Jet8419 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 (edited) A while back, I posted about this guy friend of mine whom most people here decided he was just a flirt. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/669932-increasing-confusion Since the last encounter with him, we’ve maintained the same interactions as friends, only occasionally texting about random stuff, but last week he suddenly said we were overdue for a catch-up, and asked me out for brunch. That’s when we had the weirdest, most intense conversation as “friends”. He started with some casual chat about how I found the cafe we were in, what kind of food I don’t eat and what were the most uncommon meats he’s eaten before. Then we talked about his brother’s recent wedding, how it went etc, and he suddenly asked whether I want kids, would I marry someone for the sake of having kids, would I have a kid without being married or whether would I date a single dad with children. And he went on to talk about his complex family background, siblings and step siblings, how he’s dated single mums (plus a range of women in the past who all sound like they’re very different types) before but thinks he wouldn’t want children of his own. Throughout our brunch, he kept mentioning he’s single, so he’s keeping busy with postgraduate studies on top of a full time job, how his daily routine is just packed with work and studying during the week, and more studying on weekends, with a goal to move up to higher level management in his job once he’s completed his studies. At the end of brunch, he said it was really good to see me again, and gave me a tight hug as usual, which this time he laughed and said I give awkward hugs (I honestly don’t think there was anything awkward I did), so I asked how else was I supposed to do it? He just grabbed me again and pulled me towards him, this time cradling my head into his chest (he’s more than one head taller than me). Since that day, his texts became more flirty (eg, “you’re very sweet *blushing emoji* or “I don’t mind, you choose. Surprise me *winky face emoji*”). So what I couldn’t understand was, he sounds like he’s too busy to be dating, yet he was so preoccupied with the whole marriage and kids topic, and we’re not even dating (supposedly just friends). Was he being a flirt again for fun, or he’s scouting around for The One? Or none? Edited June 2, 2019 by Jet8419 Typo
salparadise Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 He's scouting YOU out! It's kind of presumptuous of him to be asking about kids and relationships and all of that stuff. He's got the cart in front of the horse I think. He's full of himself on the outside, and a bit insecure on the inside. Criticizing the way you hug to get another, more intimate, hug... it doesn't make him evil or anything, just passive and indirect. He's scared of rejection and looking for you to green light him in a way that leaves nothing to the imagination. Whenever you use the word "friends" and need to put it in quotations, you should just choose a better word.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Unless he makes it crystal clear he wants to have a relationship with you, none of this really matters beyond a simple flirtatious friendship. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Until he asks you on a date, he's just wasting your time & stringing you along. You may be his sample of one, that he's pumping for info so he can chase another woman. The only definitive answer will be him asking for a date. Did he pay for brunch? Did he pick you up? The next time he asks you to brunch or anything else, you maybe need to flat out ask, is this a date? 1
The Outlaw Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 That's bold of him, but evidently, he isn't too busy to be dating, given what he said. You sound like a serious candidate for dating or something more to him.
Author Jet8419 Posted June 2, 2019 Author Posted June 2, 2019 He's scouting YOU out! It's kind of presumptuous of him to be asking about kids and relationships and all of that stuff. He's got the cart in front of the horse I think. He's full of himself on the outside, and a bit insecure on the inside. Criticizing the way you hug to get another, more intimate, hug... it doesn't make him evil or anything, just passive and indirect. He's scared of rejection and looking for you to green light him in a way that leaves nothing to the imagination. Whenever you use the word "friends" and need to put it in quotations, you should just choose a better word. If this is true, then he sounds like a mess - given his dating experience and the way he presents himself (you’re right, he’s a very confident man), he shouldn’t be afraid of rejection?
Author Jet8419 Posted June 2, 2019 Author Posted June 2, 2019 Until he asks you on a date, he's just wasting your time & stringing you along. You may be his sample of one, that he's pumping for info so he can chase another woman. The only definitive answer will be him asking for a date. Did he pay for brunch? Did he pick you up? The next time he asks you to brunch or anything else, you maybe need to flat out ask, is this a date? Nope, we’ve always split the bill, and he didn’t pick me up since he came to my place for brunch, at a cafe I could just walk to. The way he usually asks me out is “Time we have dinner / coffee, in a weekend or two?” Or “think we’re overdue for a coffee/ catch up”, that’s why I treat it as a catch-up between friends, until he brings up all these topics when we meet, which I was caught by surprise.
JuneL Posted June 2, 2019 Posted June 2, 2019 Are you sure he’s not gay? What you talked about were normal girls topics.
Author Jet8419 Posted June 3, 2019 Author Posted June 3, 2019 Are you sure he’s not gay? What you talked about were normal girls topics. Yup, he’s definitely not gay, 100% straight guy.
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 He might be sizing up your potential compatibility for the future, or he could have been just venting and discussing things that are playing on his mind to a friend. You describe him as being very busy so he may not have much opportunity to talk about the things that are worrying him about his personal life. Asking you about kids, while confessing he doesn't want them, might have been a way of assessing how women around his age group feel about a guy who doesn't want that sort of thing. At the moment he sounds too busy to be able to commit to anything serious, but he strikes me as the type that will go out find a partner and potentially settle down very quickly when he feels the time is right for him.
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 Sounds like he has a very full and busy life, but he maybe does not have a lot of outlets to really open up, so he opened up to you that day. From your other thread he sounds pretty experienced with the ladies and telling you all about his dating life is not usually a big turn on, so I guess he sees you as a friend.
Author Jet8419 Posted June 3, 2019 Author Posted June 3, 2019 He might be sizing up your potential compatibility for the future, or he could have been just venting and discussing things that are playing on his mind to a friend. You describe him as being very busy so he may not have much opportunity to talk about the things that are worrying him about his personal life. Asking you about kids, while confessing he doesn't want them, might have been a way of assessing how women around his age group feel about a guy who doesn't want that sort of thing. At the moment he sounds too busy to be able to commit to anything serious, but he strikes me as the type that will go out find a partner and potentially settle down very quickly when he feels the time is right for him. Yes, he commented that both him and I are atypical in that most people our age are married or have kids, and wanted to know my thoughts on whether I’m looking for a partner for the sake of having children like a lot of women do, and kept pushing me for an answer when I avoided the question of whether I want kids (told him that’s a decision to be discussed with my future husband and he said I still have a say in it).
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 Nope, we’ve always split the bill, and he didn’t pick me up since he came to my place for brunch, at a cafe I could just walk to. The way he usually asks me out is “Time we have dinner / coffee, in a weekend or two?” Or “think we’re overdue for a coffee/ catch up”, that’s why I treat it as a catch-up between friends, until he brings up all these topics when we meet, which I was caught by surprise. The topics strike me more as something he is asking his female friend so he can figure out how to deal with some other woman in his life who he actually wants to date. I think you need to find a way to ask him what it is he's playing at with you. 1
Author Jet8419 Posted June 3, 2019 Author Posted June 3, 2019 The topics strike me more as something he is asking his female friend so he can figure out how to deal with some other woman in his life who he actually wants to date. I think you need to find a way to ask him what it is he's playing at with you. Yes, I point blank asked him about this issue before, about why he’s so interested in knowing my thoughts on kids and type of guy I’m looking for, and even asked if he was trying to set me up with someone, which he said he wasn’t, and was just trying to know me better.
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 Then you best ask some follow up conversations. I'd say something like "I'm not sure what we're doing here. Part of this feels like a date but you have never asked me out. Are you just playing with my emotions / do you not like me that way? I'm OK with just friends but I'd be open to more. I need to know where you are so I can sort myself out."
JuneL Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 I checked out your other thread. It’s clear you’re attracted to him and he wanted some NSA thing with you. Most girls would be totally grossed out by his “thinking about you while touching himself” comment. It’s very inappropriate between platonic friends. 1
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 I read your other thread. I take it all back. He wants to bang you. He will say anything to get you into bed. As soon as you give in, this "friendship" will be over. You are nothing more then a prospective notch on his headboard. If you are DTF him, fine. But do not come back here whining that you don't understand why he ghosted you after you slept with him. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 I still think this guy is wack af If he wants a relationship with you then it will be clear period. none of that super flirt then back to friends crap. How long have this been going on? For months right? I remember when you first mentioned this clown. I don’t take this guy seriously Op and I don’t recommend you do Take him seriously when he actually ask you out for a damn date, kiss you, tell you he likes you more than a friend, rinse repeat consistently, and/or ask to be your boyfriend Ugh he stil annoying 2
JuneL Posted June 3, 2019 Posted June 3, 2019 OP: What was your reaction when he made that gross comment? If you hadn’t made it clear that was very inappropriate (which I suspect was the case, because you wanted him to want to date you), he would continue to test your boundaries. A guy who wanted to date you properly wouldn’t disrespect you like that.
Author Jet8419 Posted June 3, 2019 Author Posted June 3, 2019 OP: What was your reaction when he made that gross comment? If you hadn’t made it clear that was very inappropriate (which I suspect was the case, because you wanted him to want to date you), he would continue to test your boundaries. A guy who wanted to date you properly wouldn’t disrespect you like that. I gave him the death stare and he quickly changed topic. 1
Author Jet8419 Posted June 3, 2019 Author Posted June 3, 2019 I still think this guy is wack af If he wants a relationship with you then it will be clear period. none of that super flirt then back to friends crap. How long have this been going on? For months right? I remember when you first mentioned this clown. I don’t take this guy seriously Op and I don’t recommend you do Take him seriously when he actually ask you out for a damn date, kiss you, tell you he likes you more than a friend, rinse repeat consistently, and/or ask to be your boyfriend Ugh he stil annoying Haha still like your answer the best.
Author Jet8419 Posted June 19, 2019 Author Posted June 19, 2019 (edited) Update: To those who have read this thread and the previous one, and seem to have a consensus that this friend is just after sex, seems like weÂ’re all in for a shock. I just met him over the weekend to pick up something from his place and he suddenly dropped another bombshell that I was not expecting at all - he has been attending church regularly for a few years . And all these years I’ve known him, he has never mentioned a single word about this even though he knows I’m a regular churchgoer. So I don’t know what to think of him now - he definitely doesn’t behave like a Christian, yet he’s been hiding this from me all this while, but why?? Anyway, things were really awkward that day at his place after I arranged a time with him to pick up the stuff. He texted me prior and asked if I wanna get a coffee, which was fine with me. Reached his place, he made me a coffee and then said “I’m starving and it’s lunchtime” then proceeded to start cooking, while leaving me standing in his living room, unsure if I was supposed to leave or join him for lunch. And while he was cooking, I just made some comments like why he’s thrown out half an onion that looked fine, and he got upset about it and said I could go home if I continued commenting about his cooking, which shocked me again cos he’s never been so rude before. So just as he took out 2 plates to serve lunch, he asked if I was having any, I told him I’ll go home and let him have his lunch in peace. I don’t know if I was nasty to do that, but it felt really awkward cos there was no clear communication whether I was invited for lunch or purely just coffee, plus his poor behaviour too. Guess that could be the end of us. Edited June 19, 2019 by Jet8419 Punctuation
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2019 Posted June 19, 2019 Him attending church does not negate the idea that he only wanted to have sex with you. There are plenty of sinners & hypocrites in church. The lunch does sound awkward but I think you made it that way. When me mentioned lunch, it was implied that you were invited. I don't know how you missed that. You should have just followed him into the kitchen rather than standing in the living room. Anyway it's probably for the best that you are not going to bother about him anymore. This was never a good situation for you. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 19, 2019 Posted June 19, 2019 jet I literally rolled my eyes seeing updated activity on this thread because I knew your dude is still on some BS lol..... cut this dude loose and date other men my friend and my most toxic boyfriends who could act like Satan incarnate was oh so into church so dont be fooled or impressed by "goes to church"
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