Author ctdans Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 Thanks folks. I did talk to my kids (who are adults) and I will let them come to their own conclusion. I am talking to an attorney to see what rights I have. What really pisses me off (beyond the expected betrayal crap) is the fact I am NOT a kid. I am at the end of the road where in a marriage you work so hard to have all your finances in order, kids educated and married and moved on, and you are looking to down size and buy that retirement home. So now I am literally at that point in life but instead of my life partner I am alone and instead of dual income (pension and SS) I will probably have a mortgage. Small one but still my retirement gets moved a few more years than I planned on. And yes I will find some counsel to keep my head straight and NO I don't want all the questions answered. I honestly wouldn't understand what she says for explanations and god forbid this did go on longer than I think and inlaces I don't want to know about. That would really make me feel more stupid and blind than I do now. I will take some time before I post again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Take your time and take care of yourself. If you do plan on going through the divorce do not have sex with her. In some states that will cause you issues. The way I look at this is she really robbed you of your right to live life the way you choose. I really don't think she can fix that by giving you back your time. Its not just the betrayal of the cheating. Its the chance to really go out and find real love with someone that will give you that all she gave to her efforts to carry on affairs outside of your marriage with her. Imagine if she instead had focused on building a better marriage with you. She chose her wants and desires and left you to believe this was it. I am really sorry you are going through this. I cant imagine the pain you are going through. C 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I honestly wouldn't understand what she says for explanations and god forbid this did go on longer than I think and inlaces I don't want to know about. That would really make me feel more stupid and blind than I do now. I have a good friend and tennis partner who's an attorney, usually represents the "defendant" in a divorce. And he says, based his conversations with WS clients, you can usually use a 3X ratio, they tend to disclose or the BS finds out about a third of the cheating activity. Sobering thought... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 My question to you others is do you ever get over this? How long does it take? I can't work out any kind of forgiveness or lead her to believe we have a chance if this huge issue is in my way. Maybe you ought to consider marriage counselling before you have to divide everything down the middle with divorce and the splitting of assets. How was your marriage in general before you discovered the affair? Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 Thanks folks. I did talk to my kids (who are adults) and I will let them come to their own conclusion. I am talking to an attorney to see what rights I have. What really pisses me off (beyond the expected betrayal crap) is the fact I am NOT a kid. I am at the end of the road where in a marriage you work so hard to have all your finances in order, kids educated and married and moved on, and you are looking to down size and buy that retirement home. So now I am literally at that point in life but instead of my life partner I am alone and instead of dual income (pension and SS) I will probably have a mortgage. Small one but still my retirement gets moved a few more years than I planned on. And yes I will find some counsel to keep my head straight and NO I don't want all the questions answered. I honestly wouldn't understand what she says for explanations and god forbid this did go on longer than I think and inlaces I don't want to know about. That would really make me feel more stupid and blind than I do now. I will take some time before I post again. I divorced because it just isn't worth any amount of money or assets in the world for me to sit 4th here and agonize over the thoughts of what happened. I gave up on a lot, a house, seeing my young children every day, having to pay child support, etc. But in the end I have absolutely zero regrets because I found a much better woman and no amount of money in the world was worth living with someone who could betray me in that way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 Marriage counciling: You stand @ 50/50 chance getting a decent one At best. A lot have no experience with infidelity. They aren't gods and can do more damage than help. Most will will try and rug sweep and/or try and blame the betrayed spouse for the affair. Upfront I wouldn't go near one. Beware 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 (edited) Eventually, the realization will come to you that the reason you don't want to be intimate with her is because you don't trust her. She betrayed you and in addition to NOT being the person you thought she was, she's not even the person she was pretending to be! No one wants to get in bed with a stranger, worse a demon - and that is essentially how you now feel about her character and motives. It's really not about the sex because, it's likely each of you had other partners before you met - and still, that didn't stop either of you from physically wanting/desiring each other or getting married. So, the sex itself can't be the thing that repulses you. Instead, the sex is something we can NAME - a way to give voice and identity to something we feel but don't completely understand. Knowing the reality of how betrayed and in danger we feel is very difficult and even harder to give voice too, so we wrap it up in the sex which is a sort of universal shorthand for the what we can't speak to. Edited June 5, 2019 by Turning point 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 (edited) Newbie here, first post. I stumbled across this board/forum and it looks like the best place to ask my question. I hope this is the right category. My wife of over 30 years recently cheated. I won't into all the history and details but she has admitted to me, in counseling, she gave oral and had intercourse several times (at least 5) to a coworker on business trips. Some in the past but one was very recent. For some reason I guess the guilt finally caught up too her when I questioned her closeness to this guy. Anyway, she wants to reconcile and I want out. The biggest issue is she feels having intimacy will help us heal and she can show me she loves me still. All I can see in my mind is this guy having sex with her. I don't want my lips anyplace his "member" has been and I know it was in her mouth and they had intercourse. She wouldn't say protected sex or not but it doesn't matter to me. Even with a condom I don't want to be near her. Having a sexless roommate type relationship is not a marriage. My question to you others is do you ever get over this? How long does it take? I can't work out any kind of forgiveness or lead her to believe we have a chance if this huge issue is in my way. Any help is appreciated. There is no right or wrong answer, the decision is yours to make. She lost her right to decide when she chose infidelity. The exchange of bodily fluids is part of the rush cheaters get when they have sex with someone else's spouse. They always lie about using protection. I went through several infidelities in my life. At first I tried working through them, now infidelity is an absolute deal breaker for me. With enough counselling you can learn to live with her affair or affairs(I am not sure from your post if her infidelity was with one other man or more) but you will never forget her betrayal. She risked your health, it is important you both get tested for all STD's. Testing brings the reality of why you need to be tested. Expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse, don't tell your wife you are going to tell the other betrayed spouse, just do it. Moving her out of the bedroom might help you decide your path. Read up on the 180 it will help you distance yourself from her as you decide on reconciliation. Please talk to a lawyer so you know your rights. One consideration might be to divorce her but staying together. The betrayed spouse looses no matter what path you decide on. They are the ones who eat the sh*t sandwich for choosing to stay in the marriage. It takes years to get over the feeling of being tainted, I couldn't personally. We are not you so take time to find out what it is you want. You never overcome the imbalance created by her betrayal, she chose another man over you, they share secrets that are withheld from you. Have her write out a timeline of her affair, how it started, how long it went on for, where they met, what they did for each other, how often, who knew about her infidelity but didn't tell you about it(they are not friends of the marriage). Did they give each other gifts, have her throw out the clothing she wore with him. The other betrayed spouse deserves to know the truth, it's the right thing to do. None of this is your fault, accept no blame. Edited June 5, 2019 by aliveagain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 It's really not about the sex because, it's likely each of you had other partners before you met - and still, that didn't stop either of you from physically wanting/desiring each other or getting married. So, the sex itself can't be the thing that repulses you. OK, but most want exclusivity from a "serious" partner. They want that partner to "give" sex to them and only them. There is romance around making love to someone you love and adore. We accept their body fluids and they accept ours. We make ourselves vulnerable, but monogamy reduces the risk for us. We don't really expect to be mixing our body fluids with a third party, that is where the "ick" factor kicks in - the disgust, the revulsion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 5, 2019 Share Posted June 5, 2019 We don't really expect to be mixing our body fluids with a third party, that is where the "ick" factor kicks in - the disgust, the revulsion. Not to mention the trust factor. The fact that something so intimate shared with the person you love, is also being shared with someone else... When you’ve built a home with someone, weathered life’s storms, raised your children, built a life together... how do you ever recover when that person betrayed your trust with another person. No, this didn’t really about sex. It’s about trust, respect, and loyalty. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 OK, but most want exclusivity from a "serious" partner. What you call exclusivity is INTIMACY. What threatens us most about infidelity is psychological SAFETY. The whole bodily fluid thing is just window dressing. The sex isn't what destroys the relationship. The killer is deception - the reality that you may now be sleeping with the enemy or multiple enemies of which you know nothing. Sleeping with someone we perceive to be a threat to our safety is nearly impossible for any emotionally/psychologically normal person. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 It’s about trust, respect, and loyalty. We trust our partner with our VULNERABILITY - that part of us that once betrayed we may never really recover from. It's a serious violation of our emotional well being, few people could ever truly get past it when the affair is ongoing and involves so much active and deliberate deception. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 What you call exclusivity is INTIMACY. What threatens us most about infidelity is psychological SAFETY. The whole bodily fluid thing is just window dressing. Yeah, until you come down with a STD you can't get rid of. Then it matters very much. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 I missed how far out OP is from DDay? I often hear 2-5 years for 'recovery'. It is difficult and different for some. Did you go through a time period of HB (hysterical bonding afterward)? Are you in IC? A counselor familiar with infidelity can be of great help. And sadly perhaps, there is also the possible that while you may 'get over' the trauma, that you may be unable to remain with her in a happy and fulfilling relationship. You may be able to though, but certainly you never look at her and think of her quite the same. Edit: I had been staying away from this thread bc it gets me in the feels. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 6, 2019 Share Posted June 6, 2019 I missed how far out OP is from DDay? All the Op said was this so timeline hard to determine: Some in the past but one was very recent. Is this a uniquely Minnesotan expression? it gets me in the feels. Makes sense, just never heard it before ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I just want to say take your time and do what is best for you...and take your time to figure out what that is. Individual counseling may help with that. Don't sleep with her as that will only confuse you more. Finally, as a lady, I feel her throwing herself at you sexually is manipulative...sorry! Wishing you well! Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 Yeah, until you come down with a STD you can't get rid of. Then it matters very much. Which is again, about SAFETY and our vulnerability. The wound we receive is the evidence, but the trauma results from the betrayal. The difference between people who can reconcile and those who can't generally lines up very neatly against the level of deceit and manipulation deployed by the cheater, and how long it continues. Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 Just get out, man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted June 9, 2019 Share Posted June 9, 2019 Well hope you are getting IC, and are finding a good head space. A lot of concerns offered to your predicament, to remain with a WS who has for years cheated on you yet lied over a 30 year period. Only revealing the tip of this deception during a session regarding another issue. The Cheating partners wife Has to be told now, HR has to be informed as there may be legal ramifications against the employer. Power of authority moral responsibility etc. With the winding down period of life upon you, it would be just sweeping it under the rug, to just accept and move on. You will most likely have a monkey on you back asking you why, what time line etc even though you have said you will never want to know what they actually did. Good luck, but mate seriously look at moving on, retirement may go right a few years but you can and will find a true love that isn’t a cheater or liar. I couldn’t remain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ctdans Posted June 12, 2019 Author Share Posted June 12, 2019 final post close this out. Thank you all for feedback and comments. It gave me a lot to think about. I am going for the divorce as I cannot forgive or forget. Maybe I am immature but that is just what is going through my mind. At my age I am not ready to start all over and I have no young children to worry about. My kids are adults and we talked and we are in a good place. Can I or will I be civil when family has to be together? Yes, I feel I can and will. Financially I am in a good place so money is not a worry and hopefully the split is fair. So with that all in mind I am divorcing and let the chips fall where they may. We agreed to sign over our beach house to our kids so neither of us profit and family doesn't lose it. If anyone knows about New Hampshire shore line you will understand. When there is only 13 miles in the state and you are right across the street from the beach you know you have a prime location. Our CT house will be sold and we will split the money so we can each get our own place. At least that is the plan now. Of course she could try and screw this all up but I hope and pray she has some heart left. For now I have rented a nice condo near the beach house in NH with the option to buy once the divorce is final. They were nice enough to have my rent go towards purchase so I don't lose out on cash. And yes it is in a contract and all legal. If I bought now I risked losing it in the divorce but I did want move out. I had been staying with my son but him being a newly wed I didn't want to overstay my welcome. Thank you all and I wish the best for you all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 Good for you. Don't feel bad for the choice you made. We all have to live with what we do in our lives. Remember we only live once so its not like we get to come back and try something different the next time. I foolishly stayed with a serial cheater for ten years. I will regret that the rest of my life. I am thankful I am finally away from her. I really believed I would probably be single the rest of my life after that. I think you are going to find there is life after this and it can be really good if you let it. I am sorry you had to go through this. Remember you can always come back and post anytime if you just need to vent. Take care of yourself. C Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 Much respect to you, sir. Congrats on keeping a cool head, making a sound plan, and executing on it. You are taking care of yourself and teaching your kids the value of that when they find themselves in tough situations. I hope that you'll find a lovely companion to enjoy some special beachside moments after all the dust settles. Best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 final post close this out. Thank you all for feedback and comments. It gave me a lot to think about. I am going for the divorce as I cannot forgive or forget... Thank you all and I wish the best for you all. Good luck, to you my friend. Hopefully your STBXW will be a Respectful adult in the D, after all it was her actions that caused it. Link to post Share on other sites
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