Question for guys......

[Lily blue]

I have a question...maybe it's silly but I feel kind of left out...

I brag about my guy and always include him in social media, to friends, family and texting...like if we are out or at home, I always we either we, or him ( I use his mane) him and I such and such.....

 

But my guy do not.

He do not use or interest in social media and he has none of that so thats good and his profession, he avoids that.

He mentioned me to his family members and he use "We or she and I are such and such....

But at work, especially to one women, he never mentioned me....

Even if we are out shopping or out of town, if she ...its his Boss CEO...

Text him, he always respond...I m out of town or I m here such and such...he never use we or my girl friend I are ...whatever....

It bothers me that he acts and talks to her like he is single in text conversation with her.....

She likes him and text him a lot with her personal feelings for him...like she text him....I miss you.....and when he takes few days off...she text him...no fun at work without you.....she is married....he do not respond to her that way at all but still.....I don't know what he say or do in the work place but when we are together I know whats going on and what he respond.......he delete text messages before he comes home...

but I saw many text when he is at home....he leaves his phone in the kitchen and I can see when she text and shows content on the screen without touching his phone....anyway, is there reason why he won't mention me at all ?

Or is nothing to worry about it?

He told me over and over that he loves me only and has no interest in her and I told him not to respond to her text and he say he will stop but hasn't yet...it slow way down but I don't know how much they text at work cause he delete everything......he does talks about me at work to other people but never talks or mention about me to his boss.....why?

[d0nnivain]

I'm a woman. Some people speak in terms of couples (we) while others don't. My husband of 10 years still doesn't. I have told him it bothers me & he tries but he slips back. It's not a huge thing.

 

Do talk to your guy but don't get overly concerned about this.

[carhill]

I've dealt with the other side, women using sex and romantic interest to gain something for themselves having nothing to do with either.

 

BF likely has an angle with the boss and lets her flirt with him. It doesn't mean he's interested in her or wants to have an affair with her or cheat on you. If he's leaving his devices out and unlocked and you're seeing their interactions, then that's transparent and, if it's trending to personal rather than business, that's transparent as well.

 

Have you ever socialized with his boss and her husband?

 

It's up to you what boundaries you set for fidelity and care in your relationship or marriage. If you and he can agree, then continue; if not, move on.

[Lily blue]

She don't like me.

I only see her at events or company parties and she try to avoid me and she just stares at me here and there and they both try to avoid each other too when I am there.

Before, when He got hired at first, she always come sit next to him and stares at him and jokes with him right there but not anymore.

When I am not there, they sit together and talks and laugh or whatever....

When they attend events or meetings they always sit next to each other....many times, company post pictures of events and stuff and I see them sitting together in pictures.....

 

He leaves his phone in the kitchen but its locked...has passcodes.

But when text comes, it show few lines on the screen for 5 sec....or if I press screen, it shows text show who is from and few lines of text and disappears after few sec....I do not know his passcodes.

And he have lied to me so many times...about texting and he still lies...

Anyway, it bothers me whole thing.

[Kitty Tantrum]

My initial gut impression is that he's in an awkward position with his boss where he feels he has to balance holding her at arm's length while not actually outright rejecting her attentions - because he wants to keep his job and his standing in the company.

 

I'm not a guy, but I honestly don't use "we" or inclusive speech all that much. Pretty much only if I'm telling a story about something we did or experienced together. And I don't do that very much because I am a private, introverted person. Most of the things that are automatically "we" or "us" are things I would only ever talk about face to face with a close friend or family member. Especially with coworkers, I don't tend to divulge much of my private life at all. I've had people I worked with for months be like "OH MY GOD you have KIDS??!" when I finally mentioned them or brought them in with me - and lord knows I looooove my kiddos.

 

I think my fiancé uses "we" a lot more than I do, and sometimes in situations that make me scratch my head, because to me, "we" isn't really applicable to everything just because we're engaged. Sometimes he includes me in things he relates to his friends, which I really have/had no part in. I've always thought it's kind of sweet, but I'm not on board with doing the same myself because I'm one of those pedantic/literal/technical sorts.

[Orokotikki]

Sounds like an emotional affair to me (likely well established, at a minimum the beginnings of one).

Hope you put your foot down or cut yourself free.

 

I think you have every right to feel bothered about it, that it is wrong and disrespectful. Sorry you have to deal with this BS.

[Lily blue]

They both same age....she is 8 months older than him.....she is 55

She pay no attention to her hersband at all and she wants divorce bad but she is not because of money battle.....she wants her money...she told my guy.

 

Yes, I thought about that too...emotional affirs.

I try to leave him over this and he beg and cried, really he kneel down and cried and told me te loves me only and has no interest in anyone and told me he will stop texting but hadn't stop.....

 

He talked about marriage before many times but lately if I mention, he says marriage is only papers....and marriage is overrated......people live together for life and never get married.....he wants to live with me forever but marriage isn't important but it is to me.....and he say maybe it may happen naturally in the future.....

I think she, somehow, put that idea in his head.

I don't know.

She is CEO and He is top Vise President and CFO.....

He is smart and good looking and muscular...lift weights everyday so he looks good and fit...but she also changing her looks...botox, letting her hair grow long cause I have waist long hair nd he like long hair....she is on diet...well sterving her self and lost a lot of weight and skinny now....but not skinny as me...

Anyway, I have mixed emotions about it and bothers me....

[Orokotikki]

Oh and you're not even married?

I imagine you were one of my sister's telling me this, and immediately I know to answer you - leave him. Find someone who respects and values you.

 

He thinks marriage is just paper, but then apparently you are not even worth paper to him, let alone respect.

 

There are better partners out there.

[Lily blue]

No we are not married.

I like to marry not for money but my faith in God.

We been together over 4 years and he do not wish me to work yet...or he like any people coming over...i am alone everyday and he works long hours.

I clean house, do laundry and iron his work clothes...all his work clothes needs ironed.

I cook his breakfast, pack his lunch, and dinner ready when he comes home everyday...we eat out only once a week.....

But he eats out quit a bit at work meetings and stuff so he say, he likes home cooked meals.....He work long hours and woork out after dinner everynight so, he gets tired....I give him massages and now he ask for it all the time...

I asked him do you think any women do these things for you even that CEO?

He say no....just you....

CEO, she don't pay attention or has any feelings for her husband...they don't go anywhere together or do anything but her husband thinks she is just busy...

Some days she text my guy over 40 text....even telling him..she is eating dinner, or stuck at traffic....so on...

He ignores her text at home...maybe because of me....few times I felt asleep watching tv with him on the couch for few minutes and I wake up by tv loud noise...He is not there but in the bathroom with phone texting....he quickly hides....

 

Yes I feel like I m just house maid....and he has fun on the side.....

He told me I m the best thing ever has happened...but not wanting marriage because marriage is just a paper and don't prove anything.....and that he say what matter is we love each other.....anyway, I don't know....do I trust his word or his actions?

[elaine567]

I try to leave him over this and he beg and cried, really he kneel down and cried and told me te loves me only and has no interest in anyone and told me he will stop texting but hadn't stop.....

 

This is called an emotional escape.

It is about using an emotional response, often overdramatic to get oneself out of trouble, often accompanied by promises to reform, yet the perpetrator continues to do the same thing as if nothing happened.

The emotion used can be shouting, anger, screaming, losing it, depression, sadness, crying, etc....in fact anything to cause a distraction and thus allow them to escape from the consequences of their actions.

 

When you called him out on the texting, he started crying, you relented let him off the hook and once he knew he had you pacified, he just continued to text her as before. The tears were fake, merely designed to manipulate you.

He used emotion to allow him to escape from a bad situation.

 

 

It is not the sign of a good person.

[snowcones]

Never mind.

[preraph]

Well, he says he's not interested in her. It sounds like they're buddies at work. Yes, she may have a thing for him, but he seems fairly clear he loves you.

 

As far as you being stuck at home, that's up to you, not him. If you're bored, go get yourself a fun job since I guess you don't need the money.

 

Also, she is aware of you, so likely she's looked at your social media and knows you are a couple. Does it ever bother him she's texting when he's supposed to be off work?

[BaileyB]

It would seem quite clear to me why he doesn’t talk about you with his boss... it’s awkward to be talking about the woman you are dating with the woman you are have a relationship with at work. Even if nothing is happening between them, work is work and home is home. I’d say that he is demonstrating good boundaries, except clearly he has poor boundaries with this woman if she is texting him 40 times a day...

 

Lily, I’ve looked back over your past threads and you have a different issue about this guy every few months. Some issues are rather minor, while others are more serious (like the fact that he seems to be having an emotional affair with his married boss).

 

A recurring theme is that you do not trust him - you are concerned that he has inappropriate boundaries with his boss. Not to mention the fact that he works a lot, he can be moody (sometimes easily angered, other times depressed), and he is a germaphobe who does not give you the physical affection that you want in a relationship.

 

I’m curious, what keeps you in this relationship? Are you happy with this man?

Edited December 12, 2018 by BaileyB

[olivetree]

I think it's not a good sign that he deletes text messages before he comes home.

 

I doubt that he never responds to this woman's affections.

Would you continue to tell a man you miss him, etc if always ignored you?

Probably not.

[carhill]

I try to leave him over this and he beg and cried, really he kneel down and cried and told me te loves me only and has no interest in anyone and told me he will stop texting but hadn't stop.....

 

Wow, men actually do this and it works? I thought that scene in Blues Brothers was cheesy but perhaps I'm clueless.

[Els]

Lily, you need to start working. At the moment he can do whatever he likes, take you for granted as much as he likes, and you can't easily leave because you would be unable to support yourself.

 

 

I get that it's tempting to think "we don't need the money, why should I bother?", but it's not just about the money pe se. It's about the independence and the ability to steer your own life.

[Lily blue]

Oh yes.

 

You are all right about a lot of thing and make sense.

I am looking and applied jobs and got a call...just any job..don't care.

Staying home sux and very lonely.

But he do not want me to work any job because he say, working low paying job like casher or waitress things makes him look bad.

I make money on the side online and I never ask money nor he never gives it to me or offer me.

I am saving money.

I love him and I trust him on everything but I do not trust him about him and her.

We never fight about anything only fought 7 times over him texting and over his lies....and all 7 times he promise not to text her or respond to her text only strictly work related but that was lie.

 

At the same time, I feel kind of sorry for him..even thought he has pretty much everything and successful but he has no friends...he has high blood pressure and I cook very healthy and to control it and works pretty good.

He had few minor stroke at work and at home.

Before he met me, he was single and not seeing anyone for 7 years.

Work and come home watch tv and work out and go to bed.

That was his life.

His ex wife and ex girlfriend told me that he never flirt or cheat but work and working out was his life and sex wasn't important to him.

He is very serious and strict and very tense always and has germ a phobia and OCD that is another reason he hates kissing and never like oral sex...sex it self he thinks its dirty....i get a long great with his exes...and are my facebook friends but he hates it and he do not talk to any of them.

I get a long good with my ex husband too.

I don't hold grudges...but I do not like this boss women.

Also they both told me that they are very surprised about this issue cause he is kind of person cannot tolerate that kind of behavior and cheating and lying isn't his type ...and he say I m the best thing that ever has happened to him and loves me so why?

They both told me I m too nice and he do not deserve me...if it was them, they let him have it and left...

When he is done, he do not look back.

Anyway, he has a lot of great quality and very intelligent person.

I don't know...mixed feelings.

Inwant to leave yet if something happened to him, I feel awful and may not forgive my self cause he say he will kill him self if I leave ..he say life has no meaning without me...really?

 

I need to be strong and maybe just walk away....soon.

[BaileyB]

But he do not want me to work any job because he say, working low paying job like casher or waitress things makes him look bad.

 

I love him and I trust him on everything but I do not trust him about him and her.

 

Lily, you need a job for a variety of reasons. First, there is the fact that it gives you something to do everyday, it gives you social contact, and it builds confidence.

 

But more importantly, it is a foolish woman who allows herself to be dependent on a man. It's that old saying... "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." You would be very unwise to allow yourself to be dependent on a man - particuarly if you are not married and he is having an emotional affair with another woman.

 

It really don't matter what he thinks - you need to get a job and save some money so you are not left despondent if/when this relationship ends... If he loved you, he would respect your decision and support you in your attempt to secure your financial wellbeing and future.

 

In other words - it's not all about him (to be fair, it sounds like this is not something he understands easily in his life and if your relationship).

 

To be honest, he sounds like a terrible partner. And, the threat that he will kill himself if you leave - that's not ok. You really need to think about this relationship, IMHO. It sounds VERY unhealthy...

Edited December 12, 2018 by BaileyB

[BettyDraper]

Lily, you need a job for a variety of reasons. First, there is the fact that it gives you something to do everyday, it gives you social contact, and it builds confidence.

 

But more importantly, it is a foolish woman who allows herself to be dependent on a man. It's that old saying... "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." You would be very unwise to allow yourself to be dependent on a man - particuarly if you are not married and he is having an emotional affair with another woman.

 

It really don't matter what he thinks - you need to get a job and save some money so you are not left despondent if/when this relationship ends... If he loved you, he would respect your decision and support you in your attempt to secure your financial wellbeing and future.

 

In other words - it's not all about him (to be fair, it sounds like this is not something he understands easily in his life and if your relationship).

 

To be honest, he sounds like a terrible partner. And, the threat that he will kill himself if you leave - that's not ok. You really need to think about this relationship, IMHO. It sounds VERY unhealthy...

 

I knew a woman whose husband wouldn't allow her to go to school.

He was older than her and insecure about that. He was afraid that she would leave him for a younger man at school. I was disgusted. A man who loves a woman will want her to achieve her full potential.

 

My husband is the breadwinner and I do not work. Thankfully, I am completing an education with my husband's financial and emotional support. Power has not corrupted my husband because he is a good man whom I can trust. I think that concept is foreign to those who think that dependent wives are always abuse victims. I still have savings and investments in my own name should my marriage end, as well as a post nuptial agreement which my husband gladly signed after my lawyer drafted it. I'm actually having the time of my life being a foolish dependent.

[BettyDraper]

OP, being dependent on a man puts you in a vulnerable position.

It is not wise to be vulnerable to a man who has shown poor character-especially since you are not married to him.

 

If you don't have enough money to leave, I would suggest looking into staying with a friend or family member.

You are being emotionally abused and it's time to get out.

[BaileyB]

OP, being dependent on a man puts you in a vulnerable position.

It is not wise to be vulnerable to a man who has shown poor character-especially since you are not married to him.

 

This is it. Exactly.

[clia]

Let me see if I have this straight:

 

• He deletes his texts to her so you can't see them
  
• He hides from you to secretly text her
  
• She's texting him at times up to 40 times a day about things that are not work related
  
• He told you he'd stop texting her but he didn't
  
• He keeps his phone locked and you do not have the passcode
  
• They avoid each other when you are around, but when you are not around they sit by each other, talk, laugh, etc.
  
• He doesn't want to marry you
  

 

At best he's only having an emotional affair with her; at worst, it is also physical. His behavior is totally shady. There would be no reason to hide any of this from you or to lie to you if there wasn't something going on between the two of them.

 

You've posted your concerns about her before. Your gut is telling you the right thing. Ignore his tears and pleas that you are the only one for him. You are not.

[Els]

I knew a woman whose husband wouldn't allow her to go to school.

He was older than her and insecure about that. He was afraid that she would leave him for a younger man at school. I was disgusted. A man who loves a woman will want her to achieve her full potential.

 

My husband is the breadwinner and I do not work. Thankfully, I am completing an education with my husband's financial and emotional support. Power has not corrupted my husband because he is a good man whom I can trust. I think that concept is foreign to those who think that dependent wives are always abuse victims. I still have savings and investments in my own name should my marriage end, as well as a post nuptial agreement which my husband gladly signed after my lawyer drafted it. I'm actually having the time of my life being a foolish dependent.

 

 

Sure, I agree that there are situations where one partner being the breadwinner makes sense. H was the breadwinner when I went to grad school, too. And in cases where people are married and have children, sometimes it also makes sense for one partner to stay at home.

 

 

But in the OP's case there is literally nothing else going on. She isn't going to school, they're not married, there are no kids. She's just sitting at home bored out of her mind and dependent on an abusive partner who's clearly cheating on her. Because "her working makes him look bad".

[BettyDraper]

Sure, I agree that there are situations where one partner being the breadwinner makes sense. H was the breadwinner when I went to grad school, too. And in cases where people are married and have children, sometimes it also makes sense for one partner to stay at home.

 

 

But in the OP's case there is literally nothing else going on. She isn't going to school, they're not married, there are no kids. She's just sitting at home bored out of her mind and dependent on an abusive partner who's clearly cheating on her. Because "her working makes him look bad".

 

I stay at home partly because the job situation is dismal where we live and commuting costs are astronomical. Most of my earnings would go to commuting costs as well as work attire. It doesn't make sense for me to work.

 

My husband loves having me at home but that isn't due to a pathological need to control. He just enjoys not having to worry about household chores. My husband also loves having a wife who is not stressed out from work related issues. Our lifestyle works for us but we have received a lot of negativity about it. That's unfortunate.

 

I agree that a woman who stays home should have constructive activities to occupy her time and her mind. A housewife can only clean and cook so much. Daytime tv is trash and shopping out of boredom is wasteful. The OP should not be dependent on such a terrible partner.