In a rough place - thoughts appreciated

[heartwhole2]

Another thought about the FB post. If he didn't want you to see it, if he weren't sending a message and didn't want to upset you, he wouldn't have posted it. He would have called her and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. He could have had a romantic online (FT or Skype) dinner and pleasure with her. For all you know, he did the latter which is why he didn't spend the night with you.

 

He also could have limited the audience for the post so OW and mutual friends couldn't see it.

[pepperbird]

I can;t understand why a married man would post a flowery, loving anniversary message to his wife on a public social media forum, knowing there is a high probability his ow will see it and quite possibly be hurt.

 

 

He's either an idiot, trying to see what he can get away with or he's trying to show his ow her place.

[heartwhole2]

I can;t understand why a married man would post a flowery, loving anniversary message to his wife on a public social media forum, knowing there is a high probability his ow will see it and quite possibly be hurt.

 

 

He's either an idiot, trying to see what he can get away with or he's trying to show his ow her place.

 

And he's trying to assuage his own guilt. See, I didn't have sex with OW on my anniversary! See, I posted a nice message! I'm a good husband . . . really!

[finna]

I have to say that I can't think of a relationship where I thought to myself, "I have power because I have something s/he wants!" The fact that you are entertaining these thoughts should show you how far from healthy this relationship is....

I really never thought of it at all until a lot of posts on this thread referred to the power dynamic, how I was acting powerless, and how I needed to take back my power. It was a bit of an “aha” that perhaps I am not completely powerless in the current dynamic- although I agree that it’s not a desirable or healthy place to be.

As long as he's in an affair, he's never choosing either of you. You will know he has chosen you when he has divorced and set up a new life and wants you as his one and only. Anything else is choosing the path of least resistance.

How do I know if he has chosen her? I don’t say that to sound stupid- many posters would say he has already chosen her, so in your opinion is it if/when he cuts things with me entirely?

.....And who knows . . . if your spouse left you, maybe he would get to be your one and only. It's fun to dream, anyway.

Yeah- I don’t see BS leaving him... more that she would keep trying harder to keep him- although I suppose everyone had their breaking point for what they will put up with. Besides I’d rather be an intentional choice than a consolation prize and I’ve told him so. Edited June 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[finna]

Before he got involved with me he used to frequently post gooey messages on FB to BS... and some of that was during some of the most difficult times in their relationship. I don’t know if he was doing it to hurt me or put me in my place or whether it was about assuaging guilt or both.

[SpiceCat]

What does he get from texting you? Are you joking??

 

He gets confirmation that you'll stay in your place and not blow up his life, he gets ego strokes knowing that you're pining away for him, and he gets to keep you on the line in case he decides to restart the physical affair.

[Orokotikki]

Keeping her in place is definitely part of it.

Sad and sickening how blatantly cheaters say one thing but do another, and in doing so, easily manipulate people.

[darkbloom]

My MM never posted on Facebook himself but his wife would always take pictures and post these flowing loving captions literally in the middle of him texting me. I told him how inappropriate I thought this was and he said “well I’m not posting it and I can’t control what she posts” I called him on it and he finally admitted that he knew I would see it as she and I were friends on social media.

 

He wanted you to see it no doubt to keep you in your place.

[PhoenixRising8]

My MM never posted on Facebook himself but his wife would always take pictures and post these flowing loving captions literally in the middle of him texting me. I told him how inappropriate I thought this was and he said “well I’m not posting it and I can’t control what she posts” I called him on it and he finally admitted that he knew I would see it as she and I were friends on social media.

 

He wanted you to see it no doubt to keep you in your place.

 

My xMM never used FB although he had it. His BS always posted pics of her and the kids, random games and videos. Last pic of them, or any mention of him was the fall of 2015. Fall of 2018 onwards, after he told her he wanted to leave and she asked him many times about someone else, suddenly she was posting candid pics of him sleeping on the couch, video of him blowing out his birthday candles, pictures of them at Christmas and New Years, vacation pics in February all with loving captions. I have no doubt she was sending a clear message to the person she believed strongly existed but never got confirmation about.

 

To be fair to the MM, how does he tell her not to and not arouse suspicion lol

Edited June 26, 2019 by LilKatKat

[SpiceCat]

Basically if you are going to choose to remain in this affair, you have to keep reminding yourself that you are NOT his girlfriend. You are not a priority. You are entertainment and nothing more. You are disposable. You are easily replaceable and this could happen at any moment.

 

Are you prepared to accept all of this? If not, then you should walk away. Immediately. I hope you don't accept it.

[darkbloom]

My xMM never used FB although he had it. His BS always posted pics of her and the kids, random games and videos. Last pic of them, or any mention of him was the fall of 2015. Fall of 2018 onwards, after he told her he wanted to leave and she asked him many times about someone else, suddenly she was posting candid pics of him sleeping on the couch, video of him blowing out his birthday candles, pictures of them at Christmas and New Years, vacation pics in February all with loving captions. I have no doubt she was sending a clear message to the person she believed strongly existed but never got confirmation about.

 

To be fair to the MM, how does he tell her not to and not arouse suspicion lol

 

This was exactly my point to him. She is living one version of reality and he was living another. You can tell in some of the photos he is miserable but he is still choosing his marriage over me. All the trite “wish you were” bullish-t just made me more mad at him. He has prioritized his marriage (as he should) and she should be able to post whatever she wants. I told him that if he actually wished I was there and wanted me to be I would, he’s just not willing to pull the trigger and end his marriage. As his wife, she gets the freedom to post about their relationship, comes with the territory. I feel bad in that she doesn’t know the truth of the situation and she should have all the information about her husband but she doesn’t. My best friend commented yesterday about how dumb the BS looks when she posts, and that’s not her fault. Her husband is the dumb one selling her this faithful love story when he’s being deceitful and not giving her the full picture.

[PhoenixRising8]

Serious warning to all "others" who lurk and are not connected on social media. I don't have instagram so don't know much about it but I am told you can see who has visited. You can't get the same info on FB BUT you may pop up on their "friend's suggestion" even if you have no friends in common. Ask me how I know? Well I checked out his daughter's FB and guess what? A few weeks ago, she came up on my friends suggestions. I may very well pop up on BS's suggestions. I had no idea ...

[pepperbird]

Before he got involved with me he used to frequently post gooey messages on FB to BS... and some of that was during some of the most difficult times in their relationship.

 

 

This is irrelevant. Unless he's a fool or so out of it he doesn't think you'd ever check his or her social media, he knew that if he left it there, you would see it. He could have set it to private so no one else would see it, he could have set it so that only her friends would see it, but instead he left it public where you could see it.

Why would he do that?

[finna]

I’ve started working on a letter to MM that will ultimately state that I expect him to make a real choice, and that I won’t be available until he is free. I don’t know when I will be finished with it or ready to send, but I was trying to take advantage of the bit of anger I have been experiencing.

 

I am back to feeling despair tonight and I hate it because I don’t choose to feel this.

[pepperbird]

I would suggest to all the "others" ( and BS too) that they stop stalking each other on Facebook and other social media.

That's even below the level of my 16 teenage son. All it does is feed MM/MW/WSs' egos.

[Starswillshine]

How do we know he has chosen her? Well because he has told you. Push comes to shove.... has no choice... both women on a cliff... he chooses her.

[Crazelnut]

 

I am back to feeling despair tonight and I hate it because I don’t choose to feel this.

 

Yes, you DO choose this. You made this choice when you entered into an affair with a MM. The despair and pain come along for the ride. How can you NOT realize that YOU are making a choice every time you text him or speak with him or sleep with him? Are you strong enough to withstand weeks, months, or years of feeling despair? The only way to be rid of the despair and pain in the long run is to experience the short term pain of breaking it off with him and going NC.

[SpiceCat]

I’ve started working on a letter to MM that will ultimately state that I expect him to make a real choice, and that I won’t be available until he is free. I don’t know when I will be finished with it or ready to send, but I was trying to take advantage of the bit of anger I have been experiencing.

 

I am back to feeling despair tonight and I hate it because I don’t choose to feel this.

 

I'm sorry you feel despair but you absolutely DO choose to feel it. If you walked away, you'd still be sad, but you'd at least be on a path to a happier life. You keep leaving it all up to him when you know full well that you have the power to walk away at any time. You are choosing to stay in this position of misery. Your unhappiness is 100% your own fault.

 

That was the wrong thing to say by the way - you're telling him that you'll wait for him. You are giving him permission to continue to keep you on the hook whether he's free or not.

[heartwhole2]

How do I know if he has chosen her? I don’t say that to sound stupid- many posters would say he has already chosen her, so in your opinion is it if/when he cuts things with me entirely?

My opinion is that he will not make a choice to be monogamous unless he is forced to, and then he will choose her. When people say "He has already chosen her" they are oversimplifying a bit since he is not being monogamous to her, but the point is that he's very much married, celebrating anniversaries, traveling, making future plans. There's no way I can twist this to say that he's chosen you. Now has he "chosen" her? Well, yes, he did when he married her. And he has decided to maintain that marriage, so he is continuing to choose her, even if he's being a terrible husband while doing it.

 

It's really a shame to put yourself in a situation where your desired partner has to choose between you and the person he already legally chose in order to have the relationship that you want. It's like insisting that the only job for you is one that is already taken instead of applying to all the available jobs out there, or deciding the only house for you is one that isn't on the market, etc.

 

Yeah- I don’t see BS leaving him... more that she would keep trying harder to keep him- although I suppose everyone had their breaking point for what they will put up with. Besides I’d rather be an intentional choice than a consolation prize and I’ve told him so.

But you haven't shown him so. You've shown him that you're not going anywhere.

 

Here's what you said about his breaking things off with you in your first post:

Three weeks ago he called me to break things off, saying he loved me and wanted me to be in his life but he needed to focus on his family (his wife is truly mentally unstable and manipulative and he is afraid/guilty she will do something crazy as well as not be able to help care for their five year old son). At a follow up conversation he said he got stressed and scared about parts of our relationship and wanted life to be less complicated and to try to be happy with his SO in order to make his son happy and not disappoint people (he had been in unhappy situation for many years which he talked to me and another good friend a lot about before we ever got together).

Buried among a lot of explanations and minimizations designed to soften the blow is his real intention . . . to try to be happy with his wife. He was letting you down easy, but you took his deflections literally. And so you followed that to its logical conclusion . . . if he can stop trying to make everyone happy, then he'll choose you.

 

I’ve started working on a letter to MM that will ultimately state that I expect him to make a real choice, and that I won’t be available until he is free. I don’t know when I will be finished with it or ready to send, but I was trying to take advantage of the bit of anger I have been experiencing.

 

Good! This is progress!

 

I'm sorry that you are feeling despair. Be sure to stay connected to your support network and get that IC straightened out. If your feelings are overwhelming you, reach out for help.

 

What are you despairing about, exactly?

[Orokotikki]

Waaait... Seriously? "that I expect him to make a real choice, and that I won’t be available until he is free"

 

Translation: I will wait until you are ready to lie convincingly to me again that you are going to leave her, or whittle me down to at least being convinced you are truly unhappy. And if you don't 'decide' favorably enough I will keep standing around until you do.

 

Likely response: Ok.

Edited June 26, 2019 by Orokotikki
grammar

[finna]

How do we know he has chosen her? Well because he has told you. Push comes to shove.... has no choice... both women on a cliff... he chooses her.

 

Fair enough... it is a bit of a conflicting statement though from posters who say he hasn’t chosen either one of us if he is still involved with me.

[finna]

This is irrelevant. Unless he's a fool or so out of it he doesn't think you'd ever check his or her social media, he knew that if he left it there, you would see it. He could have set it to private so no one else would see it, he could have set it so that only her friends would see it, but instead he left it public where you could see it.

Why would he do that?

 

Probably because he felt very guilty and thought a public proclamation would either 1) please her 2) help to assuage his guilt 3) send a message to me 4) be a move that would throw her off suspecting he was with me that week.

 

I donÂ’t know for sure - I didnÂ’t feel like discussing it with him at the time (late at night after a long day). He woke up with me that morning, spent the day with me including dinner, and made his choice for the evening about 11pm that night. He brought me breakfast at 0700 the next morning.

----------------

 

Well technical it was set so that his and her friends could see... yes, we are friends on FB from way back but donÂ’t tag each other or anything like that.

Edited June 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[finna]

Yes, you DO choose this. You made this choice when you entered into an affair with a MM. The despair and pain come along for the ride. How can you NOT realize that YOU are making a choice every time you text him or speak with him or sleep with him? Are you strong enough to withstand weeks, months, or years of feeling despair? The only way to be rid of the despair and pain in the long run is to experience the short term pain of breaking it off with him and going NC.

 

I haven’t contacted him today and we have been LC for the last few days. So today I made the choice not to engage in any way. I am on holiday with my son and in the middle of our evening activity I just started feeling physical pain in my guts and waves of depression. I see your point of course but I didn’t choose that kind of agony today.

[elaine567]

Your boss has sacked you but you hang around anyway on a temporary contract, filling in as required as you love and need that job.

You do not like the new conditions, so you write the boss a letter, telling him that unless he reinstates you to your former position, you will no longer be available...He says OK, fine by him, the new guy starts on Monday...

[finna]

 

What are you despairing about, exactly?

 

I feel physical pain right now... the broken heart kind. The despair is a combination of loneliness, missing him very much (he is very good at making me smile and laugh throughout the day), and general disappointment over the way things are happening.

 

I’ve been traveling for nearly five weeks, the last two with my son, and normally it is a very joyful experience for me... feeling depressed makes it harder to enjoy all the fun things - although I’ve been out doing them anyway for my kid.