Unable to commit but he committed to a woman he’s never met

[blanchedroses]

My mistake - I missed that. What specifically were these advances and promises he made? And are you aware that flirting can happen between mates just for a bit of fun?

 

He actually said point blank he wants a relationship. Then he backed out and ghosted me. He returned a few months later apologising that he’d “made a mistake” and deeply regretted leading me on and giving up on something “that would’ve been pretty special”. Took me a good month to agree to see him again. He took me out on a dinner date, and things progressed to kissing. The next day the BS excuses started again... to only have him ghost me.

Edited April 22, 2019 by blanchedroses

[basil67]

He actually said point blank he wants a relationship. Then he backed out and ghosted me. He returned a few months later apologising that he’d “made a mistake” and deeply regretted leading me on and giving up on something “that would’ve been pretty special”. Took me a good month to agree to see him again. He took me out on a dinner date, and things progressed to kissing. The next day the BS excuses started again... to only have him ghost me.

 

hmmm definitely no potential there. Move on.

[blanchedroses]

hmmm definitely no potential there. Move on.

 

Easier said than done. Because now I think he’s going to skip in to the sunset with this woman he’s never met, because he’s changed somehow. But I was never a good reason to change. He just screwed me over.

[Veronica73]

It doesn’t matter. He is irrelevant. Why do you want to be with someone who treats you like crap?

[Beachead]

He actually said point blank he wants a relationship. Then he backed out and ghosted me. He returned a few months later apologising that he’d “made a mistake” and deeply regretted leading me on and giving up on something “that would’ve been pretty special”. Took me a good month to agree to see him again. He took me out on a dinner date, and things progressed to kissing. The next day the BS excuses started again... to only have him ghost me.

 

That should be a deal breaker right there. As hard as it might be to walk away, you walk away. You gave him a second chance and he went and took giant dump on that second chance. At this point, you're simply teaching him he can treat you like crap and you'll be there waiting.

 

- Beach

[Veronica73]

Be happy he is not skipping into the sunset with you. He is not a stable, reliable person.

[blanchedroses]

So I guess the other women he’s never met deserves to be treated with more respect?

[Veronica73]

I don’t know who you are replying to. But he sounds like an ass who doesn’t respect you.... so cut him out of your life instead of wondering why he doesn’t respect you. I mean...it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. Ghosting people multiple times is just awful behavior. No matter what you may or may have not done. Let it go. He’s an ass.

[Beachead]

So I guess the other women he’s never met deserves to be treated with more respect?

 

Yep..in his eyes. That should make you feel like saying "F*ck this guy."

 

His opinion isn't representing the world. It's not some absolute truth. It's his single opinion. I know there are other men out there you haven't met yet who will care about you, value you for you, and want to be with you. Right now, your struggle is more about what's going on internally...a lack of confidence you hold in yourself.

Edited April 22, 2019 by Beachead

[blanchedroses]

Beachhead...

 

So you’re telling me that he’s going to be completely different and “a new man” basically to someone he’s never even met? Even I know that’s perhaps not likely. But I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’d just like to know if anyone experienced similar to my situation, and the Unavailable man in question ever changed?

[blanchedroses]

I don’t know who you are replying to. But he sounds like an ass who doesn’t respect you.... so cut him out of your life instead of wondering why he doesn’t respect you. I mean...it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. Ghosting people multiple times is just awful behavior. No matter what you may or may have not done. Let it go. He’s an ass.

 

Trust me, I know this. He caused me a great deal of emotional pain and discomfort when I was most vulnerable. I don’t want to be with someone like that. He led me on under the guise of being “a close friend”. I believed in him. I guess it’s more that where’s the justice in him moving on happily ever after? Why does he deserve to be happy? Why does she get the best of him? She doesn’t even know the REAL him.

[Beachead]

Beachhead...

 

So you’re telling me that he’s going to be completely different and “a new man” basically to someone he’s never even met? Even I know that’s perhaps not likely. But I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’d just like to know if anyone experienced similar to my situation, and the Unavailable man in question ever changed?

 

No.

 

I'm telling you he's not into you. If he was, he wouldn't have ghosted you and all this wouldn't be happening to you.

 

When a person is interested in you, there's forward momentum occurring because they make themselves available to you. They say yes to plans. If they can't commit to a date, they reschedule. They start up conversations. They keep it going. It just flows. They don't want to risk losing you because they want you, so they leave all the doors open and unlocked for you to walk through.

 

This guy is not that.

 

So based on that, I advise you to drop this situation because he's got things to sort out. She's not going to get the best of him. He's not going to become some new man. His actions already reveal he's a messed up dude. He's going to hurt her. You dodged a bullet.

 

- Beach

Edited April 22, 2019 by Beachead

[basil67]

I'm 50 something. I've lost count of the number of guys I've known who said they didn't want to commit or couldn't commit and then did a 180 with a new person and ended up married.

 

He might have caused you a lot of pain, but you also hung on after more than one ghosting. You held on to 'potential' instead of looking at reality. As much as he let you down, you also let yourself down. You waited two years for a man who gave you very little. Learn from this and make wiser decisions for yourself in future. Expect more for yourself.

[blanchedroses]

Basil67...

Are there some that never did change and remain unstable?

[Frank13]

He is a typical Mr Unavailable.

 

Haven't logged in here in years but saw this post and had to reply, especially with so much incorrect info you are getting in the replies.

 

You have pegged this guy correctly as Mr. Unavailable. He is a commitmentphobe. It's all there in black and white spelled out perfectly for you. You are smart enough to see that and did the research but you aren't taking any of that into account for the other woman and wrongly thinking negatively of yourself. It's not you, it's him. This is not a typical "He's just not into you" thing.

 

Let me break this down and try to hit all the points you made.

 

He is not in a relationship with this woman. He is not committed to her. He can't be when she isn't in his real life. She is safe. He can still live his life and do what he wants. It is easy to say all sorts of things and make all sorts of grand gestures without any kind of commitment. You saw it yourself when you stated -

 

"Despite his advances and “promises”, he was just unable to commit to a relationship with me. Just as things got to “the crunch” he’d panic, come up with some BS excuse to step back and ghost me".

This guy and the new woman never even met. There hasn't been the "crunch" yet. Don't think for a second that when things start to get to the "crunch" he won't ghost her too. Again you can see that when you wrote -

 

"Just six months ago the overseas woman announced online that she was moving to his country, with some insinuation that she’d met someone “special” (clearly was him). That same week he was hitting up someone I know on a dating site, unbeknownst to him. Even today, his online dating profile and casual “hook up” profile are active".

 

and

 

During the last twelve months however, he’s continued to contact me in a flirty way (non-reciprocated) and even lashed out when I told him I was in a relationship and/or not interested. Most recently was in the last month.

 

Does that sound like he is in a relationship with her and committed

to her? That's about as opposite of those as you can get.

 

Commitmentphobes love the chase. They will pull out all stops to win you over, then when they realize they have, and they think a commitment is expected, they panic and run away. Some do it after a great first date. Some after sex. Some after marriage. Some after being married and buying a house or having a child. Things that make them feel locked in and that the relationship is forever. This guy and the new woman have none of that. He even continues to contact you. If he is so into her why is he still contacting you?

 

"Despite his apologies, this happened twice. Then the third time he tried to start the BS cycle, pretending as though nothing happened... I was wiser and declined his repeated advances to meet up. Third time. Fourth time. You get the idea".

Yep, classic commitmentphobe behavior. Once they are free of the relationship/commitment, the panic and pressure disappears at which point they are free to miss you again. So they call. This is what is called "Curtain Calls". The whole scenario plays out again just like before but the timeline is much quicker.

 

"Right now I can’t help but feel slightly jaded because he’s in a “Facebook official” relationship with someone he’s never even met. My feelings of low self-worth have crept back, and I’m hurt that she’s clearly “good enough” to commit to but I never was".

 

Reread what I have written above and tell me you can honestly say you believe he is in any sort of real relationship with any sort of commitment. "Facebook official" is not real. Is it even his Facebook status or hers?

 

There are no reasons for your feelings of low self-worth. If she is is clearly "good enough" and you weren't, why is he still calling and being flirty with you when he is supposedly committed to her? You and him have met and know each other in real life. They haven't.

 

"But still... despite all the shady behavior, I can’t help but believe he’s now combusted in to the sort of person I wanted all along. I believe she reaps all the benefits based on the fact that he’s committed to her, despite not having met and she’s clearly smitten. Am I missing something?"

 

Yes you are missing something. You are missing everything because of your emotions are involved, so it's completely understandable.

 

You did the research. You know he didn't combust into the sort of person you wanted all along, and he won't. Not to you, not to her, and probably not to anyone. What are all these benefits she is getting? Some chat, while he continues to look for and hook up with other people? Is that a benefit? Is that commitment? Would you want what she has vs your dignity that he isn't going behind your back while you think he is committed?

 

That woman is in for a rude awakening. I will be surprised if he even lets it get to the point of her coming to his country. Mark my words, he will ghost her as soon as it comes anywhere close to a "crunch".

 

You are a smart woman. You saw what was going on and researched it further. Your have a conflict between logic and emotions. This guy is never going to commit. He isn't going to change. Not for you, not for her, and probably not for any woman. Not willing to meet up with him is the best thing you can do. I know it is easier said than done to tell you to exclude him from your life. Just know he isn't going to change and it's not you. It's him.

 

How do I know this? Because I am a lifelong commitmentphobe myself. People who aren't don't understand what goes on in their mind, and you see that in the replies.

 

I don't know what you used for research, and although these books don't offer much in the way of solutions other than how to spot a commitmentphobe, and how to either avoid them or deal with them, two books I highly recommend if you are interested in the subject are -

 

"Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before he Breaks Your Heart"

and

 

"He's Scared She's Scared"

 

Bother written by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.

 

Men Who Can't Love was written first and He's Scared She's Scared was a follow up. Both are excellent.

 

I listened to them as audio books from an Audible free trial and the narrator is excellent and the same for both books. I listened to Men Who Can't Love first and almost stopped listening to He's Scared She's Scared because I thought it was just more of the same but quickly found it was even more insightful. It takes into account further research and feedback/stories from readers of the first book.

 

If you can only get one, He's Scared She's Scared would probably be the one to get. Audible runs free trials or 99 cents a month for two months somewhat often and you get one book a month so that is a good deal, unless you prefer the physical book.

Edited April 22, 2019 by Frank13

[elaine567]

Commitmentphobes love the chase. They will pull out all stops to win you over, then when they realize they have, and they think a commitment is expected, they panic and run away. Some do it after a great first date. Some after sex. Some after marriage. Some after being married and buying a house or having a child. Things that make them feel locked in and that the relationship is forever...

 

Great point and it plays out every day on this forum.

[blanchedroses]

Frank13...

 

Thanks so much. I needed to read that to be brought “back down to earth”. Your response was insightful and I am grateful you took the time to reply. Thank you so much ☺️

 

I just wanted to clarify... the whole “Facebook” relationship status has only been active during the last week or so. But yes... he was reaching out on his own accord as early as February just to “see how I’m going”. When I called him a name akin to a crawling insect and acted disinterested, he was taken aback initially seeking explanation for my comment. When I didn’t acquiesce he lashed out at me, saying I’m not worth it and told me to “*uck off.” I haven’t heard from him since.

 

I’d be lying I says a part of me didn’t secretly wish he will regret the way he treated me one day...

 

But again, thank you so much.

[littleblackheart]

You should stop tracking his every move, OP. Your relationship with him has ended, and so should your very heavy investment in his personal life.

 

No more looking at what he does or who he's hooking up with or not. This, not his commitmentphobia, is your current issue and what is stopping you from moving on.

 

Move on from this situation, every aspect of it.

Edited April 22, 2019 by littleblackheart

[Beachead]

@blanchedroses

 

Like Frank13 said, his actions have nothing to do with you and more to do with who he is. He isn't serious with you and he isn't serious with her either because he's still chatting with you while chatting with her. How serious could they possibly be when when they haven't even met in person? This is what I was getting at as well.

 

But the challenge right now for you it seems is to show yourself more respect than you have and cut this guy off because it's HIM who isn't worth it.

 

People like this can and will drain your energy away and possibly derail you in life. All of which can lead to some permanent emotional damage. You can end up being scared to get close to anyone or even have the energy to remain in a commitment yourself which can affect you future relationships.

 

Don't let him contact you again. Nothing he has to say has any value at this point. You gave him all this time and look what he did with it. Block his number and block him on social media and stop following his every move. You're not missing out on anything. That other woman is going to get burned...badly. I also feel terrible for her.

 

- Beach

Edited April 22, 2019 by Beachead

[preraph]

You need to stop caring what this loser does. He's a jerk and you're tracking him like a hound dog tracking a tasty squirrel. Why? No, he won't change. No, he isn't happy. He's bitter and he'll stay that way because he's an abusive loser. I can't believe you're so naive you're thinking some woman will fix him and then he will be a new man when he comes back to you. He's a jerk and that's who he will always be. No one ever turned from a jerk into a great guy.

[stillafool]

So I guess the other women he’s never met deserves to be treated with more respect?

 

Not more but she deserves respect as well. Maybe she's insisting on it.

[stillafool]

Trust me, I know this. He caused me a great deal of emotional pain and discomfort when I was most vulnerable. I don’t want to be with someone like that. He led me on under the guise of being “a close friend”. I believed in him. I guess it’s more that where’s the justice in him moving on happily ever after? Why does he deserve to be happy? Why does she get the best of him? She doesn’t even know the REAL him.

 

If he's caused you so much pain then it should be no problem to forget him and move on. Not everyone we want wants us back. We all experience rejection in some way in this life. He rejected you, hurt your ego and that is why it is so hard for you to move on. You aren't hurt your ego is. Acceptance will help. This guy wasn't even your boyfriend.

[blanchedroses]

Not more but she deserves respect as well. Maybe she's insisting on it.

 

Thing is, we were childhood sweethearts. I was his FIRST ever crush (he told me that). I was never keen on him.

 

Years went by and social media became a thing. He tracked me down and reached out in 2009, tried to connect with me via social media, but I was going through a relationship break down and never reciprocated. I removed him.

 

Then... which is the current situation, he tracked me down a second time and connected via social media. But this time, I was vulnerable and craving the attention he was willing to give. As you can see, he was ALWAYS the one chasing me down to begin with. I’d have never even given him a thought but he chose to reconnect at the right time and I was ever so willing.

 

He was a sweetheart back then, caring and considerate. Then again he was only 15. I keep thinking of him as the boy back then.

 

But yes... I ALWAYS insisted on respect, even as a teenager when he knew me.

[Beachead]

@blanchedroses

 

Still, even with amazing and long history you two shared, he didn't commit to a relationship with you. I'm curious as to what you make of that?

 

Yes, you two got close and things almost happened but in the end, nothing came out of it. He went cold on you. Ghosted you. You didn't even know if you'd hear from him again on multiple occasions. How awful of a feeling is that. To be close to someone and to have them just vanish on you. Then he pops back into your life when he feels like it and shakes you up all over again. When you got upset, rightfully so, he turns it around on you and makes you feel like you are the nutjob who's out of line. You're not out of line..your soul's trying to tell you, this guy isn't right. Childhood friend or not..the choices we make an the actions we take define us. Look at his. See it for what it is.

 

If he cared for you, why would he put you through this agony? More importantly, why do you continue to ignore the solution that has been presented to you by several posters on this thread? Is it because this guy is a childhood love or because somewhere inside, you think you're only worthy of being with someone who treats you like a shirt they pull out of the closet when the occasion calls for it?

 

- Beach

Edited April 22, 2019 by Beachead

[blanchedroses]

Yes, perhaps the ego is hurt that he’s “committed” to a complete stranger he doesn’t even know and he dragged me through the mud for what?

What does SHE have that I don’t?

I know what the solution is, and I blocked him prior to even posting this concern. But that doesn’t solve the hurt I have and feelings of unworthiness. I was nothing but good to him.

Edited April 22, 2019 by blanchedroses