What's wrong with me?

[FMW]

Your brother is a complete ass. I know he's family, but seriously, stop talking to him unless it's important family business. That includes any other family, or "friends", who say hurtful things. Surely you have to realize they have serious issues of their own to do such a thing.

 

Unless you feel good about yourself (yes, that trite old "love yourself" thing), you will never be really happy, whether you're coupled or not. If your happiness only comes from someone else it's always going to be fleeting and temporary.

 

Also, if you don't love yourself you're only going to attract people who will take advantage of and use you for their own purposes - like your MM.

 

If you want to date right now, then date, but keep it casual and carefully control your expectations and don't stick around for situations that make you feel even worse. Until you get a handle on your self-esteem you are in no place to have a good relationship with anyone.

 

Think about yourself as the innocent vulnerable child you were at the age of 5 or 6. What would you tell her? What would you want for her? Would you allow anyone to mistreat her? You are still that child inside. Take care of her.

Edited May 26, 2019 by Finding my way

[BaileyB]

FMW said exactly what I wanted to say... well said.

[nolanola]

Well, I'm 42 and not dating anyone seriously at the moment, so let that calm you a bit. If you're 28, you have tons of time and lots of fertility left. I feel that sense of anxiety about my age and what it means to be 42 and single. I worry about never finding anyone and winding up an old maid (if I'm not there already). I worry that people look at me and wonder what is wrong with me or feel sorry for me. It's extremely tough and I've often been in tears about it, so you are not alone.

 

I completely also understand blaming yourself. This is a big one I am working on. I feel so ashamed of how I acted in my most recent relationship and am having a very hard time in forgiving myself. In a nutshell, there was a man that I was acquainted with for a year or so and then he approached me about dating after he got divorced. We dated long distance for a while (about a year and a half) before I decided we should be friends because he wasn't ready for a serious relationship and the distance was tough. However, I was still crazy about him and we stayed in touch for 2 years afterward and slept together twice (and spent lots of non-sexual time together also). Then he pulled away and started seeing someone else and didn't tell me. And didn't tell me even when I confronted him about it. Then he tried to act like nothing happened. So, I got my heart broken and it's been very hard for me to move on - I'm about 7 months NC and am struggling all the time. In fact, just today I was wondering if I overreacted the last time we spoke.

 

I feel ashamed by things I did or didn't do and the fact that I sat there crazy in love with him for 2 years when we were supposedly just friends. That I didn't stand up for myself more. How I flew off the handle when I found out about his new girlfriend. All of that. I hate that I didn't walk away sooner, when I was younger.

 

So I completely understand the self-hating. My therapist has been telling me to work on treating myself how I would a friend. This is tough for me because I have a horrible relationship with myself: I say things to and about myself that I would never say to a friend. But it's hard to stop and in a way, it feels comfortable to blame myself. I compare it to putting on my oldest and softest sweatpants. It might not be the best thing, but it feels comfortable.

 

I wish I could tell you exactly what to do so that you would feel better and get over your situation. Unfortunately, there isn't a quick fix. I'm really working on how I talk to myself. I'm also doing OLD and not loving it. I've never had much success online, to be honest and I've tried several times. I'm trying it again because I think it might be a good idea to just get out of the house and meet some new people. But I do find it depressing sometimes when you have a bad date or if the chemistry isn't there - it just makes you feel the emptiness. That's why I was saying maybe take a pause. If your heart isn't in it, it isn't. And also, if you're still grieving over the married guy, you are probably not giving off the right energy.

 

Lastly, I will say I've been in some relationships where I've been miserable. I can say definitively that I would rather be the lamest old maid there is instead of being miserable with someone.

[SSE]

It’s been a week now since I said goodbye (again) to the married guy and I’m having a terrible time. Wondering if I did the right thing. I miss him. I miss the way he kissed me. I miss the way he touched me. I miss our jokes. I miss the way he made me feel. It’s weird. He wasn’t even a part of my life. In the last 2.5 years I saw him privately maybe for 10 times, how can I miss someone that wasn’t even really a part of my life? I guess I miss what could have been. I miss a fantasy. I know he doesn’t miss me, but I do. He filled a void which is painfully present nowadays. I checked his wife’s fb page. It’s filled with beautiful family pics. I couldn’t stop crying.

 

I don’t miss checking her fb page constantly. Waiting for him to contact me. Wondering if he will ever contact me again. I don’t miss the push and pull and the future faking. It was killing me. I think I did the right thing pushing him away when I remember ‘our history’. It was all about the sex. He encouraged me to meet other men as long as I still had sex with him. The relationship stuff was for the future boyfriend. He would love to keep filling ‘my holes’ even if I had a boyfriend. He said I would meet Mr. Right just after we had sex and he would like an invite to my future wedding because we’re such good friends… I’m sorry I’m telling this here, it’s maybe better suited for another section of this forum, but I needed to vent. I love someone who doesn’t give a **** about me. That sucks. It hurts so much that I have chest pains. My heart literally hurts.

 

Like you nolanola, my mind is going back and forth. One time I think I made a right decision and another time, when I’m feeling down, I think I made a terrible decision because I miss him so much. I miss having someone to share my life with. So many people succeed, why can’t I? What’s wrong with me? Feeling this painful void inside me and seeing everyone around me so happy coupled up, makes me depressed. I would love to have what they are having! But instead, I have nothing of that. No, stupid SSE is in love with a married guy that only wants her for her young p*ssy…

 

OLD is hard and I’m not having much success either. I have matches on Tinder, but most of them don’t start speaking to me. I also tried to start a conversation (it shouldn’t always be the man), but with no luck. I try not to take it personally which isn’t easy for me. Despite having some matches, I’m talking to only 1 guy on Tinder for about 2 weeks now. It’s fine talking, but he still hasn’t proposed to meet. Maybe he’s not interested like all the others, I don’t know.

 

I do know one thing and it scares me (I told my therapist and parents): I so long for having a loving relationship in my life, with a man I love and who loves me back, with a couple of children. For me having a family is of greater value than having a lot of money. I don’t know if I’ll ever be fortunate to have these things in my life, but if I haven’t have them by a certain age, life would have no meaning for me anymore. I think I would rather kill myself than keep going through so much pain of being alone while everyone around me has found happiness. It literally hurts being all alone, single and lonely. I have these feelings since I was 25, and it was one of the reasons I entered an affair with a married man which continued for almost 3 years. I will be 29 this year, so I have these pain inside of me for almost 4 years… That pain worsened during the affair. I want that pain and fear to stop. But I think it will only stop once I have found someone. But when will that be? If it will ever will happen...

[BaileyB]

It’s been a week now since I said goodbye (again) to the married guy and I’m having a terrible time.

 

It will be so much harder to move on if you keep intermittent contact with this man.

 

I don’t miss the push and pull and the future faking. It was killing me. I think I did the right thing pushing him away when I remember ‘our history’. It was all about the sex. He encouraged me to meet other men as long as I still had sex with him. He would love to keep filling ‘my holes’ even if I had a boyfriend. I love someone who doesn’t give a **** about me.

 

With respect, I don’t think he did any future faking. I think you created that fantasy all by yourself... a man who tells you that he would love to keep “filling your holes” what you date another man is not future faking - he is being brutally honest. Disgustingly honest. It’s hard to have any faith in humanity if you consider that a man could be this unkind to a woman...

 

Continue with the counselling. Your goal is a noble goal but you will not get there unless you continue to work on getting yourself to a happy and healthy place.

[FMW]

I so long for having a loving relationship in my life, with a man I love and who loves me back

 

Then use that as a motivation to let this guy go. You won't find a man to have a good relationship with as long as you are hung up on him. And transferring your need onto another man right now is NOT the answer.

 

It's hard work, there are no shortcuts, there will be plenty of times you feel awful. But stay away from him, stop your romantic fantasies as soon as they start by reminding yourself how he treated you, and over time it will get better. Stop giving in to your hopeless thoughts.

[SSE]

Every morning I wake up, I have the same anxious feeling. I think of the married man and how happy he must be in his relationship. He’s not alone, he has a wife and child. He has an easy life with all the money. And soon they will be leaving on another great vacation.

 

Every morning I wake up, I have the same anxious feeling. I sometimes doubt if I made the right decision telling the married man to leave me alone. I don’t want him to leave me alone if I’m honest. I love him. I miss him. But I also realize he doesn’t want to offer me anything else but sex. I remind myself of all the times he put me in my place. I need to keep telling myself I did make the right decision because I want a man and family of my own. There are some threads on the OM/OW forum now that remind me of all the pain I went through and I don’t want that anymore. I don’t want to think anymore of how perfect his life must be. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want someone who treats me well. The only good thing, I guess, is that I ‘dumped’ him instead of the other way around. And that he knows I’m dating. I don’t want him to know I’m suffering that much. His ego is already big enough.

 

Every morning I wake up, I have the same anxious feeling. I am afraid I will never find that man and family I want so much. I’m trying to date, but it isn’t going well. I’m chatting with some men, but none of them seems really interesting. This makes me afraid. I know I don’t fall in love easily and I don’t want to end up alone. OLD is quite odd. You decide to meet and based on 1 date you decide if you want to proceed. It took me almost one year to fall in love with the married man and I had regularly contact with him! How can I fall in love with someone I only have had 1 date with??? I don’t like OLD, but I don’t see another way for me. It feels like a task.

 

Every morning I wake up, I have the same anxious feeling. That feeling doesn’t go away and it’s wearing me down. Yesterday I met with a friend who went through something similar and experienced the same feelings. Those feelings disappeared when she met her current boyfriend. My friends tell me to not give up on trying and to have a positive attitude towards it. Soon or later it is bound to happen. Why wouldn't it? But you just don’t know and that makes me sad and anxious. I really want that man and family. I don’t want to go to weddings alone anymore. I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

 

But, every morning I wake up, I have that same anxious feeling.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am right there with you. I wake up feeling anxious too. Change is really hard and every day is daunting when you miss them so much.

BUT I got myself out of bed and MADE myself do some exercises and went for a run. Put them headphones on with my fav music and ran.

When I got back omg I felt so much better. Not 100% but 50%.

 

Remember NC is about taking care of yourself and using this time to improve yourself. Going out of your comfort zone is really hard but that is the only way we grow. My rec to you is to push yourself to do some activities that get you out and moving. Staying active is key to improving your mood.

 

My go to book is also “Rebuilding when your relationship ends” by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti. It really helps you through the grieving process. I am actually going to start reading it again today.

[SSE]

So I am on Tinder for about 2 months now. I have had 2 dates. The one guy wasn’t a match and with the other one I’m going on a second date. However, I don’t feel in love or anything with him. If I’m honest, I’m still in love with the married man. I haven’t seen him in 8 months and haven’t heard from him for 2. He didn’t treat me well, but I still like him. I still miss him. I never want to enter the affair again because it still hurts even after all that time. I don’t get why I still like him after the bad treatment I got. I honestly don’t understand myself. I want those feelings gone, but they aren’t.

 

Do you think it is possible to find someone else I also like that much and who will treat me better?

 

On line dating isn’t easy and I don’t like it. For me it feels like a task that needs to be done. But it seems like the only way for me to find someone else. Most of my friends are settled and don’t like going out anymore. I go to the gym, but most of the people I know there are female. So what’s left over? On line dating I guess.

 

There is NC with the married man however he's still in my thoughts. I am trying on line dating. I’m working on my physique by going to the gym. What more can I do? And the question that keeps going through my head: what if I don’t find anybody? What if my efforts don’t pay off? What if the married man will be my only relationship? It wasn’t even a loving one. What if I stay all alone? That’s a thought that keeps on terrifying me.

[BaileyB]

I

So I am on Tinder and had two dates. The one guy wasn’t a match and with the other one I’m going on a second date. However, I don’t feel in love or anything with him.

 

It’s been one date. You have spent what - two hours with this guy? Of course you don’t love him. You don’t know him. Your expectations are really unreasonable if you think you are going to feel “in love” with a guy after the first few dates.

 

Do you think it is possible to find someone else I also like that much and who will treat me better?

 

Respectfully, I don’t think it will be hard to find a man who will treat you better than MM.

 

On line dating isn’t easy and I don’t like it.

 

Online dating is hard. It’s not fun. It takes time, there is more rejection than success, as it’s very much the luck of the draw...

 

I hated online dating. Tried it several times, never successful. I was extremely resentful of the fact that my friends were all coupled and they didn’t have to do it. My resentment didn’t change my reality, it just made me miserable.

 

Ask me how I met my boyfriend - speed dating. I knew after eight minutes that I wanted to see him again. I knew after a few dates that we go along well and we had a lot in common. I knew after a few months that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

It only takes one.

[nolanola]

OP, think of online dating like practice. You are learning to talk to men, to flirt, to be outgoing. I am an introvert and small talk exhausts me. But I know I'm not going to meet a man sitting on my couch. I can either sit on my couch and be sad and wonder why I don't have someone or I can do something to change my world. I don't love online dating either. It's work and I haven't had the greatest success either. I think of it like talking to guys in a bar. Sometimes you talk to them for a little while and that's it. Sometimes you give someone your number and they don't call. And that's fine. Not every man is going to be your boyfriend, but every time you stretch yourself and make new memories that don't involve your ex.

 

Why don't you also try to meet people in other ways? I joined a book club and that has been really great. It's all women, so it's not about dating, but I really wanted to try to make some connections so that I would have someone to do things with. That hasn't happened yet, but I am getting to know them slowly and it is so great to meet and talk to some new people.