back ground to use you when he wants to and when it suits him.

I'm so pleased you ignored him and I'm sorry he's not respecting your wishes. Stay strong  

[Beca L]

1 hour ago, Lurker123 said:

Are these quotes from your thread Beca? I think this is a great idea to go through and pull all these points and reiterate them to yourself! T

Hi, yes they are. I read my thread from the beginning a few weeks ago and wrote down so many of the great responses I received and I keep them in my diary and read them regularly just to remind myself how bad his behaviour towards me and his BS was. Also it helps me to not loose sight of the facts and the truth of my situation, especially when I'm feeling sad and down. I think you should do it  xo

[Beca L]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Just because he did not “choose” lurker does not mean that he is not capable of real love. After all, he is married to another woman - there is nothing saying that he doesn’t love his wife. This is his primary relationship, his primary obligation is to his wife.

I understand where you are coming from but my point is that these men are not really capable of loving anyone deeply. I doubt that he really loves his wife either, yes he's married to her and may have been for a long time but it can't be love otherwise why would he want to hurt her by cheating ? 

 

9 hours ago, Beca L said:

you don’t hurt the people that you love if you can help it ! 

His primary obligation may be to his wife but that doesn't mean it's love. 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I understand where you are coming from but my point is that these men are not really capable of loving anyone deeply. I doubt that he really loves his wife either, yes he's married to her and may have been for a long time but it can't be love otherwise why would he want to hurt her by cheating ?

His primary obligation may be to his wife but that doesn't mean it's love. 

I don’t disagree Beca. It’s not truly love in my opinion either. 

[notmyfinestmoment]

@Lurker123   You are SO strong to not respond to those.    I always think I want the validation of knowing he is missing me too, but I think of what @BaileyB says about the most loving thing they can do is to not contact us anymore because they can't change their situation.    

I think what you had said about the lockdown and him not being able to be there for you in a meaningful way really rings true.  It is those kinds of situations (death in the family, illness, etc.) that really made me come to a full stop with him a couple of times....and I know for sure had we been together when this lockdown started, it would have been the ultimate slap/final stop, so I am almost happy I had a couple of months of NC under my belt prior to that.        

Seriously so proud of the resolve you have!!!   

[Lurker123]

On 5/15/2020 at 7:10 PM, notmyfinestmoment said:

I think what you had said about the lockdown and him not being able to be there for you in a meaningful way really rings true.  It is those kinds of situations (death in the family, illness, etc.) that really made me come to a full stop with him a couple of times....and I know for sure had we been together when this lockdown started, it would have been the ultimate slap/final stop, so I am almost happy I had a couple of months of NC under my belt prior to that. 

Morning! Thanks for the reply and the support, I’m still holding strong and haven’t replied or unblocked him. I feel a bit ‘wobbly’ today, but know that’s because it’s been the weekend and I haven’t had as many distractions. Once it’s Monday and I’m working and homeschooling hopefully it will feel a bit better! 
 

What you say is so right. I know it sounds morbid, but I used to say to him ‘what if one of us died’ I couldn’t imagine the pain and the grief you would feel, that you would have to go through alone. No one would ever be any the wiser and you would just be left to go through that unsupported. I used to think about that a lot. 
 

These last few weeks have been when I have really needed some support. I’m so jealous (not in a bad way!) of my friends and family who have their partner with them through all of this and can see many of them becoming closer. It would have been lovely to have someone to bond with and spend this time with. The fact MM couldn’t even visit, let alone provide anything else, just proved everything to me. I really felt my position in the ‘pecking order’ and I think for me, that was the final nail in the coffin. 
 

I have zero idea why he would send further messages. The timing and the content just reiterates for me that I am a complete afterthought, so if anything they are reminding me to stay strong! I’m trying to think ahead of the future and hoping that there is more out there for me than this! 
 

I hope you’re doing ok and still staying strong? x 

[Lurker123]

Hey all. Has been a while since I’ve posted, but I’ve been reading all the updates and threads and observing from afar. I still sometimes feel it difficult to advise others as I don’t feel completely ‘out of the woods’ and never know if what I’m saying/advising is the correct thing to help others. 
 

I haven’t seen MM since my last post. I have ups and downs and days where I feel better and days where I feel horrendous and am not sure where to go from here. My biggest mistake was about a month ago MM emailed me about a work issue- I then had to leave the office and stupidly unblocked him from WhatsApp so we could continue to discuss it. I don’t know whether subconsciously I wanted to or whether I just felt ‘oh everything is ok now’ but stupidly doing that allowed him to slowly throughout the day start sending messages more and more off work topic. Looking back now I should have blocked him again immediately, but I didn’t. I did remain strong though and continued to tell him I was not interested in continuing the affair and that I was trying to move on with my life. He then messaged me maybe 2-3 times a week usually late at night and I would wake up to the messages. Nothing strong- just ‘I miss yous’ and ‘can’t stop thinking about yous’ etc. Very rarely did I reply and even when I did it tended to be to tell him that he needed to move on and that we were done. (And yes before anyone says it- I probably did like the attention, as breadcrumby as it was). Move on to yesterday. Get a lengthy message from him going into detail about how much he missed me/I was his soulmate/ how he couldn’t stop thinking about us etc etc. Something in me snapped and I replied a rather heartfelt message saying that I understood where he was coming from but what he was doing was unfair and he needed to accept the path he had chosen and leave me alone. We went back and forth a couple of times but it ended with me sending a rather harsh message saying he had zero courage and that words can be said by anyone, but only mean something when backed up with actions. I knew being the person he is he wouldn’t like the wording I used, so I turned my phone off and went to sleep. When I woke I had many message sent at various stages throughout the night. I won’t go into detail but you can imagine the grovelling nature they were, with a final one asking to see me. I replied asking him to leave me alone and that I didn’t want to hear from him again. A few hours later my phone goes off and I see the first few lines of the message and immediately feel sick- he tells me that his wife had looked at his phone whilst he was asleep and had seen a ‘draft’ message he intended to send to me saying he loved me etc etc. She had confronted him about it this morning and he wanted to give me the heads up. He said he managed to pacify her as she was threatening to walk and take their daughter and smooth it over best as he could, brushing it aside as a fling that was never physical during a bad patch in their marriage last year!! He then went into say that he wouldn’t be available to message as he needed to lay low and sort things out (I’m actually laughing as I type this at the patheticness of it!!!) but wasn't sure what would happen when he got home. I messaged him, told him to never contact me again, to leave me out of his s*** and then blocked him. 
 

Even typing this out I feel so stupid. The funniest part is he’s been found out when I don’t even want anything to do with him anymore and have told him to leave me alone countless times!! I’m now panicking I’m going to get a visit/phoneCall from BS. I know I need to fully accept the consequences of my actions if I do- but all the same it’s not a nice thought. Another niggling thought is- is this even true?? I sent the message to a couple of friends and they said it seemed like BS. But then surely that’s even more messed up? Why would he make that up unless he wanted to push me away- and I was already telling HIM to leave ME alone. 
 

My head just feels a mess and I just need for this to all be over! I never should have unblocked and I will not be making that mistake again. 

[BaileyB]

Who knows if it’s true, or if he is just vying for your sympathy. Poor guy, he was discovered doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing and now, he has to cover his own behind and pacify his wife. The fact that he would even use that word is disturbing to me.

IF she did discover the messages, it’s probably for the best. She needs to know the truth of her marriage and he needs to get his just rewards...

Edited July 31, 2020 by BaileyB

[Lurker123]

The thing is though- I guess it will just all be swept under the rug and forgotten about. She lives a charmed life with him and I guess can turn a blind eye to his shortcomings as long as he doesn’t openly admit them! I guess this was inevitable at some point either with me or someone else. I doubt he would hesitate to throw me under the bus if the time came. I guess all I can do now is try to finally forget and move on. I felt so sick to my stomach today and have finalised realised what a disgusting coward he actually is. 

[Amethyst68]

Why immediately be snide about the only true victim here? The person who if it's true has just had their whole world torn apart?

I understand you're hurt but you knew this man was married yet still had an affair with him. You have no idea what his BW will do, she's the only person who didn't have any input here.  It sounds like they have a young daughter, that fact will probably impact on whether she stays or goes.

[PhoenixRising8]

2 hours ago, Lurker123 said:

 I doubt he would hesitate to throw me under the bus if the time came. I guess all I can do now is try to finally forget and move on. 

He HAS thrown you under the bus ... time and time again.  He has also thrown his marriage under the bus ... 

[Lurker123]

1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said:

 

Why immediately be snide about the only true victim here? The person who if it's true has just had their whole world torn apart?

 

 

Sorry if it sounded that way. I apologise. I know she is the victim. I take responsibility for what happened which is why I haven’t seen him or entertained him for a long time. I hold my hands up that I should have blocked him sooner though. I do fully accept my part in this and it’s cost me my marriage, my home and my dog not to mention my self respect so I feel like I’ve had my comeuppance so to speak   

 

I just feel angry he walks away yet again. He even had the balls to message me (the one app I forgot to block him on) not so long ago and say BW might ring me and gave me instructions on what I should say and under no circumstances should I reply to his message!! Needless to say I deleted and blocked immediately.
 

I guess the one good thing that has come out of this- is that if I had any reservations at all that ignoring him and ending the A all those months ago was a mistake- at least today has proved everything I needed to know. I actually feel sick! 
 

Anyways, I’m not looking for judgement- just giving more of a warning to others who might be in a similar situation. It will always come back to bite you in the arse! 

[Amethyst68]

I wasn't judging you but understand what you've put into the relationship and lost is nothing compared to the BW here. Ok she may stay in the marriage but I doubt it's for love.

It's easy for people (and I'm not talking about you here) to take pot shots at the spouse for staying but I think it's so simple to do that from the outside. I say it myself that I'd never stay with a cheater but then I've never faced life as a single parent on a restricted budget. If I did then who knows what I'd do. 

The good thing is you now know for definite what his character truly is. If the wife does contact you just be concise and factual. There's no need for extended communication. Once you've answered her questions just go NC with both of them and  go on with your life.

Go to IC if you need it, there's definitely something and someone better for you out there.

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

I just feel angry he walks away yet again. He even had the balls to message me (the one app I forgot to block him on) not so long ago and say BW might ring me and gave me instructions on what I should say and under no circumstances should I reply to his message!! Needless to say I deleted and blocked immediately.

Good for you. He actually asked you to help cover his but with his wife. I don’t think so...

[Lurker123]

16 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

I wasn't judging you but understand what you've put into the relationship and lost is nothing compared to the BW here. Ok she may stay in the marriage but I doubt it's for love.

It's easy for people (and I'm not talking about you here) to take pot shots at the spouse for staying but I think it's so simple to do that from the outside. I say it myself that I'd never stay with a cheater but then I've never faced life as a single parent on a restricted budget. If I did then who knows what I'd do. 

The good thing is you now know for definite what his character truly is. If the wife does contact you just be concise and factual. There's no need for extended communication. Once you've answered her questions just go NC with both of them and  go on with your life.

Go to IC if you need it, there's definitely something and someone better for you out there.

Thank you. It’s easy sometimes to forget about BS. I guess in my mind she didn’t feel real. I do feel horrible for what she is likely going through though. I just know that MM is such a smooth talker (I can think of many times he said things to me I know weren’t true- but done in such a way I would doubt myself) he will likely smooth things over and as I said above, it will be me thrown under the bus. I hate the thought of him telling her I have been contacting him and he’s been ignoring me, when in fact it’s been the complete opposite! I know he will completely downplay what we had. He already said earlier he told her it was just a ‘few messages last year’. I almost wish I had picked up when she rung me now (she has tried to call me since my original message) and told her everything. I am honestly very worried about my job though as being a single mum myself, I can’t afford to lose that as well.

I've blocked him on everything now except my work email, which for obvious reasons I cant.
 

as for counselling I had it at the beginning of the year and it was what gave me the strength to finally end things with MM. I have generally been in a good place recently, despite having a few days ups and down. I just want to close this chapter of my life now and move on. 

[Lurker123]

15 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Good for you. He actually asked you to help cover his but with his wife. I don’t think so...

I felt so sick when I read his message! I had busied myself down the gym and food shop and came out to 2 messages ‘instructing’ me what I should say and at the end of each one ‘DONT REPLY’ What a complete and utter spineless **** 

[LaceyMcAntire]

On 7/3/2019 at 3:08 PM, notmyfinestmoment said:

I agree, blocking seems harsh which is why I haven't done it. I've realized I have to take control of how I handle the contact when he makes it.

That was really brave to move forward in your divorce out of fairness to your husband. And I can see where you feel that it was a difficult choice, but the right thing to do and questioning why he isn't doing the same. I often wondered that...how he does it. I couldn't fake it like that, I would be miserable. The only thing I can think is that when they have children (mine had a younger daughter as well), it is unbearable to think of only living with them every other weekend. They also worry about hurting their spouse and everyone else around them (family, friends, etc.) because what they are doing is purely for themselves. It is definitely not a decision that should be taken lightly. The last thing you would want is for him to decide that and then regret it and go back (I've seen that happen with people several times on this site). Also, I don't know what country you live in but in the US, while going through a divorce process and before a custody agreement is in place, she could make things very difficult for him and that can drag on for a couple of years, so there is some validity to that.

 

We had direct contact last week. He called with tears a week ago after several weeks apart and we met up. He said he was miserable and the time apart was getting worse instead of getting better. We spent the day together with the intention of talking, but that didn't happen because we were just enjoying being together. A couple of days later, we saw each other on the way into work and that it where the reality slap came in for the last time. The person that I was so close to a couple of days before, the person that says I love you has to pretend I am just a casual friend on the street. It was awful. We had a talk after that and he had said that the time apart really made him reflect. That he thinks about us together all the time and there is only one solution and he has been thinking about it, but wants to make sure he can live with the consequences. I had thought maybe he had figured some things out when he re-engaged, but he really hadn't....he just misses us and doesn't know what to do. I was nice, told him I love him and that I always will but I think the right thing for him to do is to stay where he is. He said he loved me too and would forever. He followed up with a long IM about how wonderful I am and that I have changed who he is as a person...that he didn't realize how happy he could be. That he doesn't know how he is going to get through this and all he can think about is losing me. That I deserve someone who isn't attached. Stuff like that. I didn't respond...honestly, what could I say. That is the last time we communicated. I am just trying to let him go.

 

I think you are still in the early stages and he will definitely re-engage because a few months ago, when I would try to walk away, mine would do just what yours is doing (Are you ok)?. I wish I could tell you that you will be past this in a couple of months, but you probably won't. All I can say is that I hope you are stronger than I have been and can be more resolved in your decision. Time apart will get harder before it gets better. That will be the worst part for you I'm afraid.

 

Hang in there and reach out when you need to. I'm here for you!

Just curious, do you notice that the less initiation you make, the more he tried? Ive read alot of these posts and although I am not in this situation, it does somewhat interest me to know if men do that.

[LaceyMcAntire]

On 7/4/2019 at 7:19 AM, Lurker123 said:

Thank you everyone who has replied and given me advice. I honestly appreciate it more than you will ever know. The fact you’ve all taken time to comment means the world. It’s so nice finally hearing opinions and other people’s situations after so long of not being able to speak to anyone about this.

 

Today has been massively hard I can’t pretend it hasn’t been. I haven’t heard anything at all from MM and usually when I end things he bombards me with messages until I reply. I know this is for the best and this is what I asked him to do, but it still completely breaks me that I think he’s finally given up on me and moved on after all we said to each other and how upset he saw me only a couple of days ago. I hate myself for even thinking like this about it all- I know NC ia the only way forward- but I sat down at lunch time and had a little cry because I feel so alone and honestly miss him so much. I’m trying to stay strong but I feel like if he asked me to speak to him I would- just because I miss his voice and him making me laugh.

 

Thanks again everyone x

How are you doing now? I see it has been almost a year, are you finally moved on and over it??@

[Lurker123]

31 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said:

How are you doing now? I see it has been almost a year, are you finally moved on and over it??@

Read my latest update on the previous page. I haven’t seen MM in many months, but I did still think about him a lot. Something like this you don’t just get over quickly unfortunately- although what happened today will sure as hell speed up the process  

In response to your other question- yes I did at times find that MM was more pushy and ‘pestering’ when I pulled back and ignored him, hence where the ‘push pull’ factor comes in which is very common in affairs. OW pulls away/MM starts chasing again so as not to lose his bit on the side/tells her what she needs to hear/reels her back in/pulls away again. This creates a massive emotional rollercoaster for OW as you can go from feeling on top of the world when you have his full attention to feeling like sh*t on the bottom of his shoe when he ignores you. It’s toxic and awful for ones emotional well-being.

id be interested to know if anyone who has followed my thread thinks that my MM may have narcistic tendencies? I always associated one trait of a narcissist with lack of empathy and he did always seem to show empathy towards people, although today has proven otherwise. Of course it could have all of been a show and in fact he never really gave a single toss about any of the people he mentioned! 

[LaceyMcAntire]

2 minutes ago, Lurker123 said:

Read my latest update on the previous page. I haven’t seen MM in many months, but I did still think about him a lot. Something like this you don’t just get over quickly unfortunately- although what happened today will sure as hell speed up the process  

In response to your other question- yes I did at times find that MM was more pushy and ‘pestering’ when I pulled back and ignored him, hence where the ‘push pull’ factor comes in which is very common in affairs. OW pulls away/MM starts chasing again so as not to lose his bit on the side/tells her what she needs to hear/reels her back in/pulls away again. This creates a massive emotional rollercoaster for OW as you can go from feeling on top of the world when you have his full attention to feeling like sh*t on the bottom of his shoe when he ignores you. It’s toxic and awful for ones emotional well-being.

id be interested to know if anyone who has followed my thread thinks that my MM may have narcistic tendencies? I always associated one trait of a narcissist with lack of empathy and he did always seem to show empathy towards people, although today has proven otherwise. Of course it could have all of been a show and in fact he never really gave a single toss about any of the people he mentioned! 

I apologize, Im new still, I guess I just read alot fo your older posts and got too curious  I will make sure to check the entire post and comments before replying! Im so happy for you that you have moved on, good for you! Does he still try to contact you or is he still blocked?