in separation limbo hell

[mlala]

He has said in conversations that if he could pick he would of course pick that we stay together as a family and be happy but that he’s just afraid it will go back to the old ways or too much has been broken. When I ask him if I should just move on and if that’s what will make him happy he said I want to take it day by day so really what option do I have if I want to save the marriage. It’s not that k want to hire a PI to confirm anything I know he’s technically free to do what he wants I was just wondering if it would help me make the decision to end the limbo.

 

He’s very affectionate still some days and talks about the future in we terms as it truly feels like a connection is finite back which is why I’m hesitant to call it quits. After all he’s not in love anymore at the moment and the goal for him was to see it we can bring these feelings back but he’s not ready to recommit to trying a 100% bc he says that would mean opening himself up to being hurt again.

 

I feel like everyone thinks I’m delusional that this could still work. he fought so hard for our marriage when I ycouldnt until he was depleted and I do feel like I have to fight for this.... I mean I told him at one point you are going to have to decide if hours want to recommit to trying again and he said I know, I’m just not there yet.

Edited April 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

I do feel like I have to fight for this.... I mean I told him at one point you are going to have to decide if hours want to recommit to trying again and he said I know, I’m just not there yet.

 

You're a good person mlala. Just keep your eyes open, don't want you to be the nice guy that finishes last. While you're comparing life without him to life with him, he's comparing life with you to life with someone else ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vla1120]

I am sorry you find yourself here under these conditions. Three young children under the age of three is reason enough for anyone to be struggling with their sanity. You endured an assault, as well. I cannot even imagine what you've been through. I just want to say that (and I'm sure you've been told this) it is not at all unusual for you to turn away from any male (including husbands, fathers, brothers, etc.) after an assault, especially one you kept to yourself. It's a natural defense mechanism. He needs to know this.

 

Try not to drive yourself insane with the "what if's". I believe he should be working with you on your marriage and he cannot do that while he is communicating with another woman. You made mistakes. You have owned up to your mistakes and are now trying to turn yourself around. I give you a LOT of credit. If he doesn't want to break up his family, then he needs to turn his attention back toward you to work on the marriage. I agree that a 180 is not what you want to do right now, but I do believe it's okay to dig your heels in a little bit and say "I'm seeking help to navigate through my issues. I want to work on this family and marriage with you and I cannot do that while your attention is elsewhere. Recommit yourself to our marriage completely. Give me (whatever allotted time you feel comfortable with), and if I slip back to my old ways, I will understand if you want out."

 

He needs to give this marriage and your family a chance.

[BaileyB]

He has said in conversations that if he could pick he would of course pick that we stay together as a family and be happy. When I ask him if I should just move on and if that’s what will make him happy he said I want to take it day by day. He’s very affectionate still some days and talks about the future in we terms as it truly feels like a connection is back. but, he’s not ready to recommit to trying a 100%.

 

I told him at one point you are going to have to decide if hours want to recommit to trying again and he said I know, I’m just not there yet.

 

What he is doing is not fair to you. His words and his actions don’t line up. He is giving you mixed messages and that is not fair.

 

When someone does this, you must be realistic. You can’t build a life and a family on hopes and dreams. Unfortunately, you must hear him when he says he considers himself single and he is texting/engaging with another woman. Anything else he says or does, is irrelevant.

 

A man who loves his wife and wants his family to be whole would not do this... He needs to decide if he wants to be single and texting other women, or if he wants to commit to your marriage and your family. How long this continues may well depend on how long you tolerate this... To me, it is simply another trauma that you are having to experience. Except this time, it is your husband who is causing you pain...

Edited April 24, 2019 by BaileyB

[mlala]

I mean it’s been 3 weeks that I’ve started changing he says that he is afraid it will go back to the old ways and when I ask him if I should give up he says no. He says part of me also believes we can make this work I just need to get over that fear to be able to recommit because once I recommit it’s a 100% I don’t know it’s only been 3 weeks, we are having date nights again and talking a lot and it feels like he is slowly opening up again.

 

I do think he just needs more time to trust again but of course there’s a risk he’ll decide against it, but I just don’t think giving up now would make me happy. At least I will be able to say I tried everything to save my family. Any other advice on how to stay loving and kind but not make a fool of myself? I know it’s unfair for me to be put on this position but he also keeps asking me if I cannot do it anymore to please tell I’ll but it’s me who’s saying i can do it.

 

We started counseling again last week and apparently he told me that he told the counselor he just wasn’t sure yet what will happen. I don’t want to be delusional but I also feel there is some sort of hope!

Edited April 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

Any other advice on how to stay loving and kind but not make a fool of myself?

 

I'd quit sleeping with him when there's at least the possibility he's involved with someone else. If you continue to provide all the trappings of marriage without any commitment from him, not much incentive for him to come home...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Caauug]

3 Years ago I was assaulted, and didn’t tell a single person, I became angry at my husband blaming him for everything that was wrong or so I thought, in our marriage, i would not let him touch me, hug me, kiss me, I would feel completely numb and if I wasn’t numb I was cold and angry. I didn’t go to any events with him anymore he basically had to do everything alone. He tried to hard to pull me back for 2 years but I didn’t feel anything, it must have been pure hell for him and I don’t know how he handled it so long.

You were assaulted, did not seek help, put your husband through hell for 2 years, he gives up, you seek help, you want to save marriage, and husband is still gun shy?

 

How long should you wait until he is in 100%? How long did you make him wait when you were not in 100%? You said 2 years, if you are not willing to wait as long as he waited maybe he is correct and time to call it quits.

 

I wish you all the best but it is going to be a long road for you.

Edited April 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Veronica73]

You're a good person mlala. Just keep your eyes open, don't want you to be the nice guy that finishes last. While you're comparing life without him to life with him, he's comparing life with you to life with someone else ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree with this. And I don’t think you are being delusional. But there are people who separate in order to decide if they want to work on their marriage, and they don’t date other people during that time. They take some time to themselves to have a little space and consider things. That’s not what he is doing.

 

Someone new is often going to seem better because they are new and there isn’t all that baggage. It’s pretty hard to compete with that. And you shouldn’t have to. You’re his wife. I don’t think he is being fair to you.

Edited April 25, 2019 by Veronica73

[mlala]

I didn’t say I’m not willing to be patient and wait and if it takes him 2 years it takes him 2 years, but the difference is I wasn’t texting with other people and as tough as it was I committed to staying married through that tough time and again I’m not excusing what he went through but neither him nor I deserve to be in the limbo of taking it day by day... no one said it would be an easy road after but at some point we are going to have to recommit to trying to save the marriage rather than being single and seeing if feelings come back.

 

I’ve asked him multiple times if he wants me to quit trying and he keeps saying no if I had no hope I wouldn’t be doing this so I’m coming here because I want to stay patient during the time that he does not recommit to fully trying again, and take the little things that he is giving me and trying to build trust again. I thought a lot about the not sleeping with him and I’ll hold off for now but we barely had sex in the last 2 years and i don’t want him to go looking for it elsewhere.

 

Btw i asked him about this women he’s texting with and he told me she’s divorced and had two kids and moved from Miami to Haiti. He’s like I wanted to be open that I’m talking to others but I have no interest in being in a relationship with anyone. I think part of why he’s scaring off of trying to recommit to trying is bc that would mean he would have to stop texting her.

 

He’s basically telling that he understands if I can’t do it under these circumstances but that he just wants to see how our relationship develops day by day, if he can fall back in love, and if k really mean what i say that things will change. He’s basically super confused or playing me for a complete fool.

 

He seeks out physical closeness meaning cuddling etc and we have been talking much more I truly don’t know what else to do other than stay patient and hoping the counseling will help too. . It seems most people here think there is little hope which had me discouraged

Edited April 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Orokotikki]

I feel so sorry for you reading this.

 

I hope mods don't mind, but would strongly recommend you take your story to surviving infidelity, he is blameshifting and cake eating (not to mention disrespecting you and general mindfu--ing you). He's not 'super confused' its the latter.

 

You really DO NEED the 180 and to put your foot down, you really do need to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it, in fact the best thing you could do would be handing him divorce papers and saying "I love you, but will not share my husband." He will never 'fall back in love' while dallying around with her (or thoughts of her).

 

Sending prayers and good wishes.

[Veronica73]

I don’t know what to say that will be helpful. I wish I did. I wouldn’t be able to do what you are doing...it would kill me inside. So you are very strong and are fighting hard for your marriage. But I feel for you. It’s a really hard situation to be in. And I don’t know what the right thing to do is. But I know that I don’t like what he is doing to you. I don’t think it is fair. I have a good therapist, so that is probably who I would turn to to get some feedback. But a lot of therapists are terrible. Soooo....

 

I can’t remember if you mentioned this earlier, and I don’t want to reread everything, but do you have family? Are you close to his family? Could they be of some support to you?

[Mr. Lucky]

It seems most people here think there is little hope which had me discouraged

 

Don't want to speak for everyone, but I'd guess most of us are just ahead of you on the learning curve. Like you, we all tried to accommodate a "confused" spouse's needs during some period of uncertainty, hoping we could "nice" them back into the fold. For me, all it did was give my cheating spouse a more comfortable launching pad into divorce, which (in hindsight) was coming anyway.

 

You should do what feels right for you. But being a doormat to cushion his steps out the door does nothing for you or your children's future. At some point, you'll have to decide what's most important...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mlala]

Sorry will be more mindful of that. I guess I’m being naive but it feels like we are getting much closer, and bis therapist said the more we can build back our connection and the more he sees he can trust that I mean it the less interested he‘ll be in other women.

 

I mean we are technically single and haven’t yet decided if we will try again. If I put a gun to his head he’ll just run. And i feel great responsibility that we got us to that point, the least I can do is have some patience I mean at least a few weeks, he gave me 2 years...

 

I know most people think ok so let him go, he’s not being fair, but neither was I and he stuck by me, I feel like I at least want to be able to walk away saying k have tried everything.

 

At one point I won’t be able to do this back and forth anymore either and be knows that, but I’m hoping that by then we will have build back a connection and a home he enjoys coming to that he will actually be afraid of losing it and if not then at least I tried.

[Turning point]

I agree with the idea that you are being manipulated and likely don't have all the facts or his honesty with respect to his real intentions.

 

I'll point it out again - he's distancing himself from 3 young children in addition to you. That's not consistent with the man you described.

 

I understand the blaming of yourself for pushing him away, but what you're experiencing from him right now can't be described as 'hope' or 'over'. It's just a cruel ambivalence and I think you are being exploited. He very much appears to be stringing you along as a backup plan.

 

The danger in continuing this chase is that you might win back a man that in hindsight, you were better to let go of. I think you should focus on being the woman you want to be - with whatever man (or lack thereof) proves to be your better future.

 

During those 2 years you are unlikely to have been the only one experiencing change. He may not be the same man you remember pre-trauma.

Edited May 5, 2019 by Turning point

[bachdude]

I'm so sorry, OP, for all of this. Your family is worth fighting for.

 

What I am going to suggest is counter intuitive but it may work.

 

Back off from trying to convince him to stay. Your chasing him is causing him to run faster.

 

I'd say something like, "We've been through some really tough times and I've apologized about my role in all of this. I want more than anything to stay together and keep our family together and I am willing to give everything I have to make it work. But I didn't force you to marry me and I can't force you to stay married to me either. If you really want to go, then I won't stand in your way."

 

Ask him if there is a place he can stay while he thinks about it. Insist even. Then pray like crazy.

 

Maybe get the counselor on your side and tell him in the session.

 

Let it sink in, without you trying to convince him of anything, what he is really considering. Give him that space, Let him feel the absence of his three young children and a wife who is willing to make it work. Let the loneliness sink in and the hard reality where all he has is his little pen pal from Haiti.

[El Duendecillo]

I’ve done my fair share of mistakes so I’m far from a saint. I have a lot making up to do, I rejected him for so long, physically and emotionally.

 

OP, I mean no offense in asking you this.

 

You've mentioned several times that you have made your fair share of mistakes, and I was left wondering if this means you had an affair, or an inappropriate relationship that preceded your depression/rejecting of your husband?

 

Then I read that you were assaulted. Did you ever tell your husband or mention this in counseling? So sorry you suffered this trauma.

 

I do not agree with your husband's behavior in communicating with this other woman. It seems like he's punishing you.

[evolvingman]

Wow, i just joined this site and you situation is exactly what i am going through. Well aside from me being the husband in a very similar situation.

 

I went through depression and anxiety and pushed my wife away for 2 years, now she wants me to leave. I asked similar questions and got answers very close to what you are getting. If she really wanted out she would be gone by now.

Please keep us updated, i need the hope that things can work.