elaine567 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Feeling sorry is one thing, feeling sorry enough to do something about it is a different thing all together. His loyalty is to his wife and child. He clearly showed that when on D-day he didn't come running to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 he can have a good relationship with his kid after divorce right...? how do i convince him about it...? You don’t. You respect his decision to stay with his wife and child. YOU need to make YOUR OWN DECISIONS accordingly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 The victims here are his wife and kids, get some self respect and walk away today. Go find that man who can give you that relationship you crave, the one where you can walk together in the daylight. Be honest, you already know it's not your MM or you wouldn't be here... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Another thread asked, what makes a woman relationship material vs fwb material?, and one male poster said. A woman you can be proud of = relationship material. A woman you are not proud of = casual/fwb. Here he is not proud of you, you are not relationship material to him, hence why you are kept hidden away in the shadows... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Another thread asked, what makes a woman relationship material vs fwb material?, and one male poster said. A woman you can be proud of = relationship material. A woman you are not proud of = casual/fwb. Here he is not proud of you, you are not relationship material to him, hence why you are kept hidden away in the shadows... A woman is begging a married man to leave his wife and kid and marry her? sory to be brutal,what is there to be proud of? a man has his basic instincts and most men see other women just as that-not wife material.A woman with self respect would never allow her self to become involved with a married man 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 he can have a good relationship with his kid after divorce right...? how do i convince him about it...? In effect, you are asking him to put your needs ahead of his child's.He's already putting his own needs first, there's no more room for you or anyone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 In effect, you are asking him to put your needs ahead of his child's.He's already putting his own needs first, there's no more room for you or anyone else. Oh, but if only his needs would line up with her needs, life would be grand! Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 he says he feels my pain of not having a relationship like other girls... a "normal" relationship where the couple can talk hug kiss and do whatever they like when they like...... but, if he feels it, why is he doing nothing to change the situation? he can have a good relationship with his kid after divorce right...? how do i convince him about it...? Walk away. He is doing nothing about it because in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter to him. You aren't wife material, just FWB material. You will never have what you want with him. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 (edited) i want to ask him "if you do love me, you would want me to be happy, you know I'm in pain because we can't marry, so why don't you leave her and marry me if you love me and don't want to hurt me?" but he is not even letting me talk about marriage saying "please don't pressure me" i wish i could say "oh f*** it, if you don't want to marry me, you don't love me.you don't care if i am suffering, so i am gone" but i can't... i have tried many times to just say that and stop. but i can't ... i just circle back to him every time... i can't stop dreaming that if i hold on long enough, one day he will say "i can't see you suffering, i know you want to marry me and that will make you happy, i want to leave her and marry you" on the other hand, i keep saying to myself --- hey, he knows you love him and that you want to marry him, he knows you are sad because you are not with him... and he is okay with it, he doesn't care about your feelings so let go. i hope one day the courage to leave will become larger than my love for him... i know i am a mess and i keep saying the same things. but when it gets unbearable typing a message like this and expressing the pain keeps me sane... i just want to thank every one of you for the support.. I'm sorry you are hurting OP, but I have to say the above post comes across as selfish and even somewhat pathetic. Selfish because you seem to believe that your feelings trumps the feelings of everyone else in this situation. I get that your pain is of utmost importance to you because it's your pain. However you are not the only person the MM has to consider. Leaving his family will bring pain to his children, his wife, and most importantly (to him) it will cause him pain. You want multiple people to hurt and suffer for the sake of your happiness. Pathetic because you hope that one day the MM will take pity on you and leave his marriage just because he feels sorry for your suffering. Yuck! I would hate for anyone to choose me just because they feel sorry for me. If I were to ask someone why they chose me, I would want the answer to be along the lines of "because of your great qualities, because you are beautiful and you bring so much happiness and joy to my life that I can't imagine my life without you". If someone told me they chose me because they felt bad for me and just wanted to make me happy, I'd feel insulted. You can't convince him to leave his family. He doesn't want to and he values his spouse and kids more than he values you. By begging him to pick you, you are just causing him to devalue you even more. He sees that you don't even respect or value yourself and that makes you an even a less attractive option to him. Nothing you say is going to sway him to leave his family because HE DOESN'T WANT TO LEAVE. I think the where you are going wrong here is that you're assuming he doesn't want to leave his family simply because he doesn't want to hurt them. That is not the case. He doesn't want to hurt himself. He knows that HE would be devastated to lose his marriage and family. You want him to destroy himself to make you happy. Now why would he do that? What is so great about this guy? It sounds to me like you have hung your entire sense of self worth on getting this guy to pick you. I feel like if he wasn't married you wouldn't be nearly this obsessed with him. You have made this a competition that you feel you have to win, otherwise you feel worthless and defeated. This is unhealthy and you could probably benefit from some therapy. Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed spacing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 3, 2019 Author Share Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) here is what he is saying now.... "if i did not have the kid, i would have left her by now" " kid needs both his mom and dad living together" "if i divorce that bond with the kid will be gone" i am just astonished at how this man who says he loves me more than anyone is ignoring my pain and thinking only about his kid... if he loved me, he would have thought about us both.... Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed spacing Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 i am just astonished at how this man who says he loves me more than anyone is ignoring my pain and thinking only about his kid... if he loved me, he would have thought about us both.... Exactly. He doesn't love you enough to chose you. What happens next is entirely up to you. You can stay knowing nothing will change. Or you can walk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 What do you mean, here is what he's saying now? That's what he's been saying for a while is it not? I mean it even says so in your thread title, but you write "here is what he's saying now" like this is the first time you have heard him say he's staying for his kids. Is anything anyone has said on this thread getting through to you? It doesn't seem like it if you are still astonished that he isn't leaving. I'm not defending your MM. He is a selfish lying jerk, but when you get right down to it everyone has a responsibility to make themselves happy and your MM is making himself happy by staying married and having a side chick. He has no obligation to put your happiness above his own. If you are unhappy then you can walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 3, 2019 Author Share Posted June 3, 2019 What do you mean, here is what he's saying now? no... it's been various reasons... sometimes it's -his parents won't talk with him again if he divorces- sometimes it's -he won't be able to see his kid grow up- That's what he's been saying for a while is it not? I mean it even says so in your thread title, but you write "here is what he's saying now" like this is the first time you have heard him say he's staying for his kids. Is anything anyone has said on this thread getting through to you? It doesn't seem like it if you are still astonished that he isn't leaving. I'm not defending your MM. He is a selfish lying jerk, but when you get right down to it everyone has a responsibility to make themselves happy and your MM is making himself happy by staying married and having a side chick. He has no obligation to put your happiness above his own. If you are unhappy then you can walk away. it is easy to say to leave... i tried it several times... but i always end up missing him and going back to him.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 3, 2019 Author Share Posted June 3, 2019 if i could just say "oh f you, if you don want to divorce her and marry me , i am gone.because you don't love me enough to think about my happiness and commit to me, to select me" that would be great. i have typed that message many times too... but then ..... i delete it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 3, 2019 Author Share Posted June 3, 2019 today i told him "you don't love me. if you loved me you would want to marry me and you would not just stay without doing anything even though you know i am in pain because you are with her" i think this is the 1st time i got so direct about the "you don't love me" topic.. he insists that he does love me and that he is sad too but his kid needs him. i said if you are sad why don't you leave her? he said because he can't... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 i am just astonished at how this man who says he loves me more than anyone is ignoring my pain and thinking only about his kid... if he loved me, he would have thought about us both.... I am just astonished how you would think YOU as his OW, would come before his child. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 Your head knows that he will never leave. Change is scary & you don't want to be alone. Every day you get your heart broken over & over. Eventually you will get sick of it & leave. You just aren't ready yet. You'd rather be treated like this because in your mind it's better then being alone. When you stop feeling like that & start to remember that you matter, you will eventually have the courage to leave. Just don't get pregnant because no child deserves to be abandoned by its dad. Do not doom a baby to a life of being a 2nd class citizen in dad's life because he still won't step up & fully be there for a new child. His existing family comes 1st. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 You don't want to be alone, but you refuse to realize that you are alone now. Love does not conquer all. You are not more important to him than his children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 You need to frame this differently. NOT "If you love me, you'll leave her." But instead: "If I love me, I'll leave you." I personally don't put much stock in love as a feeling. It comes and goes. I put stock in love as a choice, an action, a commitment. I'm sure he feels like he loves you. But he doesn't love you with his actions, and nothing you say will change that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 i am just astonished at how this man who says he loves me more than anyone is ignoring my pain and thinking only about his kid... if he loved me, he would have thought about us both.... op, do you really want to be with a man who would put his own needs ahead of his child's? Is that really the type of man you want to be with? Come on now, it sounds to me like you've lost "you" in the affair. It's time you found her again. I know it may not seem like it, but you don't need him. What brought you joy, made life worth living and put a smile on your face before you met this guy? Those things haven't' gone anywhere. they are still there. "You" are still there. I know you're hurting, but try flipping the situation around. Right now, you've got this albatross (AKA : "married man") around you neck, weighing you down. Don't give him that power over you! You are stronger than that! I know this might sound odd, but ending your relationship with him could be the start of something wonderful for you. After you've picked yourself up, brushed yourself off and gotten the lay of your new landscape, it could be the start of some amazing adventured ahead! You'll be free to enjoy them and to discover the many wonderful parts of yourself you don't even know yet. By staying with him, you've become bogged down in inertia. Don't let him do that to you. Don't let him stand between you and the bright days ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 i am just astonished at how this man who says he loves me more than anyone is ignoring my pain and thinking only about his kid... if he loved me, he would have thought about us both.... As others have said, I am absolutely astonished to think that you would EVER think that he would put your feelings ahead of his child. Or his wife - the woman with whom he has chosen to build a life with and the mother of his child - for that matter. I am also astonished that a woman would have such little self respect that she would grovel to a man - asking him to love her and leave his wife and family to make you happy. And yet, here you are... week after week... throwing your child’s tantrum because you can’t get what you want. To answer your question, your happiness is important - BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF EVERYONE ELSE. Show some self respect and walk away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 there is no competition , i just would like a life spent happily with the man i love. is that too much to ask for? A happy, lifelong relationship is not too much to ask for, but it takes two healthy people, and you don't have that right now. You can't control him. You can only work on getting yourself healthy. would you rather prefer it if i am in pain and everyone else is happy...? of course i think about me.. when faced with sadness i think everyone wants to do what they can to turn it in to happiness.... Joy that comes at the expense of others isn't joy for me. We are all connected, and when we hurt others, we hurt ourselves. I have no doubt that if I were single, I could find a suitable partner to have a joyful life with where we lift each other up and bring out the best in each other. I am blessed to already have that with my husband, but when I discovered he was cheating and offering me far less than I deserved, I was instantly on my way out the door. A selfish, unhealthy, immature man can't make me happy. So I didn't waste my energy convincing this man to love me. He could become a person worthy of me, or not. Either way, I was going to be happy. I am happy because joy is a way of life. My circumstances don't matter. A grateful and open heart will always have joy. Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 it is easy to say to leave... i tried it several times... but i always end up missing him and going back to him.... I haven't read all your thread so sorry if this is already on it...have you tried individual counseling to understand why you keep going back? There is something you can heal, that once healed, will keep you from going back. Counseling, even group therapy, is probably the way to get you what you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abandoned2018 Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 As others have said, I am absolutely astonished to think that you would EVER think that he would put your feelings ahead of his child.i am not asking him to put my feelings ahead of his child. i am asking can we make a compromise where he can be with his child and have me in his life too. Or his wife - the woman with whom he has chosen to build a life with and the mother of his child - for that matter. I am also astonished that a woman would have such little self respect that she would grovel to a man - asking him to love her and leave his wife and family to make you happy. And yet, here you are... week after week... throwing your child’s tantrum because you can’t get what you want. yes, i can't have what i want. am i allowed to be sad about it and request what i want and try to get what i want or do i need to shut up and be a doormat about it? To answer your question, your happiness is important - BUT NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF EVERYONE ELSE. Show some self respect and walk away.i would if i could. it's not like i haven't tried... i did not get in to this situation willingly... i fell in love and i would love a life with him... Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 i did not get in to this situation willingly... i fell in love and i would love a life with him... But he does not want a life with you except you as his side, little extra, secret. Accept that or move on. He will just keep giving you excuses. There are other men out there. He doesnt want to give up his marriage for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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