He asked me to move in after 6 months

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree it's too soon and your arguments and anxieties will amplify once you don't have your own place to go to when needed.

 

You have nothing to lose by keeping your own place until things go to another level - you get engaged, for example.

 

Move in and lose your own place, and then if things don't work out, you have nowhere to go and it's a way bigger hassle. Keep your place and you have a much better safety net.

[preraph]

If you feel it's rushed, it's rushed. I think six months is too soon, way too soon, because it normally takes longer than that to know someone. Now, in his case, he's clearly not trying to still impress you so maybe you are getting to know his real self.

 

However, going through some of these things is important to know the whole person:

 

What's he like when you're sick? Is he supporting you or mad because you don't feel up to having sex?

 

What's he like when he's sick? Is he a big grouch or just a quiet patient who tries to do what he can for himself, or does he order you around and expect you to do what his mother did? Does he milk it?

 

What's he like if you don't feel like having sex and you do?

 

 

What's he like when his car breaks down or he has a car wreck? Does he fly off the handle? Was it his own fault? Or does he take a breath and start taking care of the problem without a lot of drama?

 

What does he do when you have car trouble? Does he leave work and come get you? Does he leave you on your own? Does he take over making decisions or do you make them, or do you consult each other and make them together?

 

What does he do when he wants a new toy very badly, like a huge tv or an X-box or new car but can't really afford it? Does he have to have what he wants when he wants it? Are you comfortable with that, taking on frivolous debt? Or do you agree on most money things? What if it's you that wants a $300 pair of shoes? This is one of the two biggest things that lead to divorce.

 

Can he fix things? Will he? Is he handy? If the pipe busts in the bathroom, what does he do? Does he have a key to turn the water off outside? Does he know whether there is a cutoff inside at the sink itself? And are you handy and resourceful? Can you two take care of a lot of things yourself to avoid unnecessary expense and ruination?

 

This one is probably the most important: What does he do when he can't have his way, whether it's about sex or housework or his employment? Does he rage? Does he negotiate? Does he compromise? You don't want a man who turns into a five-year-old when they don't get their way, because that is a rough life.

 

Don't move in with someone until you've seen them under those stressors because people can turn into a different person.

 

Also assess if he is a diligent employee or if he does as little as he can get away with because this will affect his success going forward and is an indicator what he will eventually be like with you as well. It's an indicator of his core ethics.

 

Be sure and have an agreement about splitting the housework equally from the get-go. Don't assume that just because he is neat (if he is) that he won't expect you to do it all. Time to talk about what happens if you accidentally get pregnant. Time to double down on the birth control.

 

Talk about kids and pets.

 

If you've already seen him in all those circumstances, then maybe you're ready. If not, take the time to see him at his worst.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 22, 2019 by preraph

[Ariesgirly]

You said he gets angry when he drinks, is that right? The other stuff is minor to me, but an angry drunk is a HUGE red flag. Is that how he copes with work stress? I wouldn't be moving in with anyone who does that personally.

 

Jay1971. No I did not say he is an angry drunk. I said I get angry when he gets too drunk. He is a lovey drunk....starts going into how Im the best thing that ever happened to him, I love you super kissy and and affectionate. I grew up with an alcoholic parent who WAS an angry drunk so I have some PTSD from this that comes out when ANY boyfriend has been drunk.

 

As far as work goes, I am well aware that is his life. He is actually prepping for a trial now and has been all month so I am seeing that side of him. A lot of late nights and stress. I have been trying to be as accomodating as possible. And to Preraph, He has pets and takes care of them, he got into an accident last week and went into work mode not flying off the handle over it. He is not an angry person and definitely knows how to pick his battles since he IS an attorney.

 

To be honest I am not sure there is anyone out there who could deal with me better. All past relationships my emotions have scared men off, they didn't take the time to understand my emotional side (I cry alot) and This man has let me know he knows this is how some women are, and he understands this is something that cannot change. Everyone else has been quick to react, angry, defensive, impatient and the relationship just blows up. He calms me down when I am in my head and is the reasoning I need to hear sometimes. He lets me know I don't have to be a perfectionist with everything and I will still be okay.

 

It is mostly annoying habits that have made me question things. I am not used to living with someone, or being in a serious relationship, and I am an only child who grew up getting my way. I wouldnt say these are incompatibilities but definitely an adjustment period will need to be had regardless if I move in now or in a year.

[preraph]

If you think you may have the bigger issues, then show him what you're like, whatever form it is, whether it's not compromising or not liking his decor, housework, whatever it may be. You need to see if you can bend. I am not an only child, but I almost seem like one as my sibling was seven years older and I was on my own a lot. I can't live with people and don't like other people's stuff, etc. Think about situations and talk to him about them.

 

Will he expect you to always be the one who goes the grocery store or run his clothes to the cleaners, just an example, and how would you feel about that. Be sure you can both handle a two-way street.

[d0nnivain]

It is mostly annoying habits that have made me question things. I am not used to living with someone, or being in a serious relationship, and I am an only child who grew up getting my way. I wouldnt say these are incompatibilities but definitely an adjustment period will need to be had regardless if I move in now or in a year.

 

You will be better prepared to deal with some of these after you have been together longer.

 

I am an only child. The first time I lived in the dorms at college I was overwhelmed; there were too many people around all the time. It took me a while to find places to hide to be alone.

 

When I moved in with a BF after grad school, again I was freaked out. He was always there. I couldn't get away from him. It wasn't against him or the relationship but there was no alone time. Us only children are used to solitude. I started coming home from work earlier & him a bit later so I got an hour to myself every day. That helped. Living with anybody is a new adjustment. It will take time & every adjustment is different depending on the people & timing.

 

Have you two travelled together? If not go on a trip with him. See how it is even on everybody's best behavior to be together 24/7. After trips with BFs, I always needed time alone to process & just be alone. I needed to get used to somebody always there.

 

Patience will pay off in the long run. Go through a full set of holidays & other stressors before cohabitation. You need to ease into this. you have work to do on yourself before you go down this road.

[mortensorchid]

I have this to say about moving in together : DON'T. You have known each other for six months. You don't know each other. You think you do, but you really don't. You are still in the infatuation period. When the endorphins / infatuation period wears off (and it will wear off), you better like that person. Not love, just like them. And you don't sound like you like each other very much if all you are doing is fighting. Think that will get better if you move in together? No, it will get worse. And then you will realize you have made a terrible mistake.

 

Know how many people I have seen who moved in together after six months and have it all fall apart in disaster? Don't be one of them.

[Versacehottie]

Are you moving in for financial reasons? You said you don't have a job rn. I wasn't sure if you are the same person that posted about similar situation and that was one of the factors (i.e. to share expenses & bc of distance)???

 

Idk, i'm not saying it's wrong but coupled with the fact that you don't have a job and have been fighting regardless of who is starting it (i.e. you apparently, due in part to your highly anxiety), i think you'd be moving into what would turn into a pressure cooker. You might ruin what, in time, could be a great and stable relationship if you do it too soon under the wrong conditions. If i were in your shoes, i'd want to get those more under control. While i think you should go to therapy as soon as you have insurance/can afford again, it's not going to be a magic cure and i think you have to look at yourself and know yourself at this moment. I think for the sake of the relationship, what harm is there with waiting some more? You need better footing PERSONALLY with your anxiety and your income, which should help the relationship and at least give it a chance, right? The world was probably different when your mom was growing up & getting together with your dad. You sound like you have wayyyyy too many fears to be doing this right now. That sounds like a big difference at the very least between how your mom handled it and perhaps how you should handle it. Just my two cents, as they say. Good luck

Edited May 22, 2019 by Versacehottie

[smackie9]

Don't move in together. How can you possibly know someone in 6 bloody months. Sure you are in the honey moon phase and you can't get enough of each other....BUT it's not a right of passage in a relaitonship no f-ing way. IMO if there is no ring on the finger, then there is no point in doing it until then.

[h0000]

Jay1971. No I did not say he is an angry drunk. I said I get angry when he gets too drunk. He is a lovey drunk....starts going into how Im the best thing that ever happened to him, I love you super kissy and and affectionate. I grew up with an alcoholic parent who WAS an angry drunk so I have some PTSD from this that comes out when ANY boyfriend has been drunk.

 

Listen to yourself. You said you get mad that he gets too drunk, now you say "but hes a lovey drunk" (wtf??) so makes it ok that he drinks lots now? And it's your fault for getting mad because you suffer PTSD from angry drunks?

 

You said you get mad when he watches TV for hours till no end, now you say he just under lots of stress so it's your fault again now for not understanding?

 

Frankly, I dont think drinking and watching TV till no end are petty things. I think you are trying really hard to convince yourself that this is a good idea to the point you cant tell what's right and what's wrong anymore. and everything is just your fault, is your problem. That you better suck it up and not get mad at anything he does otherwise you wont find anyone better. You two are incompatible because you have different style and attitude towards life. It's gonna require lots of love and strong foundation to overcome the differences. You aint got that.

 

No one here thinks you should move in. Everyone can see the issues. But we arent asking you to end it. Just slow it down. Its your decision in the end. Good luck.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

No one here thinks you should move in. Everyone can see the issues. But we arent asking you to end it. Just slow it down. Its your decision in the end. Good luck.

 

Ding. Ding. Ding!

 

 

Ariesgirly -- we get it. You are the ram. But just don't. Even rams are sure of their footing before charging ahead. Slow down!