Boyfriend prefers talking rather than text

[unevenXchange]

Way to be in the moment and not expect to have total control over everything.

 

It’s not easy to do , especially not for men. Just know that even when it seems as though he’s chilling and not bothered by anything, he’s likely thinking almost habitually about what you’re doing and how to get and maintain the UPPERHAND.

 

I’m just saying... based on your posts about him.

[Whodatdog]

Funniest title to a thread I think Ive ever read. Imagine actually wanting to talk to someone instead of texting.

 

Hilarious.

[surferchic]

Funniest title to a thread I think Ive ever read. Imagine actually wanting to talk to someone instead of texting.

 

Hilarious.

 

Yea well, when it presents some of the issues that have come up... then a title like this is definitely fitting.

[muse08]

My thing is, just finding a balance of preferences.

 

I don’t mind bending a little for the guy if he prefers one communication style over another, as long as he can compromise with mine. I love hearing my man’s voice though...

[surferchic]

I do love hearing my bf’s voice too... I really do. However, liking his voice doesn’t always override my anxiety or need to recharge, off the phone.

[unevenXchange]

I do love hearing my bf’s voice too... I really do. However, liking his voice doesn’t always override my anxiety or need to recharge, off the phone.

 

I totally get that. And I think it’s absolutely normal to feel this way sometimes... especially if there’s some sort of anxiety you’re having.

 

Pay attention to how you feel.

[surferchic]

I totally get that. And I think it’s absolutely normal to feel this way sometimes... especially if there’s some sort of anxiety you’re having.

 

Pay attention to how you feel.

 

Thanks.

 

Yeah it’s a small bit of anxiety about phone conversations, but some anxiety comes from me not understanding my bf’s motivation with phone related stuff.

[unevenXchange]

OP- I think for some people(in this case your bf), having a SO on the phone builds more of a connection. Texting is not a bad thing at all, but many nuances are not communicated via text as they would via voice call.

 

Aside from that though, I would just continue to balance both calls and texts. They both have their own charm. Being similar to your relationship style, I see text as allowing some level of mystery to exist... within reason of course.

[surferchic]

OP- I think for some people(in this case your bf), having a SO on the phone builds more of a connection. Texting is not a bad thing at all, but many nuances are not communicated via text as they would via voice call.

 

Aside from that though, I would just continue to balance both calls and texts. They both have their own charm. Being similar to your relationship style, I see text as allowing some level of mystery to exist... within reason of course.

 

I totally agree. Thanks.

 

We’re still both compromising on both so we’ll see how that impacts things.

[greymatter]

I never talk on the phone with my BF. Neither of us like it. We text to keep in touch on days we are not seeing each other, and spend a ton of time talking when we are together. I talk to my mom on the phone (and occasionally my dad) and of course make calls when I have to for various things. He talks to his grandmother and occasionally his parents and makes necessary calls. Phone calls are simply not our way of staying connected to each other, and we are doing great together.

[surferchic]

I never talk on the phone with my BF. Neither of us like it. We text to keep in touch on days we are not seeing each other, and spend a ton of time talking when we are together. I talk to my mom on the phone (and occasionally my dad) and of course make calls when I have to for various things. He talks to his grandmother and occasionally his parents and makes necessary calls. Phone calls are simply not our way of staying connected to each other, and we are doing great together.

 

Thank you.

 

It’s amazing how people can make others feel like “a bad person/crazy person” just because others don’t think or act like the “majority”.

 

That’s my main point. Lots of phone calls to some of us, are just too much especially when you see your SO many times during the week. I like feeling like we have something fresh to talk about and I’m very aware that people to WORK at keeping things fresh, while also accepting that there will be some down times/ lulls.

[preraph]

Just noting that sometimes people do text instead of talk in order to be secretive. I mean, theoretically, you could be out on a nooner with some guy you're having sex with at work and still be able to text, but if the bf calls, then you have a choice to make.

[surferchic]

So tonight will be our independent time. Much needed for some reason I fell drained. Not because I’m tired of BF. Moreso because I guess I need time to recharge from a busy week and we were together yesterday and day before.

 

It’s weird though. There are shifts in relationships that I’m just learning about.

 

Examples:

A-Sometimes I want “me time” or have stuff to do that doesn’t include him and he acts ok with it but he ends up mentioning it later as if there’s a problem or he wanted to be included.

 

B-Then he will have something to do independently of me as well and I have felt weird at FIRST like I actually wanted to be involved in his independent time , but then I realize I’m ok not being involved and that I actually needed that time to myself.

 

~Just tonight I told him to enjoy his evening and that I would talk to him later. So he kept me on the phone asking me “oh really. Why what are you up to?”.

 

I told him I was a bit sleepy so I was gonna just chill. He paused again and told me to call him if I woke up or just wanted to talk. Cool, but I feel like I want to just give him this time because I really do want to just chill alone. I don’t even think I’ll go out or have any friends over, I just want to stay in tonight by myself.

 

I am trying to process my feelings and the things he says more though as I talk to him more on the phone or when I make the choice to not call( most likely what will happen tonight).

 

Are any of my feelings sounding extreme or misguided?

[surferchic]

Just noting that sometimes people do text instead of talk in order to be secretive. I mean, theoretically, you could be out on a nooner with some guy you're having sex with at work and still be able to text, but if the bf calls, then you have a choice to make.

 

???

 

Wow. So yeah ... if someone wants to cheat they’ll find a way. It could be any time of day. That’s not my intention though to be clear. Yes I have had men come on to me and ask for my number, etc since I’ve been dating this guy. he may have the same may have done the same. We’re humans. I feel bad because early on I actually have a guy my number before my bf and I got more serious. I ended up telling the guy I was seeing someone and couldn’t be involved with him.

 

I can’t concern myself with ifs. If he cheats then eventually it’ll come to light or not. Same thing with me. But again, I’m not using texting to be secretive.

 

That leads to the question of , why date or call yourself a couple or get married. So many married people have lovers and it’s really crazy... it honestly makes me want to not even date sometimes because I don’t even want that type of energy around me.

Edited July 6, 2019 by surferchic

[Curiousroxy86]

Op there is no “shift” lol. Absolutely nothing has changed

 

He don’t like to be away from you

 

And sometimes you like to be alone

 

This is how he is

 

You just need to figure out if your going to deal with that side of him or not really....

 

If you are going to deal with it. How will you handle it when he gets that way....

[surferchic]

Op there is no “shift” lol. Absolutely nothing has changed

 

He don’t like to be away from you

 

And sometimes you like to be alone.

 

We actually had our personal time last night. He was good I guess... he didn’t complain nor did I. I guess we’ll see later...

 

He texted and called this morning though ..sweetly... basically checking to see if I was awake and asking how I slept. Texting at first then he called. To me that was cool. Nothing weird. Maybe it’s just an adjustment that he’s making. We’re both making.

 

When he gets “like that” aka weird or whatever I honestly feel like I can deal with it as long as he doesn’t get PETTY. But....... if games begin or he tries bringing stuff up constantly to throw in my face to try making me feel bad for ever mentioning personal time then I may need to rethink everything because that may only get worse and make me feel like he may try using my words to throw in my face all the time to either

1- make me feel guilty thinking he can control my behavior

2- to do stuff or what he wants to do (if anything) and not feel guilty

 

Those are the games that seem to happen more often than not in relationships. The power struggle ... which is probably what I was referring to when I said the “shift”.

[Curiousroxy86]

To be fair op he has already shown mild “petty” and “game” behavior though. Point is if you choose to rock it out with this guy what you see is what you get and you have to figure out how your going to deal with that way your guy is along with these things that come up and irk you

 

Or if you can’t accept well....

[greymatter]

I have empathy for how you feel, because I understand the need and wish for uninterrupted alone time (and so does my partner because he needs it also). I wouldn't have the wonderful relationship I have with my partner if we were together constantly or he called all of the time, and he wouldn't be with me if I needed that or if I tried to make him feel bad for needing it.

 

I hope your BF starts to feel more secure soon, and gives you the time and space you need to balance the tension between needing separateness/togetherness.

 

When one partner keeps pushing for more closeness from the partner who needs more space, it creates a dynamic that can break up the relationship if the couple doesn't have healthy communication around the issue.