Tristian Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 After cleaning up two pages of people debating on whether or not the relationship has been kept secret, I will remind everyone that the only person with firsthand knowledge of the situation has already answered that question. Let's move on.
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 I dont know, if you suspect people around town may know, I just dont get how you believe its out of the realm of possibility that your spouses suspect. Truth is, most spouses suspect, wayward spouses are never as good as they believe they are. My thinking is either they know and dont care, or aren't involved, interested or care enough to know. Ultimately them knowing doesn't change anything, you two know and have no intention of changing the situation. I don’t suspect anyone knows! I said ya sure that’s a possibility just because you all are relentless about someone knowing. As of now only a couple counsellors in next city have ever heard any of this in real life. Let it goooo
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 DKT3 I would say most BS suspect something is amiss and they brush it off and decide they are just being silly, insecure and decide to trust. In this case, if the spouses have picked up on something between the two (and no doubt they have), I would say it is more of that nature. As a woman, I would decide that my husband and my friend couldnt both be stabbing me in the back. Maybe I would feel they are extremely close, but more like brother and sister love. Exactly. We’ve had new people in town ask if we were cousins!!! We are family that’s the dinamic go the outside world here. Sorry to burst so many bubbles. Not everything is out in the open.
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) Like OP s husband I traveled alot during her affair. My wife had been my closest friends since we were 17 and it was obvious to me that she was up to something. I was fully invested in her and picked up on slight changes in her behavior and mannerisms..... You are so far off base I knew you had to be comparing me to your own situation. Now it makes more sense. I’m not your wife. Guess I’m a better actress. Edited July 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 I don't think all affairs are exposed at all. People go to their graves in the middle of affairs. People have kept it secret for decades, so your situation isn't unique in that respect. I agree. It’s unique to lots that post here, but definitely not in the grand scheme.
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 I’ve been away sorry I missed so much. This isn’t a movie. I haven’t so much as got to kiss him in three weeks. It’s not as if I’m flaunting my attraction to him in front of my kids or anyone else. In the beginning we were risky. Now it’s different.
Naivewomen Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 AutumnMoon, are u still emotionally and pshycially connected to your spouse?
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) AutumnMoon, are u still emotionally and pshycially connected to your spouse? Ok so this is where it’s hard. My husband is gone a lot so when he comes back and we are doing good it seems like MM and wife aren’t doing as good. And vice versa. It would be more of an issue if they were not away a lot I’m sure because even though I think we compartmenatalize it’s obvious to me that it’s hard to have both relationships in sync at the same time. I am connected to him.. when he’s home. Also seems like we are all happiest when we are all four together. Even though nothing is going on I’m that time ‘affair wise’ I’m with my three favorite adults. It’s really conflicting Edited July 25, 2019 by AutumnMoon
Bittersweetie Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Autumn, I am sad for you (not pity, just sad). I am sad that you cannot be your authentic self in your one life. I see someone who cannot be her authentic self with her family because there's a secret affair. I see someone who cannot be fully authentic with her affair partner because there is always a small chance of discovery. I see someone who cannot be fully authentic with her friends and community, again because of a secret relationship that would hurt others in the community. My situation was a lot different than yours. After my affair I pulled myself back together piece by piece and found my true, authentic self. The people who love me and are closet to me are fully aware of the choices I made, and they choose to love my current authentic self despite that. I am much happier than I was in the affair, or even before, now that I can be who I am without hiding anything or keeping any kind of secrets or wearing personal armor. Maybe I'm completely off base, and you're completely in control of the situation and chill about it. I guess I just feel sad because as someone who lived with secrets and armor and then lived honestly and authentically, the latter is so, so much better. But I'm me and you're you and it is what it is. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) ......Maybe I'm completely off base, and you're completely in control of the situation and chill about it. I guess I just feel sad because as someone who lived with secrets and armor and then lived honestly and authentically, the latter is so, so much better. But I'm me and you're you and it is what it is. Not off base at all. Totally accurate and probably why I come here. It makes me sad to, and I’m so good at pretending I’m not to everyone else that I pretend I’m not in my own head to much to. I’m scared to lose any of them and that’s a big part of all of it. Why I can’t seem to end any of my relationships with any of them. As strong as I seem to everyone who knows me, I’m inside codependent and scared to be left. I hope one day it’s different. I’m in control of how I’m perceived. And that’s it. Edited July 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) I’m in control of how I’m perceived. And that’s it. No, you are not. You have absolutely no control over how other people perceive you... if that's what you are implying. I can well imagine that the image you try so hard to project, is far from how you are perceived by others. It usually is, for most people... Edited July 25, 2019 by BaileyB
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 No, you are not. You have absolutely no control over how other people perceive you... if that's what you are implying. I can well imagine that the image you try so hard to project, is far from how you are perceived by others. It usually is, for most people... I’m a hardworking mother who is involved with my community and that’s how I’m seen. I don’t have social media and I grew up here I know everyone in town, thanks for the concern but I do know how I’m perceived.
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) I’m a hardworking mother who is involved with my community and that’s how I’m seen. I don’t have social media and I grew up here I know everyone in town, thanks for the concern but I do know how I’m perceived. I grew up in a small town and my best friend's mother was a hard working woman who was involved in many school and community activities. She was also having an affair with my father's best friend... I'm simply saying, there is only so much you can control. I'm sure that it must be difficult not to worry about what you are projecting and how that is perceived when you are keeping a big secret. It must be very stressful. But in truth, to think that you in any way control how you are perceived by others, or that it will even matter if/when you are discovered, is probably not very realistic. Edited July 25, 2019 by BaileyB 1
Abetterme Posted July 25, 2019 Posted July 25, 2019 OP - Forget trying to convince the forum that others perceive you in a positive way. How does this situation make you feel about YOURSELF? That’s what I had to step back and ask myself to break free of my own horrible situation. Did I like going against my belief about what was right and wrong? Did I feel good about betraying my husband while he unknowingly thought our marriage was fine? Did I feel good about spending time on a message board distracted by the life that was in front of me because of the choices I’ve made. I don’t think you feel good about any of this and that’s why you continue to post. It’s almost as if people giving you any real feedback feeds the fire that you need to stay in it. It’s you and MM against the world. Maybe people will find out, maybe they won’t. It’s just sad you have to live this way and don’t make changes to be truly happy and as bitter sweetie stated so well, authentically. I hope you get the strength to do so in the future. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 25, 2019 Author Posted July 25, 2019 So much of the ‘advice’ People post to me here isn’t in my best interests it’s for the others involved. I think I respond openly to the people who are really trying to help ME. Yes it can be stressful and exhausting. I have not ruled out that I’ll eventually be able to end what’s going on, or my marriage. Right now it feels like I’m in a bubble that could pop. It’s safe and relaxed for the most part in here but I’d be an idiot to not know it could blow up. I know
Bittersweetie Posted July 26, 2019 Posted July 26, 2019 Two things. One, I've been obsessively watching Brene Brown videos this week, and one of the things I've taken away from her talks is that one can't truly experience joy without vulnerability. I can see how you would not choose to be vulnerable, even with the people you care for most: because vulnerability would open you up to uncertainty and risk and emotional exposure, and challenge your current actions, challenge how you want people to see you. Brene Brown talks about the positivity of being "the real you" and you cannot be that right now...because of these choices you made and the ramifications of them. Unfortunately not until you deal with your choices will you start to move toward the authentic you, a place where you will not care how people perceive you, because the peace comes from inside. Second, you mention it being stressful and exhausting and I just wonder how this baseline level of stress that you've had for years affects your health. I'm no medical professional, but it can't be good long term, right? It's like you're in a constant low-level state of fight or flight. Just a thought. 1
Beentheretoooften Posted July 26, 2019 Posted July 26, 2019 @bittersweetie. Just finished the gifts of imperfection. I highly recommend it to everyone. 1
SpiceCat Posted July 26, 2019 Posted July 26, 2019 (edited) So much of the ‘advice’ People post to me here isn’t in my best interests it’s for the others involved. I think I respond openly to the people who are really trying to help ME. What advice were you seeking? What’s your question? Edited July 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
oldlion Posted July 26, 2019 Posted July 26, 2019 I am really fascinated by your story. I was born and raised in a small, rural, southern town where everyone was either acquainted with, knew about, or was friends with everyone else. It was almost impossible to keep the secret you have for seven months, not to mention seven years. If your town is anything like the town I was raised in, then somebody (besides you and your AP) knows. Is it possible your husband knows and also has a secret that you don't know about. You say he does travel a lot. Do you really know everything he does on his trips? I really would be interested in how you think you have kept such a big secret in such a small rural town where everyone knows everyone else. Unless everyone in town is asleep, then someone knows. Just the opinion of someone who was raised in a town much like yours. I do wish you well.
Turning point Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 I’m scared to lose any of them.... I’m inside codependent and scared to be left. Yet, you behave in a way that may actually guarantee the eventual loss of all of them? Seems more like a preemptive strike. Each of these people are already leaving you in various ways - your husband who works away, the lover who swings is in and out with you like a pendulum, and his wife who also travels. In reference to how you are perceived, you mention: control. If you believe that how you are perceived is something you control - are you not with this affair simply establishing the perception of: "I Left You First?" It's like your affair is a suit of armor for that inevitable day when any one or all of them leave.
Turning point Posted July 27, 2019 Posted July 27, 2019 (edited) .. ‘advice’ People post to me here isn’t in my best interests it’s for the others involved. I think I respond openly to the people who are really trying to help ME. IMHO there isn't any advice I could give you. The situation you've created is not repairable. I'm not happy about that, it makes me rather sad. A long term spouse swapping affair like this will eventually result in the end of both marriages (even without discovery) unless one or both BS have also silently approved it for their own selfish interest. For that approval be true, they would have to be consciously aware of it. You're satisfaction is predicated on the lack of confrontation, communication, or meaningful disruption. I don't think the circumstance of your living arrangements allow for that. This is a no-win situation for either BS. I don't think you fully understand what is meant when we say "they know." I at least, am referring to a state of unconscious knowing which is a person who understands intuitively that the house is haunted and looks no further. The occasional chills or creepy feelings are preferable to confronting something unseen and potentially dreadful. This state can last a very long time, but it seldom lasts forever. The primary relationship (intensity) is between you and the affair partner. As a result, you report a cycle of alternating hot and cold relationships between each married couple when one or both are reunited. This is what we should expect to see in a state of conscious unknowing. More often than not the BS will reach a point where they leave without needing to know. They become "conscious" and without any care to know more. I don't think confrontation is a necessary part of how this ends. Perhaps you could end the affair and each return to a full investment in your own marriages while this remains an unspoken history. I think that is unlikely because you have already indicated the man you prefer is the other woman's husband. I can't guess at where his head is at, but men who can eat cake seldom leave the desert buffet. Edited July 27, 2019 by Turning point
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 29, 2019 Author Posted July 29, 2019 (edited) OP - Forget trying to convince the forum that others perceive you in a positive way. How does this situation make you feel about YOURSELF? I am not trying to convince anybody of anything. I come here to get my thoughts out and to provide support to anyone that might message me. I don’t really care what the people here think of me Edited July 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
Abetterme Posted July 29, 2019 Posted July 29, 2019 (edited) Yes, OP you’ve made that clear. I’m sorry you seem to have missed the point of my post which was asking how this all makes you feel about yourself and how you can proceed in a way that will make you happy and be truly authentic. Edited July 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Unproductive to topic
pepperbird Posted July 30, 2019 Posted July 30, 2019 op, as I'm sure you already know really well, a situation like this carries a lot of risk. What plans do you have in place to help mitigate that risk? Also, what plans have you made should your affair be discovered? Have you and mm made a plan?
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 Yes, OP you’ve made that clear. I’m sorry you seem to have missed the point of my post which was asking how this all makes you feel about yourself and how you can proceed in a way that will make you happy and be truly authentic. I didn’t miss the point. I’ve talked about it before. It doesn’t make me feel fantastic if I think about it to hard of course! Why I’m in counselling.
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