Does he sound serious about the future?

[lana-banana]

Listen to Kendahke. This guy is trying to set a (very, very) low bar for your expectations. Anyone who opens by telling you what they don't want is telling you exactly what you'll get. He may be "interested", but he sure doesn't want anything serious.

[Orokotikki]

Once bitten, twice shy.

Might be just expressing that at this point he doesn't picture getting married for a few years.

[chillii]

We're not having sex yet.

I have the tickets to come see him but I wonder if I rushed too much. I was in the haze of our time together which was wonderful. On the other hand he has told his friends about me, taken pictures and videos, wants me to meet his dad when I come to visit next month.

Now that I have them tickets I will go, but I'm a bit sad after what he said. Discouraged

 

 

 

 

Nah , l don't think his heart is closed at all , not permanently and all this proves it.

He is open to love again buttttt, he'll just need to be sure he's not gonna wind up hurt again.Right woman though , and some time to trust things between you and he will be in again.

l think he thinks a helluva a lot of you so far or he wouldn't be flying to see you and talking about things like that.

He's trying to say that if the right one came along and he could fully trust it again and open up, in time ,but it's gonna take time, but then he would be in again. Just for now though he's gonna try his damndest to be very very careful next time and take his time .

 

 

lf you guys turn or good and your both happy and exited with everything, over time l mean, 6-12mths, l think he'll be fine long term. ps, mind you , protect yourself to though for now and just see how it goes for awhile, see if he stays consistent see if it keeps building. We can only go only what you've said , so it doesn't mean whatever we think will be right , but yaknow.

Good luck.

Edited May 1, 2019 by chillii

[TheFinalWord]

With extreme LDR (I consider LD a few hours away, but another country is extremely LD), I think I would want to be clear about what I want in life: marriage, children, etc.

 

LDRs are a lot of work even when both have the same vision and know exactly what they want. At best, he is telling you it is going to take a lot of work for him to want to commit to marriage. Is he willing to put in that work? Only time will tell. In the meantime, you are the one that has to live with the added stress of his uncertainty.

 

I would be cautious if the person I was talking to seemed emotionally unavailable or was unclear about the vision for their life. I would make them come to me a few times before I traveled there. To gauge their seriousness. Especially if the tentative plan is that you will be the one to re-locate.

 

The fact he does not want to talk on the phone much is concerning. How will you two become a part of each other's lives? Texting does not seem to do much to build a life together. I would think regular video calls would be required.

 

On the other hand, I commend you for really putting yourself out there.

[Gretchen12]

I mean for someone with such a low interest it sure is a lot of effort traveling to my country, paying for hotel and also taking me out the whole time he was here. Would be easier to just find someone in his own country. There was and won't be any sex before the relationship. So I don't really get why he would bother if he wasn't interested. He's a good looking guy with a great career.

I don't know what to think.

 

This is why he had to tell you those things. He needed to let women know not to interpret his actions as indication of real interest.

 

To me the stuff he said are not subconscious, not warning. It's deliberate declaration of "don't get your hopes up." So to me, not red flags, but deal breakers. I'd be gone immediately. There are so many other men.

[The Outlaw]

It's best to air on the side of caution. He may not be relationship material if he's been hurt that badly. Not many would until they're willing to open up again.

[spiderowl]

Yes, I'd take that as a warning that they do not see themselves falling in love easily. That does not mean they won't, but there is obviously some reservation.

 

If you want to get married one day, then I would be wary of this guy. He sounds like he will just pass time until he gets a change of heart (which may never happen).

[I'veseenbetterlol]

When someone says "I'm way more cautious than before", "it will take much more to make me fall in love", "I wanted to get married before but not sure anymore due to past heartbreaks. Would take a lot to reconsider", do you take it as a warning, that they won't be as invested into you as they were with the people in their past? To me it sounds like telling in advance, that the person have already given away what was best and I'll get the rests. Or maybe I'm wrong?

I heard those lines before and they didn't lead to anything good.

 

Yes especially after being lead on several times. When they say this, they open the door to not treating you right. They will hurt you, but that isn't their fault because they warned you.

[Lorenza]

I tried asking more questions on this topic.

Q why did you tell me these things? What message should I get from them?

A I just mean that I'm a bit more cautious then before, not as naive. There's nothing deeper behind them, just wanted to try and answer honestly.

Q Would you say you're wounded by your previous experiences?

A No, I'm not. Just learned to not dive head first into something. I proposed to a girl after 6 months. Just trying to be reasonable now that I've learnt my lessons

Q Are you emotionally available?

A yes I am. I would tell if I wasn't.

 

Of course I didn't ask those questions one after another, they were in the flow of the conversation. But even with those answers, I'm still a but sceptical. Should try and be cautious as well.

[Curiousroxy86]

Of course I didn't ask those questions one after another, they were in the flow of the conversation. But even with those answers, I'm still a but sceptical. Should try and be cautious as well.

 

Don’t be naive. Aloooot of women say they will be cautious just so they can have access to a guy that’s already showing signs being the opposite of what they are really looking for and then fall for the guy and want to kick themselves afterwards. I mean do what you want. Your grown. But Can’t say you haven’t been warned multiple times (by him and this thread). Most people who get played play themselves because they ignore the red flags the person says and shows at the beginning. And it’s easy to fall into especially when it’s a guy you have a connection with and you just don’t like anybody else right now lol.

 

Many emotionally unavailable men will not admit that they are emotionally unavailable. And emotionally available means a lot of things to different people. You may considering a man who wants a long term relationship/marriage as one aspect to emotionally availability whereas he may consider himself emotionally available but don’t think a relationship/marriage doesn’t have to be an option. He may be open to connecting but that’s it.

 

Also at the beginning many men will tell you enough to keep access to you even if they don’t mean what they are telling you deep down especially if they we’re asked directly.

 

Do you want to get married Op? If so I don’t recommend this guy. I would only date this guy if you truly don’t care about the outcome. And most women do care or they wouldn’t question why he does this or why he does that. But either way good luck.

[elaine567]

He's hardly going to tell you he is a wounded, commitment phobe, highly emotionally unavailable, a bit of a player and will usually lie like a rug to get what he wants...

You can ask all the deep questions you like but he is not obligated to tell you the truth.

He put up a bit of a wall, I guess to stop you getting too involved....

You hardly know him, maybe best to stick to what was the name of his first dog and which is better cake or icecream?

[alphamale]

yes, heed the warning

[Lorenza]

He's hardly going to tell you he is a wounded, commitment phobe, highly emotionally unavailable, a bit of a player and will usually lie like a rug to get what he wants...

You can ask all the deep questions you like but he is not obligated to tell you the truth.

He put up a bit of a wall, I guess to stop you getting too involved....

You hardly know him, maybe best to stick to what was the name of his first dog and which is better cake or icecream?

 

Not my style to small talk

[Lorenza]

I've been thinking and i decided to not go and visit him. Too bad I lost money on tickets, but it doesn't feel like there's any point to go.

Thanks everyone for answers.

[Ruby Slippers]

Good decision. If he's really serious, he'll make the effort to travel to you and demonstrate it.

[TheFinalWord]

I think you made the right choice. I would have him visit you at least three times so you can tell if he is really healed and committed to giving it a real try. I don't think that is unreasonable at this point as you have a right to be more cautious after he made those statements. You lost money on the tickets, but a healthy heart is priceless.

 

After three visits, I think you'll have a better idea of who he is and how serious he is about getting to know you. You're of course really wise and a grown adult, but I would be careful about getting physical too fast. It tends to cloud things and my guess is if you are going to this level of searching outside your country, you want to take actions that give you a crystal clear picture of the person you are dealing with and the potential to build a long-term relationship leading towards marriage and children.

[snowcones]

When someone says "I'm way more cautious than before", "it will take much more to make me fall in love", "I wanted to get married before but not sure anymore due to past heartbreaks. Would take a lot to reconsider", do you take it as a warning, that they won't be as invested into you as they were with the people in their past? To me it sounds like telling in advance, that the person have already given away what was best and I'll get the rests. Or maybe I'm wrong?

I heard those lines before and they didn't lead to anything good.

Yes you're right

[Highndry]

This guy is oversharing, because everything he is saying I'm thinking, but I just don't say it.

[Lorenza]

Well I told him I have my doubts and would like to reconsider coming over, and he almost immediately booked the tickets to come see me in around two weeks, so I guess we're meeting even sooner. Are you guys sure he has low interest? He was really quick to book the tickets both times

[Lorenza]

This guy is oversharing, because everything he is saying I'm thinking, but I just don't say it.

 

He was oversharing a lot of details about many things. But I'm also like that

[toomanyquestions123]

Well I told him I have my doubts and would like to reconsider coming over, and he almost immediately booked the tickets to come see me in around two weeks, so I guess we're meeting even sooner. Are you guys sure he has low interest? He was really quick to book the tickets both times

 

He almost booked or he booked ? I disagree with most of the feedback here. The guy likes you but he wants to take things slowly and this for me is healthy. I don't see any warning sigh here but definitely be aware and attentive of everything. How old are you both ?

[Lorenza]

He almost booked or he booked ? I disagree with most of the feedback here. The guy likes you but he wants to take things slowly and this for me is healthy. I don't see any warning sigh here but definitely be aware and attentive of everything. How old are you both ?

 

He booked the tickets, maybe I worded it incorrectly. He's coming in two weeks

We're in our late 20's

[Curiousroxy86]

Well I told him I have my doubts and would like to reconsider coming over, and he almost immediately booked the tickets to come see me in around two weeks, so I guess we're meeting even sooner. Are you guys sure he has low interest? He was really quick to book the tickets both times

 

well me personally my issue with this guy wasnt so much low interest. my issue with the guy was that he isnt sure about marriage. which again do you want to get married? I wouldnt waste my time unless you really dont care about getting married...

[Lorenza]

well me personally my issue with this guy wasnt so much low interest. my issue with the guy was that he isnt sure about marriage. which again do you want to get married? I wouldnt waste my time unless you really dont care about getting married...

 

I just want someone to seriously commit to me. Guess marriage is the ultimate commitment so that's why I'd like it. I don't care about having a ceremony or wearing a white dress and I'm certainly not going to take any man's surname. I want commitment. My previous relationships were all ridden with commitment issues from the men I was with. So marriage to me is a symbol of sorts.

 

My last ex early on said he'd marry me asap if he had the money, talking about moving in together and how he wants a family life. But he was huge commitment-phoebe and strang me along for a year, cheated etc.

 

So I don't know. Will admit I'm much more positive now that the guy in question is coming to see me again. He also asked to be exclusive now, admitting he knew he wanted that from the very first date.

[Gretchen12]

He's doing what he needs to do to keep you, AFTER you told him you may ditch him. That is to be expected. My advice was to walk away, and you did, now he makes counteroffers. Of course you can consider them. Know what you want, be high value but reasonable, he may or may not come through. This is not manipulation. It is knowing what makes you happy.

Also, interest and attraction are not the same as commitment. It's what I said in another thread. The way to get a man to commit is to make his life more difficult, not easier. This guy's life was made more difficult by having to travel to you. Your value increased when he invested. He's now on a mission because you are worth fighting for. And after he slays a dragon (not easy!) for you, you become irreplaceable. You in turn become his source of pride, comfort, and understanding. Very masculin men want to act and be appreciated. If you cater to him mindlessly there's nothing for him to do, no bonding, then he'll fade out.