got used as a rebound guy

[Trail Blazer]

Get better friend.

This is all so true. I fell for a pretty face. The prettier the face, the more believable they are and the more likely we are to ignore red flags. Even of they're still a very good person in other aspects of their lives, from the perspective of a man, women seem emotionally fickle.

 

At least the OP's love interest had the decency to be honest with him from the outset. It might have felt like a smack to the face with a baseball bat, but I would have preferred that to the slow drift, death by a thousand cuts method.

 

To the OP: Keep you chin up. Remeber that it's a refelction on her, not you. Don't take it personally. It's unfortunately a normal part of dating. Learn, grow and move on. Just take things a bit slower next time and try not to allow yourself to buy into the relationship too much until a good amount of time has elapsed.

Edited May 4, 2019 by Trail Blazer
Cut quoted text so mods don't get cranky

[Simple Logic]

She is the one who gets to lie or tell the the BF she was banging you for a month, but for all you know she was banging him too.

[healing light]

Personally, I think she may be using the ex factor as an excuse when she may have just felt you weren't as serious about her (especially since she said that line about only being good for sex to you). Using the ex makes it about her, not you, and it can be a way to soften the blow about what the real issue is.

 

I'm not saying you should have rushed into a relationship immediately, but it looks like the tide may have turned after the second date where it sounded like you wanted something more casual than her. She either mentally already checked out at that point from what you're revealing about her lack of initiation and responses, or she may have felt like it was too much texting (I smother easily in that regard). I think it's better to call someone for brief periods as opposed to texting as a way to stay in touch between dates.

 

Obviously no one here is a mind reader, so I really would take the ex line with a grain of salt. Just know that for whatever reason she has decided to end this and it's not worth your sanity trying to tease apart why so early on.

[Marc878]

You handled it better than most. Many chase which just makes it worse.

 

You'll be fine. You didn't have a lot of time invested.

 

Hard no contact will cause her to fade quicker.

[spiderowl]

I am sorry about what happened OP. I know it hurts. I've been on both sides of this situation too.

 

The ex story may be true or it may be the 'gentlest' way of letting you down. I know nothing is gentle when a break-up hits out of the blue!

 

If you want to break up with someone, what do you say? Do you say, "You seem a rigid sort of person and I need someone who can understand other points of view?" or whatever your issue with them is? Giving reasons for a break-up might help someone, I suppose, but it can come across as criticism. Incompatibility is not the same as criticism.

 

The thing is, you do not really know why she broke things up. It could have been that she thought you were only into sex, but then I think if she thought that was the case but liked you, she would have questioned you more about your attitudes to women and sex. She would have tried to find out if you were looking for commitment with her or with 'someone' in the future. If she felt it was not going to be her, then maybe she would have opted out.

 

She should not have led you to think this could be more than a fling, whatever she thought or felt. She obviously did enjoy her time with you - and that's a good thing - but for some reason cooled off.

 

I think your message at the end was perfect. I would leave it there and do not send anything else. Let her miss you but do not follow up as she might feel pressured and back off. Wait and see what happens next. I know it is easier said than done! Moving in would be the logical thing to do but I know emotions and logic can be at odds with each other.

Edited May 4, 2019 by spiderowl

[gringoloco]

wow litterally thank you so much for all the messages it means a lot to me.

 

I agree that if she thought i wasn’t a serious guy, she could have confronted me with it. I maybe went all in too fast, as I kissed her on the first date and then things unfolded naturally to me. If she didn’t want to have sex with me on the 2nd date, she could have gone back to her place. I offered her to do that, but she still decided to come at mine. As I said she had the whole attire ready, so clearly was planning to have sex that night...

 

Every time we met we ended up coming back at my place really late in the evening so it made it difficult to have very long bedtime conversations as i was working early the next day and she wasn’t ( we have different schedules).

I would have loved to spend the whole saturday or sunday outside with her, but she wasn’t available.

 

Also I made an effort to take note of the things she liked and propose to do things she would enjoy. I knew she liked art so offered to go to a museum, and I wanted to take her see a play this week as she had told me she did some drama lessons last year. So i wasn’t just messaging her to have sex at all. I was trying to build a connection.

 

I am still tempted to send a text or call to discuss things and what was her intent and mine.I am trying hard to refrain myself from doing that, and move to the next girl. But i’m afraid I’ll miss something that could have been great....

[Marc878]

You chase they just move farther away.

 

She told you plainly what was up.

 

Unless she contacts you no chance

 

Stay out of the im interested so she must be too thing. Projecting your feelings onto her won't get you a thing

[gringoloco]

Here is the latest development :

 

I posted something on social media today (about political stuff), to which surprisingly she replied in my inbox. She didn’t mention anything about us, but i was surprised that she would even reply after the last text I sent her.

 

I don’t really know what she wants at this point and what to respond. Obviously i can pretend that we can have a normal conversation about unrelated topics. But i kind of want to know where she stands regarding us.

[Blanco]

You're gonna do what you want, but I think you're setting yourself up for torture if you don't sever ties with her. We tend to project our feelings onto the object of our desire, so if they reach out, it must mean they're thinking of us or want something more. In truth, a lot of people, especially women, are capable of "being friends" with someone they no longer or never had romantic feelings for.

 

Right now, you're going to try to play it cool by conversing with her casually. I guess that's the right move for now, but you're going to be wondering all the while where you stand. Eventually you won't be able to take it anymore and you'll say something. And she's going to likely crush you again.

[Marc878]

This is pretty normal when you don't cut off all contact. You'll be analyzing everything for a sign. Gobbling up any breadcrumbs she throws out.

 

Currently you're living on hopium.

 

Bud, she dumped you for her X. She plainly told you that.

 

At this time you are stringing yourself along.

 

Why? What for?

[Blanco]

It contradicts everything you want to do, but if you have a shot, and I don't think you do, it's gonna be by severing ties. Allowing her easy access to you any time she wants to chat about benign things is just showing her that you'll be there for her even if she doesn't want you romantically.

[Marc878]

Here is the latest development :

 

I posted something on social media today (about political stuff), to which surprisingly she replied in my inbox. She didn’t mention anything about us, but i was surprised that she would even reply after the last text I sent her.

[/Quote]

 

She wants her X. But she's happy to keep you as an acquaintance in the friend zone.

 

Of course anything to keep the hope alive you'll grasp at it.

 

I don’t really know what she wants at this point and what to respond. Obviously i can pretend that we can have a normal conversation about unrelated topics. But i kind of want to know where she stands regarding us.

 

She told you that already. So you know but you refuse to believe it because you have feelings for her so she has to feel the same!!!! Nope, she sure doesn't.

 

You're just projecting.

 

Sounds like you're gonna end up chasing her around.

 

You see she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by putting it bluntly. She's trying to let you down easy but like most you don't get it.

 

Wake up of this'll be worse than it needs to be.

[gringoloco]

This is pretty normal when you don't cut off all contact. You'll be analyzing everything for a sign. Gobbling up any breadcrumbs she throws out.

 

Currently you're living on hopium.

 

Bud, she dumped you for her X. She plainly told you that.

 

At this time you are stringing yourself along.

 

Why? What for?

 

I have cut off all contact since tuesday though. And i was posting videos of me going out with other girls.

 

I was in her shoes at some point, was thinking i could get back with my ex and wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship. So i get what’s in her head (if it’s true). I know it’s not gonna work with her ex anyways, as these things never work out.

 

Now i have some kind of power over her as she reached out. I ll take my time to reply. Maybe i shouldn’t reply at all. This type of girl think all guys will be interested into them, they are narcissists. The more you ignore them the more they’ll value you i guess...

[Marc878]

It contradicts everything you want to do, but if you have a shot, and I don't think you do, it's gonna be by severing ties. Allowing her easy access to you any time she wants to chat about benign things is just showing her that you'll be there for her even if she doesn't want you romantically.

 

Yep. It always works the opposite of what you think. Absence can make the heart grow fonder.

 

Why accept at the most being a rebound plan B? I doubt that's even in the cards.

[Marc878]

I have cut off all contact since tuesday though. And i was posting videos of me going out with other girls.

[/Quote]

 

Nope you still gave her access which is contact. Living on Hopium

 

I was in her shoes at some point, was thinking i could get back with my ex and wasn’t ready to jump into another relationship. So i get what’s in her head (if it’s true). I know it’s not gonna work with her ex anyways, as these things never work out.

[/Quote]

 

The point is she is picking him over you. Get it?

 

Now i have some kind of power over her as she reached out. I ll take my time to reply. Maybe i shouldn’t reply at all. This type of girl think all guys will be interested into them, they are narcissists. The more you ignore them the more they’ll value you i guess...

 

Nope, whether you realize it or not she or rather your memory of her has the power over you. It's just a breadcrumb. Yet your mind is racing. This is some kinda sign so I must Respond!!!!!

 

You started out strong then got weak quick. Probably the what if's, delayed hopium.

[gringoloco]

lol you guys are harsh but I know you speak the truth. I was indeed on opium. I can tell she was affecting my mood way too much.

 

Here is what I’ll do : I’ll make a polite 2 word response to her message and leave it there. She’ll understand i have no interest or time for being her friend.

If she’s serious about getting with me, it should be her responsibility to make her intentions clear.

 

Thanks for fixing my deluded brain...

[Marc878]

You're still doing it. Her comment doesn't require a response.

 

Look man if she wanted back you know it.

 

Quit playing the immature games.

 

Download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF

It'll help you deal and rationalize with issues like this.

[TheFinalWord]

OP,

 

I've been in your spot. In fact, it's uncanny how similar our situations were.

 

Girl I was interested in had been cheated on, but it had been over year before we met, so I thought she would be over it. But we had a great time, very compatible, strong chemistry, and if she was emotionally available I have no doubt we would have been in a relationship.

 

But, she broke it off because it was clear I wanted more, and she wasn't over her ex. I did the same thing as you, analyzing everything I did, what could I have done better, what did I do wrong, we could have had something so great...

 

The truth is, there is nothing you or I could have done different. Just like you, she was liking my pics on social media after she ended things, watching my social media stories for months, and I took these as signs she must have some interest. Maybe she wanted to go out again, or had second thoughts, but she didn't know how to bring it up. So I tried, asked if there was any chance, and she said "she needs time." Well that was over a year ago.

 

I was tempted to write again and ask her what was on her mind, but I stopped myself. I cut contact because I needed to move forward and I can't live in the past. I realized there was nothing I could do and I kind of wish I had given the response you did because it was a stronger position. You have to cut all contact because otherwise, it's never really finalized. The person can keep tabs on you and when you're on social media together, it kind of feels like there is still that foot in the door. The only chance you have is to show them they are either with your or against you. There is no middle ground when it comes to matters of the heart. When it comes to unrequited love, you have to use reason over emotion. Plus, you don't want to keep looking at her social media because you won't be able to rewire the neural connections that have been made that have bonded you to her.

 

I say all this to tell you that unless she directly contacts you to go out on a date again, the rest of it means nothing. I felt the same things. A strong connection, great intimacy, high compatibility. I even saw pics of the ex and he was nothing to look or anything special. But for whatever reason, he had a hold on her and she was not interested in another relationship. Unfortunately, she had to go out with me to explore her readiness for another relationship. She did the same things, talking about a future, how much we thought alike on the important things; basically, all the signs that a relationship was inevitable. Then seemed to go cold overnight.

 

This girl sounds like she's in the same position. If that's the case, there's nothing you can do, but walk away with your dignity and maybe she'll reach out someday when she's emotionally ready. If you even care by then.

Edited May 5, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[gringoloco]

You situation was indeed completely similar. I don’t know for how long you dated her but seems like you had her on your mind for quite a while.

 

I suppose I answered to her that way in the first place because I saw how much i suffered last december when I tried to get my ex back only to get treated like **** and rejected. Also one of my friend helped me keep a cool head and prevented me from answering something stupid.

 

Now I’m falling into the same trap, although the connection was not as strong with this girl for sure since i only saw her for one month.

 

The ony reason I want to answer her message is because I feel like if I don’t, she’ll think that I am affected by the situtation and resentful. I don’t want to give her that satisfaction.

[Blanco]

The ony reason I want to answer her message is because I feel like if I don’t, she’ll think that I am affected by the situtation and resentful. I don’t want to give her that satisfaction.

 

No, you're probably concerned that if you ignore her, she'll walk away and forget you.

 

If you feel the need to say something, be honest: I accept your decision, but being friends isn't going to work for me, so it's best that we don't talk.

[gringoloco]

No, you're probably concerned that if you ignore her, she'll walk away and forget you.

 

If you feel the need to say something, be honest: I accept your decision, but being friends isn't going to work for me, so it's best that we don't talk.

 

The thing is her comment isn’t really that significant to warrant that kind of answer. She’s not even asking me to be friends at this point. She’s commenting on a political event. If after that she keeps replying and tries to be friends then yeah your reply would be very appropriate

 

Even if what you say about her forgetting me is probably true, I also really don’t want to come across as the angry guy who’s all upset because he got rejected

[Marc878]

Nope, you want to make contact again because you want to think if you do this she'll do that. Hopium

 

At this time you have zero to work with.

 

You didn't learn your first time you went through this so you're doing a repeat.

 

You changed nothing so what changes?

 

Nothing

Edited May 5, 2019 by Marc878

[gringoloco]

At the end of the day i’m not replying at all.

 

If she ever comes back, which i doubt, i ll make her earn my trust because she can’t be trusted. Pretty sure i would end up receiving the same **** text message few months later about her going back to her ex or some random guy from tinder

[TheFinalWord]

Good decision.

 

Why play these games?

 

I know your mind can play tricks on you, and it can degrade your self-esteem if you let it...but, there's so many women out there that are emotionally available, beautiful, ready to build something real.

 

I know the topic of exes come up, but when it comes up on the first date, it's a red flag to me. Every time a girl brings up an ex on the first date, they are still hung up to some extent. I will still go out with her, but won't let myself get invested in her emotionally.

[gringoloco]

Good decision. Why play these games?

 

you’re right, i don’t know why i let my self esteem go so low..

 

I suppose my previous breakup wrecked me and i needed to get affection more than anything. Sex was just a bonus, it didn’t really matter to me in the end. I thought I could get this affection from that girl but obviously not. She just used me to boost her ego. I m happy i got to ignore her, thanks for keeping my head cold

Edited May 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator