Jump to content

Should I give this guy a chance? I'm worried that he's a high-functioning alcoholic

EmmaA1980

By EmmaA1980
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

EmmaA1980 New Member

EmmaA1980

Posted
Posted

Hi everyone, this is my first post because I found this site using Google and I'm after some advice about a guy I really like.

 

I work at a pub and there is a guy who comes in every day and I have a real soft spot for him. I have been told by others that he has told people he likes me. We're the same age and when I am working he always goes out of his way to speak to me. We have similar hobbies and interests, values, etc. He's well liked at the pub and people there have told me to give him a chance.

 

However, the only thing stopping anything from happening is his how much he drinks on a daily basis. He drinks at least 15 pints a day and on a Friday and Saturday I have seen him drink over 25 pints! He has a well paid job and goes to the pub after work every day. He never comes across as a bad drunk, never falls over, never makes a fool out of himself, etc. He just literally drinks like a fish (he easily drinks three pints to one pint of an average drinker!), but he never looks drunk, he just looks somewhat glazed at the end of a night. I know it sounds somewhat awful to say, but he can handle his drink.

 

We've spoken before about how much he drinks because he spends an awful lot of money each week at the pub and I always joke on with him to bring a sleeping bag to the pub because it's practically his second home! After the pub, he goes home and drinks a bottle of whiskey or a few litres of cider every night.

 

I know that he suffers from depression and started to drink more after his granddad passed away.

 

Is he an alcoholic?

 

I told my mother about him and she said that no matter how nice he is, how much he drinks is not good and told me to stay away. My friends have said the same.

 

Should I give him a chance? I really want to, but my mother and friends say that the amount he drinks is not good.

 

Many thanks.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
...He drinks at least 15 pints a day and on a Friday and Saturday I have seen him drink over 25 pints! He has a well paid job and goes to the pub after work every day...

...but he never looks drunk, he just looks somewhat glazed at the end of a night. .

..After the pub, he goes home and drinks a bottle of whiskey or a few litres of cider every night.

Is he an alcoholic?

 

Yes, he is definitely an alcoholic.

Flame Aura Established Member

Flame Aura

Posted
Posted

Sounds very much like an alcoholic, that amount of drinking is in no way normal. Stay away.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Those consumption levels are off the charts! Even at 5-6 pints per day he would be in danger. Proceed at your own risk.

 

Personally in your shoes I'd enjoy flirting with him across the bar but not take things further.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted

He is an alcoholic -- no question. Apart from that, with the amount of time he spends at the bar, that's the only place you'll be able to spend time with him . . . you like being at work 24/7?

kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted (edited)
He's well liked at the pub and people there have told me to give him a chance.

 

Then why haven't they dated him or married him if he's all that?

 

on a daily basis He drinks at least 15 pints a day and on a Friday and Saturday I have seen him drink over 25 pints! After the pub, he goes home and drinks a bottle of whiskey or a few litres of cider every night.

 

Is he an alcoholic?

 

Of course he is. If he drinks nearly the amount you say he drinks, I doubt if he's got 5 more years left. His liver is in hideous condition--and when that goes you're screwed... it's hard for an actively drinking alcoholic to get on the liver donor rolls.

 

I told my mother about him and she said that no matter how nice he is, how much he drinks is not good and told me to stay away. My friends have said the same.

 

Listen to your mother. She's wise and knows--she's not saying this to you because she wants you alone for the rest of your life. She doesn't want you aging beyond your years behind a drunk.

 

Should I give him a chance? I really want to..

 

You want to enable a drunk? You feel like cleaning up vomit and pissy beds for the rest of your natural life?

 

Have you even dealt with an alcoholic before? I"m guessing you never have.

 

They love the liquor more than they love anything else, including themselves and that includes you.

 

He hasn't hit his rock bottom to make him quit and that is a ride that will wither and age you; and that life of enabling will make you look 30 years older than you really are.

 

Keep him exactly where he is and wants to be and find a man for whom you don't have to become his enabler.

Edited by kendahke
  • Author
EmmaA1980 New Member

EmmaA1980

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm not even sure if he would admit to being an alcoholic since there is a certain stigma in society about one being an alcoholic. I think he's an alcoholic because of the sheer amount he drinks and the fact it's on a daily basis.

 

Then why haven't they dated him or married him if he's all that?

 

The pub where I work is mainly full of guys, especially older guys, and couples. They are a few women who come into the pub, but not many.

 

Of course he is. If he drinks nearly the amount you say he drinks, I doubt if he's got 5 more years left. His liver is in hideous condition--and when that goes you're screwed... it's hard for an actively drinking alcoholic to get on the liver donor rolls.

 

I'm not kidding you! I remember working with a guy a few years ago and he used to drink eight cans every night after work and I thought he was bad. He's the only person I know who drinks so much. I don't even know how he manages it, he's a slim guy whereas people often think of men who drink a lot to have a beer belly, etc, he's the complete opposite. He doesn't look like a drunk, if that makes sense.

 

Listen to your mother. She's wise and knows--she's not saying this to you because she wants you alone for the rest of your life. She doesn't want you aging beyond your years behind a drunk.

 

I know, I have told her that I'm not going to bother. The thing that bugs me is that apart from the amount he drinks, he's such a nice guy. The pub is a relatively quiet pub and everyone knows everyone and the landlord is a really nice guy. Quite often the guy asks me to give him a game of pool, asks me if I want a drink or food, etc. He always makes me feel special.

 

I also like the fact he's well read, he often speaks about philosophy, history, economics, science, etc. He speaks formally and uses words which impress a lot of the people in the pub. In other words, he's well known for being intelligent, he nearly always wins the money on a quiz night!

 

I know this is probably a bit soppy to say, but I always smile when I'm going to work because I know he'll be there when I get there.

 

You want to enable a drunk? You feel like cleaning up vomit and pissy beds for the rest of your natural life?

 

I'm not trying to make up an excuse for how much he drinks, but I don't think he's like that at all. People picture alcoholics as homeless tramps with a bottle of cider, but like I said in my first post, he has a really well paid job and works a lot of hours Monday to Friday, but most of his spare time is spent in the pub where I work. High-functioning alcoholics are different to what many people think of when the term 'alcoholic' is used. Apart from how much he drinks, he is just as 'normal' as Joe Bloggs is down the street.

 

Have you even dealt with an alcoholic before? I"m guessing you never have.

 

They love the liquor more than they love anything else, including themselves and that includes you.

 

I have not personally, but my uncle was an alcoholic who died in his 50s about ten years ago.

 

I know of people who like a good drink on a Friday, but I don't know anyone who drinks as much as he does.

 

He hasn't hit his rock bottom to make him quit and that is a ride that will wither and age you; and that life of enabling will make you look 30 years older than you really are.

 

I've been working at the pub for a few years now and we are quite close, he lost his granddad a few years ago now and although he has always suffered from depression, it triggered his depression to an unprecedented level and since then he has been drinking the amount he drinks now.

 

Strangely, he is the same age as I am and looks quite young for his age, he is clean shaven and looks what a lot of people would describe as 'smart' - on the weekend he wears designer clothes, smart shoes, etc. However, during the week he goes to the pub wearing his work gear so I think he must think about the pub all day and it's the first place he goes after work.

 

Keep him exactly where he is and wants to be and find a man for whom you don't have to become his enabler.

 

It's very hard for me because the reason I want to give him a chance is because although I haven't had many previous relationships, he makes me feel special and happy in such a way none of my ex-boyfriends ever did.

  • Author
EmmaA1980 New Member

EmmaA1980

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Those consumption levels are off the charts! Even at 5-6 pints per day he would be in danger. Proceed at your own risk.

 

Personally in your shoes I'd enjoy flirting with him across the bar but not take things further.

 

I'm not joking, he drinks lager and ever so fast.

 

I'm not the flirting type. The pub is quite small and everyone knows everyone and people sit in their own seat and a few people sit at the bar (apart from on quiz night and on the weekend when some random people go to the pub). Thus, for a lot of my shift I spend my time chatting to him at the bar and we talk about anything and everything. He always asks me if I want a drink or food and even though I tell him I'll get a bus home he often pays for me to get a taxi home.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
It's very hard for me because the reason I want to give him a chance is because although I haven't had many previous relationships, he makes me feel special and happy in such a way none of my ex-boyfriends ever did.

 

He's probably a great guy. However he's still an addict which makes him a lousy prospect as a BF. He may also flirt with you because you are his bartender. You are the source of that which he loves most in this world: his pints.

 

Project down the road when you no longer work at the bar. He will still spend the same amount of time there . . .enough to consume 15 pints per day. He won't be home with you doing it. There will be no dates. There won't even be good sex; he drinks too much to have a reliably function anatomy if you know what I mean.

  • Like 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted

He sounds like he has a drinking problem for sure, but even without know "for sure", he sounds like someone who will UNCERTAINLY end up with major health problems, do you really want that in your life, given that you are at point where you don't have to choose this path? And he is driving himself toward the health problems recklessly.

 

I would add that people who cannot be "themselves" without drinking are usually not really as fun as they might seem initially. I'd walk away from this, just keep him as a friend, nothing else. Good luck

rightondude Established Member

rightondude

Posted
Posted

the drinks at the pub are certainly excessive.

 

The BOTTLE of whiskey afterwards...WHOA. That's insane. How old is he? He won't be able to keep that up for long.

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

He will make a much better customer/friend than he will ever make a boyfriend.

  • Like 1
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted

I wouldn't do it. His liver is probably in terrible shape.

  • Like 1
OnlyHonesty Established Member

OnlyHonesty

Posted
Posted

He's drank more alcohol in one night, than I drink in 3 years! He's an alcoholic. You're comment about him being able to handle it may be true, but not for his liver and other detox pathways.

 

Perhaps you should be asking yourself, why out of all of the possible avaliable men, you considered one with an addiction. Has this been a pattern in the past?

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted

this bloke is a RAGING alcoholic. stay away

Foxhall Established Member

Foxhall

Posted
Posted (edited)

Lol, Are you Irish? (It is only an Irishman who could drink like that)

 

 

just for the record to the other posters, we are not all big drinkers (personally I drink very little nowadays)

 

 

I have a mate actually the image of what you described there, but in this 2019, he has not yet had a drink,

 

 

it is possible that your guy will some day decide to stop too.

 

 

I don't know, I would give him a chance in your shoes, but I think you need to put pressure on him to cut down significantly on the drink,

 

 

I guess when you are familiar with the bar scene that you don't mind drinking too a degree, perhaps you have a common bond,

 

 

if he's not prepared to make some changes, it can only be a destructive path for you, so perhaps its time for a serious talk and see how he reacts.

Edited by Foxhall
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

He is a severe alcoholic. The reason it doesn't show on him is because he's been doing it for so long. I dated a guy kind of like that once. Alcoholism gets worse with age and it gets very unpleasant with age.

 

I recommend that if you seriously think you might want to be with him sometime, you tell him he would have to be sober for at least a year first. Alcoholics functioning or not are kind of stunted developmentally. He's probably anesthetizing pain from something. It may not be the only thing he does.

 

Save yourself the heartache.

  • Like 1
The Outlaw Established Member

The Outlaw

Posted
Posted

Just cut him loose. If you got involved with him, it wouldn't just be unstable, it wouldn't be safe. It's a safer bet to air on the side of caution.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted

I'm not trying to make up an excuse for how much he drinks, but I don't think he's like that at all. People picture alcoholics as homeless tramps with a bottle of cider, but like I said in my first post, he has a really well paid job and works a lot of hours Monday to Friday, but most of his spare time is spent in the pub where I work. High-functioning alcoholics are different to what many people think of when the term 'alcoholic' is used. Apart from how much he drinks, he is just as 'normal' as Joe Bloggs is down the street.

 

There vice presidents of huge corporations who are alcoholics, mothers who are alcoholics, nurses who are alcoholics. Eventually, it catches up to them one way or another. He's fairly young and already an alcoholic. The repercussions of this will catch up to him. It's just a matter of time. Maybe his first DUI will wake him up or maybe he's already had one or two or . . .

  • Like 2
emeraldgreen Established Member

emeraldgreen

Posted
Posted

If someone can't through the day without one drink, it's a problem, but those levels are toxic. Dude might be charismatic but he has a disease.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
If someone can't through the day without one drink, it's a problem, but those levels are toxic. Dude might be charismatic but he has a disease.

 

It is a disease. And, I will put money up that if she were to observe him when he isn't drinking or is sober for some time, he may not be as charismatic or fun to be around.

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted

I'm not trying to make up an excuse for how much he drinks, but I don't think he's like that at all.

 

 

Famous last words..

 

 

You only know as much about this guy as he's allowed you to know--which means, you know nothing about him except how he acts in public at a bar for however many hours/night you happen to be there when he's there. You haven't been to his house. You have no clue who his social circle is. You only know what he's let you see. Don't get it twisted.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Just realize there are people you can love who you definitely can't live with. Love doesn't equal an obligation to put up with....

CLS63AMG Established Member

CLS63AMG

Posted
Posted

15 pints and then a bottle of whiskey when he gets home doesn't "just" mean he's an alky. That guy is always drunk, even at work. He's the highest level of alcoholic there is. If he stops he'll get wicked withdrawal, so bad that he'll be put in the hospital.

 

 

He needs rehab, not a girlfriend - go ask on the AA forums

  • Like 2
Highndry Established Member

Highndry

Posted
Posted
However, the only thing stopping anything from happening is his how much he drinks on a daily basis. He drinks at least 15 pints a day and on a Friday and Saturday I have seen him drink over 25 pints!...After the pub, he goes home and drinks a bottle of whiskey or a few litres of cider every night.

 

 

Good lord. This guy's not only a raging alcoholic, he's physically addicted. As mentioned, he'd have to go through a detox program to safely withdraw because he'd die if he went cold turkey. He needs to be weened off it.

  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...