Found her diary: I'm pissed

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have no reason to hate her.

 

Actually, you do, but I'm glad you're choosing not to. It's better for you in the long run.

 

Happy Canada Day.

[emotionallybroken9]

@Schlumpy

 

I have told those that I needed to tell. The order was:

Loveshack, a coworker (as I was breaking down at work), Best Friend to help me process, Brother, Parents and siblings, Individual Counsellor, Barber (He went through this and is supportive), Massage therapist (She went through this and is supportive)

 

I told my parents and siblings the complete story. Shockingly, they've asked me to give her a chance if she's willing to change. Did NOT see that coming I told them that it's no longer up to me, nor do I want to waste any more of my life being used up. They're sad but understanding, as I've changed as well and seem much happier now.

 

I haven't told her family. That's her journey to take. I haven't told her friends either. That's her life. I would never want to rob anyone of the opportunity to grow, and it starts from within. There's no gain in me telling her side of friends or family. No reason to keep tabs on her. Time to move forward, right?

 

I am taking medication, but not pills. I'm reading, venting, exercising, eating healthy, sleeping early, meditating, not watching too much TV, cut out social media (for years actually), no porn, no drugs or alcohol, just being as healthy as possible, and it's working

[pepperbird]

Reverse. I'm the Canadian and she's the American. I tried to protect our identities, and if someone that knows us stumbles on here, they'd be able to connect to the dots to my identity and hers easily.

 

In Canada, you can't get a divorce without a 9 month separation. You can't work without citizenship.

 

 

 

 

I'm Canadian, and trust me, I don't know who you are .

 

Op,

I;m not sure where you're getting your information. In Canada ( if that;s where you're living) most facets of divorce are a provincial purvey, including division of property. There is a mandatory separation period one year before you can apply for divorce, however, you can seek one before that if one of the two conditions are met: "

Also, a Divorce can be granted without the one year of separation if you can prove that your marriage has broken down for either of the following reasons:

 

• Your spouse had sex with someone else after you married (adultery), and you did not forgive the adultery or live together for more than 90 days after finding out;
  
• Or your spouse was physically or mentally cruel."
   
  source:https://divorce-canada.ca/divorce-in-canada-faq
   
  Also, she doesn't need to have citizenship to work here. In fact, one of the expectations of immigrants is that they seek employment as soon as possible. In most cases, one can't even apply for citizenship until four years of permanent residency, and they are expected to be working or have some other form of support during that time.
   
  I'm not trying to pick at you. Just explaining that, if you are still living up here. you may have more rights and options that you realize. I've been in your shoes, and know how hard it can be to keep a cool head under the circumstances. You are actually doing really well. You'll get through this.
  

[emotionallybroken9]

I'm Canadian, and trust me, I don't know who you are .

 

Op,

I;m not sure where you're getting your information. In Canada ( if that;s where you're living) most facets of divorce are a provincial purvey, including division of property. There is a mandatory separation period one year before you can apply for divorce, however, you can seek one before that if one of the two conditions are met: "

Also, a Divorce can be granted without the one year of separation if you can prove that your marriage has broken down for either of the following reasons:

 

• Your spouse had sex with someone else after you married (adultery), and you did not forgive the adultery or live together for more than 90 days after finding out;
  
• Or your spouse was physically or mentally cruel."
   
  source:https://divorce-canada.ca/divorce-in-canada-faq
   
  Also, she doesn't need to have citizenship to work here. In fact, one of the expectations of immigrants is that they seek employment as soon as possible. In most cases, one can't even apply for citizenship until four years of permanent residency, and they are expected to be working or have some other form of support during that time.
   
  I'm not trying to pick at you. Just explaining that, if you are still living up here. you may have more rights and options that you realize. I've been in your shoes, and know how hard it can be to keep a cool head under the circumstances. You are actually doing really well. You'll get through this.
  

 

Thank you PB <3

As far as I know (heh, a statement that has so much truth behind it, eh), they haven't had anything physical; only emotionally connected with pictures, videos, audio, emails, sexting. So that's out.

 

She hasn't been cruel enough for the courts to recognize it. I can even admit that. She just used and hurt me. She was attempting to run away and preserve her life.

 

As soon as she became a permanent resident, I got her into school again, then helped her get her job. She makes as much money as me. She's going to start out her life in such a better standing compared to how I did. I had a family of three to raise on 3 part-time jobs, day and night. I got them a home, daughter in school AND daycare, before she was able to start school. Thought giving the wife 3 days off of baby duties while I double worked would give her a chance to find herself. She sure found something, lol.

 

I was a single parent raising two people in my home. Now it's down to raising my daughter (if she lives with me), and taking care of only one adult instead of two.

 

I appreciate all the constructive criticism, and even the bad ones, because I'm sure it's frustrating to see/think that I'm making bad decisions.

 

Thank you for the love and support, it's so helpful you guys have no idea know <3

[JuneL]

“As soon as she became a permanent resident, I got her into school again, then helped her get her job. She makes as much money as me.”

 

So she’s been working for a while? Then she should be free to leave if that’s what she really wants.

 

Sorry I understand you’re not in a good mindset. But I’m also a little confused by your descriptions. So she was able to study and then get a job as a permanent resident in Canada (equivalent to a green card in the US)? Also, if she’s from the US, her qualifications should be recognized in Canada, why did she have to go to school again?

[emotionallybroken9]

No worries JL, it’s the consequences of online communication. She had a college degree in something that doesn’t get her a job. She was in Canada for 2 years with me, waiting for the sponsorship program to accept her as a permanent resident. Without being PR, people here are essentially nothing. She didn’t get money, benefits, taxes, anything. She was just an alien that I was supporting until she got her PR.

 

When she got her PR, she could’ve worked random jobs, but I encouraged her to get a specific certification (1 year program in a college here), so that she could work as an educator. She did the full time program for one year from September 2018 to April 2019. Her affair was allegedly from June 2018 to March 2019, plus the lying up until June 2019.

 

She’ll be able to make as much money as me when she gets a full-time position. Until then, she’ll have to supply and be on call. Will take her a while to get a full time position, but until then, she’ll have to be on call and supplying like I did.

 

The difference is, she’ll have savings from the loans/grants she got as a Permanent Resident. She’ll have a car that I helped lease in September to get her to/from school. She’ll have only herself to feed. QUITE the contrast to me: had maybe 1000$ in savings to start my family, find an apartment, finish up my certification (3 years ago), send daughter to private daycare 3 days a week (50$ a day on supply work was a struggle, but did it to give my wife a break from being 24/7 mom while waiting for PR), 3 mouths to feed, and sending her and kiddo for summer/Christmas vacations every year, with me renting a car and driving 10hours+ to see them.

 

She’ll have a much better start than me. She’ll have to supply, but with much less pressure than me. If I could do all of that, she should be fine NOW. She’ll be able to start supplying in September 2019. There's summer school, which I'm working, from July 2nd to August 2nd.

She wouldn't be able to get any shifts. Before then, she has to find her own place. Not gonna concern myself with how, as I had to do it ALONE while they were in the US at grandparents place. Google and weed were my only support for 3 years.

 

Of course she did some baby caring stuff, and getting some furniture, but I'll be honest and say that I would've done that had she not done it. I HAVE done that, and then some. I did it all with 3 people to take care of on non-steady work. She can start that life too. Funny, in the diary thre were pictures of her and kiddo at rivers and stuff, with an entry: "Could I work not forever? :)"

 

Yes, she could've. But now, she has to survive and work until the next person that enters her life. As for me, I love what I do Took me a long time, but I got the career that I love. It's not a lot of money, but with Canadian benefits it's quite a nice life. And now with stability, I'll be able to improve my credentials and finances. So funny, because now I have payed off all of my debts. She may end up giving up the car lease to me since it'll be tough to pay it, but hey, she can experience what it's like working 3 jobs and getting no support from a spouse. It builds character as you are never allowed to stop. Heh, little bitter about that, but glad it's in the past.

Edited July 1, 2019 by emotionallybroken9

[Orokotikki]

Gird yourself with the armor of contempt for the time being. You have every reason to be angry. Pour anger as fuel into exercise, and practical steps.

 

Have you met with an attorney yet? If you have already had 1-2 meetings great!

If not, make an appointment today with 2-3 different ones for this week.

 

It is important to understand your rights, and avoid any mistakes which may cost you.

 

It is not your duty to keep her betrayal secret from her family, I would reconsider this, she may very well accuse you of things to her family as a way of explaining the situation.

 

On the one hand who care what her family thinks? Well if her whole family believes some nasty lie about you it will make the lie seem more convincing if you child is exposed to it. Just consider this.

 

I know this is a very hard time for you and many people, are pulling for you.

 

As for your family pushing forgiveness, take that with a grain of salt, all they can possibly think to counsel is to leave or to reconcile, explain you just need them to listen, and take to time to protect yourself and consider the future and options.

 

They know you are in pain and whatever they counsel is just an expression of their hope for your pain to ease.

[mark clemson]

Definitely mention the diary when you speak with a lawyer and see what he says about it.

 

Honestly she sounds like a real mess. It's too bad you became loyal to a person like this. Maybe if she goes to this OM one day she'll become HIS PROBLEM. Poetic justice I think.

 

But to read that she didn't leave simply because she would have to work? Or she was depressed being a housewife? How about the husband that worked 3 different jobs, WHILE ALSO being an EQUAL, if not GREATER home partner. Cooking, cleaning. I never had a break.

 

Makes me glad I have a psychological requirement that my partner have a job. Something to think about once you start looking for a new GF (which no doubt won't be for a while...)

[aliveagain]

Get the best lawyer you can afford. Listen to him/her. She can't take your daughter out of the country without your approval. You can do a lot better then someone like her. Read up on the 180 and make the 180 your new mantra. Stay no contact with her unless it's about your child or finances. Take her off your credit cards, banking, don't finance her affair. Get tested, cheaters lie.

[emotionallybroken9]

Hey MC, oro, and alive again. Thank you for your support.

 

Yesterday I got the last of my questions answered. I feel at peace with the whole thing now. She’s completely given up, and this makes it easier for me to give up. I can still feel that cursed white knight syndrome in me when she started panicking about her finances and life, but I have to just “let it go.” It’s really really hard for me, because I’m forcing myself to let go. I know it’s for the best, but still leaves a dark feeling in my gut to see her like this. It’s really hard for me to not help people in need, not just my stbxw. I like to help people in general, unless it puts me out of my way then I won’t. She panicked about finding a new place. I gave her suggestions. I was about to do the research too, but stopped myself because I didn’t want to be a white knight anymore.

 

I’ll see an attorney this week hopefully. If anything, we should both go into it knowing how to move on to the next step after separation. I don’t know how to act around her/to her. I don’t know if I can be friends or whatever with her. Like being friends with a dead pet, or a robot version of your best friend. Still, I must move on. It’s what we both want. Hopefully we both just use the same lawyer and it turns out to be an amicable divorce.

 

I have my 2nd IC session in 20 minutes. I hope he has something to ask because I don’t know what I have to say anymore it’s weird. She said the marriage wasn’t working for years. It was never going to work since I was the one actively working for it, while she was actively working to leave it. I feel like such a tool right now. I wish she had the courage to just leave, but guess that’s why she used me for finances until she was completely ready to leave. Now she’s freaking out because she’s without an apartment, has to find stable work ASAP, and has debts/loans/lease to pay off. Really sucks to think of her character as one to use me like this, and for so, so long.

 

Got her a citizenship, degree, car, job, and a child. She had a husband that was working hard for his family, and for the betterment of everyone. She had someone that would’ve done anything under the sun for her. Guess that’ll be for the next woman in my life. I’m glad I am who I am now, but I wish it didn’t cost me my 20’s. I didn’t do a lot of things because I was married to her. Wonder if she feels the same. Too bad she was the one that kept us married. this is the closest I’ll ever get to regretting being married to her. Just the lost time and memories that I could’ve made, instead of working hard for her and our marriage. I never regretted that until I realized I was doing all the work, and for nothing too. Feel like such an idiot.

 

Is it wrong to hope for the best for her, even though we’re divorcing? Even though she cheated? Is that white knighting, or just me being a nice guy in general? I don’t know anymore. I didn’t know a lot about her apparently, and now here I am, still confused about life. I’ll keep working and moving forward. I’ll try to follow 180 as much as possible, but it’s hard. Like giving up yet another addiction.

 

I hope for the best for the three of us. My daughter will be hurt, but should be fine. I don’t ever want her to think she could do something that’ll make me cut her out of my life. I dread the day she does something wrong and keeps it hidden, thinking I’d never forgive her. I just want them both to be happy and safe, including me.

 

Sigh. It’s raining outside. Anyways, this is dragging on. Thanks again all. Really appreciate the love and support. I come here often to read it and feel safe. <3 wish me luck with IC.

Edited July 2, 2019 by emotionallybroken9

[JuneL]

Since she has been a stay-at-home mother, I assume that you’re legally required to support her financially until she finds a job? In other words, you’ll need to provide alimony (at least for a while) in addition to child support. She is also entitled to part of your retirement fund, in many jurisdictions. Also, why is she the one who is supposed to move out, again, legally? I understand that, morally, she has wronged you, but you can’t just kick her out without supporting her at least for a while. You’ll most likely have 50-50 custody as well.

[Orokotikki]

Sorry to hear EB, I know its rough.

 

Follow through with legal proceedings ASAP, dragging it out is only more painful for all.

 

Let her figure her own **** out.

And yes you can kick her out.

Just tell her to get her stuff out and figure it out.

Yes, she can resist and refuse.

But just deal with it and be insistent.

Do not physically remove her.

Do not move out yourself.

It is legal to change the locks on your house and I recommend it.

She can however show up, and if she has enough audacity insist on entering by calling police to enable her to do so.

 

Just be smart and work on detaching.

 

Its rough. and it will get worse before it gets better, but I promise you eventually it will get better and you will be OK.

 

BTW if you IC doesn't 'get it' or 'click with you' or has no background handling infidelity trauma, just find a different one. I met with 3 before I met one who was also a BH.

 

 

EMERGENCY edit!

By a VAR from walmart and carry it at all times around her.

She sure seems rational now but as reality crashes in men often fall prey to false domestic violence or other charges. Just have it recording in your pocket when she's around to protect yourself. Hopefully you will never need any of the recordings, but $45 and five minutes reading the manual might keep you out of the county jail.

Edited July 2, 2019 by Orokotikki

[emotionallybroken9]

Hey June and oro. Thank you. I don’t think she’d attempt to “force” her way in. She seems the most honest I’ve seen her in years. All, and I mean all her stuff is packed and ready for her to go. She’s an adult and she can handle herself, just as I have for all these years.

 

I’m in a good place now I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been, most financially stable, and most optimistic for the future~

 

I’m going to go away from LS for a bit, and come check up on fellow BS’s and WS’s to chime in from time to time.

 

Truly, thank you all for being so open and helpful. This is a new chapter in my life. A brighter one. I’ll continue with IC, make changes when necessary, and continue to positively affect my life

 

Seriously, thank you all. Keep up the love. Keep up the good work. You’ve affected this human’s life in ways that I can’t even begin to to describe. No wait, I did, haha.

 

<3

 

Best regards,

 

EmotionallyStable9

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Best regards,

 

EmotionallyStable9

 

 

Love it!

[schlumpy]

Guess that’ll be for the next woman in my life. I’m glad I am who I am now, but I wish it didn’t cost me my 20’s. I didn’t do a lot of things because I was married to her.

 

I hope you will better soon.

 

Before you get in new relationship how about doing those things you missed out on? Canada has many wonderful national parks. Take advantage of them.

 

Best Wishes

[pepperbird]

 

Before you get in new relationship how about doing those things you missed out on? Canada has many wonderful national parks. Take advantage of them.

 

 

 

This is awesome advice. OP, you have been through such a tough time. Is there any way you can take your kiddo for a camping trip? It's inexpensive and can be a lot of fun. If you're in Ontario, Bruce and Algonquin are beautiful. Out east, the provincial parks in Nova Scotia and NB are well maintained. I highly recommend Campabello Island,and there's' even a ferry trip to get there. when my family took the trip, we got to see whales, dolphins, sea birds and lots more along the way. You're also in a quiet place surrounded by nature, which can be really healing.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

....I can still feel that cursed white knight syndrome in me when she started panicking about her finances and life, but I have to just “let it go.” It’s really really hard for me, because I’m forcing myself to let go. I know it’s for the best, but still leaves a dark feeling in my gut to see her like this. It’s really hard for me to not help people in need, not just my stbxw. I like to help people in general, unless it puts me out of my way then I won’t. She panicked about finding a new place. I gave her suggestions. I was about to do the research too, but stopped myself because I didn’t want to be a white knight anymore.

 

 

Is it wrong to hope for the best for her, even though we’re divorcing? Even though she cheated? Is that white knighting, or just me being a nice guy in general? I don’t know anymore.

 

Hi. You are clearly a super good guy. You just gave your heart to the wrong person. I don't think it is so necessary to change that great heart you have, but rather be very selective about who you share it with across all aspects of your life.

 

Hope you don't mind my sharing the following thought: when you said you had laundered, folded, and neatly packed her clothes for her to move-out, I was surprised. If it were me, I would have shoved all her clothes into garbage bags (not even paying attention to clean vs. dirty) and put them outside the front door, or just inside the front door...and I consider myself a pretty nice person most of the time, too nice in some circumstances. If the person cheated on me, they can do their own d*mn laundry.

 

I hope you find a nice lady, when you are ready, who will love and care for you in equal measure. Do not give up on your daughter! Don't let your daughter think you didn't fight for her, because she may grow up resenting you believing you did not care enough. This is in response to you saying your daughter will probably return to the States and you won't see her anymore...just NO to that!