People who stay while being aware of possible cheating

[Gaeta]

Furthermore, with all due respect you don’t get to decide what else should be added to this thread. The entire LS community does and me. ☺️

 

 

I don't understand why you say that, I am not deciding of anything in your thread, I was just asking what you want to talk about as cheating is a very broad subject. As for the word debate or conversation, it's all the same to me, English isn't my native language.

[kendahke]

 

I’m just curious to know when does one decide to accept a situation where someone cheats like as a pattern. Or they have suspicions and proof often.

 

I know people who’ve been married for more than 20 years and one of them has a lover.

 

I’ve left men for a mere suspicion or cheating or he was very controlling. I’m not sure if my sanity would be in tact had I not left. Flip side is I’m still single. I have a bf but I’m not married and never been.

 

I think they accept it when they weigh how far they can get without the finances of and the emotional ties to the cheater that they determine if they're capable of/interested in making that move. Until they are, they're not going anywhere.

 

"Peace of mind, home and heart" is my life mantra. I must have all 3 to be happy.

 

If any of them is disrupted, then there is a problem that I need to address.

 

I have forgiven and not dumped a cheater. Know what I got for it? Being cheated on and played for a fool again. It impacted my peace of heart and mind and we can't have that. Other women may not be bothered by that as long as the bills are getting paid and they don't have to move out of their home.

[Lotsgoingon]

Short term people stay, I sense, because they go through periods of denial ... hope ... and because let's face it--people like the public face of being part of an intact marriage. And they want to "protect the kids."

 

Short term, people are often just paralyzed ... and so they hang in there. Also if you're just dis-empowered in the relationship (often times a woman with no independent income or in a society that frowns upon women divorcing men) ... they stay and tell themselves stories like "at least he comes home to me at night."

 

If people stay long term ... there are endless possibilities. One of the most common is that the betrayed person emotionally and physically withdraws from the intimacy of the relationship and so they become a roommate couple--sometimes a hostile roommate couple, or just a platonic roommate couple. (Side note: I'm fascinated by how blind adult children are to this dynamic in their parents' marriages. It's like children, even adult children, are just constitutionally incapable of seeing their parents' relationship clearly. I suppose it's understandable that most of us do NOT want to see that relationship clearly.)

 

On the other hand, some long term people who stay are those who head to marriage counseling... and really work it through and reach some deeper level of closeness. (I was skeptical of this possibility for the longest, but I've heard so many interviews with marriage counselors who say this happens all the time--I'm now convinced.)

 

I know a couple in which one of them cheated several times ... but the cheater was also quite a nurturing, doting, attentive spouse--if you can imagine that! I think the cheater's guilt led them to be extra nice to their partner--almost like compensation. I sense the betrayed partner knows of one of the affairs.

 

This couple didn't have an intense sexual bond to begin with. They have more like a business partnership, like two entrepreneurs with similar ambitions ... who joined together to encourage each other's success in building their respective businesses.

Edited June 21, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[Gaeta]

Here are some interesting statistics:

 

* Men don't marry their mistresses and when they do 75% divorce

 

* 45-50% women cheat

 

* 50-60% men cheat

 

* 62% of married people say they'd leave if cheated on, in reality 70% of couples stay together.

 

https://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Rates_of_Divorce_for_Adultery_and_Infidelity

[Curiousroxy86]

Hmmm I am really not a statistics person but I could have sworn most recent findings are more 20-30% men slightly above woman....I wonder what the sample sizes are when they do these statistics.

[Gaeta]

Hmmm I am really not a statistics person but I could have sworn most recent findings are more 20-30% men slightly above woman....I wonder what the sample sizes are when they do these statistics.

 

They were saying in the article that women cheat more then they use to. Also it's interesting to read cheating happens more before the age of 30 and after the age of 55. All my examples of cheating in my first post involved people under 30 or above 55.

[mark clemson]

I believe I could tolerate a pure EA of finite duration with a definite end. It's just "yearnings" and it's something I understand.

 

That's a pretty limited set of conditions. If it went PA, depending on how far it went, it would probably be a deal-breaker.

 

Knowing myself (at least I think I know myself) I'd probably try to stay at first, but use the PA as an excuse to "do whatever I wanted" for a while. Which would open the floodgates for me and it would just turn the marriage into a slow (or possibly fast) motion trainwreck.

 

So I guess now I have enough meta-cognition to recognize that wouldn't work - so I'd just leave due to PA. Simpler and ultimately a lot less stress on all involved. So, thanks for asking this.

[schlumpy]

Plus I’m pretty loyal until I have reason to not be. At which point I’ll just leave the relationship I’m in if I feel like I need to cheat.

 

I assume you would give fair warning to your SO?

[Mr. Lucky]

Children (IMHO a misguided reason, but very commonly cited, IMHO dumping a cheater is a highly valuable lesson to teach a child).

(actually almost all of the above could be argued to fall under #1)

 

Children do complicate the picture. I stayed and made an (unsuccessful) attempt to reconcile after my ex-wife's affair simply because we had a young son together and I felt I owed him the effort.

 

As I've gotten older, I've learned to use words like "always" and "never" less often...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mysterio]

Reasons for cheating is not getting physical/emotional needs met within the relationship.

 

I can't see myself with my lady when I have one. She and I get along and she is affectionate towards me. I can't see how I would let another woman into my life like that. How could it happen? It would be another woman pursuing me in a romantic way. No way would she be able to get me. The woman that is my main squeeze has me that way. How could she top that.

 

That's why I think most women should really drain their male partner's sexual aura so to speak. Make sure that side is not wanting for much. There is the odd guy that a woman can't tame. The rest of us. Making out and making love on a regular basis would drain us from seeking it out beyond our established romantic relationship with our Wives/GF.

[surferchic]

I assume you would give fair warning to your SO?

 

Ahhh no. Lol.

 

I just mean that I’d likely leave the relationship without an explanation of why specifically.

[muse08]

Reasons for cheating is not getting physical/emotional needs met within the relationship.

 

I can't see myself with my lady when I have one. She and I get along and she is affectionate towards me. I can't see how I would let another woman into my life like that. How could it happen? It would be another woman pursuing me in a romantic way. No way would she be able to get me. The woman that is my main squeeze has me that way. How could she top that.

 

That's why I think most women should really drain their male partner's sexual aura so to speak. Make sure that side is not wanting for much. There is the odd guy that a woman can't tame. The rest of us. Making out and making love on a regular basis would drain us from seeking it out beyond our established romantic relationship with our Wives/GF.

 

Ahhh. Now this is a refreshing truth. Thanks Mysterio.

 

I can see this as a solid fact for many men. Especially if the relationship is pretty solid. Otherwise, novelty wears off and the either partner can get bored. ?

[kendahke]

 

That's why I think most women should really drain their male partner's sexual aura so to speak. Make sure that side is not wanting for much. There is the odd guy that a woman can't tame. The rest of us. Making out and making love on a regular basis would drain us from seeking it out beyond our established romantic relationship with our Wives/GF.

 

translation: it's the woman's fault the man cheats.

[muse08]

translation: it's the woman's fault the man cheats.

 

Yep.

 

I was being a little sarcastic in my post but I think that’s how so many men legitimize affairs.

 

We all know of plenty of cheaters who are getting regular sex at home. Some GREAT sex. But again, when novelty wears off people in general seem to not know what to do.

[Mysterio]

Two types of men. One that can not be tamed. One that never really needed taming in the first place.

 

As I said before. I think that if a woman drains her man with a lot of physical affection. He won't be looking for it. What I should also add is that a woman needs a man for her emotional needs. Which is let the woman vent about her day and life. Or at least 70 % of the time. You can't be super aloof and cold and never let that woman vent/talk things out about her life.

 

That's just my observations.

[Orokotikki]

Seen the same or similar excuses used by female cheaters.

Fact is, cheating is on the cheater.

No one held a gun to them and said they had to, they all had the honorable and less harmful option to leave.

[OatsAndHall]

If I've lost trust in an SO, then it's time to step away. And here's a good example why:

 

 

 

I had the strong feeling that my ex-wife was stepping out on me for about six months before a HUGE read flag popped up and we split up. I never tried to dig up proof she was screwing around; I just didn't trust her. Those six months were miserable for me; I was anxious and kept doing the mental gymnastics to try and convince myself that I trusted her. And, this wasn't healthy, by a long shot. For example, we got into a huge fight over a harmless mutual male friend of ours who was posting on her FB page. I was edgy, had lost trust in her and deflected that lack of trust onto that guy during the argument my ex-wife and I had.

 

 

 

"He's posting on your page way too much, I don't trust him!"

"He's married, why is he paying so much attention to you on Facebook!?"

"He's probably one of these guys that's using Facebook as a dating website!!"

 

 

Obviously, I sounded like a completely paranoid idiot all because I was a mess and wouldn't face the fact that I didn't trust her. She passed all of this on to him after we split and he and I haven't spoken since.