Almost 7 years in

[BaileyB]

Why do you stay with your husband?

 

There is nothing stopping you from leaving the marriage, setting up a home for your children, and potentially being with your MM after the dust settles and time moves on... With enough time, you could come together like two “single” people do - and nobody will be the wiser.

 

ETA. I see in your previous thread that you said you were leagally separated, your MM was moving toward separation with his wife, and your plan was to live separately for a year before making your relationship public. What has changed? What stops you from doing this...

Edited June 23, 2019 by BaileyB

[darkbloom]

It really seems anything I put in writing here is going to be looked at as me trying to justify this.

 

This affair started after a very close mutual friend was murdered. Not having our spouses to lean on we leaned on each other.

 

It happened slowly and then all at once.

 

We both were raised in very abusive homes. And seemed too choose spouses to take back our power. My husband like my father his wife like his mother. We both struggled with addiction for years and yes have both talked about each other in therapy to me told these trauma bonds were a recipe for disaster. Like teenage rebellion almost.

I get it’s ****ed up.

 

I believe in a lot of ways we saved each other and now are so co-dependant it seems impossible to lose each other.

 

I know it’s possible.

The thought kills me.

 

 

And there it is. You’ve identified the co-dependency. You are teaching your children this even if you don’t intend to. Have you tried therapy? I think having a neutral party to discuss your trauma with would help you see the situation in a new light.

[AutumnMoon]

ETA. I see in your previous thread that you said you were leagally separated, your MM was moving toward separation with his wife, and your plan was to live separately for a year before making your relationship public. What has changed? What stops you from doing this...

 

To get a divorce here you have to live apart for a full year. There was a death in our family as well as other circumstances that we just went to counseling like I said above in the first post on the thread and tried to fix things.

 

I’d literally need to write a book, it’s been a lot.

 

We have went weeks and months trying to just stop it’s never taken. So hard when you live close. And it’s pretty easy to say just leave. There’s 7 kids involved, we are like family.

 

I keep getting told it’s not unique but sure seemed non typical at the very least.

 

I am not ending it.

No intention what so ever right now.

 

No. In no way could we come together as single people after even a long length of time, I would not do that to kids or spouses.

 

Leave, end it.. does not need to be the only advice offered here. I wasn’t asking for advice or direction,more just checking in and giving my opinions I’ve been reading/posting since 2014 at least?

[whichwayisup]

 

I am the primary caregiver for all the children, including MM’s.

 

Just curious why you're his children's primary caregiver? What about his wife, shouldn't she be their primary caregiver since she is their kids mom? I'm a bit confused.

[imsosad]

I remember you from way back.

While reading your post, I was thinking that a relationship that nobody gets usually indicates underlying emotional problems. You've identified several in later response posts.

I get that everything seems to be a huge mess, but bottom line is, your posts are excuses over and over.

I left my husband with 4 young kuds, to be with my AP, who left his wife with a toddler and a baby.

Six kids in total (now seven, we have a child together), 2 angry BS, a lot to take on.

We did take it on.

One thing people, and children in particular, can not stand, is obscurity. You've been living a non defined life for nearly a decade. Married to one man, loving another, raising children that are not yours, but are not your step kids either.

Clarity and honesty may cause acterrible mess, but in the end do less damage than what's going on now. Nothing abiut the situation sounds healthy. You're in deep denial if you think the kids are not affected. Like the classic cheaters' line, what s/he doesn't know, won't hurt her/him.

If this does come to light one day, how do yiu think your children will respond to all the time, attention and effort you out in to his kids?

I know it's unfair to judge, but having crossed the line from unhappy marriage to a happy R with my AP, I can't imagine letting fear and deception run my life for years.

People around you will eventually accept everything. You guys are not doing anything to be together. It will involve a lot of work, but eventually will enable you ti create a nirmal, healthy, clear household for you children. Why are you not doing anything to break tjis status quo?

[somanymistakes]

To get a divorce here you have to live apart for a full year.

 

my sympathies, that's one of the problems we've been dealing with as well. the point of the law is, of course, to try and stop people from divorcing, because it makes everything really complicated and expensive. and especially in a situation like yours where moving out would be extra levels of confusing.

 

However, I still don't think that giving up and deciding that nothing can ever change so you have to lie forever is the best approach.

 

No. In no way could we come together as single people after even a long length of time, I would not do that to kids or spouses.

 

Why not? Because if you're worried about hurting them, well, that boat's already sailed, hasn't it?

 

I can understand feeling like you have to keep mum at the moment if the kids are still young, but... It's not fair to the kids to be using them as part of this lifestyle that you're hiding from them. Don't they deserve to know who you are? And that you do love them?

 

The best I can suggest, and it's not great, is to wait until the kids are old enough and THEN just tell everyone the truth and let the cards fall where they may. Yes, feelings will be hurt. Yes, some of the kids will shun you for a while. However, if you tell them yourself, they are much more likely to forgive you eventually.

 

LIFE IS COMPLICATED. And young people these days are generally much more aware of how complicated things are. For most people it's no longer the world where 'divorce' is a mysterious and unspeakable word. Instead teens are familiar with gay parents, parents getting sex changes, open marriages, all sorts of things.

 

It's not easy. It's not easy at all to face the consequences of the truth.

 

The easy thing to do is to avoid conflict and keep seeking secret comfort.

[AutumnMoon]

Just curious why you're his children's primary caregiver? What about his wife, shouldn't she be their primary caregiver since she is their kids mom? I'm a bit confused.

 

 

Both my husband and his wife are often away for work.

 

No not together.

[AutumnMoon]

We are leaving in the next hour for a family trip. All of us, I am excited but my stomach is in knots at the same time.

 

Has anyone else had a relationship like this?

Where you have vacationed together?

I love making memories I hate hiding my real feelings.

[pepperbird]

I think you are so deep in denial that you can't see what;s right in front of you.

 

 

You say your are all tied in knots over a fmaily vacation, and you think your kids/spouse don't sense this at some level? Do you think it's not affecting them?

 

 

Also, are you sure the reason you aren't asking for a divorce isn't really because you are too afraid about how it will affect you and it's not really about your kids and how it will impact them?

 

 

I'm not trying to be snarky, it's just that you seem to be doing a hell of a lot of lying, a lot of it to yourself. Do you consider yourself to be an honest person? If so, all this deception has to be taking a toll and impacting you in ways you may not even be aware of. What are you doing to ameliorate that?

 

Is it all worth it? All this heartache to yourself, your spouses and your children. All this pain, and for what?

[Hope71]

Not judging ...I don’t see how you could still be doing this after 7 years. 3 years was even way too long for me. I would really hate myself if I did it longer than that.

[Beentheretoooften]

@hope. Do you think someone out there is saying to you. I don’t see how you could still be doing this after 3 years. 6 months was even way too long for me. I would really hate myself if I did it longer than that.

Your 3 years is the max for something like this? Perfect. We’ll know for next time. I’m not judging.

[Hope71]

@hope. Do you think someone out there is saying to you. I don’t see how you could still be doing this after 3 years. 6 months was even way too long for me. I would really hate myself if I did it longer than that.

Your 3 years is the max for something like this? Perfect. We’ll know for next time. I’m not judging.

 

Honestly I don’t care what someone else is saying. I made my bed and I have to lie in it . Everyone else’s timeline is different than mine and that’s just simply my opinion I didn’t say she was a terrible person for it ... everyone else is stating their opinion so am I .

[somanymistakes]

We considered going on a trip together, him and his wife and me (this was during the early phase when he and I were still trying to be "friends" and waffling over whether he should stay in his marriage or not).

 

Of course, his wife knew everything about our relationship, since we were not hiding or lying about anything. So you can imagine how much fun the three of us would have had together, with her glaring at us both the entire time!

 

We decided it was better not to go than to go like that. So just the two of them went, and she glared at him all the time anyway. It ended up being almost their last trip together.

 

The years of waiting were miserable but now we can have vacations that are just us.

[PhoenixRising8]

 

I don’t talk to anyone aloud about my feelings with this. So every six months to a year I wonder back here, binge read and send a smoke signal out to anyone who may be feeling alone and going through something similar.

 

 

You know, I think you may be in the wrong sort of forum. Most here are trying to recover and need support to do that. You situation is entirely different. You are a long term OW and happy to remain that way. Your situation is not typical, even with long term OWs here. If you are looking for support from OWs content to be that way and want advice or opinions from that standpoint, you might be better served and receive far less judgement if you google true support for OWs. Just a thought ...

[Tristian]

The OP is in the right forum. The description on the OM/OW forum states

 

The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Nowhere does it say this forum is reserved for OW/OM looking to reform or even leave their relationship.

 

Conversation of those that are content in their relationship are perfectly valid here and will be offered the same respect and consideration as anyone else on Loveshack.

[BourneWicked]

I wonder if it would have been possible for your two families to set up as a partner-sharing foursome years ago and save this mess?

 

It's good to see you're okay, but sad to see that there's no hope for anything better. I'd think that must be exhausting, feeling like there's no possible light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

I actually love this. The unexpected recent result of my A is that we (my SO and I) are probably getting married and planning on having an open relationship.

 

Monogamy is overrated, but honesty isn't.

[Azathoth]

The last year has really been intense.

Both of us discussed divorce with our spouses but after time both tried counselling for the kid sake.

I really don't get this "try for the kids sake" when you're actively sabotaging it. The whole thing is a charade.

[InvisibleLady]

I actually love this. The unexpected recent result of my A is that we (my SO and I) are probably getting married and planning on having an open relationship.

 

Monogamy is overrated, but honesty isn't.

 

Bourne I read your story a while back, but may have missed an update. Does your MM still contact you? Does your SO know about him now?

 

(Sorry for T/J Autumn!)

[lolita888]

I will never understand the "Stay for the Kids" reasoning....

I am someone who always wish for my parents to just divorce. That is much better than staying with these parents who clearly doesn't love each other anymore or had a hunch that my mother is cheating but couldn't do anything about it. Children are not as stupid as what their parents thought. You may think they know nothing but you'll never know. They may already knew it even before their father found out about it.

[Beentheretoooften]

More often than not, the mm is the one that uses that excuse more because he would see the kids less. I’m not sure it has to do with the parents actually raising their kids together, correctly. Generally, the MM would be the one seeing the kids less as he moves out

[AutumnMoon]

More often than not, the mm is the one that uses that excuse more because he would see the kids less. I’m not sure it has to do with the parents actually raising their kids together, correctly. Generally, the MM would be the one seeing the kids less as he moves out

 

 

 

Why would it be assumed the man would move out?

[somanymistakes]

Not for any rational reason, because it certainly doesn't have to be that way, but a lot of people's default expectations are that divorce = "dad moves out, sees the kids every other weekend, that's it"

 

And certainly at some times "every other weekend plus one afternoon in the middle" was a standard custody share given to the parent who didn't have primary custody. Mine was less than that, I saw my dad about one afternoon a week total (not like he wanted more than that either).

 

These days the expectation is closer to 50/50 in most of the US, but not everywhere. Some places, the split is still quite strongly divided. And from the amount of complaining people who've gotten bad court outcomes do (which is reasonable, if you get screwed in court you should complain) some people have very confused ideas of what a "normal" outcome is.

 

Most people don't do a lot of research on their opinions! They jsut go with what they vaguely heard somewhere.

[SpiceCat]

I actually love this. The unexpected recent result of my A is that we (my SO and I) are probably getting married and planning on having an open relationship.

 

Monogamy is overrated, but honesty isn't.

 

I assume that what you mean by this is that everyone should be able to decide this for themselves..not that it's ok to horn in on someone else's monogamous relationship simply because you don't believe in it.

[Amethyst68]

More often than not, the mm is the one that uses that excuse more because he would see the kids less. I’m not sure it has to do with the parents actually raising their kids together, correctly. Generally, the MM would be the one seeing the kids less as he moves out

 

You'd be surprised, have a look at infidelity websites, staying for the kids is one of the main reasons for staying for the BS right up there with financial. The reason is not altruistic, most of them would rather do anything rather than give up time up with their kids, especially if there's the prospect that they would spending time with AP.

[Beentheretoooften]

I was simply saying, generally, the mm moves out. So more than 50%. Ive never heard the mw using that as an excuse. But true, it was not based on any statistic that I read.