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Q for guys......5 years, he should know what she is like and what he wants, right?

Lily blue

By Lily blue
in General Relationship Discussion

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Lily blue Established Member

Lily blue

Posted
Posted

Hello

Long time no see...

Quick question for the guys...

Been with man almost 5 years...both not young...he is 55 ....Man says I love you and want to spend the rest of his life with women he loves...always include her in his future plans..he say she is the best thing ever happened in his life...she try to break up cause seem like wasting time waiting...he begs for her to stay....she stay...

Ask about marriage...he say just let it happen naturally...don't give ultimatums...

Let it happen naturally....

 

What the heck that mean?

Almost 5 years, he should know what she is like and knows what he wants right?

Whats real meaning?

PRW Established Member

PRW

Posted
Posted

He's afraid of marriage, divorce, divorce courts, etc. Everything else is an excuse to avoid saying that.

  • Like 2
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
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Things are working just fine for him exactly the way they are and there's no reason to change it. Bottom line is if you are unhappy with the way things are, it's your problem and you have 2 choices: 1) stay with him and don't expect marriage and accept it the way it is or 2) tell him you're moving on because your goal is to be married and have children with a traditional household and you've wasted enough time with him.

 

You can't really give the milk for free for 5 years and then expect him to buy the cow. It's easier and cheaper to find a another cow who gives the milk away for free.

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

She's too old for kids, probably already has them.

 

A lot of seniors choose not to mix finances in their old age for various reasons. He is happy the way it is. I don't know what his financial situation is, if he owns anything, but if so, marriage is not a big plus for him because if it ends, she is enriched and he loses. A lot of people's adult kids don't want their parent to remarry because if he dies first, you'd inherit what he would normally pass to his children and it is a valid worry for adult children, too because there are plenty of people out there looking to fleece seniors.

 

Are you living with him or no?

  • Like 4
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
Man says ....he say ... he begs ...he say

 

He obviously can and will say anything. The question is, what has he done?

 

Those actions define his intentions, no need to wonder about the "real meaning" ...

 

Mr. Lucky

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted

Perhaps he is still trying to decide between you and his married boss?

 

Looking back, this is just the latest of the questions you have about this guy Lily blue. I’m somewhat surprised to see that you are still hanging in...

Foxhall Established Member

Foxhall

Posted
Posted

a lot of men in my country are wary now of the potential financial hazards!

 

we have become quite multi cultural in the last 15 years,

 

influx of foreign nationals who benefit from the relatively high wage levels and high welfare entitlements,

I am not anti them at all, personally I prefer a lot of these foreign nationals to my own compatriots but we will not get into that.lol!!

 

marry Irish men, divorce them and obtain half their assets,

 

I am sure it is similar for American guys, so that would partly explain it anyway,

 

leaving that aside, a bloke at 55 probably has become somewhat set in his ways and the word "marriage" comes across as a threat to his freedom

 

if there are no kids involved is there really a need to cement it with "marriage"

hmmn has he still a roving eye and is keeping the door half open for a sassy 37 year old,(maybe that is a little unfair!)

 

anyway there's a few possible reasons off the top of my head.

  • Like 1
FMW Established Member

FMW

Posted
Posted

I'm about his age, and a woman. I have absolutely no desire to ever marry again. That doesn't mean I don't want a committed monogamous relationship with one person for the rest of our lives.

 

Not wanting to marry you doesn't preclude him loving you and wanting to spend the rest of his life with you.

 

Is marriage a dealbreaker for you? If so, then it's probably time to look elsewhere since that doesn't seem to be something he's willing to offer.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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OP, why do you want to marry him?

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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I would understand a young woman in her 20s wanting to marry but a woman past 50? nah, why bother? Marriage is not going to keep him from cheating or leaving if it's what he wishes. You've got to decide: you want to be with him specifically ..or you want a marriage with someone.

DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted
She's too old for kids, probably already has them.

 

A lot of seniors choose not to mix finances in their old age for various reasons. He is happy the way it is. I don't know what his financial situation is, if he owns anything, but if so, marriage is not a big plus for him because if it ends, she is enriched and he loses. A lot of people's adult kids don't want their parent to remarry because if he dies first, you'd inherit what he would normally pass to his children and it is a valid worry for adult children, too because there are plenty of people out there looking to fleece seniors.

 

Are you living with him or no?

 

I see your point of view - but isn't that what prenups are for? I really have no idea - is there a way to stop the "inheritance" to the spouse and pass it on to the kids if someone passes away? Is that something that could be executed by a will?

 

@ OP - If after 5 years - and for all other purposes you've been together and basically do everything that a married couple would do - I would assume that he doesn't want to get married because of something against a belief he holds or he simply doesn't think that an "official" marriage needed.

 

Personally, if I've been with someone for 5 years or more - I'd know if I want to marry them or not. At least, I'd like to think so. That doesn't mean I would have mustered up the courage to ask - I'm just saying - after that amount of time, you have to ask, what's the hold up? Is he afraid of a change after a marriage is official or something?

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted

The guy is older. 55 right? I get it. After a certain age, is marriage really necessary? I'm totally OK with not being married but still having someone I love and who loves me very much and is there whenever I need/want him to be and vice versa. We aren't going to have children or buy a house, start a family. No real need for marriage. If after 5 years, it isn't clear that you love each other and support each other and you need to have marriage to put a period on it, it's not about the relationship is about validation and esteem. I'd rather have a guy be with me because he wants to be, not because of a piece of paper and a perceived chain around his ankle. That says a lot more than anything, I'd say. And, if they've been married before, eh, been there done that attitude comes in.

 

And, let's face it, an older man dating a 20 something woman has a lot more to lose if he marries. He's established. She's just starting out. What's she bringing to that table?

 

A younger woman who has been with a significantly older man for 5 years and wants to be married, needs to move on.

  • Like 2
Curiousroxy86 Established Member

Curiousroxy86

Posted
Posted

hmmm well if you want to be married and that is more important to you and he doesnt want to then you leave. let him beg all he want. he cant stop you from leaving him. thats your stance

 

are you willing to let go of your boyfriend? if not then you deal with the fact that he dont want to marry you or may not want to marry you ever.

 

what you dont do is stay hoping he all the sudden will change his mind

 

its either you leave him and find somebody you want that does want to marry you or you stay with him and just accept you more than likely will never get married as long as you do stay with this guy

 

if he is an otherwise good boyfriend and the only thing you see is that he dont want to marry you right now. one could just compromise and do away with the idea of marriage.

 

I personally am of the camp that I want to be with a man who does marry me within a reasonable amount of time together...right now.

 

but I cant say what I would really do if my boyfriend of 2-3 years who is genuinely a great boyfriend that I love and I have no shadow of a doubt loves me decides he doesnt want to be married......I can easily say I will leave because I want to be married but realistically I probably would be tempted to not ruin a good relationship and stay with him and decide to let go of that idea of marriage if I choose to stay.

 

if he is a sorry boyfriend leave anyway lmao

somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

Posted
Posted
a lot of men in my country are wary now of the potential financial hazards!

 

we have become quite multi cultural in the last 15 years,

 

influx of foreign nationals who benefit from the relatively high wage levels and high welfare entitlements,

I am not anti them at all, personally I prefer a lot of these foreign nationals to my own compatriots but we will not get into that.lol!!

 

marry Irish men, divorce them and obtain half their assets,

 

While I haven't studied Irish divorce laws specifically, in general this "half the assets" thing is a myth that really shouldn't be spread around.

 

After a divorce people receive half the assets OF THE MARRIAGE. That's money earned DURING THE MARRIAGE.

 

If you marry someone who has 1 million dollars and immediately divorce her, you don't get half a million each. You get half of what was earned during the time you were married (plus, possibly, alimony).

 

Sorry to be pedantic but it's important for people to understand what marriage is and what it isn't! Both of you get half of what was earned during the marriage, even if one of you did exactly zero work during the marriage. But you DON'T get everything they ever owned.

  • Like 1
Mysterio Established Member

Mysterio

Posted
Posted

When I read or hear people talk about problems. I always go underneath the layers of what's being said.

 

The OP's Boyfriend that is 55 to me is like this in my head. Mr. 55 wants to have a fun playful relationship with his GF and only do things like SEx/Romance/Sports watching/Seeing Movies/Rock Concerts. That's just my exaggerated view.

 

Mr. 55 does not want to hang out with his GF's parents or kids or have any heavy duty situation with her that does not have fun to it. If it ends. There is no financial Loss to him at all.

 

Marriage to Mr. 55 = if they break up. She gets half of his assets. Mr. 55 wants a GF. Not wife. He wants to have fun and getting married = no fun. Its obligations and duty.

  • Like 2
Curiousroxy86 Established Member

Curiousroxy86

Posted
Posted

A lot of women wonder about the why when the why don’t matter

 

Why won’t he marry me, why cant he understand what I need, why won’t he give me what I want, why is he distant, why did he say that, why did he cheat, why did he disappear, why didn’t he call, why why why

 

What matters is what is....he don’t want to marry you, he hasn’t married you, he don’t agree with you, he don’t want what you want...so what are you going to do about it

  • Like 3
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

He is 55, I guess he knows his own mind, you have been with him for 5 years, he is happy with the status quo, he is in no hurry to or he just doesn't want to marry you, that is the bottom line.

 

If you want to get married, then he is probably not the guy for you.

  • Like 1
Whodatdog Established Member

Whodatdog

Posted
Posted

At his age, theres no reason to be married. Truthfully, if you're his age too, theres no need for you to get married either, unless you are eyeballing his assets.

somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

Posted
Posted

Marrying late in life isn't going to get you a lot of assets, since only assets earned DURING the marriage count.

 

Well, I suppose if you're a black widow, then the assets count, since if someone dies while married and didn't leave a will, it will go mostly to the spouse.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted

Exactly, never do laundry for a man you aren't married to . . . and even then, he needs to do it himself sometimes.

JuneL Established Member

JuneL

Posted
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Lily, I hope you come back to respond to all the helpful feedback.

 

You mentioned that you sell stuff on the internet to make some side money. Perhaps you can turn it into a real (small) business? At the very least, tell your boyfriend that you want to spend more time on your biz and that you can’t take care of all the housework!

Fekenaws Established Member

Fekenaws

Posted
Posted

I think it's pretty obvious that he doesn't want to commit. You may be perfect, but he's in no rush. Without pushing for marriage, maybe bring it up in conversation that you'd be willing to sign a prenup so his assets won't be taken if a divorce happens. It would give him peace of mind if he's worried about economics.

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