doyathinkso Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 did I dodge a bullet not getting more involved with a cheater? Door number two. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rjc149 Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 (edited) RJC, I'm gonna go against the grain here. If you have liked this woman for over 15 years, all the talks she had with you were basically her begging you to step up emotionally rather than being cold and distant. I do not see her as a cheater for insisting that you wear a condom, especially if she is experiencing irritation and you accidentally gave her the impression you were sleeping with another woman (the hair tie, movie stuff). But there lies the rub. If she is a cheater, should I bother pursuing her and trying to tie her into a relationship she clearly isn't interested in continuing? I realize this is a very grey area. For me, it doesn't feel as simple as "there was no explicit verbal confirmation that we were monogamous so it wasn't cheating." We actually even once verbally acknowledged after sex on our third weekend "there are strings attached." Not necessarily meaning we were committed, but that there were strong feelings involved. And I know that's honestly how she felt at the time. I feel like there was a breach of trust. She continued texting me while she was sleeping with this other guy like she was still in it with me. Okay, the distance made coming clean to me less urgent, but she admitted to feeling bad while in the act with him. I see this as deception and guilt, which means she knew it wasn't okay. But I see her viewpoint, and the other viewpoints, as well. I wasn't acting like a boyfriend, I wasn't labeled as a boyfriend, she was unclear as to what we were doing and where it was going. My actions did, often, communicate that didn't care about our relationship. And as a newly single woman, she was within her right to date other men if she felt our thing wasn't going to work out. I had no rights to her loyalty, and me feeling like I was cheated on is just petty male entitlement and ego-nursing. She was never mine. I can see that too. So if she met another man in the downtime, and planned to move on to this new and more suitable thing, and just hadn't worked up the nerve to tell me yet, I can accept that and move on. There's nothing to forgive. I love her and want her to be happy. And there would be a chance for reconciliation if the new thing didn't work out, and I had grown and improved as a man. However, if she had been sleeping with someone else *prior* to sleeping with me again, basically overlapping the relationships, that means she is capable of having an intense, passionate, loving weekend with me while hiding something that I personally would not have been able to hide. I have a problem with that. Okay, as I mentioned above, she was never my exclusive girlfriend so she is free to date other men and it's none of my business. But, is that someone I want to pursue? And as for the irritation, I don't 100% buy that. If she wanted me to wear one because she thought I was with other women, that's something she would have confronted me on. There could be a totally innocent explanation for wanting to use the condom, I mean, does it relieve friction and irritation? Does it make sex less painful when there is irritation? What seems likely is that she had very recently had sex with someone prior to my visit and it was a half-assed attempt to protect our health and not feel like a dirty slut. Thoughts? Edited May 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author rjc149 Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 It seems from what I have read, you blew your chance. Everything you write seems to be about “I.” It seems she found what she was looking for and moved on. Unless you were in a committed relationship, she didn’t cheat. I'm able to own up to my shortcomings. But to me it's not black and white as "you weren't in a committed relationship so she did nothing wrong." I felt like she did something wrong, and she felt like she did something wrong. There were mutually held and acknowledged romantic feelings for each other. If we had both been under the impression that it was a casual FWB situation, you're right, she did nothing wrong. But we were both under the impression that it was much more than that. I think the 'official' label is really a technicality and a cop-out for her to own up to what she did. But I *think.* I'm not sure, I haven't decided. It's a gray area and I'm seeking opinions and advice, so I thank you for yours. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 Anyone who thinks of their potential gf as a "dirty slut" needs to just walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rjc149 Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 Anyone who thinks of their potential gf as a "dirty slut" needs to just walk away. Let me clarify -- I do not consider her to be a dirty slut. A 32 year old single woman can do whatever she wants. And I've spent my fair share of time playing the field. I have no horse to ride. But, women in our society are conditioned to feel like they are 'loose' if they have multiple sexual partners. I am surmising that her sudden, out-of-character demand that I use a condom was partially to suppress that conditioning. 'Dirty slut' is a colloquialism that was perhaps poorly employed in this dialogue, so I'll apologize for that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rjc149 Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) So the more time I've had to look at this in hindsight, the more perspective I have to see the bigger picture, and the story of our relationship. It's become apparent to me that she believed I was checking many of the boxes for "keeping my options open' with other women. She mentioned, at the beginning, that she knew I was a bit of a player and was hesitant to get her heart broken, being in the emotionally fragile state right out of a marriage. Prophetically, I told her she would break mine before I broke hers. As time went on, and I began checking more boxes -- inconsistent communication, aloofness, saying I'm 'too busy with work' for not texting her for days, pushing off her desire to visit me again soon after one of our weekends, refusing to have intimate conversations, being more focused on sex than emotional bonding, the hair tie in my apartment and the horror movie goof, and the big box of willfully avoiding the exclusive label -- she decided to keep her options open, and hedge herself against potential heartbreak with me. So she began dating other men, as a 32 year old single woman just out of marriage is entitled to, and should, do. She ended up forming a connection with one of the dates, and it developed into a sexual attraction. Absolutely, 100% my loss. She told me about it, as she felt I needed to know she had been dating others. Her reluctance to tell me she had been having sex ('we just made out') with this guy after initially agreeing to become a couple with me, telling me "I still think we were meant to be" after I told her no, now it's over with us, and her 'really? you're basing that decision off of our brief fling?' reaction to me saying we had no long-term potential, would all indicate that perhaps, she did not intend to end things with me. She was exploring greener grass, keeping options open, and protecting her heart from me, and I wasn't okay with that, and it ended the relationship. I reacted at first by calling her a cheater, saying she lacked integrity and honesty, but then softened by telling her I loved her and she had broken my heart. However, I now realize that considering her an 'ex' who dumped me for another guy isn't the correct way to see the story ... or is it? I know it's almost certain she would have eventually ended things with me to be with the other guy. She desperately needs the physical presence of a lover to feel fulfilled in a relationship. But I'm wondering if this is the right way to view the situation? If at the end, I have any reason to feel any resentment for her actions, which I am now beginning to understand more fully? Was my reaction overly dramatic? I'm in NC and I am still processing things. I am still really in love with her. Feedback and advice is immensely appreciated, thank you all so much. -- Edited May 30, 2019 by rjc149 Link to post Share on other sites
Inspire Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 I can completely understand why you feel slighted, hurt and jaded by what she told you but you two were not exclusive. She wanted a commitment, you said "not now", she told you she wanted more and you were passive to her needs. If you want her back you need to tell her that you love her and are ready to commit to a relationship. Tell her that what you said was in haste and out raw emotion but you understand what your part in that was and why she did what she did. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 You're right to question your view of her as 'an ex who dumped you for another guy' because it's totally inaccurate. Thing is, you have to agree to her being a girlfriend before she becomes one. As you wanted to hold her at a distance, she owed you nothing. And honestly, she deserves a man who wants her to be his girlfriend. She didn't cheat and she did nothing wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
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