My ex is getting married

[d0nnivain]

Him fully & totally cutting you off & ending this farce of a friendship is the right thing to do. The idea that you felt free to call him, follow him on social media, offer advice & just randomly show up at his house was wrong.

 

You don't get it, but his FI laying down the law & him cutting you off is the best thing that could happen to you.

 

Cry if you must because from your perspective you had been holding out false hope & it's now been quashed but pick yourself up, dust yourself off & march toward your future. He's your past.

[basil67]

It was foolish of him to promise you that he’d never let another woman break your friendship. The reality is that no woman will want an ex hanging around as a close friend. Especially not an ex who still holds a flame for him. He must make choices which support him into the future instead of holding him in the past.

 

You too, will feel better when you start looking forwards.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I doubt anyone who reads this is really going to believe that you have accepted that he no longer wants a romantic relationship with you. Let's be honest, you are still demanding his attention like a girlfriend and acting like his fiancee doesn't even exist.

 

Do I sympathize with the negative emotions his relationship has caused you? Absolutely! However in some ways it's like you're still avoiding the reality of situation by investing in the narrative of an "evil narcissist fiancee", rather than focus on the truth, that he chose her. It's easier.

 

For good or bad, he values his relationship with her over you. This is the woman he wants to marry. *I know that must be hard to read, but it is the truth.* You don't get a say in that. That is how he feels.

 

I get the sense that in most areas of your life you like to be in control and take charge. When there are times you feel powerless and vulnerable you may feel the need to fight back even harder. That may work with some things, but not here. You can't dominate him or control where this is going.

 

The idea of friendship was never going to be enough for you. You want more, and you deserve, just not from him.

 

I hope you are able to find a way to let go, for your own sake.

Edited May 30, 2019 by Scarlett.O'hara

[nolanola]

I have to agree with some of the other posters. I don't think you're really ok just being friends with this guy. At least the way he's thinking of it. I have a lot of male friends that I chat with from time to time but I can go months and months without talking to them because they're doing other things (or I am) - this doesn't bother me because I don't have any romantic investment in them and they have none in me. Your reaction to his behavior makes it very clear that you aren't ok with just being friends. At least admit that to yourself.

 

As for his marriage, I understand the need to figure out why. We all do this: the over-analyzing stage. We turn it over and over in our minds, trying to make sense of it all. The reality is that he has chosen to be with her and to stay with her, narcissist or not. He is a grown man and will have to deal with the choices that he makes. If you try to interfere, you will only push him further and further away. I sense some co-dependency in your behavior towards this man and this is not healthy for you.

 

Bottom line: you have to let this guy go. Leave him alone - do not try to connect with him in any way from here. Stop trying to insert yourself in his life. Be honest with yourself about what you're doing. Let him live his life and make his choices. If you guys are meant to become friends one day it will happen a very long time from now, after both of you have moved on. I know it's hard to not analyze his relationship or what is "really" going on, but you will never have answers for this and will only make yourself crazy. So try to focus on things in your own life.

[stillafool]

It is definitely none of your business what he is doing with his new fiance. You have some nerve going over to his house twice unannounced and unwanted. When he told you that you two could be friends he was saying what all dumpers say to play nice. They don't really mean it and most people go on their way when dumped; but not you. I don't blame his fiance for not wanting you hanging around. You don't wish good for her and their relationship. You are already snooping where you shouldn't be by trying to investigate her. The problem here is you have been rejected but won't accept it. He sounds like a man who has it together and I'm sure he knew what he wanted when he asked her to marry him. Narcissist or not.

[Blanco]

I did message him a few weeks later saying I'd like to hang out again, but I was ignored. The following week I was at an event near his house, and ended up just going and knocking on the door.

 

This is a matter of poor personal boundaries. If I ignored someone and they showed up at my home unannounced, I wouldn't be happy, regardless of how "nearby" they were.

 

Long story short he agreed to call me after Easter, so two weeks later. He did and we caught up for a drink. I thought it went well and I was pleased, and told him so. He had to leave because his new gf who was "a bit unhappy about it" was waiting at home for him, but we agreed that we would catch up again soon. I had a party to go back to.

 

Understandable on his girlfriend's part. If I was dating someone and they were getting a drink with an ex who had recently showed up unannounced at their house, I wouldn't be comfortable either.

 

I messaged him after a week (a facebook article related to what we'd been talking about), got a response saying "I'll be in contact in a couple of weeks", then I never heard from him.

 

OK, so at this point, he's showing a pattern of ghosting and that's when you needed to cut ties.

 

It actually drove me a bit crazy. I had been feeling ok but after 4 weeks of not hearing from him it was literally all I could think about. I was so angry and sad. I completely understand this is not rational. I just hated being ignored after what I thought had been a nice catch up and I didn't want him to be rewarded for ignoring me by just going away.

 

You were probably feeling OK because he was still in your life, albeit in a pseudo friend role. Being ignored hurts, especially when it's someone we care about, so don't beat up yourself too much for that.

 

I missed him and I didn't understand. Please understand that I have accepted he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, but I am good friends with a few exes and I thought we'd reached that turning point where it might start to be ok.

 

This is where you're lying to yourself. First, know that it's not common or necessarily healthy to be "good friends" with multiple exes. Being cordial is one thing, but I think being "good friends" with multiple exes potentially puts a strain on their current romantic relationships.

 

Also, if you'd truly accepted that the romantic relationship was over, I don't think this would've haunted you so much. I have friends who I go days or sometimes weeks without communicating with. I don't sweat it or give it a second thought. Now when I've tried being friends with an ex and the same happens? Yeah, I overthink it and wonder why I'm not hearing from them. That's when I can be honest with myself that maybe friendship is not what I'm seeking there.

 

Anyway. I tried to call once but he didn't answer, so I went round to his house again.

 

OK, this is where you really crossed a line. Knowing where someone lives doesn't give you an invitation to just show up at their home, especially when they've non-verbally communicated that they aren't eager to talk to you.

 

I do understand I shouldn't do that but I wanted a resolution and it was the only way I could get him to talk to me.

 

And if that's true, then you already had your resolution before going over there. He didn't want to talk to you.

 

We talked for an hourish, he told me he was moving in with his new gf (who he's known less than 3 months, but ok), I told him that I just want to talk about my relationship with him and how we can hang out occasionally, not his relationship with her, and he said he wanted to but also needed to take her feelings into account.

 

Good for him. Regardless of her own qualities, the current girlfriend deserves that sort of consideration, especially when it's clear you're not after just true friendship here.

 

I didn't disagree but reminded him that he promised only a few weeks ago that no woman would dictate to him who he could be friends with. I said if she wanted to meet me I would do that.

 

Sometimes we say things, but then when put into action, we realize we were incorrect.

 

So we hugged, a lot, and he promised me he would call me next Wednesday. I went home, 20 minutes later my phone rang, and he told me he'd spoken to his gf who was livid. He told me they're not just moving in together they're getting married and they'd been shopping for wedding rings that morning. She threatened to call the whole thing off if he didn't cut me off right away. He told me we will never be friends ever again, "I'm not going to **** this up because of you", hung up, then proceeded to block me from every form of communication.

 

Again, it's hard to not see where the girlfriend is coming from. An ex showing up unannounced multiple times is not typical behavior.

 

I was just totally numb. I still am a bit. I know this is it and I need to move on. I know I have behaved badly in trying to force contact, but he had been so adamant about us being friends and I was really upset that he changed on that but didn't have the balls to tell me. I know I didn't respect his (implied) boundary. I honestly still don't believe he REALLY wanted to get rid of me, I see this completely as her doing. He had accepted my facebook friend request before the first time I popped to his house. We had good banter the day I saw him.

 

But it doesn't matter whose call it was. Your behavior suggests ulterior motives. I wouldn't want a partner's ex around either like that.

 

But then, I phoned someone I know who I thought might know the new gf. I just asked her if she could tell me what she's like. I just couldn't believe that this incredibly smart, successful, sensitive man who told me I'd broken his heart a few months earlier was rushing into marriage with someone he'd known 11 weeks. And putting up with ultimatums like that. The person I know said the new gf is incredibly charming, very beautiful and the most evil manipulative narcissist she's ever met. She said she had seen her destroy people (not in a romantic context, she didn't know much about her in that way) without compunction. And from what I read rushing into marriage fits the narcissist bill perfectly.

 

My ex is so trusting, by his own admission, and has been ripped off in the past to the tune of $25000. He's a good man and I honestly couldn't give a fk if she breaks his heart, but marriage involves financial ties and he's so close to paying off his mortgage and he's just landed a fantastic career defining job, but he will need to perform well for it to continue. I know if i tried to say anything at all he would a) not listen b)get angry with me and c) if it encouraged him in any way to slow down and think things through and then this relationship fell apart he would blame me. So I know I can't do anything,but I'm really worried for him now. I know exactly what you're all going to say haha. That I just need to back the fk off and move on. It's not my business. But I can't bear the thought that in a few years his life might be ruined by this. Even if he has been an a** to me. I would rather he hated me forever. I think. I realise that there's every chance they might live happily ever after, but the person I spoke to is an acquaintance of mine who had no need to lie about anything..

 

Alright, be brutal...

 

Unfortunately, it's not your life. It's too bad if this fiance is as awful as you heard, but it's none of your business. We can't fix others and we can't live the lives of others for them. By icing you out, he's given you a free pass to not make this or anything that happens down the line with him your problem. Please do not discard that and continue to make his problems your own.

[Redhead14]

Good lord. Go back and read what you wrote and then kick yourself in the rear end. Block, delete, forget, move on. Forget about what's going on with him. Focus on you and your future and start making plans that don't include wondering/worrying about him. Don't waste another minute on mind-Fing yourself.

[Blanco]

After reading your original thread from two months ago, I'll add that you really need to drop this charade that this was ever really about being friends. You said yourself that you wanted him back and that you couldn't stand the thought of him with this new woman (who's now his fiance). Those aren't the sentiments of a FRIEND.

 

I totally get where you're coming from, as I've been there myself. That's why I feel confident in telling you that you're lying to yourself and as long as you insist that this is really about him severing ties of a "friendship," you'll never get over the real issue: You two will not be together romantically.

[Highndry]

Just WHOA. You are so far out of bounds in so many ways you need a reality check. Stopping by his house unannounced? This is borderline stalking. Leave the guy and his new gf alone and find another man.