Insensitive comment?

[Curiousroxy86]

Op I don’t think it will do you any good to continue to ask what he really thinks.

 

Especially since now he want to deny and gas light

 

If you stay I recommend next time he says something that’s really not okay about your body and looks to not go into questioning mode of “why you say that” “what does it mean” or negative mode like “omg I can’t believe you said that”. You should go to confident mode like I mentioned to you earlier and let him know what’s up. Don’t ask questions. Don’t even try to convince him to agree just simply make a direct statement and say no more about the conversation “I love my body the way it is and if it’s a problem for you then I don’t want you”. Keep it simple. Keep it matter of fact. Keep it short. Don’t even need to be super emotional about it. If he responds with bull**** say no more you said what you had to say. If he responds with apology and sincerity then you can simply say “apology accepted” and go right back to continuing the relationship as positively as you can. You deal with it then you drop it. If he does it again and the comment was really not okay then you drop him. He may take you much more seriously this way instead of going into questioning, convincing, and emotional react mode. You don’t let a man think that his words make you insecure. It’s okay those feelings will come we are human. But try to respond with strength. This is his problem not yours.

 

If you decide to just let him go anyway I wouldn’t blame you. But I think if you stay you won’t have to feel like you have to tolerate it. Just an alternative.

[Interstellar]

What do you mean only guys watch porn? women read and watch porn too: it’s called romance novels/movies. Those cheesy paperbacks they buy at the airport stand in between flights or at your local bookstore.

 

It sounds like your relationship has been great up until this point. I’m sure you have said something or done something in the past that’s drove him crazy too but he didn’t brought it up because guys like to bottle things up, so you may have to let this one go. Now if he brings it up every month for the next forty years then that’s gonna drive you nuts but he hasn’t for the past eight years I’m assuming, from the way you described your relationship.

Edited May 22, 2019 by Interstellar

[elaine567]

The OP is 50 she is going to get saggy/wrinkly bits, she does not have the huge firm butt he obviously enjoys in porn and You-tube.

Not content to point out the "bad bit" of her butt, and even after the big row and make up sex, he emphasised again that area of looser skin...

During doggy style he even covers up HER butt... no doubt fantasising about women with huge butts...

 

He just asked me why the sad face, I am sick of the sad atmosphere from you the past few days.

Is he for real?

 

Now she is turned off and I don't blame her.

Men if they want sex from older women need to be ultra careful about the stuff they say and do.

He metaphorically punched her in the stomach here, then had the cheek to tell her to cheer up as she was spoiling HIS day...

He has potentially spoiled her day, her month, her year...

 

He has history here of pulling the OP down over her looks, obviously he has not changed one bit.

[stillafool]

Wouldn't it be great if women didn't give a (bleep) about what men thought of our looks? What a wonderful world it would be.

[elaine567]

No-one wants to be seen as second class in a relationship.

 

Try criticising a man's penis and watch the fall out, but women need to accept the criticism, be less sensitive, take it as read that what men really want is not usually her, but that men are settling and making do... and she has to be happy with that.

[FMW]

I always think that guys who do things like that are insecure and trying to keep the woman insecure as well.

[stillafool]

No-one wants to be seen as second class in a relationship.

 

Try criticising a man's penis and watch the fall out, but women need to accept the criticism, be less sensitive, take it as read that what men really want is not usually her, but that men are settling and making do... and she has to be happy with that.

 

Yeah OP, you should grab his foreskin and ask him "has this thing shrunk?" Then as you walk away say in a matter of fact way "Um, can probably get an injection for that." (I know I'm mean)

[todreaminblue]

your post reminded me of my texts to my ex when we were together.....when i would feel cheeky.... i would tell him by text i was looking forward to him finishing work because i needed a protein injection....and i didnt mean i wanted actually fillers....but penis in particular his protein........injection....it probably wasnt really subtle never had to explain to him what i wanted hence i guess...not so subtle.........he did always oblige.....:0).....

 

i understand he makes you insecure....his apology to you did it seem sincere? if so try and accept his apology and pull him up if it happens again....but move on from his thoughtless words.....personally i can say stupid stuff....we all do......forgiveness when we give it is for us too....because we know we make mistakes too and..so we can move on...i hope everything works out and he isn't so thoughtless in regards to his perusal of you in the future..and realises how lucky he is you have a forgiving heart.....good luck...deb

Edited May 22, 2019 by todreaminblue

[elaine567]

Yeah OP, you should grab his foreskin and ask him "has this thing shrunk?" Then as you walk away say in a matter of fact way "Um, can probably get an injection for that." (I know I'm mean)

 

I know it is a joke but that is basically what he did.

[amaysngrace]

I’d be so turned off by him. Who cares if he’s a good cook? I’d eat carrot sticks and ranch every day rather than put up with that.

[stillafool]

 

I would love a bigger penis and for him not to have lost most of his hair but I would NEVER say that or hint at it because I love him. This just makes me dislike him the more I think about it and wonder if there is any point hanging around.....

 

Well maybe you should stop being so nice and let him know about his flaws as well. Men are more insecure about their hair loss than women. Start commenting on some guys beautiful head of thick hair. (Oh God, I'm so mean): Follow it up with you heard that men with thick hair have thick penises.

[Jay1971]

Uhhhh. . . I posted my initial opinion based on what you originally said. With the new info obviously since he has made comments in the past about your weight & looks there may be more to this.

 

Still I'm not totally following. What do injections have to do with weight loss? Obviously if a partner is commenting that an SO should look into something as drastic as plastic surgery for cosmetic rather then health reasons, that is an inappropriate comment.

 

However, I still find you to be overly sensitive about your weight & looks. He may be targeting those areas of weakness on you which is a very poisonous behavior but part of you needs to toughen up & be more comfortable in your own body. You say you had a good romp; why can't that be your focus as in if he didn't find you attractive he would be there, having sex with you? Even in this thread I find you going straight for the negative, no matter what somebody says. I suspect it's even more prevalent with him............

 

I don't think he meant weight loss, he meant gain. Women are having injections of their own fat... or I have read silicone/other fillers, into their bottoms. I don't think there are butt injections for weight loss, rather, it is to give a fuller bottom, to gain weight in effect in a specific place.

 

Perhaps I am being too negative, but he didn't help when I asked him what he actually meant. His explanation was really bizarre.

 

Maybe I jumped straight for the negative conclusion, but then as I said, in the past, he has come out with totally random observations about my body which have had nothing to do with the conversation at that moment, nor the situational context. Once we had been out for a lovely walk, and on the way home, he rubbernecked someone. I ignored it, we had had a nice walk, he noticed an attractive young woman, whatever. The minute we were back home, before I even had the chance to make us a drink, take off my shoes etc., he touched my chest and said "When you were younger your breasts were bigger here". WTF? He couldn't understand why I would find it odd or offensive and said I was being too sensitive. This was ages ago though, like way back in 2012 or something. There was no context, we were not discussing how we were when we were younger, it was the first thing he said when we got back home. Strange? Does he have foot in mouth disease?

 

Another time, we had just had sex, basking in the afterglow, and then he got hold of the TINY bit of flab on the back of my arms and said "you need to be careful". Bloody cheeky if you ask me. He was serious and not joking. Or how I need to make sure I don't get a fat arse. If I DO need to lose weight or tone up, there is a time and a place to tell me those things, not randomly or after sex, but the comments... and the others, and I am not going to list all of them here, felt like spiteful jibes. Effectively I could be more toned, but I am already fairly fit with a slim to curvy figure and not much of a belly at all - if I were overweight, then I might think he was trying to be "helpful" for my health", even if the attempts were pretty clumsy, but then I can't do anything about my breast size and reminding me of how they were bigger and firmer when I was 20 is REALLY not kind. It was not said in a "WOW, you were super hot when you were young and you still are" kind of way either. It was said in a flat kind of observational way, like a scientist dictating a report.

 

Other times he will tell me I look great and have a lovely body, but the jibes from earlier on came back into my head when he made the butt injection comment. I hope that makes sense and gives some context.

 

Perhaps I am sensitive about my body, most women are a little, especially in this Instagram age, but until he started making odd comments, I never looked at my body in a particularly negative light. I run, swim, horse ride, climb, and love that my body can still do those things. I look great in a tight pair of jeans or a pretty dress. My friends always tell me I look great when I go out, I get loads of attention from guys, I generally just feel good about myself. But because I love him.. loved... ? him..... I listen .. listened to what he had to say as if were gold, his comments about anything, but maybe I should not have taken them to heart.

 

I tried to put myself in his shoes, now imagine you are commenting about his body in the way he has commented about yours. Or making random odd observations, giving strange advice ... I just couldn't do what he did. It felt wrong, it felt nasty. I imagined touching his skinny legs and saying "You need to go to the gym" after sex... whaaaaaaaaaat? Like an equivalent random comment. Would you interpret that as hurtful if your partner did that? No matter how much body confidence you have?

[JuneL]

I don’t know why you’re still with this jerk. But you break up with him, tell him you’re tired at his “Lady Finger banana”

[LurkerXX]

It feels nasty because it is nasty...he likes to keep you on edge. It's manipulation.

[Jay1971]

I'm coming back to my thread after a horrible flu. Phew, but it gave me a lot of downtime, which was also a lot of time to think about the relationship. Thank you every single person who replied to me, I am really grateful that people took the time to share their opinions and advice.

 

I haven't ended it yet, but I intend to. He is currently working away for a few months, so I haven't actually see him for a couple of weeks, but he has invited me to stay with him for a few weeks where he is working some time around the end of this month. He may be there until the end of August. I do not intend to go. But I haven't told him this yet. There will be the right time and the right place and I have felt so very weak and down with the flu virus and couldn't be bothered to address it.

 

But as I said, I have been doing a LOT of reflecting and I just cannot accept, excuse or forgive this stupid comment, nor his pathetic and ridiculous attempts to wrangle his way out of what he said and to push it back onto me as me being too "sensitive" yet again, just as he did way back. If I look at the relationship as a whole, I can say that this WAS very much a pattern with him for the first few years at least - things were great and ticking along nicely, and then BOOM, out of the blue he would say or do something insulting - something I excused way too readily for various reasons.

 

His great points are he is an amazing cook and always willing to shop for me, cook my favourite dishes, make a real effort to please me. He always seems so willing to please in that way. He's great around the house, great at cleaning and gardening. And the physical chemistry has never gone away.

Naturally I KNOW a relationship is about soooo much more than those factors, and of course that's only explaining a handful of the ways in which I feel compatibility, a connection etc., but then I read something recently whilst in my sick bed that really made me stop and reevaluate EVERYTHING. Now whether he is an abuser or not is not for me to say, but there was a line in an article about verbally abusive partners that read something along the lines of "An abuser is never abusive 100% of the time. If he/she was, then the abused person would never stick around."

 

I'm kind of standing back from it all and wondering whether the pattern which was clearer at the beginning of the relationship actually never really changed fundamentally at all. I mean HE never really changed. He just got better at hiding his nastiness and deeper feelings most of the time to keep me around, but every now and then he simply couldn't help himself and the nice "mask" simply slipped. The stuff he said and some of the stuff he did early on, some of it I haven't talked about here, but it involves some really hideous verbal abuse after I was in hospital for a few days after an accident, and next to no support after I miscarried. I always forgave him and accepted his explanations and reasons for turning on me, but now I wonder was I right to do so. Also snarky, sarcastic comments that I was "useless at cleaning" and when I called him out, he would deny he said it, and when pushed, of course I took his jokes the wrong way ALL THE TIME.

 

At one point I also discovered he was searching for sex clubs in his area on his phone, and in another area he has apparently never been to. He insisted that nothing had happened, that he doesn't even know how those things showed up in his phone, that it must have been a friend using his phone, etc etc etc.

 

I had a long discussion with my best friend about this and she said she would have ditched him right after the first time I was seriously ill and he bailed on me and abused me. She could not understand how I could even forgive such shocking behaviour. He also had zero interest in my pregnancy and said some incredibly selfish things after I told him I was pregnant. He had time off work when I miscarried, but did not come to support me.

 

It looks as if I am painting a bleak picture of him, but maybe I just was unwilling to see the reality of who he really is. This goes deeper than just criticising my body. I have made excuses for this man and kept going back every single time.

 

It's time to jettison this man back into the pond. My reluctance to do has no doubt been due to hanging onto great sex and tasty dinners, but this person is not my life partner, and he never has been. How I will end it, who knows. But it really has to end. I deserve so much better.

[Jay1971]

The OP is 50 she is going to get saggy/wrinkly bits, she does not have the huge firm butt he obviously enjoys in porn and You-tube.

Not content to point out the "bad bit" of her butt, and even after the big row and make up sex, he emphasised again that area of looser skin...

During doggy style he even covers up HER butt... no doubt fantasising about women with huge butts...

 

 

Is he for real?

 

Now she is turned off and I don't blame her.

Men if they want sex from older women need to be ultra careful about the stuff they say and do.

He metaphorically punched her in the stomach here, then had the cheek to tell her to cheer up as she was spoiling HIS day...

He has potentially spoiled her day, her month, her year...

 

He has history here of pulling the OP down over her looks, obviously he has not changed one bit.

 

Thanks Elaine, I noticed your comment before I got flu and wanted to say cheers

[preraph]

Well I'm really glad that you have come to a decision, and I'm really happy that he is going to be a way so that you can move out and break up without the fear of him coming home and wreaking havoc. that is really ideal so please do take advantage of that situation and make a clean break so you don't have to come back and see him to pick something up. Sorry you're losing a good cook and shopper. maybe you could go take a cooking class and meet another guy who likes to do that too!

[Jay1971]

I thought this was a good article:

 

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2011/09/examples-of-verbal-abuse

 

I think I have had cognitive dissonance. So much of the relationship has been, at least on the surface and in MY MIND, great. And most of the time he is supportive, kind, gentle, giving and loving. But then that 5% of the time, the nastiness has been real, but because so occasional, I forgave and swept it under the rug. Excused it or rationalised it. The excusing and forgiving is exactly what an abuser thrives on. I'm going to pull every one of those darned incidents out and reexamine it, because THOSE were the times that he showed me who he REALLY is. I have never deliberately hurt him, poked fun of some part of his body or said anything at all malicious. I would never want him to ever feel less than. His insults say a lot about who he really is underneath the "great" facade.

[Curiousroxy86]

Good for you op. A lot of times there is always more to the story then what is written on the forums so I get it. Most relationships are mostly good and they have that 5-10% that’s flawed however the flawed part is important to evaluate.

Every person in a relationship has to determine if it can handle the flaws since flaws will always be present. If I was in a relationship and the only thing that was bad that there were ongoing put downs and I already told him it wasn’t okay I wouldn’t stay either. The sex club thing and not being there for me through the pregnancy really would have been a deal breaker. A lot of us had/have to learn what our boundaries are. Good luck!

[Jay1971]

https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/10-patterns-of-verbal-abuse