Author lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 7, 2019 Author Share Posted July 7, 2019 I had been in a weird place the last couple of weeks. The knot in my stomach just would not go away. Felt like it was eating me alive. Part of it was that I had to watch him move his stuff over a few days. I am mostly alone where I live as I moved away from family. So it is easy to feel a little isolated. But I have started to rebuild friendships and that has been really great. I went home to visit family and I think the knot has gone away for now. Yay for getting away and family! I also just re-read my thread and see that I got really great advice. I think re-reading my thread is really helpful to keep things in perspective. This next few weeks I am going to work on mastering my emotions a little more so that I don’t keep dwelling on what I have lost but rather what I have gained. Which is a more balanced life. I think I let the relationship define me and thus I feel lost, a loss of identity, struggle with the loss of him etc. To be a balanced person, as Mark pointed out, I should have many different ways to explore and express my identity. I am working on that and it is helping. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 7, 2019 Share Posted July 7, 2019 With him not willing to communicate, there's nothing you could have done. If you'd demanded more, the only time that ever works and rarely then, is at the beginning of a relationship when they want you bad enough to try harder. After that, it's just resentment you'd be getting back. So stop blaming yourself. Sounds like you were the backbone of the family, best career, it's your house, and he's acting like a teenager on Facebook living in a fantasy land. It is hard to lose your identity after a big change, no matter what it is, job, spouse, whatever, but you now have the freedom to again rebuild yourself into whatever you want to be, and your friends and family are right that you were good at doing that before him. You're just having a hiccup to grieve, and that's normal. Once you're out of the weeds on grieving, your life will be so much less stress and so much more how you want it to be, anything you want it to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 10, 2019 Author Share Posted July 10, 2019 Yes you are right about asking for more. I hardly asked for much but he was still resentful. I realize that he lacks emotional maturity. I did all I could. I can walk away knowing that I tried my best. The pain of loss will eventually go away and I will rise again a better version of myself. This is still one of the hardest things I have had to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 16, 2019 Author Share Posted July 16, 2019 It has been 6 weeks since the BU and I am happy to report that I am over the hump! I never thought this day would come but when I think of him now I don’t feel much pain, nor do I miss him that much anymore. I am still very much tied to him but I am not stuck on him. I am sad for the loss but the loss does not consume me. I am on my way to being indifferent. Still a long way to go but my feelings are manageable. Thank you Father Time! And thank you to all on LS that post and share their advice/experiences. I am thankful for all the gems I have found along the way to help me cope. I have been keeping busy and working on getting fit. The exercise has been a huge boost to my mood and mental state. I don’t overdo it, but regular exercise has been great for me all around. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyplanetmoon Posted August 10, 2019 Author Share Posted August 10, 2019 For those of you who are suffering, it does get easier. But it takes work to get there and still no matter what, you still can only wait out the time to let your emotions process. After 9 weeks, I feel like a new person. I cannot believe how much happier I am. I am miles from where I was. After getting some distance from the situation, I can see that I really was not happy in the relationship. I have done some therapy and am working on filling the voids I had when I entered the relationship, as it is those voids that will keep me in a cycle of choosing the wrong partners. We were not compatible. We loved each other but it was not enough without maturity and communication. The goal should not be to just be in a relationship with someone, but to be in a healthy relationship where there is understanding and communication... and some amount of personal growth. I am working towards indifference. Not there yet. And prob won’t be for a while. It is interesting that not wanting them back does not equal indifference. There is no way I would take him back but yet I still have emotions and attachment. Just hang in there. You will get there too. I really kept to NC as much as possible and that has been a game changer in my healing process. I spent weekend reading and re-reading the Pinned NC threads and found them so helpful. No matter what you say to them, it is you who will hurt because the dumper has already left emotionally so they feel very little toward your words. There is no stirring them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 12, 2019 Share Posted August 12, 2019 Just to kind of break some of the triggers, you might want to change up the layout of your home and make a few simple changes to make it look different and not look just the same, to make it look like your own. Little things like that have helped me before. Not hanging on to something that maybe brings me down, or just putting a fresh look for a new beginning. Same for yourself, a new outfit, a new haircut or color. Another or a new dog. They're always the BEST at cheering you up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelyplanetmoon Posted August 12, 2019 Author Share Posted August 12, 2019 Ha! guess what I did yesterday? Rearranged my living room and listed some stuff on craigslist. Def time to do a good cleaning out! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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