SpiceCat Posted July 17, 2019 Posted July 17, 2019 You'd be surprised, have a look at infidelity websites, staying for the kids is one of the main reasons for staying for the BS right up there with financial. The reason is not altruistic, most of them would rather do anything rather than give up time up with their kids, especially if there's the prospect that they would spending time with AP. To be fair though, just because that's the reason the married person gives does not automatically make it true.
Turning point Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 You say you haven't been discovered.. but, I'm almost certain that's not true. You've simply not been confronted. It likely doesn't serve either of your spouses to do so right now. My ex though I was in the dark about a lot of things for a very long time, even longer than you've been playing. In the discovery process (court papers) she learned she was mistaken. Her counterclaim was severely hampered as a result of her ignorance.
somanymistakes Posted July 20, 2019 Posted July 20, 2019 My ex though I was in the dark about a lot of things for a very long time, even longer than you've been playing. In the discovery process (court papers) she learned she was mistaken. Her counterclaim was severely hampered as a result of her ignorance. In some states if you know and choose not to act within six months then you lose the right to count the infidelity as fault grounds.
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 You say you haven't been discovered.. but, I'm almost certain that's not true. You've simply not been confronted. It likely doesn't serve either of your spouses to do so right now. My ex though I was in the dark about a lot of things for a very long time, even longer than you've been playing. In the discovery process (court papers) she learned she was mistaken. Her counterclaim was severely hampered as a result of her ignorance. Nothing affects claims like that here. I’m Canadian I could have 100 affairs it would not affect a settlement. I also make my own money. We have not been discovered but thanks for the concern.
SpiceCat Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 You can’t know whether or not you’ve been discovered unless you ask your betrayed spouses. Maybe you should do that!
Turning point Posted July 21, 2019 Posted July 21, 2019 (edited) I doubt your affair is a secret. That comes through rather clearly in the way you describe the behavior of other people around you. I think you're blind to that reality either by arrogance or choice, which is the same reason no one really cares to bring it up. I'm pretty sure that anyone who has regular access to your family situation has figured it out. A lack of confrontation is not a lack of knowledge. It's not "claims" that make the difference in a divorce - it's motivation. When what you thought was secret turns out not to be on a scale you never realized - it's very motivating. Edited July 21, 2019 by Turning point
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 No I’m sorry the type of relationships I have nobody would sit on the confrontation. It would be like a bomb going off. I am very well aware of that, there is nobody in my real life that knows anything about the affair save for a couple counsellor and therapists. Trying to plant seeds of doubt where that’s concerned won’t make me suddenly fall out of love.
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 21, 2019 Author Posted July 21, 2019 You can’t know whether or not you’ve been discovered unless you ask your betrayed spouses. Maybe you should do that! You don’t think we have had conversations about infidelity? I don’t know how this will all come to an end but I know it will not be with a sudden confession.
SpiceCat Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 You don’t think we have had conversations about infidelity? I don’t know how this will all come to an end but I know it will not be with a sudden confession. So your husband and his wife are aware of the affair?
SolG Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 WasnÂ’t looking for congrats, and only sounded proud I guess because I said havenÂ’t been caught? I just meant because everything I used to post here had certain users saying I would be soon, confess confess!! Shame Shame Shame. Sorry. I jumped the gun and wanted to avoid those responses off the hop and cane out worse. I donÂ’t talk to anyone aloud about my feelings with this. So every six months to a year I wonder back here, binge read and send a smoke signal out to anyone who may be feeling alone and going through something similar. Hi AutumnMoon I don't post on here anymore about my A, but we're coming up on nine years together. There are some salient differences in our circumstances in that my MM's W knows and accepts our R, as do those closest to me. And I'm single, bi and non-monogamous; I have no desire for a traditional relationship with MM, or anyone else for that matter. But I do understand the burden of secrecy. While my affair is open in a lot of ways... it's also not in a lot of ways. For example he can, and does catch up with my family. But we are also meticulously discreet, in a lot of contexts where I'd rather not be. We can attend the same professional functions, but not as a couple. He can visit me at work as a close friend and colleague (and vice versa), but not as the anchor partner he actually is to me. I get that you must feel incredibly constrained being in a relationship with no avenue to share it, no avenue of public expression. That must be very isolating and exhausting. But the rub is that when you choose a relationship like yours, that comes with the territory. You either leave - which you, like I, have expressed you are not willing to do - or embrace the bad along with the good. And the risk. And that there's highly likely not going to be a happy ending to your satisfaction. I get the feeling from your posts that you have done so. And also accept that posting somewhere like here is likely to result in condemnation. Regardless of your motivation for writing. 1
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 22, 2019 Author Posted July 22, 2019 So your husband and his wife are aware of the affair? No. They are not.
SpiceCat Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 No. They are not. So then you have no clue how your husband and his wife would react nor do you know if they already know.
Tristian Posted July 22, 2019 Posted July 22, 2019 After clean up I'll remind everyone once again that our civility & respect guidelines are in full effect here. Those wishing to challenge that will receive a no expense paid vacation away from Loveshack. if you have nothing helpful or constructive to add please move on without comment.
Turning point Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 Trying to plant seeds of doubt where that’s concerned won’t make me suddenly fall out of love. That's not the intent, You can do you. The affair isn't what interests me. I'm familiar with the high level of enmeshment and the blind spot that you have as a result. The point is that silence is not ignorance, and lack of a response is not confirmation of what you prefer to believe. The enmeshment does more than enable your affair - it creates a very different response from a BS than what you would expect to see in a typical affair, even between in-laws. It's not even remotely possible at this point that your spouses and family are unaware; at best they are consciously non-responsive. They are affected none the less so, the question isn't IF there's an impact, it's WHEN and HOW does it manifest.
sandylee1 Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 Many people have conversations about infidelity, but when it comes to them, things can change. In a few cases I've known, the wife was searching for infidelity as an excuse to have her own affair. She went as far as hiring a P.I and when she has her proof she was elated.... she was then able to have an affair with no guilt and had her story lined up if she was ever caught. Some people who talk about an affair being a dealbreaker are right in the middle of one as they say it.
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 23, 2019 Author Posted July 23, 2019 So then you have no clue how your husband and his wife would react nor do you know if they already know. I can say for almost certain how they would react and that they do not know. I have full access to my husbands accounts and I’ve known him just short of 20 years in my early 30’s I’ve said before and tried to explain again , Both of our spouses work away a lot. It’s not like we are doing this with them in the next room. In the very beginning we were really risky but it’s not like that now. In any case just about everything you have said doesn’t make sense for my situation. I do not think my situation is completely unique there is many people going through the same thing ... I think it’s different from what you’re used to seeing. Neither my husband or his wife are the kind of people to sit on any kind of confrontation.. He absolutely would not for more than two seconds.
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 23, 2019 Author Posted July 23, 2019 That's not the intent, You can do you. The affair isn't what interests me. I'm familiar with the high level of enmeshment and the blind spot that you have as a result. The point is that silence is not ignorance, and lack of a response is not confirmation of what you prefer to believe. The enmeshment does more than enable your affair - it creates a very different response from a BS than what you would expect to see in a typical affair, even between in-laws. It's not even remotely possible at this point that your spouses and family are unaware; at best they are consciously non-responsive. They are affected none the less so, the question isn't IF there's an impact, it's WHEN and HOW does it manifest. It is remotely possible. It’s the reality. People would be shocked. This is not a movie. We live in a very rural area very secluded in a small town. Although it makes for a much bigger betrayal And I know that.. We live together basically like family. Nobody thinks it’s more than that I don’t know how close you are to the people around you but I would be confronted in one second.
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 23, 2019 Author Posted July 23, 2019 I think maybe it’s hard for others to accept that it is still in secret because that means that people could pull one over on them like that. I am sorry if that makes you uncomfortable it’s my reality.
Author AutumnMoon Posted July 23, 2019 Author Posted July 23, 2019 Many people have conversations about infidelity, but when it comes to them, things can change. In a few cases I've known, the wife was searching for infidelity as an excuse to have her own affair. She went as far as hiring a P.I and when she has her proof she was elated.... she was then able to have an affair with no guilt and had her story lined up if she was ever caught. Some people who talk about an affair being a dealbreaker are right in the middle of one as they say it. Yep, I get what you are saying. I’m sure there are people in town who wonder if it’s a possibility. But I know for a fact that his wife and my husband do not think so. I don’t have to go into why I know that but I do.
DKT3 Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 I dont know, if you suspect people around town may know, I just dont get how you believe its out of the realm of possibility that your spouses suspect. Truth is, most spouses suspect, wayward spouses are never as good as they believe they are. My thinking is either they know and dont care, or aren't involved, interested or care enough to know. Ultimately them knowing doesn't change anything, you two know and have no intention of changing the situation. 1
Starswillshine Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 DKT3 I would say most BS suspect something is amiss and they brush it off and decide they are just being silly, insecure and decide to trust. In this case, if the spouses have picked up on something between the two (and no doubt they have), I would say it is more of that nature. As a woman, I would decide that my husband and my friend couldnt both be stabbing me in the back. Maybe I would feel they are extremely close, but more like brother and sister love.
DKT3 Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 Like OP s husband I traveled alot during her affair. My wife had been my closest friends since we were 17 and it was obvious to me that she was up to something. I was fully invested in her and picked up on slight changes in her behavior and mannerisms. Of course my mind didn't to right to cheating but her affair was also much shorter in duration. Once I suspected I paid even closer attention. Even once I had strong suspicions I did and said nothing, looking back i believe i just wanted it to go away. Wont go away if i confront it. Slowly i detached. Point being after seven years its almost impossible to believe that the spouses dont suspect. I guess she gets some level of comfort in convincing herself they dont suspect. 1
Turning point Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 I... I would be confronted in one second. I don't see any reason for that to be true. There is absolutely no benefit to either spouse to change or confront this, and in many ways it appears to work to their advantage. Pulling the wool over people's eyes is your characterization, but I don't see it that way. I think it's your level of confidence that is out of sync with the details of what you describe. Your affair is 7 years old, and there's no sign that anything external is going to change but, I don't think it's your discretion that gets the credit for that.
sandylee1 Posted July 23, 2019 Posted July 23, 2019 I don't think all affairs are exposed at all. People go to their graves in the middle of affairs. People have kept it secret for decades, so your situation isn't unique in that respect. 1
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Autumnmoon seems confident that the spouses are unaware, but what about the kids? Kids can be very perceptive and can know a lot more about what is going on in the adult world, than adults may give them credit for. 1
Recommended Posts