Boyfriend prefers talking rather than text

May 30, 2019

Well, anytime there's lulls in conversation, whether texting or phone call, YOU end it. Just say, "I think we've run out of anything to talk about and I have some things to do anyway, so talk to you later." By no means do you have to stay on the phone with someone while they do something else. He could be playing a game or masturbating and just wanting to keep you on the phone to know where you are (or using you for fodder).

May 30, 2019

It’s the long lulls that make me anxious because I feel like I don’t know what to say and I always wonder why he won’t just end the conversation when there’s nothing being said...? Thats honestly the main thing I get anxious about with telephone calls. But weirdly enough, I’m getting used to the occasional silence. It’s easier in person though.

I have no issues with phone calls but I don't like long conversations. My bf is big on talking on the phone, example his drive from work to my place can take 1 hour with traffic and he'll call me to chitchat while driving, that I can't do! I am usually home in the middle of making dinner so I take a few minutes to ask him how's he's doing, how was his day and when I'm done I tell him Ok honey! I got to get back to my dinner. As simple as that.

May 30, 2019

I have no issues with phone calls but I don't like long conversations. My bf is big on talking on the phone, example his drive from work to my place can take 1 hour with traffic and he'll call me to chitchat while driving, that I can't do! I am usually home in the middle of making dinner so I take a few minutes to ask him how's he's doing, how was his day and when I'm done I tell him Ok honey! I got to get back to my dinner. As simple as that.

Exactly...

I’ve started saying the whole “ok baby, I’m gonna finish doing xyz “... or I don’t want to hold you from doing your work bcuz he’ll sometimes FaceTime while he’s at work or wanna chat while wn route to see me too. That’s just too much for me...

I do know how to set some boundaries with the calls which is why I’ve literally told him early in that I prefer texting over talking. I think hes just determined to try making sure he gets some voice time in or like another poster said and a small suspicion of mine, he sometimes just wants to know where I am or what I am doing. I believe there definitely is some sort of in security that he will never ever admit he has.

May 30, 2019

Well, no one has to sit and listen to crickets. If he is just keeping you on there so he knows you're not with another man or you think he is, geez, I wouldn't even stick around. That's too much.

I like phone calls but nothing over 20 minutes. I've stopped taking calls from one friend because each time she called, she's take up my whole afternoon and I couldn't get her off the phone. I could tell her I was working on a rush job, and she would just act like she didn't hear.

May 30, 2019

I've stopped taking calls from one friend because each time she called, she's take up my whole afternoon and I couldn't get her off the phone. I could tell her I was working on a rush job, and she would just act like she didn't hear.

I have a friend just like that! She’ll sometimes talk so much without even leaving a space for me to get a word or whisper in edgewise. I’ve had to literally tell her “girl.... you talk &call and just start talking without even knowing what I’m doing or hearing if I have something to say. I need to go do xyz.” Sometimes I won’t accept the call if I’m truly preoccupied even just mentally because listening to someone take an hour to tell 2 stories in draining and feels like noise when you already have lots on your mind or just need to decompress.

So I think that leads me to the point where I realize I have only recently started to communicate to people that I need time to merely decompress and zone out. Before I would make up an excuse of things that I had to go do . Now I’m learning to set more boundaries ... and with men I’m romantically involved with. It’s not always easy but my skin gets a lil thicker year by year so if someone gets offended I can shake it off quicker than before.

I’d like to be at the place where I don’t carry any burden whatsoever from people being offended just because I’ve set a reasonable boundary... e.g. refusing to listen to you talk for 20 minutes without taking a breath. Shucks!

May 30, 2019

Why would you want to cut contact? Texting may be the ‘norm’ for some, but it’s too impersonal. But since you’ve got a good thing going, don’t cut him off for it.

May 30, 2019

I have a friend just like that! She’ll sometimes talk so much without even leaving a space for me to get a word or whisper in edgewise. I’ve had to literally tell her “girl.... you talk &call and just start talking without even knowing what I’m doing or hearing if I have something to say. I need to go do xyz.” Sometimes I won’t accept the call if I’m truly preoccupied even just mentally because listening to someone take an hour to tell 2 stories in draining and feels like noise when you already have lots on your mind or just need to decompress.

So I think that leads me to the point where I realize I have only recently started to communicate to people that I need time to merely decompress and zone out. Before I would make up an excuse of things that I had to go do . Now I’m learning to set more boundaries ... and with men I’m romantically involved with. It’s not always easy but my skin gets a lil thicker year by year so if someone gets offended I can shake it off quicker than before.

I’d like to be at the place where I don’t carry any burden whatsoever from people being offended just because I’ve set a reasonable boundary... e.g. refusing to listen to you talk for 20 minutes without taking a breath. Shucks!

The better boundaries you set, honestly, the better people you'll end up with around you. Lax boundaries just attract people who other people won't put up with and then you can't get rid of them.

May 30, 2019

I copied the wrong thread post. Apologies

I will say that this issue is so similar to others on here and I’ve even dealt with it. I don’t think this thread is about cutting th guy off, but hopefully moreso about how to further communicate your likes and dislikes and figure out when it’s worth compromising.

Edited May 31, 2019 by unevenXchange

June 10, 2019

The better boundaries you set, honestly, the better people you'll end up with around you. Lax boundaries just attract people who other people won't put up with and then you can't get rid of them.

So very true and thanks.

Not sure how soon I’ll master setting boundaries. Mainly because I sometimes feel too much empathy to the point of not setting a boundary because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.

I’ll getting a little better though through each experience.

June 10, 2019

In my experience there are tons of men who are like you, so if this doesn't work out, I'm sure you will find one like you.

June 10, 2019

In my experience there are tons of men who are like you, so if this doesn't work out, I'm sure you will find one like you.

It’s my hope that it WILL work out.

Our communication methods aren’t as bad as it may seem. I’m posting in here to be proactive because in the past I have not been able to get even recognize I had an issue until it was too late. At least this time both of us have discussed this and we’re both compromising more.

June 10, 2019

If he's generally a good egg, seeking compromise is a great solution. Pushing comfort zones for self improvement is never a bad thing.

June 10, 2019

It’s my hope that it WILL work out.

Our communication methods aren’t as bad as it may seem.

It seems quite bad to me. The more you appear to not want to talk on the phone, the more he's going to be turned off. And you said in one of your earlier posts in this thread that what he does turns you off too. I'm on his side. I despise trying to have a relationship through text and to me, anyone who wants to text is either too busy for me, or more than likely has communication issues or social anxieties, which I don't have the patience to deal with. I would get rid of a guy who did this (and sadly they do it often).

Also, there really hasn't been much mentioned about how often you two see each other in person (not phone or text)? To be blunt, most guys want to get laid at some point. They don't want to just be texting and emailing forever more (unless they have issues). Talking on the phone and at least hearing a voice, rather than reading words on a screen, is one step closer to some real life stimulation.

Edited June 10, 2019 by snowcones

June 10, 2019

It seems quite bad to me. The more you appear to not want to talk on the phone, the more he's going to be turned off. And you said in one of your earlier posts in this thread that what he does turns you off too. I'm on his side. I despise trying to have a relationship through text and to me, anyone who wants to text is either too busy for me, or more than likely has communication issues or social anxieties, which I don't have the patience to deal with. I would get rid of a guy who did this (and sadly they do it often).

Also, there really hasn't been much mentioned about how often you two see each other in person (not phone or text)? To be blunt, most guys want to get laid at some point. They don't want to just be texting and emailing forever more (unless they have issues). Talking on the phone and at least hearing a voice, rather than reading words on a screen, is one step closer to some real life stimulation.

Lol. I never said everything he does regarding communication turns me off. I said... that when he manipulated the situation that I DESCRIBED, that is what turned me off.

You must’ve not read the posts where I say we’re both compromising more for a while now. Haven’t been seein each other much longer than a few months and we’re still learning one another, which we’ve agreed makes things interesting.

Please read with understanding before making inaccurate statements. Thanks for being engaged in this thread though!

June 14, 2019

Just updating on things.

We’re still making our adjustments.(using both talk AND text). I’m talking more and he texts me in the mornings to wish me a good day. He still calls...a lot but I’m more comfortable with it now... until the lull sets in. At that point I’ve started to linger for a little while then I’ll say I’m gonna go do xyz or you sound tired so I’m gonna let ya go. Most times he tries finding a reason to stay on the phone for a while longer and I go with the flow sometimes. Other times I’m adamant about getting off especially if I’m tired or have something to do.

I think the main reason I don’t end conversations with him more is because I DO NOT want to discourage him from calling. I do enjoy hearing his voice.

Sometimes I just can’t understand why he tries staying on the phone even when he’s clearly tired or sleepy and not saying much. He can be cute, while confusing at the same time. . Why would he just linger? When I told him kindly to “get some rest baby. We’ll chat tomorrow “, he tried saying he’s not sleep , just a little tired.

??? Hu ???

Edited June 14, 2019 by surferchic

June 14, 2019

Him staying on the phone is just odd Surferchic. I have no advice except to keep on ending the call when it's become time.

Glad to see you're both working at keeping the other happy.

June 14, 2019

Believe it or not, but other than this issue our conversations are amazing... it’s how we met...as friends. We can talk about anything throughout the entire day. but once things get quiet, I’m just really determined to NOT condition him to NOT want to call. So I either make a light hearted comment about him being sleepy or me needing to do something which is typically true.

I’ve worked hard on actually having phone conversations w/people in GENERAL. So this I feel is a compromise worth making because it’s one thing that I know he’s sensitive about. He likes phone or in person conversation. He does NOT like texting but he agreed to text me from time to time, if we can’t talk.

Thing is, IMO I feel like people underestimate the worth of texting vs talking. With texting the conversations can last longer, it’s nice for flirting and it makes me appreciate the guy more once we actually see one another or talk. Texting isn’t all bad y’all.

June 14, 2019

I guess the texting thing depends on what else is going on in your life. I've got a friend who likes to text of an evening and the length of the discussion is so intrusive. I frequently have to cut her off so that I can get things done/spend time with the family.

But if I've got nothing else to do, I can see texting being OK.

June 24, 2019

So today was a day where I thought I’d give him some space since we spent the weekend together. He left from my place this morning...cool. So I decided to go to a museum then grab a few groceries. didn’t tell him because I knew he had to work a few hours. So he calls me while I’m in the grocery store.. I missed the call but called him back in about 30 minutes while leaving out of the store. When he answers at first I thought he sounded upbeat. But then it quickly struck me as sarcastic, eg... “hi!.... how’s it going!... why you not picking up my calls?...I called you several times today”

“Hey! Several? I only got one of your calls just a few minutes ago. Not sure what you’re talking about. I’m out getting a few office supplies and leaving now.”

Him: “ummmm hum!... “ and he almost cut me off with the “umm hummm’s” (as if he didnt believe me) while I was telling him where I was and other details. So he tells me thereÂ’s a BBQ that his coworkers are having and he was trying to tell me but I didn’t pick up the phone. (Yea right. I felt like he wanted to throw in my face the fact that I didn’t pick up the phone”.) And that he thought I would’ve at least called him back or checked on him at some point like I usually do.

I reminded him that I only received ONE of his calls and that I was also just giving him some breathing room to work and all (since we were just together this weekend).

Him: well you should’ve told me you were just giving me some space. (I’m like Hu??)

“Not necessarily space but some time to let me know when YOU were free since YOU are the one who was working.”

We go on to talk a little more. He says “we can go if I want to go.”

I say, sure but why such last minute baby”.

So here comes the B.S. , we somehow start having discord about the BBQ. And he then says he didn’t want to go to the bbq now, especially after our back and forth about him saying he hadn’t heard from me all day, and that’s why he was just telling me about the BBQ.

I personally feel like he was just trying to get my attention by starting an argument OR trying to start an argument so that i would not want to go to the bbq at a place where some people would be getting in the pool.

Some of his buddies who tried pursuing me before my BF would be there and they already paid far too much attention to my body so me wanting to go and in my bathing suit would not be the attention my bf would be comfortable with . Just last night he was admiring me when we went out and saying how he know men stare at me when I walk because of my figure and so he has to keep me close. (No biggie, but it’s not my goal to get that kind of attention).. I think sometimes he forgets his insecurities and/or starts discord to get my attention. Both are not cool in excess.

Now we’re in discord. I ended the call politely saying we can talk later. That was that... about an hour ago. I feel bad and almost anxious like I need to put breaks on our relationship. Is this normal relationship stuff and is my reaction extreme?

Edited June 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

June 24, 2019

The last big issue we had was also related to phone calls...

I’m just realizing this. Like seriously. It ends up being another situation where he wanted me to call/ reach out(more). So because I DIDN’T there is some crisis almost /big issue related to me “not picking up the phone” (is how he puts it).

I irritated y’all . I hate games. This feels like a joke, like he’s purposely starting an issue...

June 24, 2019

The last big issue we had was also related to phone calls...

I’m just realizing this. Like seriously. It ends up being another situation where he wanted me to call/ reach out(more). So because I DIDN’T there is some crisis almost /big issue related to me “not picking up the phone” (is how he puts it).

I irritated y’all . I hate games. This feels like a joke, like he’s purposely starting an issue...

I guess you should try not being surprised when he continues to show behavior like this. He seems to be like a few men I’ve known. As you already mentioned to —Get your attention— he caused a slight rift or created the whole scenario to try throwing you off.

Why is the CALL so much of an issue with him?

June 24, 2019

I guess you should try not being surprised when he continues to show behavior like this. He seems to be like a few men I’ve known. As you already mentioned to —Get your attention— he caused a slight rift or created the whole scenario to try throwing you off.

Why is the CALL so much of an issue with him?

Because he prefers talking rather than texting...

Plus, I think it makes him feel closer.

June 25, 2019

Sounds like mind games. Also sounds like he wants to gauge your interest level.

Tell him to chill out and refuse to play his game. Dont engage by getting upset or asking too many questions to make him think, I GOT HER.

June 25, 2019

Yea, it sounds silly and annoying. I wouldn't think much of it though - just kind of annoying.

If you want to say something, I'd suggest being direct, "You know babe, I like spending time with you. The phone isn't helping. Let's be together when we're together, OK?"

It's his deal, but yes, I see how he's making it a bore.

Best Wishes,

I hope you two have some more fun days this summer

June 25, 2019

Yea, it sounds silly and annoying. I wouldn't think much of it though - just kind of annoying.

If you want to say something, I'd suggest being direct, "You know babe, I like spending time with you. The phone isn't helping. Let's be together when we're together, OK?"

It's his deal, but yes, I see how he's making it a bore.

Best Wishes,
I hope you two have some more fun days this summer

Thanks . We do have fun when we’re together so I’m looking forward to the rest of the summer. Taking things as they come though and trying to stay light hearted. I prefer little to NO drama.

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